Damn Relationship Troubles

[mcbg22]

I've been in a relationship with somebody for 7 months and he moved in with me 3 months ago. I gave my all into this relationship and overall things were going great until the past few weeks when I noticed he seemed to be pulling away and my gut feeling was telling me something was wrong. Here's our problem:

A month into the relationship, I found out he was a pretty big pot smoker, which I am personally against. I shared my feelings with him prepared to end the relationship right then and he said he had no problem stopping for me. I was satisfied with that. However, throughout our relationship, I found out how serious his past use of pot was and how much he was surrounded by it (all his friends and his family). It made me feel very insecure and we had many fights about it. He would always assure me he didn't smoke anymore.

Fast forward to earlier this week when one night he went to bed and left his phone on the kitchen table. Something in my head told me to go look through it, which I know is wrong, and I found out he had started smoking again for the past few months.Last week, I flat out asked him in his face whether he had started smoking again and he said no while looking me in the eyes. He was also texting some guy saying he was single and bitching about me to his friends.

I obviously was very upset to find this out so I confronted him. He didn't say anything which made me even more angry and I ended up kicking him out in the middle of the night and asking him to move out the next day. I later thought that while I was allowed to be upset by these facts, I might have acted in an immature way and I regret kicking him out so quickly. I also threw quite a few nasty insults. Probably to try to make him feel as hurt as I was feeling.

I've loved this guy from the bottom of my heart for all 7 months we've been together and I want us to find a way to make it work but after all this, he's the one saying he can't trust me because of my behaviour. What should do? Are we a lost cause?

It's driving me insane. Please help!

 

[vidarr]

Talking after having cooled off seems like the obvious best choice.

He's probably going to be defensive, so if I were you I'd own up to your faults first and apologize sincerely.

It might also be good to see things from his side. His family and friends all smoke, while you don't.
Maybe you didn't directly ask him to quit, but he felt pressured to anyway. So in a way you've become a barrier between him and his friends.

Also besides building up trust again, I would look at ways you can show him it's not just him who needs to change. If he has to quit smoking to be with you, maybe it would be a good idea to give up something yourself. Allows you both to go through building the relationship together.

 

[mcbg22]

I've apologized to him for my reaction but I feel like he's the one who should be apologizing and begging me to give him another chance. Even if he did, I don't know how we could go forward with our relationship. I wouldn't be able to trust him and I know he will never stop smoking completely because he's using it to cope with his feelings and there's no way he's gonna stop hanging out with his friends and family who are going to influence him. I've just been miserable the past few days without sleeping or eating. We used to be together everyday, talk all the time and now he's just gone and I don't know how to deal with this. I'm also having trouble staying at my apartment because all I see is where his stuff used to be and I think of stuff we used to do together here.

 

[mcbg22]

Also, he texted me last night for treating me badly when I tried to talk with him. He also apologized for having lied to me and realized it is his fault we are now in this situation and he feels horrible about it, is very confused about his feelings and misses me a lot. He said he hopes we can talk but I don't know if this means he want to work on us or if he just wants to end things on a nicer term...

 

[KaraBulut]

You were a bit controlling in coercing him to say that he wouldn't smoke pot anymore. And snooping in his phone wasn't cool, either.

On the other hand, he agreed to not smoke pot anymore, then he broke that promise, then he lied about it.

This relationship brings out the worst in both of you. There's going to be a fundamental lack of trust even if you were to try to make it work.

It's probably not a healthy situation for either of you.

 

[Seasoned]

Even though some people say pot is not addictive, it is. You are now in a co-dependent relationship where you are trying to control his behavior. While it's possible your relationship can work some pretty big things will have to take place, and stopping pot smoking isn't one of them unless he wants to.

You will have to decide whether you want to be with him regardless of his behavior. If you can't agree to that then you are setting yourself up for more craziness than you can imagine, meaning a whole lot of spying, controlling and confrontation. The energy that ought to be spent on you will be spent on trying to control him.

It's his problem and only if he believes it's a problem. You already have a problem that you might want to recognize. Spying, yelling, middle of the night drama based upon his usage is serious stuff, and, if it continues, will leave you a changed person, and not for the better.

Regardless of what you choose to do with your relationship look into Al-Anon or Co-dependents Anonymous for yourself. You have those tendencies and you'll find one addict after another if you don't do something to change yourself.

Please understand that I'm not an old shrew looking in your window and pointing fingers at you. Thirty-two years ago today I began a relationship with someone I didn't realize was alcoholic and also addicted to pot. Seven months into our relationship he went for treatment. That didn't create a "happily ever-after" life for us, at least not initially, it was the beginning of me recognizing I needed help as well, not because of him, but because of me and my behavior in regards to my relationship with him.

Today we are celebrating our 32nd anniversary. I'm not revealing that to tell you all will be well with yours, but, rather, to advise you to be healthy when in a relationship, be it this one or another one, so, if you ever are with someone 32 years, you'll be happy and of good cheer.

Bottom line: He needs to stop for him, not for you, and you need stop co-dependent behaviors. You do not want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. You want to be in a healthy relationship which enhances, not diminishes both of your lives.

Best wishes.

PM me anytime.

 

[mcbg22]

While my reaction was over the top when I found out, he knew this was my biggest fear in our relationship and finding out about it really destroyed me. He had many opportunities to be honest with me and I would have supported him and figured out ways to work things out.

As for the phone snooping, I know it was wrong but it's not something I ever did before. I just had a feeling for the past few weeks and my instincts told me to look to see and I ended up finding out I was wrong.

He was also texting another guy telling him he was single and bitching about me to his friends so I dunno what to think of that...

 

[tarallucci]

I think the worst thing in this is that he was chatting to other people saying he was single, rather than lying about smoking. This will make his future statements less credible. Did you also question him about why he was looking for other people while being in a relationship with you? Are you sure he really loves you back?

Give him another chance but I doubt he will be honest and quit those habits after doing that...

 

[TX-Beau]

I think the worst thing in this is that he was chatting to other people saying he was single, rather than lying about smoking. This will make his future statements less credible. Did you also question him about why he was looking for other people while being in a relationship with you? Are you sure he really loves you back?

Give him another chance but I doubt he will be honest and quit those habits after doing that...

OK people are politely trying to tell you to back the fuck off and reassess. You are responsible for the shit you pull and there is no justification that lets you off the hook for yourself. You can't control him.

Some practical application, if you want your guy to be honest with you, you need to maintain an atmosphere that promotes trust and safety when coming to you with his issues, and if you jump his shit and have a tantrum, ending up snooping through his stuff, that only tells him to lie - if for nothing else than to avoid the histrionics. If some guy likes to stop for a beer with his buddies after work, and you pitch a fit every time, he'll stop telling you where he's going.

So this is becoming a saga that 's getting steadily more dire. First the pot, then the lying, then the texting another guy, then pretending he's single and bitching about you, next I fully expect the cheating to show up.

You moved in with a guy you didn't know after 4 months, now you are upset you didn't know him, and are asking if you should "give him another chance."

Why would you do that? What do you expect to change? Are you thinking that if you make him grovel enough that will alter his behavior? Why are you even interested in his groveling? What are you trying to get out of this situation? Do you think that making him humiliate himself for another "chance" is going to make a firm foundation for a relationship?

You both are being toxic, and need to go date other people.

 

[TX-Beau]

MEA CULPA to taralucci, sorry, just noticed I quoted the wrong post.

 

[tarallucci]

MEA CULPA to taralucci, sorry, just noticed I quoted the wrong post.

No need to apologize, it happens

 

[mcbg22]

I think the worst thing in this is that he was chatting to other people saying he was single, rather than lying about smoking. This will make his future statements less credible. Did you also question him about why he was looking for other people while being in a relationship with you? Are you sure he really loves you back?

Give him another chance but I doubt he will be honest and quit those habits after doing that...

Technically it was one guy he said that to. I asked I'm about it and he said it was a random text from someone who wasn't in his contact book and he was just playing along to guy's questions as to whether he single and he answered back 'single-ish' to keep the conversation going and figure out who it was. He said if he had answered he was partnered the conversation would have stopped. It was probably somebody he was seeing casually before we got together. Should I believe that explanation and does it make sense? I don't know.

 

[mcbg22]

OK people are politely trying to tell you to back the fuck off and reassess. You are responsible for the shit you pull and there is no justification that lets you off the hook for yourself. You can't control him.

Some practical application, if you want your guy to be honest with you, you need to maintain an atmosphere that promotes trust and safety when coming to you with his issues, and if you jump his shit and have a tantrum, ending up snooping through his stuff, that only tells him to lie - if for nothing else than to avoid the histrionics. If some guy likes to stop for a beer with his buddies after work, and you pitch a fit every time, he'll stop telling you where he's going.

So this is becoming a saga that 's getting steadily more dire. First the pot, then the lying, then the texting another guy, then pretending he's single and bitching about you, next I fully expect the cheating to show up.

You moved in with a guy you didn't know after 4 months, now you are upset you didn't know him, and are asking if you should "give him another chance."

Why would you do that? What do you expect to change? Are you thinking that if you make him grovel enough that will alter his behavior? Why are you even interested in his groveling? What are you trying to get out of this situation? Do you think that making him humiliate himself for another "chance" is going to make a firm foundation for a relationship?

You both are being toxic, and need to go date other people.

That's a little bit harsh. I am willing to recognize my faults and work on improving myself, but I still don't think it justifies his lying to me when I literally did anything he ever asked of me and he had every opportunity to come clean to me without me having a huge fit.

He doesn't really have a family aside from his father and I made sure my family treated him like a family member, I looked around to find him a good job because he wasn't happy in his minimum wage coffee job, he wanted to find new friends who would be good influences for him and I introduced him to my circle and all my friends and co-workers loved him, etc. He asked me to move in with me and we talked about it for a long time before we pulled the trigger.

I never even asked him to stop smoking. I told him in the very beginning I was against it and was ready to end things amicably but he's the one told me he could quit completely no problem. I told him I knew it would be very difficult but that I was there for him if he ever needed to talk about his feelings but he never did. I also told him I knew he would probably do it again from time to time before being able to really quit and that it was okay but that he just had to tell me about it.

I realize now we probably can't ever get back together but if he was open to it, I would be willing to work on myself and on our relationship by being more open to his needs and having better communication with him so that we can rebuild our trust. We actually got along great together aside from this issue which drove us apart. I am even willing to accept that he will probably keep on smoking, as long as I don't feel like it's affecting his life and our relationship negatively. Why would he humiliate himself by giving me another chance when I feel like I should be the one who would look badly to others maybe for taking him back, yet I don't care because I love him for who he is and I am willing to give it another try...

 

[TX-Beau]

Seasoned called that, what you are describing you "did" for him, no doubt you think puts you in a positive light, but it's enabling behavior, attempting to control and manipulate his life in order to fix him. Co-dependency requires both sides and they are equally toxic, both the martyr and the addict.

I did, he did, what's going to change going forward?

If it's nothing - time to leave.

People ALWAYS say, "except for this..." OK well "this" is ending your relationship, so no, you aren't getting along, you are at the opposite of getting along.

You can focus on his behavior until the stars fall and torture yourself for naught. The ugly truth of reality is that whatever apologies you feel he "owes" you, you can't make him proffer them.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM It's a hard lesson to learn that one, you take the guys as you find them, decide based on who they are - if he's a pothead, you ask yourself if you're fine dating a pothead - you weren't, trouble starts when you think pothead now, change him later.

You can only change your behavior, your pattern, this guy does too much pot for your comfort level, he's on the phone bitching about you to other guys and calling himself single, you've already had one nasty scene, then your next question is should you trust him?

We have no idea if you should trust him. This situation is toxic, you can participate in that, or you can get out.

Angsting gets you nowhere, the only thing you are in control of is where you put your feet.

 

[mcbg22]

I'm not thing to change him though. He's the one who wanted to change for me. I thought it would be possible since it was his own suggestion but I guess not. I'm willing to change though on some levels. Maybe it's not worth it with him though. I don't know. I really wish we could work things out.

 

[TX-Beau]

Life lesson, a thousand and one addicts promise a thousand and one enablers they are going to change every second.

When it comes to addiction talk is incredibly cheap, and Seasoned is also right that he will only stop for himself - if he ever gets there.

So next time you find a habitual user or just heavy drinker, you know to pass on that, be good friends, hell even fuck-buddies (if you have the constitution for that) but that is a deal breaker for you, now you know. Let me be presumptuous and say that a secondary lesson that you can take away from this, is that four months to co-habitation is very fast. Take your time in the future, if you love one another it will wait, and the longer you date, the better you know him.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm going to weigh in on a couple of things. You really want to be in a relationship with him and you are worried about his behavior and willing to minimize it after pitching a fit and kicking him out in the middle of the night. This is the textbook definition of a dysfunctional relationship. You and he might not be ready or willing to let it go, besides, the make-up sex is great, isn't it? If you're not ready, that's ok, but realize the misery will get worse as will the drama.

Hint: In any type of relationship where you discover that someone has done something, don't ask the question, did you...? They will say no almost every time. Don't play gotcha with a partner. If you know something, let them know what you know upfront.

 

[truszgold]

You have got t be kidding its 2015. If I were I would havee turn and run, not walked and told ou o keep my things. You need to build somme relationship skills. You are not a good match until you can compromise. I am astounded this whole shitstorm was over pot.