Dancing the Black Swan - I'm coming mentally unglued

[Rand]

My hopes and thoughts will be with you. It sounds as though you are taking steps - addressing the issues as you can. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist and hope that you can arrange to see him / her more often.

You sound courageous - you sound like a fighter - do wish you the best and hope that you will be able to celebrate your life in full.

Rand

 

[bankside]

People can reach rock bottom and coast along there not expecting anything but the rocks. I've met people in those shoes. Many of them have stories of meeting someone who took just a second to recognize them as equals, fellow humans, look them in the eye and give them some human comfort, and it lifts people up.

I think it is better if people skip the part where they plummet down to rock bottom, and just get to the part where they treat each other decently and look out for each other.

So, we don't want the darkness to close in on you.

Look at those problems one by one. Aspergers might make connecting awkward for you, but you're reaching out online, in a way that hopefully works for your aspergers traits. You're doing your bit there.

Insomnia and nutrition are huge issues for wellbeing, and that can provoke hallucination even in someone who is not predisposed. You need sleep, but you can't make yourself sleep. It will help you if you can be at peace with being awake when it happens. Don't count wakefulness as a failure; your body is struggling with the right sleep balance but it will let you sleep at least sometimes. And consider meditation as a way to pass the time instead of less healthy habits.

And you know, maybe break the Black Swan DVD or erase the file or whatever. You don't have to paint your mind into a smaller and smaller corner.

Street drugs can actually self-medicate a lot of psychiatric/psychological issues, but getting that right is a dangerous crap shoot. Can you cut back? It probably doesn't help improve the hallucination situation either.

If you don't mind answering, what is a hallucination like for you? I can't say I've ever had one. I understand it is a perception of something, visual, auditory, etc. From what I know, it doesn't affect your intellect but it can be confusing and distressing when it intrudes because it seems so substantial. Do you find it easy to notice or to figure out when it occurs? Is it mostly distracting or can it be overwhelming, or what?

I can hear the fight still in you and I can see the smile on your face from the happy moments you talk about. You don't have to do much more than remember that part of your life is true too.

 

[evanrick]

whats it like having aspergers?

 

[justaguy]

I really do love life.

Keep that thought.

You obviously have people in your life that care about you a lot. I hope you will continue to share your thoughts with them and with us.

Is your therapist good? Does he/she help? It does seem to me that once a month seems too infrequent, given your current state of mind. I'll be looking for more updates on how you are getting on.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Thank you, Rand.

I truly am a fighter. I've led quite a dismal life, and it's never really gotten better (things have changed; they change constantly; but whenever something bad leaves my life, something equally wretched will replace it), but I'm starting to feel like I want, or need, to embrace the darkness within me. I'm starting to feel like things will never get better, and that I should just give up and further my descent to the rock bottom of life and society. I know that sounds like a typical thing a young person would say, but my life has literally been one horrible event after another. I've very rarely been truly happy[/B], but it's the times where I am that really keep me going. I really do love life, but I'm really starting to reach my breaking point.

There are a lot of 'older' guys on this site that have felt the same way you did at your age (I assume you are under 30 yrs old). With time and action (sounds like you are seeking out the right medical/counseling help), we got through our desperate months or years, thinking that life had no meaning or we were hopeless. After many months of weekly therapies, I did emerge with one strong lesson I have taken to this day: I have a God given right to be happy in this life. How about taking a few moments each day and write down those things that truly did or do make you happy. Keep adding to the list every day. You might surprise yourself how big the list gets.

At any rate, you have the love and support of your fellow JUB'ers if you need an ear.

 

[justaguy]

How about taking a few moments each day and write down those things that truly did or do make you happy. Keep adding to the list every day. You might surprise yourself how big the list gets.

Great idea.

 

[bankside]

Ashy,
I can't help but come back to the fact that whatever is going on in your emotional life, your intellect is firing on all cylinders. It's not the first time I've said something like that; anyway I believe it is true. You can use your intellect to help you get through this even if your emotions are fucked at the moment. As an aspie, that might even be the best/only way to proceed.

It is completely easy for me to see how much people mean to you in your life: you've talked about who you've thought about, and you've shared what they mean to you. Intellectually you can understand that other people you know, even other people on line, feel the same way about you. Even if intuitively, empathetically, it doesn't seem obvious to you, intellectually it is a fact.

Because you're not in a river today, you've had a chance to talk to a few people online and give a few of them some nice compliments. That matters to the people you talk to just as much as they matter to you. You aren't alone in this.

Just look to the future and see what the next step is. You don't have to take all the steps at once, and you get to ask for help. One moment at a time.