Dating but moving too slow?

[Soccerboy25]

Hi everyone, so I've been dating this guy for over 3 months now and I feel like we are moving a bit slow. I'm not good with relationships, so I don't know what I should do. To be honest, I haven't been in a relationship longer than 3 months so I don't want to mess anything up with this current guy. I feel as if we are in a relationship, but we never really made it official. I told him in the beginning of December if we are official and he said that he likes the pace we are going at and doesn't want to rush anything, because every time he rushes it doesn't work out. Which I totally agree with, I just don't like moving too slow. Because every time I see him I have an amazing time, but then when I leave I get upset because I want a little more and feel like I could lose him.

Now to get into more detail, I just turned 26 and he turned 36 in October. He does say he misses me and that I'm already going to be his Valentine but some days he doesn't talk to me as much. I know not to ask him again when we are official, because I don't want to pressure him and it already feels as if we are, but something still feels missing. We have yet to fully have sex and he won't let me sleep over his apartment yet. I've also not seen his friends yet or vice versa. I get he likes to take things slow, but I don't like the pace we are at. I don't care about the sex part as much as the sleeping over part. He says he wakes up too early and doesn't want to bother me. Certain aspects of his life, he doesn't open up to me, I can tell he's a reserved person. I even went to his place on New Year's Eve and I had to leave after midnight. Even though I took a nap on his bed. I'm guessing waking up to me in the morning scares him. Maybe he's not ready for that commitment yet. He talks about the future with me, but yet doesn't commit to the present. I just don't know if I should confront him about it or let it be. I'm starting to love him, and would love to go just a tad bit faster with him. Part of me is also afraid he might stop talking to me and dating me because I want to move faster than him and I also really don't want to lose him, because I'm starting to love him.

Also, we both talked about our statuses and how we both are negative. I recently took a hiv test and told him about it and he ended up taking a home kit test. This was the end of last month and I was hoping to have sex then, but that has still to happen. I'm even willing to just bottom, as he is a top and I'm versatile. He told me that he usually doesn't use condoms, because he only fucks when he is in a committed relationship. I also would like to see him a bit more but I know our work and gym schedules conflict a bit with that. I currently only see him once or twice a week. I think I would like it if we at least slept over. What do you guys think I should do??

 

[sixthson]

If you think it's hard for you to know what is going on in his head, imagine how difficult it is for us to analyze your problem?

Soccerboy, I would say this to you: there is nothing more important in a relationship than open, honest communication. Is he hiding something? Has he been hurt and just protecting himself? Is he afraid of commitment? Is there something about you that is causing him to hold back? There are many more questions that can only be answered when the two of you talk things out. If he is unwilling then you have a problem. Are you being too clingy? Too much in a rush?

I think you should try to have a quiet, no pressure conversation with him. Don't make demands and be sure to listen more than you talk. Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[Soccerboy25]

Yes I know it is difficult. I typed this as a way to vent as well. I know I have to talk to him in a one on one setting to figure some things out. I honestly think he is just afraid of commitment and is prob hurt. I know he was in a relationship for over a year that ended a year and a half ago and he is probably too scared to get into another relationship.

 

[Junior42]

I recently met a guy and I want nothing more then for him to stay at my place more often, but my work schedule is crazy and so far I have not wanted to visit that on him. I usually sleep 6:30am to 1PM because I work overnights. So, making a relationship work has all kinds of obstacles, but for the right person, you will find a way. Good luck soccerboy, and keep us updated.

 

[TX-Beau]

Not everyone moves at the same speed, it doesn't automatically mean he's afraid of something. Three months isn't a lot of time, I wouldn't be making commitments at three months.

 

[KaraBulut]

Three months is a relatively short time and there's certainly nothing wrong with moving slow.

What's wrong here is that he's subtlety controlling the relationship. He's withholding information. He's withholding sex. He's withholding emotionally. That's not a good sign and at this point, it's worth questioning whether it's worth your time to get involved with someone who puts his own imperatives above your needs and wants.

 

[Soccerboy25]

I do know three months is a short time and I shouldn't expect anything. I would just like to know why I can't sleepover or he doesn't want to fully have sex yet. It might have to do with trust or commitment. I will talk to him about this today probably, it's just hard for me to bring it up so I usually avoid it and wait for him to say it. I also look around and see some of my friends getting into relationships within a month or two and how they see arch others friends and I wonder what's wrong with my relationship. However, I do realize a lot of couples that move into relationships fast don't work out.

 

[eastofeden]

It sounds to me like he is in the driver's seat and you are a passenger.......

He is calling all the shots....

So the question I see is..are you going to be OK with that...tomorrow? Next Week? Next Year?

 

[KaraBulut]

...I would just like to know why I can't sleepover or he doesn't want to fully have sex yet. It might have to do with trust or commitment. I will talk to him about this today probably, it's just hard for me to bring it up so I usually avoid it and wait for him to say it...

Keep in mind that people in new relationships are on their best behavior. So, if he's over-complicating something that is part of the natural progression in a relationship... as well as controlling things in a very passive-aggressive manner, the behavior probably only gets worse from here.

If this is where you're starting, it doesn't make for an optimistic future.

But let's see if your talk with him leads to any breakthroughs.

 

[Soccerboy25]

Well we decided to break up. He said that we were at two different stages in life and that I'm not a good fit. He said he didn't want me to sleepover because if I would then it would be a committed relationship. He sees that I still want to achieve a good job and go to grad school and he already has his place and has his job and is settled down. He thinks I have to settle down and that we are not a good match. I understand, I just wish he would of told me sooner. Because he knew about me going to grad school and wanting a new job and getting my own place. I was living with a roommate but had to leave because of money problems and I didn't get along with my roommate. He wants to remain friends, but I don't know how that will go. B

 

[kallipolis]

The intrepid traveller journeys through life with the awareness that all experiences are constructive.

Time to move forward knowing that there are many people waiting to know you.

Take the next corner left, or right and keep walking.

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.” ― Lao Tzu

 

[Seasoned]

Sorry things didn't work out the way you'd hoped but glad you didn't let it drag on. Three months is more than reasonable in terms of knowing where you stand at least in terms of day to day. Best wishes to you!