Dating Depression & Dejected

[jslvr05]

Full disclosure: I’m fairly vulnerable and not in a good place right now. However, I don’t have any friends, and I need to say this.

Do you like my alliteration in the title?

I started talking to this guy on a fetish site. We hit it off, and I thought he was going to help me enjoy my wildest sexual fantasies. In the middle of a message to me recently, he disclosed that he has girlfriend and is not in an open relationship. The last guy I was with (last summer) was straight-ish, too, and so I’ve developed a fear and reluctance to hook up with them, as this guy basically used me to “test out” men, and I violated and depressed, hence the six-month celibacy.

This is just heteroflexible men. With bi/gay men, I have worse luck. I’m an Aspie, so I know some of it is just me being fucked up at human communication, but I was wondering if any of you have problems with dating, too? The mistreatment I’ve experienced and whatnot have lead me to some dark places this past year, and it’s taking major toll on my already-taxed mental health.

Oh, drinking problem, so I’m writing this buzzed. Sorry if there are any major errors, sirs.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Well, you're ahead of me. I don't think I can honestly claim to have dated outside a brief stint for a few months in Alaska when I was 45.

 

[luckynumbah7]

The alliteration is lovely. There should be a comma after dating and the word dejected should probably be dejection.

You're probably going to run into a lot of those guys because there's plenty of those guys. It helps if you tweak your profile so it heavily insinuates (if not outright states) that people who're cheating aren't welcome. And then retreat from the ones who respond with that down low bullshit. Much simpler not to get drug into someone else's mess. You dodged a bullet here, so toast yourself.

Mmm, n'look at it this way - how good could the guy actually be if he can't communicate honestly with his wife? Not exactly someone I'd want in any sexual/fetishy position where honesty is one of those mandatory things, like self-reflection and the ability to gauge limits.

-edited to add, I believe booze is a depressant.

 

[rareboy]

First off.

Kick the booze.

Next. Forget about throwing yourself a pity party over sex. It will always just be a party of one.

Even Asperger's spectrum guys can find companions. If your social skills are lacking...then work with a qualified therapist to help you with this. Asperger's or not...social skills and communications are still largely learned behaviours for all of us.

And striking out a couple of times and then giving up is just lazy.

You have to do the heavy lifting on this. And you can.

 

[TX-Beau]

Three things, users choose guys they think they can use. What does your profile look like. what are you asking for? Second thing, if you're treating dating like looking for a job, well, that's work isn't it. No one wants to go out with work. If a guy has fun with you, he's likely come back for more - even if it's just platonic, if he feels like he's been on an extended job interview, he won't. Socializing takes practice, but (as always) if you need a structured environment to get started, there are always people out there doing good things for other people that need a hand - go volunteer. If you're not doing anything else anyway, go help other people.

Third - attraction is a two way street. If you're a helpless basket of morose, no one is going to want to date that. What are you doing to make you the best you, you can be? Guys get on the net and complain about how they can't find that great guy, but they never want to talk about if THEY are the great guy or not. We all could stand a little improvement - but if you're looking for a fitness freak gym bunny and you're 60lbs overweight, and won't go to a gym, you're not going to get one. If you're looking for the outdoorsy type, but won't ever step away from your Xbox, you're out of luck. You see the point.


I see a lot of Asperger's guy doing what you're doing, using it as a crutch. We ALL had to practice.

https://www.myaspergers.net/adults-with-aspergers/lonely-find-aspergers-support-group/


I personally don't see why you can't take your time and do things for you, like go do all those things you want to do, take a course, change your career, go hiking, travel, learn Mandarin, whatever, just for you alone. I guarantee you that you'll be happier than perpetually looking for fulfillment in someone else. The nasty secret is that you can't get validation from someone else.

As far as hookups go, why so serious, yes you found a flake, guess what, the world is full of hot, flaky, douchebags. Fuck'em, forget'em. Personally, I find subbing out hot douchebags fairly arousing, but I'd never ever let myself think that was anything but fetish. Time to separate this from "dating," hook-ups are not dating they're role play, NO ONE is being themselves.

 

[jslvr05]

I shouldn't have written this here. That's what I get for drinking and writing.

Thanks for your advice, anyway.

 

[KaraBulut]

I shouldn't have written this here. That's what I get for drinking and writing.

Thanks for your advice, anyway.

If you read your post, you didn't specifically ask for advice, although given how frustrated you were at the time, it would be helpful to listen to some older, wiser voices.

Obviously it was something that you wanted to get off your chest. You're always welcome to do that, sober or not.

 

[jslvr05]

If you read your post, you didn't specifically ask for advice, although given how frustrated you were at the time, it would be helpful to listen to some older, wiser voices.

Obviously it was something that you wanted to get off your chest. You're always welcome to do that, sober or not.

You can lock or delete this thread, as I'm done with it. Thanks again, all.