Dating Issues

[goodforu]

Hey, I need some help / advice / thoughts on this relationship I'm in. I have been seeing my boyfriend since April. We both agreed that we take things slow in the beginning and see where things go.

We see each other several times a week we still have not had sex yet. I tried on several occasions to try and get things going to no avail.

I really like him and he says he totally into me. We share the same interests and get along very well, but he just does not want to commit.

I brought this up to him on several occasions and he explained to me that he is really not a sexual person and it will happen when it happens. I just can't get past this comment. I love sex and I'll be honest I'm horny all of the time. Not that I'm saying that I need from him every 5 minutes but come on.

I just don't get where he is coming from and if he is really even interested in me. I guess we differ on the meaning of taking things slow.

Thoughts..... Thanks!

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

I'd say it's time for a in-depth discussion. Because sex doesn't "happen when it happens". It happens when both people agree to it. You've already agreed to it. He hasn't. So it'll happen when he decides he wants it. And although he has the right to say "I'm not ready", you have the right to say "Are you ever gonna be ready?"

You haven't said what, if anything, you've done physically. Do you kiss yet? Heavy kissing? If not, maybe you can start there. Ask if you can at least make out with him for now. If he agrees, do NOT push him beyond that. Don't try to reach inside his pants or anything. If he doesn't agree to that, well, then it may be you're got yourself a good friend, not a boyfriend. And you might have to look elsewhere for that boyfriend.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Oh my God.

He's sexually retarded. Or glacial.

Since April?

Time to tell him you'd like to be good friends but you're moving on to find yourself someone who also likes to fuck.

 

[goodforu]

Welcome to JUB!

I'd say it's time for a in-depth discussion. Because sex doesn't "happen when it happens". It happens when both people agree to it. You've already agreed to it. He hasn't. So it'll happen when he decides he wants it. And although he has the right to say "I'm not ready", you have the right to say "Are you ever gonna be ready?"

You haven't said what, if anything, you've done physically. Do you kiss yet? Heavy kissing? If not, maybe you can start there. Ask if you can at least make out with him for now. If he agrees, do NOT push him beyond that. Don't try to reach inside his pants or anything. If he doesn't agree to that, well, then it may be you're got yourself a good friend, not a boyfriend. And you might have to look elsewhere for that boyfriend.

Lex

Thanks Lex! We do kiss but no heavy kissing yet either. I'm just so confused by him not wanting it. I will try the next time we are together to see if he wants to make out. He is so good looking and I can't possibly believe that he is embarrassed by how is body looks or if its something else.

He is very laid back and really does not like to make suggestions on what he wants to do. For example, I'm the one that usally makes the decision on where we are going to go to eat or whatever. I feel that this relates the same way when it comes to sex. He may not know how to get it going with me and is waiting for me to make a move. (I hope so)

I'm going to give it some more time and if nothing happens and he does not want to commit then I'm going to ask to be just friends with him.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your situation is quite the rarity these days.

Barring any religious reasons for your boyfriend's lack of sexual adventurousness, this is not a good sign.

What is confusing- and I think this is what Lex is getting at - is whether there is any sexual activity or affection going on. These days "sex" seems to mean fucking and it often goes from 0 to hot-sweaty-butt-fucking in a day. There's a whole lot of stuff that can happen between a kiss and getting your ass pounded.

Are the two of you affectionate? Are you sleeping together? Have you seen each other naked? Are you doing any experimentation?

If you're 3 months into a relationship and you haven't progressed beyond kissing, then there's a big question about whether you will be satisfied in a long-term relationship with someone who seems to have hang-ups about sexuality.

I'm going to give it some more time and if nothing happens and he does not want to commit then I'm going to ask to be just friends with him.

You've already given him plenty of time. You need to decide what your needs are here-

Do you want to sleep together and just cuddle?

Do you want to get naked and cuddle?

Do you want to trade handjobs/blowjobs?

Are you ready to play hide the sausage?

And once you decide, you need to have the talk with your guy and tell him that you're not satisfied and that you need more from him. If he can't step up to the plate, then you're correct that it's time to say you're friends and move on.

Batter up!

 

[bankside]

Nonsense. My bf of 10 years and I waited about 3 months and we were both definitely willing, but it was a bit rushed for both of us.

3 months of dating and building a relationship before having sex is definitely normal, and even healthy. It has nothing to do with religion, or hang-ups. It is just a natural progression of actually getting to know the person before sleeping together. If "going slow" means 3 weeks or 3 days, there is a whole world of people who will not satisfy you, and who will think you want to start off any relationship at the wrong end.

I do have a concern about him however, the comment that he is not really a sexual person...that is an issue. Because while there are lots of people willing to wait three months to feel really good about the person and the relationship, there are not many people at all who aren't at least interested in sex.

For all the time before my guy and I started having sex, we were both definitely interested, and horny, and it was a time of growing anticipation for both of us that was something to be enjoyed and something we looked forward to.

Building up to an active sexual relationship gradually is not itself a hang-up. But not being interested in moving towards it could be a problem.

 

[goodforu]

Nonsense. My bf of 10 years and I waited about 3 months and we were both definitely willing, but it was a bit rushed for both of us.

3 months of dating and building a relationship before having sex is definitely normal, and even healthy. It has nothing to do with religion, or hang-ups. It is just a natural progression of actually getting to know the person before sleeping together. If "going slow" means 3 weeks or 3 days, there is a whole world of people who will not satisfy you, and who will think you want to start off any relationship at the wrong end.

I do have a concern about him however, the comment that he is not really a sexual person...that is an issue. Because while there are lots of people willing to wait three months to feel really good about the person and the relationship, there are not many people at all who aren't at least interested in sex.

For all the time before my guy and I started having sex, we were both definitely interested, and horny, and it was a time of growing anticipation for both of us that was something to be enjoyed and something we looked forward to.

Building up to an active sexual relationship gradually is not itself a hang-up. But not being interested in moving towards it could be a problem.

Thanks for your input. I really like the guy I'm with and hearing your thoughts makes me feel better. I don't want to throw what we have going away. It was very hard to find somebody that has the same interests as me.

We have had the sex talk and everything but I guess his perception of when to engage in it is different.

Therefore, I'm going to continue on this course. I will however, start to ask him his feelings on the subject and go from there.

Thanks!

 

[ridinghorses1]

Do you really believe he's not a sexual person? I believe that all humans are sexual creatures. Is he a virgin? Perhaps hes just afraid that it'll ruin the relationship, which it probably won't. Just communicate with him more about it.

 

[71390S]

Everyone approaches sex at a different pace. Maybe he needs time. *shrugs* Talk to him about it, like others have said =)

 

[leNate]

Is it possible that he could be asexual? You should ask him about it.

 

[goodforu]

Update>>>>

Well we talked last night and before I could ask any questions he said that he just wanted to be friends. He asked if I was in love with him and I said that I was unable to get to that point yet in our relationship. I then asked him to define what love meant to him, but he did not answer.

I told him that it was OK and that I thought that he was not into me anyway. (He did not say if he was or was not into me but it seemed to him that we conversed like friends and nothing more.) I was cordial and not angry. He then abruptly ended our conversation. Me personally I would have done it in person. He did it over the phone. I just think that was a cold thing to do.

This was like a one two punch for me last night. My grandma also passed away from a long illness around 2 am this morning. Ugh. He knew I was going through this and that she could go at anytime.

I really liked the guy but I guess it had to end. There was no spark. I sent him an email in the morning stating to him that I could not be friends with him at the moment. I also let him know what the definition of love mean to me and that we were not near it yet for me. I'll admit I got attached to him and now I feel remorse for it ending this way. (I know I shouldn't but I get this way. Oh well.)

So, this ends this chapter in my love life and now it is time to move on and maybe find someone else after I take a little break from the dating scene.

Thanks for all of your comments and suggestions. I really appreciate it!

 

[KaraBulut]

Sorry to hear about your Grandmother and I'm sorry for your loss.

The loss of this boyfriend isn't a lot of fun but in the end you won't regret the breakup.

There's a term in theatre about actors who just walk through roles and don't make any efforts - it's called "calling in" the performance. The guy you've been dating has been "calling in " this relationship. It should be no surprise that he would "call in" the breakup either.

 

[G-Lexington]

Sorry to hear about your grandmother, but not overly sorry to hear about your now-ex. Sounds like it was in the cards for some time now, and best to just get beyond that.

Lex