Dating quickly gone wrong

[matty525]

Hey guys... So I was looking for some perspective or advice. I had been dating this guy for a month and everything seemed to be going really well. We had met through a mutual friend, he was tired of online dating, and reached out to me to go on a date. We met and started going on casual dates with no kissing, just hugs goodbye. He had said he never was in a relationship and I have only been in one previous short one. After about two weeks of dating he made dinner for me and wanted me to meet some of his friends because they all have heard such great things and wanted to meet me. We had gone out and he invited me to crash at his place since I lived about a half hour away. That night, he invited me to sleep in his bed and all we did was kiss, which would be our first kiss since we were dating. We continued to see each other and went to dinner. We began planning to do things for the summer, and it was becoming clear that we both really liked each other. He had said that he had never been on better dates and we would talk everyday. Just recently, after about a month of dating, he wanted to introduce me to more of his friends, and I was to stay at his place again. After grabbing dinner with his friends, we went to bed and we began kissing passionately, and things started getting intimate. He took off his shirt, and once I started to initiate anything past just kissing, he said he has never been intimate with anyone. I took that as he wanted to slow down which I was perfectly alright with because I really did respect him and didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He said he was sorry and I said it was not an issue for me and that I hoped I could eventually earn his trust because he meant a lot to me. He said he felt the same way. He continued to tell me that he had bought condoms for the evening and I said I was kind of surprised and said that I wasn't expecting at all to have sex that evening but was glad he thought to be safe. I explained that I didn't have much experience in that regard and was glad to wait for that. He then asked what my experience had been and I explained that my ex and I tried it only for a short time because we just weren't ready for that yet. So after the conversation we kissed some more and went to sleep. The next morning I left and he said he couldn't wait to see me again. Throughout the next few days he would call or text and say that he felt so lucky again to meet me, and was looking forward to spending more time with me. He had purchased tickets for a show, and we discussed more plans to go away somewhere for a short weekend. By the middle of the week, I called him one evening and right before I was heading to bed, he called me back and said "we needed to talk" and he basically said very briefly without any emotion that he decided that he doesn't want to date anyone right now, he wanted to focus on his career, and that it was him and not me kind of situation. I asked him if I did anything, and referenced the night I spent with him and that if I made him uncomfortable and he assured me that was not it. I asked if he ever wanted to see me again, and he said "no I do but, I don't want to lead you on." So the conversation quickly ended. I had sent him a message to say that I think I deserve more of an explanation of what was going on and he said that he wasn't lying and that he just wasn't ready for a relationship and things were moving too fast for him to think clearly. I haven't spoken to him since and just yesterday I saw that he reactivated his online dating account. I really don't know what to make of it. His texts to me the day before he called me to end things, were about how much he misses me and how he couldn't wait to see me, kiss me, and go away with me.

I just feel so confused because I thought I had met someone great, and feel so hurt by how things ended. He turned out to be someone completely different than I first thought. I just feel so dismissed by him and I truly respected him and I thought he respected me. I just find it so weird that the day before he was going out of his way to tell me that he misses me and was looking forward to the next weekend, he was suppose to come to my place and I was going to cook him dinner. I don't know if it was something I did or not do but I just feel so let down. I don't know if it was bad that I talked about my ex and our sexual history but he asked and I wanted to be honest. I also thought perhaps he had met someone else but since I noticed he was back on online dating, that wasn't it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

 

[future_retro]

I'm sorry to hear about this - it's certainly a hurtful situation for you. The first thing that comes to mind is that when the guy says he's not ready for a relationship, he's probably quite right. I don't think someone who can dismiss you in such a sudden and incongruous way without a real explanation is really relationship material.

Of course you will naturally wonder what the reason for his behaviour is but it could be any number of things and by the sound of it, he may not even really know himself. Perhaps he's scared of commitment, perhaps he has issues about being gay and it's all getting too close to the bone, maybe he's met someone else, maybe he's just not that into you and wants to meet someone else, maybe he wants to date but can't get truly intimate with a guy due to some traumatic past experience (past sexual abuse? trust issues?), maybe he has a deformed dick and doesn't want you to see it. It could be anything. All you can really do is accept his decision and try to move on. And understand that most guys don't act this way, so try not to let this situation make you too guarded or colour your future dating experiences.

I hope it all works out OK for you.

 

[HunterM]

Sorry for hear this. It also could be he forgot to take his medication...and he turned into an asshole.

Although you want more explanation from him, you could try to get it out of him...but don't depend on it because he may not want to tell you.

Move on to the next one. Until you have a verbal agreement to date exclusively with someone who is ready for a relationship, keep dating several people at the same time.

 

[Rolyo85]

What are your ages? Because you say he hasn't ever been intimate with anyone, yet afterwards you mention he wants to focus on his "career"? Also, are you guys out?

Those are relevant factors in this situation. Seems to me like he is unclear with who he wants to be in regards to his romantic life, and this has suddenly become more real to him than he was ready to handle. But I am not going to say more until I know the things I asked.

 

[matty525]

Thanks for the advice and replies everyone. I am definitely trying to move on. I have deleted him from Facebook, he has been posting about going to different places/shows that we were planning to do with each other so that was making it that much harder. He definitely showed his immaturity quickly, when he called to tell me that we had to talk, I sarcastically said "so your saying its me and not you," and he laughed. He literally had no emotion about it which made it hurt that much more. I guess I got lost in all his talk about feeling lucky and being glad to have met me that I assumed he wanted to progress to something committed. I mean he literally was saying the day before he ended things, that he wanted to take a sick day to just be with me. I even had told him that I had reservations about beginning a relationship because my ex had lied to me and went on vacation with his ex, when he told me he was going to visit his family, and this is the day after I busted my ass helping him move out of his apartment. What a fool I was!

The latest guy I was dating was 23. I am 26. We are both out, he has even been out longer than I have. He has been out for about three years and I have been out for a year and half. He is also very into gay rights so he is not ashamed to be gay or anything. I should have said earlier that he told me that he has given oral before, but no one has sexually explored his body before. I guess there is a possibility that he had a past traumatic sexual experience. But I respected that he wanted to take it slow and I told him that. I mean he was the one that went out and bought condoms, I wasn't even thinking to do that yet. We also related to the fact that we both disliked going to clubs/bars and the whole online dating because we both were meeting all players and flaky people. That is why I am so surprised to see him back on online dating. He assured me that he wasn't going to hurt me like my ex did, and I had nothing to worry about because he really liked me. Therefore I again assumed we were heading somewhere towards committed. Looking back though, I do remember questioning why he never took a compliment well, he always would react oddly. Perhaps he had some self esteem issues.

I do think I am going to give dating a rest for a while. I know not all guys are like this but I seem to be attracting them all to me. Maybe I have to examine exactly why. My first ever dating experience I quickly was intimate with him, then we started casually dating, and he invited me to meet his friends and thats where things went bad. When I arrived at his place, he ignored me the whole night, did not make eye contact, or speak to me, and finally when I heard him talking about me in the next room, I stormed out. Another date I went on a few months ago, he told me on the second date that I was too old to be wearing Abercrombie and Fitch, so that was a huge turn off for me and that was the end of that.

I guess I do need to be a little more reserved for the future. I think I put too much hope in this latest dating experience and thought it was something more than it was. But he definitely gave me the wrong messages. I asked him why he said all those things to me about going away and missing me the previous day when he wasn't looking to date, and he said he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship, but didn't want to hurt me and didn't know how to tell me. So instead he tells me all those nice things during the day and then decides to end things right before I am going to bed. Ugh.

 

[future_retro]

He sounds quite fucked-up, actually. There's obviously very little capacity for empathy on his side. I would chalk it up as a lucky escape, really. Yes, I think you're on the right track when you say you're going to examine yourself a bit too... if you're falling for guys like this, you are probably experiencing some cognitive errors when you're evaluating guys with a view to relationships and dating. You sound like a smart guy with a good heart and a good head on your shoulders though, so I'm sure it will all work out well for you in the end.

 

[matty525]

Thank you future_retro!

 

[subsonic]

The latest guy I was dating was 23. I am 26. We are both out, he has even been out longer than I have. He has been out for about three years and I have been out for a year and half. He is also very into gay rights so he is not ashamed to be gay or anything. I should have said earlier that he told me that he has given oral before, but no one has sexually explored his body before. I guess there is a possibility that he had a past traumatic sexual experience. But I respected that he wanted to take it slow and I told him that. I mean he was the one that went out and bought condoms, I wasn't even thinking to do that yet. We also related to the fact that we both disliked going to clubs/bars and the whole online dating because we both were meeting all players and flaky people. That is why I am so surprised to see him back on online dating. He assured me that he wasn't going to hurt me like my ex did, and I had nothing to worry about because he really liked me. Therefore I again assumed we were heading somewhere towards committed. Looking back though, I do remember questioning why he never took a compliment well, he always would react oddly. Perhaps he had some self esteem issues.

WHY, WHY??? I don't get WHY guys say crap like that! "I'm never going to hurt you"-bullshit. Why do guys say stuff like that? They never know what will happen in the future - urgh, it pisses me off.

I guess I do need to be a little more reserved for the future. I think I put too much hope in this latest dating experience and thought it was something more than it was. But he definitely gave me the wrong messages. I asked him why he said all those things to me about going away and missing me the previous day when he wasn't looking to date, and he said he realized he didn't want to be in a relationship, but didn't want to hurt me and didn't know how to tell me. So instead he tells me all those nice things during the day and then decides to end things right before I am going to bed. Ugh.

I am exactly like this as well. I've used quite some time to try and change that, realize how I can change in order to not think the best of people immediately, be critical and learn to spot the red flags and signs when they are there. I really think that the best you can do is just to pull the plug out and look inwards. Learn from this and your previous experiences.

I'm really sorry for what you went through, it must be horrible. I really wouldn't say that things took this turn because of anything you did, because of sex or pressure or anything else, I just think that he was a deceitful and shady asshole. I'm quite surprised at how many other people here have experienced similar things to this. There are certainly many douchebags in this world and it seems like finding a good, genuine guy is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Don't dwell too much about what you could have done wrong etc. but focus on what you can do to no end up in the same situation again.
Best of luck to you in the future. Keep your head up high.

 

[AstareGod]

Hi Matty, and Welcome to JUB!

I had a somewhat similar experience that you had. The only difference is that I met the guy online while he and I were three states away from each other. He and I sent messages on Facebook back and forth and then started having very long phone conversations, like 2 and 3 hour long. He and I kept talking about seeing each other as soon as I moved back to college (he was living in the city where I went to school but I was away for the summer when he and I started talking). And at that point it really sounded like as soon as he and I met up in person, we would start a relationship.

Then, same exact thing. He tells me all of a sudden that he just came out of the closet very recently and that he didn't think he was ready for a relationship. I took it all in stride and trusted his words.

Then I get back to college and see on Facebook that he's all of a sudden in a relationship with someone else. I of course got angry and demanded an explanation and told him that I didn't think I could trust him ever. And that really screwed up any possibility of a friendship between him and me.

I think for you, Matty, the best thing is that you just leave him behind. It sounds like your heart is in it 100%, but he doesn't feel ready, for whatever reason. He may not necessarily be eyeing someone else - maybe he thinks a relationship is too much pressure and he wants more time to explore himself without a commitment, which is totally normal. You never really 100% know if someone's being truthful to you, so you just have to take everything with a grain of salt, and if you feel that you can't trust someone with what he's telling you, you're much better off finding someone who you can trust.

 

[breathe]

When relationships move quickly, people (understandably, although it's hurtful) sometimes realize and it catches up with them. Without the time to get to know someone but with expectations and commitment piling up, people get cold feet and back out. Very common situation, unfortunately.

Best to take things slow and never put all your eggs in one basket... just try to get to know each other without expectations and over time see what develops .

 

[chance1]

good that you moved on

just single again here - not that long - and i already have a few "stories" to tell

met a guy 2 sundays ago - we had a blast - 2 bar jaunt - chatting the whole time - so comfortable - i offered my place he said no thanks "let's go slow" after which he texted me telling me how into me he was etc. - what a great time he had - can't wait for next time .......

after 10 days of texting and making/not making plans i've stopped trying to figure out why he was so "you're awesome" if in fact he can't commit to a real date

mini version of your story

but the moral of the story i think is that "shit happens" and it takes time and effort and luck to find common souls

not sure about the "taking it slow" part because we are who we are with our internal clocks and how we do what we do

and i gotta be me and you gotta be you

and i always think that's the best way

just gotta be able to handle the aftermath of getting hurt or surprised

good luck

 

[palemale]

The whole purpose of dating is to size up the other person to see if they are the right person to spend the rest of your life with (or attempt to). Unfortunately, pain is sometimes the by-product of this very necessary activity.

I also suspect that on-line dating is warping people's capacity to actually date. One joins a dating/hook-up site and can see hundreds of sexy men in a very short time. An even sexier and better man is just a mouse-click away from the sexy, great guy you are checking out at the present moment. Sometimes I wonder if this attitude bleeds out into "real life" for some people. Some guys (and women too I'm sure) become a little jaded and dismiss people like they do on the internet.

 

[JC2008]

Personally I wish guys and girls would stop treating each other soo cheaply when it comes to dates. Some people see relationships and other peoples hearts as disposable and it just serves to make most of us put up walls because no matter how many times you get rejected, it still hurts!

 

[Seasoned]

My guess is that he wanted sexual sparks and didn't know how to ask directly. It's funny in this world of over communicating regarding every little detail that romantic communication is still such a huge problem for a lot of people.

I think he wanted sex as part of the getting to know you process and that he's looking for an aggressor and you're looking for a mutual explorer.

Relationships are often more about intangibles and that is why it's difficult to explain when they don't work out.

There's something magical about finding the right person which, when it happens, makes us forget the ups and downs of the search.