Dating the complete opposite of you

[Ephemeral]

There's this guy I'm attracted to. I'm not sure if he likes me as well for various reasons (that's another thread for another time). I've known him since the start of this year and I'd call each other simple friends. We're closer than acquaintances but not as cozy as good friends.

The thing is: we're nearly total opposites, physically and culturally.

Religion is his life. I'm a freethinker/free spirit.
He stays in the gym. I avoid it at all costs.
He loves sports. I'm bad at sports and only like watching a few on TV.
He's reserved and standoffish. I try to be cordial and friendly.
His background is extremely conservative and strict. Mine is laid-back and liberal.
He's short and toned. I'm tall and lanky. (This isn't a problem, but still)

Sometimes, the differences take an affect so much, we run out of things to talk about. When we get the convo going, it's great. When we don't, it's like we're both thinking, "So now what?"

What I'm unsure about is if he's unattracted to me, we're incompatible, or if he's only showing me a part of himself. Getting him to talk about himself is like pulling teeth; he always finds ways to direct to convo back to others and even said himself he hated talking about his personal life. BTW: It's way less creepy than it sounds.

What I'm asking is: Should I pursue a potential relationship with someone I hit it off with only sometimes, not all the time? I don't want to waste my time and his when they're other guys out there I could be focusing my attention on (there's one guy in particular who gives me 'the look' whenever I walk past him at school. We said a few words and I find him cute, but I don't know). I fear that we bore each other sometimes when it's neither of our faults.

 

[HunterM]

It sounds you're only attracted to him physically and not compatible in dating. Because you both are polar opposite, there will be a lot of conflicts/frictions/arguments. Unless you are an EXPERT in resolving conflicts diplomatically, I say you should go after someone else whom you have more in common with than this guy.

 

[Rolyo85]

Then again, dating someone who has NOTHING in common with you simply doesn't work.

 

[Seasoned]

I am soon to marry my partner of 28 years. We are very different, but we share a very similar value system and have a strong heart connection. The differences we do have cause conflict but they also bring things to the table that otherwise wouldn't be there.

We have friends to provide us with compatibility. I think there needs to be a reasonable and manageable amount of healthy tension in a love relationship. You'll have to decide how much is reasonable for you.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ephemeral,

You told us:

There's this guy I'm attracted to. (...). we're nearly total opposites, physically and culturally.I'm a freethinker/free spirit. Religion is his life. His background is extremely conservative and strict. Mine is laid-back and liberal. (......). Getting him to talk about himself is like pulling teeth; he always finds ways to direct to convo back to others and even said himself he hated talking about his personal life. (....). Sometimes, the differences take an affect so much, we run out of things to talk about. When we get the convo going, it's great. When we don't, it's like we're both thinking, "So now what?"

Where is the attraction? You hardly provide details about this side of your friendship with this religuy.

Are you open, is he closeted (likely?), will you ever be possible to meet his other friends, and his family? I tend to think you are open, but how about his friends and family, how would they judge you (and your friendship with him)?

You ask us:

Should I pursue a potential relationship with someone I hit it off with only sometimes, not all the time?

No. On top of that, you have a good alternative (see below).

You told us:

There's one guy in particular who gives me 'the look' whenever I walk past him at school. We said a few words and I find him cute, but I don't know).

Why not start a convo with this guy, and try to figure out more about him? It seems that this guy is a much better alternative?

Best wishes & good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK you're way to early to even begin talking about "pursuing" anything.

Does he know you're gay? If not why? If so why do you think he's even interested in that?

 

[Ephemeral]

Another thing I forgot to mention is that he's very neat and tidy and I'm messy and a clutter monster.

I find him very attractive physically.

I am out to everyone in my life. I'm not sure if he's gay (I know, this is a gigantic risk), but I have my suspicions and I want to see if they're correct so I know whether to pursue or not.

Meeting with his family and friends would be a complete disaster. They have Bibles for brains. If he was gay, he'd be excommunicated from his church and community.

I told him I was gay since I met him months ago, so he knows.

There is also another guy in one of my classes I find attractive physically and mentally, yet he too is very religious and like I stated before, I'm not. All of the Jesus lovers are hot, I swear!

Every time I talk to the other two guys, I feel a bizarre sense that I'm betraying him when I don't know if he cares or not.

 

[maxpowr9]

I am soon to marry my partner of 28 years. We are very different, but we share a very similar value system and have a strong heart connection. The differences we do have cause conflict but they also bring things to the table that otherwise wouldn't be there.

We have friends to provide us with compatibility. I think there needs to be a reasonable and manageable amount of healthy tension in a love relationship. You'll have to decide how much is reasonable for you.

This is how I am with my BF too. We have very different tastes but our personalities are very much in sync. I have dated polar opposites personality wise and it almost never works despite the adage that opposites attract.

 

[TX-Beau]

...but I have my suspicions and I want to see if they're correct so I know whether to pursue or not...

OK what do you mean by suspicions? You found gay porn under his pillow? He groped you while drunk one night? Or do you have wishful thinking? You just know because there is something about him? He huged you once, you catch him having longing looks in your general direction?

What is it that makes you think he's in the closet. OK that's problem one.

Problem 2, if he knows you're gay and is that closeted and that religious - you don't have a chance in hell. He might break down and fuck you, but he will NEVER date you - and if you do manage to get him into bed, you'll fuck up your friendship.

Guys with religious issues in the closet are running away from YOU, and everything you represent, they don't want to BE you, they won't DATE you, and they won't admit they are anything but straight.

Where do you see that going?

You seem to be fixating on guys with whom there can be no future and probably no present either, why do you think that is?

 

[KaraBulut]

What I'm asking is: Should I pursue a potential relationship with someone I hit it off with only sometimes, not all the time? I don't want to waste my time and his when they're other guys out there I could be focusing my attention on (there's one guy in particular who gives me 'the look' whenever I walk past him at school. We said a few words and I find him cute, but I don't know). I fear that we bore each other sometimes when it's neither of our faults.

Relationships are work. However, they shouldn't feel like work.

This one sounds like work and it sounds like it feels like work.

And that's not a good thing.

 

[Ephemeral]

OK what do you mean by suspicions? You found gay porn under his pillow? He groped you while drunk one night? Or do you have wishful thinking? You just know because there is something about him? He huged you once, you catch him having longing looks in your general direction?

What is it that makes you think he's in the closet. OK that's problem one.

Problem 2, if he knows you're gay and is that closeted and that religious - you don't have a chance in hell. He might break down and fuck you, but he will NEVER date you - and if you do manage to get him into bed, you'll fuck up your friendship.

Guys with religious issues in the closet are running away from YOU, and everything you represent, they don't want to BE you, they won't DATE you, and they won't admit they are anything but straight.

Where do you see that going?

You seem to be fixating on guys with whom there can be no future and probably no present either, why do you think that is?

Admittedly, I do not have concrete evidence (no gay porn, drunk sex, or anything like that). It's small things like you said: longing looks, asking for piggy back rides, his walk, and fashion sense. He's in his mid 20s and hasn't had a girlfriend yet when he told me himself he could get a wife easily back home. His strict religious background makes me believe he'd certainly be in the closet.

All of these could be misinterpretations though.

The religion part is the biggest problem. I know that if something ever was to blossom from the desert sand, it'd take a tsunami for anything to prosper out of it. Yet, I still find myself wanting to give it a try, so if things didn't work out, I can say, "At least I tried."

I have no idea why I am attracted to guys that are near impossible to obtain. I recently got over an extremely painful infatuation over a straight former friend. He was very polite about turning me down and wanted to remain friends, but I had to end the friendship to get over him and retain the sanity I loss in the process.

 

[Rolyo85]

Um, how do you feel about you being gay? Have you had a successful relationship yet?

 

[Ephemeral]

Um, how do you feel about you being gay? Have you had a successful relationship yet?

I generally feel confident in being gay. I'm not afraid to tell others that I am and I'll share my thoughts and feelings concerning sexuality and gay-oriented things (who I think is cute, my ideal guy, Pride, etc.) if the topic comes up or if anyone asks.

Sometimes, I do feel uncomfortable discussing these things with both gays and non-gays simply because it's been second nature to hide all these thoughts for so long. So sure, I have my ups and downs, but the ups outweigh the downs.

I haven't had any type of a relationship yet. I haven't done anything sexual with a guy or girl. Complete virgin. Never even kissed anyone, if you don't count back in Pre-K. If it sounds like I'm sad, I'm not. I used to be hellbent on this fact until I realized I'm only 19 and I have years ahead of me before I should start to worry.

 

[Seasoned]

While fantasies can be healthy and serve a purpose, infatuations that lead to fixations are unhealthy, and, as you've already seen, can lead to loss of relationships. It is possible to set boundaries so friends don't become objects. Sometimes there's confusion when someone is showing us niceness and acceptance and we take it as affection or even love. It is possible to like or even love certain things about a person without becoming romantically infatuated. You may want to begin working on boundary issues and I'd suggest you do what you can in order to date a few people. Even if your friend is gay he's got a long way to go. I think it's best to get on with your life.

 

[palemale]

I'm bi-sexual, so I have sex with men and straight women. Since lesbians have sex with gay women, they would be my opposite. But I don't date lesbians.

Wait, I know some lesbians who have sex with men sometimes, but consider themselves gay. I've met some lesbians with whom I'd have sex. OMG, I don't have an opposite. I'm so confused.

 

[HunterM]

^ the doctor will see you now

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

I'm bi-sexual, so I have sex with men and straight women. Since lesbians have sex with gay women, they would be my opposite. But I don't date lesbians.

Wait, I know some lesbians who have sex with men sometimes, but consider themselves gay. I've met some lesbians with whom I'd have sex. OMG, I don't have an opposite. I'm so confused.

I think your best bet might be becoming a non-sexual-a-sexual.