Dating the Currently Unaffectionate (long)

[spencer]

Preface: My threads never bode well, ugh, cause posters in this group don't agree with my gay lifestyle. Regardless, I need advice (or at least a different perspective) in my current situation.

As you know I've been dating Justin. We're not exclusive and I haven't stopped trying to date other people.

I'm one of those people that are obsessive and needy (usually) but because I like Justin so much, I've decided to make a conscious (feels like I was forced to) effort to not be anyone of those things (and have succeeded). So things are doing well in that respect. However, Justin has a lot on his plate. He's stressed with work (super stressed, works 60 hours a week) he has family issues and just moved. Since then, he's been less than affectionate.

At first I thought it was a hint, but he continues to contact me, he continues to be receptive to going out. Here's the red flag, last time I tried to more than peck him on the lips he turned away. I figured, it's over. In a conversation, I expressed to him that if there is one thing in his life that will be stable it's me. And in a text conversation, I said maybe after all this, we can work on us again, to which he replied, "sounds good "

Since that text we went out every day since Thursday. I met his best friend and he told me that Justin takes FOREVER to open up to people and he doesn't hang out with just anybody. And he told me that he's heard a lot about me (I've never heard about him). On Sunday, with things as uneventful in the romantic part with Justin as ever, I didn't even bother texting or calling or anything (didn't even bother thinking about him really) I figured this is it and then he texted me.

So after all that, I'm thinking I'm confused, lost and frustrated. I didn't say anything at the time and Justin even apologizes for not being affectionate. I told him I understand, your family member just died, and there's all this stuff going on. But that text about working on us is what has me confused as all.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? I can take a hint, but Justin just keeps on what? dangling the carrot cause he's lonely? I don't know. What conversation if any should have I have next about us? How long would you be there for someone in this situation? I care for the guy and as I get to know him more and more, the more I like him, but I think I'm guarded cause I don't want to get hurt. Maybe he is doing the same. thanks

 

[creatus]

Preface: My threads never bode well, ugh, cause posters in this group don't agree with my gay lifestyle.

Are you speking about the attitude to you staying in the closet, if I remember correctly? Well, perhaps it's just my silly opinion, but I do think this choice is as respectable as any other one.

Well, if you say you are "one of those people that are obsessive and needy (usually)", I strongly suggest waiting. If you choose to express your feelings, you better do it slightly and be careful. However, I guess waiting would be far more appropriated now. Otherwise, later you might realise "It was me who messed everything up. I was so needy!" - and, believe me, it's a very bad feeling. I wish you not to have to cope with it.

Good luck!

 

[Lewis1]

I would say the best thing to do is to detach yourself But, still be there for him when he is ready. It sounds to me that he does not want to make a final decision on whether to end things. That could be because he does not want to "start fresh" with someone after you guys have gotten to know each other. But overall it is kind of hard to say what you should do at this point. I could be wrong but it sounds like your preparing yourself for the worse you shouldnt do that

okay good luck lol

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I think at the moment he's confused and isn't sure what he wants. He clearly has backed off from you, but maybe he's afraid to break off completely at this difficult time.

Set yourself a mental deadline, but don't tell him about it. Give him, say, a month. If things don't get better during that time, tell him you'll be glad to be his friend but you need to move on.

 

[rareboy]

Preface: My threads never bode well, ugh, cause posters in this group don't agree with my gay lifestyle.

You're joking, right? It is a gay relationships no-flame zone.

Yes.

You're obsessive and needy.

Has it occurred to you that the guy just wants you as a friend and not a romantic partner?

Why not just back off for a few days and let him come to you when he's ready. Or not.

Gotta say...it doesn't sound promising.

We're not exclusive and I haven't stopped trying to date other people.

Oh yeah. This might be part of the problem.

 

[KaraBulut]

At the risk of oversimplifying the situation, it just seems to me that you and Justin need to have a "state of our relationship" talk.

First, put the phone down. You cannot relay honesty and emotion in a text window, no matter how many emoticons you use.

Lay down together on the couch. Ask him if it's okay if you cuddle or at least put your head in his lap. Tell him that you like him and you want to have a more serious, physical relationship with him. Ask him how he feels.

And pay attention to his answer. When asked, "How do you feel?", guys tend to answer, "I think..." It may take some time to get to the "I feel..." part of his answer.

 

[TygreBryte]

It sounds to me like he's attached to you, and from the perspective of a possible relationship, that's good.

As I read your post one thing that occurs to me is, you're interpreting everything Justin does from the standpoint of, "What does this particular event/signal mean in terms of his intentions of continuing a relationship with me?" My guess is that, in terms of that particular question, a lot of what he is doing means nothing: it's noise. What they MIGHT signify, however, is his own need to have some control of his immediate world after his family member has died and other stuff is going on. That is: it's really NOT about you!

I think it's awesome that you have made this conscious effort to not be "obsessive and needy." Let me show you WHERE THIS IS WORKING FOR YOU. You didn't call Justin on Sunday. Eventually, he called you. That's a "win." One adjustment that might have moved the situation further towards "win" would have been if you didn't start thinking of it as "oh, he's hinting that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me." Instead, you might think to yourself, "let's just wait and see."

In my experience, feeling obsessive and needy is very uncomfortable. Expressing that obsessive neediness can serve as a method of transferring your discomfort to someone else, and... who wants that? How attractive is that? ;-) It can be especially difficult when the other person has more going one than he (or she) can effectively take care of, themselves, to begin with.

One of my basic relationship questions is, "What is it that I have to offer?" I think that's always a good one to ponder. I wonder if this one might be useful for you, as well: "What is it that Justin has that I want, beyond giving me the feeling of being wanted?"

Best wishes!

 

[spencer]

Has it occurred to you that the guy just wants you as a friend and not a romantic partner?

Rareboy, I'm going to quote yours although I'm going to comment on everybody's input. Yes, it is what I'm currently thinking, however Justin speaks his mind (harshly even) and when I texted (I know) what I thought was clearly that I wanted to work on us, he replied sounds good. I don't think he'd hold back if he felt otherwise. I think he'd say, "i'm so over it". Although, one thing I like about him is that he really respects me and if there is one person he wouldn't say something like that to, it'd be me. That said, I'm not holding my breath.

I 100% agree that a need not hang my hat on every word and every event. I'm still just trying to not be needy and obsessive with calls and texts. That's the next project.

He's just got so much going on that at this point in time, sitting him down with an ultimatum of sorts will certainly result poorly. I can go on and on about what he's got going on, but in short he's trying to be everything to everyone. His rents lost their job and he helps support them, his friends treat him like crap, he just moved so he's had all these expenses and if I were in his situation I'd go crazy. He's literally got $20 till his next paycheck. He's trying to quit smoking and overall be this responsible person, but he's so used to his early mid-20's lifestyle, that it's going to take time.

So after tonight (after chatting with him on the phone) I'm pretty much decided that I'm going to lay low cause I would like to see him in a better light. If after that I'm going to tell him that it's not working out. Guess i'm going for the old adage about letting someone go and seeing if they come back.

 

[spencer]

I'd like to hijack my own thread to say how saddened I am that Michael Jackson passes away

On the way home I was talking to my best friend and he was telling me that he was in the hospital and that TMZ was reporting he was dead. I was like, bullshit and tears were rolling down my face. When I got home I turned on the TV and the LA Times had confirmed it.

I've never cried from any celebrity death (although I really miss Luther).

I hope he finds peace where he is.