Dealing with being in TX and trying to find dates

[dirtyblond91]

I came out back in May but until a few months ago I thought I was bi. I am gay and proud. That said I live with my parents in TX, and although they know and my closets friends no, it is hard to make it known.

I have no desire to be a flame or whatever, actually I dress pretty preppy, I just wish I were in a more accepting area because I never been on a date before let alone got a BJ or had any kind of sex. I have done some cyber-sex via Facebook PM and chatturbate but it is hard to let people know I am gay in the outside world. I also don't know how to hit on guys! I am starting to get a "feeling" that certain guys are gay for not but how do I make the first move? I am mainly afraid of hate crimes/gay bashing.


Basically, what is a subtle way to see if a guy is interested in you, or show you are interested in a guy, or tell if a guy is gay. I live in the Texas so I am a bit afraid.

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Also, what does this mean by "No Flame Zone?"

 

[TX-Beau]

No fame zone means no flamewars. Be cordial.

Where exactly in Texas are you?

 

[dirtyblond91]

30 minutes from Dallas.

 

[TX-Beau]

You find gay men by going where gay men go. Yes it's possible to pick up a guy in the grocery store in Dallas (or anywhere) but your best chances are putting yourself out there in the venues gay men frequent. Clubs, bars, orgs, volunteer at a gay charity, join a gay hiking club, go out in the gay community, etc. Dallas has a huge gay community, I never had trouble getting action there damn near 20 years ago.

If you're asking how to tell if a guy is gay in a non-gay situation, you can't. Straight guys are basically clueless and don't understand what you might interpret as a "signal" and what you won't and don't care either way. Closet cases are so busy being "subtle" they're damn near impossible to spot.

The only way to reliably find other gay men outside the community is to tell them you are gay and watch how they react. Other out gay men will almost always immediately (and who wants a closet case anyway) reciprocate and you can proceed from there.

But your best bet is to go where gay men go, and do the things gay men do together, and be friendly and polite and have a good time along the way - remember, you want them to want to be around you. I call this putting yourself in a target rich environment.

Start on the net, I bet you'll find something to try.

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BTW how old are you?

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW how old are you?

 

[KaraBulut]

...Basically, what is a subtle way to see if a guy is interested in you, or show you are interested in a guy, or tell if a guy is gay. I live in the Texas so I am a bit afraid.

Texas, especially an urban area like Dallas, is pretty much like any other part of the US. There's plenty of guys looking to meet other guys.

Where a lot of young guys go wrong is not being clear with themselves and other people about what they're looking for.

There's a difference between looking to make friends, looking to meet people, looking for someone to date and looking for an NSA hookup. The hookups are easy. Finding good friends is not as easy.

Also, what does this mean by "No Flame Zone?"

It's a confusing term for a gay forum.

It doesn't mean flame as in "flaming queen". It means that responses to threads in the NFZ should be respectful to other posters. No name-calling or mistreatment of people who ask for support or members who offer support.

 

[dirtyblond91]

BTW how old are you?

23
How old are you?

 

[TX-Beau]

23
How old are you?

Almost old enough to be your daddy.

 

[checkinthingsout]

30 minutes from Dallas.

I would have to agree with other posts and say you should visit a gay bar. That will be the best place to meet guys. I think you may be pleasantly surprised as to what kind of guys you will run into there. There will be guys just like you in their brooks brothers polos and croakies. At the very least, you might find a friend.


I hadn't entered a gay bar until I was 24, and once I had gone, I wish I hadn't waited so long. You can try and go off of "looks" and "signals" but there is no proven methodology to tell what guy is interested in you. I think it relies most on how sensitive an individual is to other guys body language already, and since you are here asking, I'll assume (like most guys) you are not one where it comes naturally.

If you aren't comfortable with a bar, try gay dating sites. There you can find some cool guys as well, especially in Southern cities where gay guys may not be as open as northern cities. I used them a lot when I lived in TX (Houston).


The only other thing that has worked for me is talking to guys at the gym who approach me, and maybe 6/10 times, if you can carry on that conversation until it leads to you guys exchanging #s, he might be interested...but I live in a pretty gay area of atlanta, so the chances are higher that these guys are gay anyways. Also, a guy I worked with actually hit on me at concert we went to, I think I wrote about it in a forum here last year, but we were kinda drunk and he only knew because he put his hand on my leg and I just kinda froze up and didnt make eye contact until a minute later he was rubbing my boner ha. So i guess you could try that if you are bold enough. But he was in the army and he had done it with a few guys there, gay and straight, so I guess he had that natural intuition thing I was talkin about.

 

[dirtyblond91]

I would have to agree with other posts and say you should visit a gay bar. That will be the best place to meet guys. I think you may be pleasantly surprised as to what kind of guys you will run into there. There will be guys just like you in their brooks brothers polos and croakies. At the very least, you might find a friend.


I hadn't entered a gay bar until I was 24, and once I had gone, I wish I hadn't waited so long. You can try and go off of "looks" and "signals" but there is no proven methodology to tell what guy is interested in you. I think it relies most on how sensitive an individual is to other guys body language already, and since you are here asking, I'll assume (like most guys) you are not one where it comes naturally.

If you aren't comfortable with a bar, try gay dating sites. There you can find some cool guys as well, especially in Southern cities where gay guys may not be as open as northern cities. I used them a lot when I lived in TX (Houston).

I have been doing online dating and it is so hit/miss. I have a learning disability called, "Aspergers Syndrome" and it basically effects communication skills, so, needless to say I have had more misses than hits on online dating. Don't get me wrong though people are always sending me requests but most of them look like squirrels and want a hookup. I don't want a long term but I kinda want to know the person first. I am okay with screwing on a first date as long as me and him can continue the relationship either as friends or lovers. Basically, seeing having sex with a guy then never seeing him again isn't that pleasing nor is a FWB situation unless there was a greater emphasis on the friend aspect. It's just that some guys online are rather flakey but most are not my type.

I tend to not like the overly campy queen types. That said, I wouldn't mind seeing drag shows LOL. But the type who have really high pitch voices and lisp really turn me off. I tend to dress preppy and somewhat bold (Black Polo/White shorts; Green polo hat/Red Polo shirt/Yellow pants) and the guys I like tend to dress the same way. Anyway, do you find those type at gay bars? Or do you normally find the queen type? Now, I am not dishing the queens, and I am sorry if I sound insulting, because I am very much an individualist.

Oh, I never been to any kind of bar before as I really don't drink. Some drinks I do like but I normally only drink water LOL That said If I went to a bar then, yeah, I would defiantly get a drink. Anyway, how do gay bars different from str8 bars? What do I expect from a gay bar? I won't be able to go anyway until I have a place of my own..

Sorry for my long response, BTW

 

[checkinthingsout]

I have been doing online dating and it is so hit/miss. I have a learning disability called, "Aspergers Syndrome" and it basically effects communication skills, so, needless to say I have had more misses than hits on online dating. Don't get me wrong though people are always sending me requests but most of them look like squirrels and want a hookup. I don't want a long term but I kinda want to know the person first. I am okay with screwing on a first date as long as me and him can continue the relationship either as friends or lovers. Basically, seeing having sex with a guy then never seeing him again isn't that pleasing nor is a FWB situation unless there was a greater emphasis on the friend aspect. It's just that some guys online are rather flakey but most are not my type.

I tend to not like the overly campy queen types. That said, I wouldn't mind seeing drag shows LOL. But the type who have really high pitch voices and lisp really turn me off. I tend to dress preppy and somewhat bold (Black Polo/White shorts; Green polo hat/Red Polo shirt/Yellow pants) and the guys I like tend to dress the same way. Anyway, do you find those type at gay bars? Or do you normally find the queen type? Now, I am not dishing the queens, and I am sorry if I sound insulting, because I am very much an individualist.

Oh, I never been to any kind of bar before as I really don't drink. Some drinks I do like but I normally only drink water LOL That said If I went to a bar then, yeah, I would defiantly get a drink. Anyway, how do gay bars different from str8 bars? What do I expect from a gay bar? I won't be able to go anyway until I have a place of my own..

Sorry for my long response, BTW

Online Dating sites:
They are always hit or miss and probably not the best at finding friends...What worked for me was that I found someone on Jac'd, a gay phone app and we went to a straight bar on a tuesday at 7 to just talk, and instead of it going to romantic route we just became friends that way. Since you have Aspergers, this might be harder for you to transition to friend zone than it was for me, but I would give that a try. Remember meet somewhere public (neither your house nor theirs) and somewhere neutral where you guys could enjoy yourselves. Maybe invite him to BW3s and watch a Cowboys game or something? You can find friends online, by suggesting meeting places where friends would normally hang out. That way there is no pressure for sex, and you guys actually get to talk.

Dating in general is hit or miss. Ask any male or female who is 26+, goodlooking, and unmarried/single. That is the world we live in. You have to be ready to potentially meet/kiss/fuck some frogs before you find a prince. Welcome to 21st century America.

Gay Bars:
I dont like really effeminate guys at all either, that said, after going to gay bars, it doesn't offend me like it used to...I would say it was an irrational fear of the unknown. Drag Queens can be pretty funny too, although I don't seek them out. There are all different types of guys. Especially in Dallas you are going to see masculine preppy guys at the bar as well. Trust me. I am in Atlanta right now, and I've met about 3 ex college ball players around my age (25), but there are definitely more fratty guys than anything at some of the younger bars. I tend to go for really buff/muscular guys, which is definitely less common, but still for the most part masculine guys. Just go, and trust me, you will see at least a few guys who will interest you! but as an FYI, I dont know how preppy other guys dress at night...usually prep wear is more day party type events, where as at night you see guys in more t shirts, jeans, and tanks...but in Dallas this could be different because it is a more preppy city in general than Atlanta.

Gay Bar vs. Straight Bar:

1st has guys that you know are gay. Increases likelihood of success. Music is a lot more pop/techno. Very little hip hop/R&B/Country unless you go to a gay bar with one of these musical themes. Cheaper drinks. larger age range of patrons 21-45+. Expect to be nervous and uncomfortable until you down your first shot and explain to the bar tender or the nearest guy you think is attractive that this is your first time in a gay bar. If you smile enough, after this, one of those guys just might get you a welcome shot (#2) in which time you might loosen up and start having an actual conversation. Just looked up a the gay area of town and you need to be in Oak Lawn FYI. Google it. Go there this weekend, and report back!

Straight bars have guys who are mostly straight, with some gay sprinkled in, but you will never know who they are exactly among straight guys. Better Music. More expensive drinks. smaller age range of patrons. 22-35. Very few gay people to talk to. Often too crowded during the night with waaay too much binge drinking. Better music.

Not going to bars before and having a place of your own:
Why not? Do any of your 21-23 year old friends go to bars? Do you have friends? How do you socialize? Just say you are going to a straight bar, then set your GPS to Oak Lawn in downtown Dallas, and have fun there, then come home, and tell whoever you are living with you went to a straight bar when they ask you questions. Why is that not an option? Have you never lied/omitted where you were going before?

Style of Dress:
Not to be judgmental, but the outfits you just described sound a little basic. 99.999% Green+Red=Christmas in people's minds, so dont wear that out...Red+Yellow=McDonald's so dont do that one either. You need more blues in your life kid, lol. From what you described, your style is that of Freshmen prep school kid. You should be dressing like you already work for the family law practice. Refine it. Maybe throw in some pastel/neutral oxford shirts? Get some driving shoes leather or some oxfords (suede) if you dont have any...Your preppy needs work. For inspiration: http://www.pinterest.com/wellprepped/mens-prep-essentials/

 

[dirtyblond91]

Online Dating sites:
They are always hit or miss and probably not the best at finding friends...What worked for me was that I found someone on Jac'd, a gay phone app and we went to a straight bar on a tuesday at 7 to just talk, and instead of it going to romantic route we just became friends that way. Since you have Aspergers, this might be harder for you to transition to friend zone than it was for me, but I would give that a try. Remember meet somewhere public (neither your house nor theirs) and somewhere neutral where you guys could enjoy yourselves. Maybe invite him to BW3s and watch a Cowboys game or something? You can find friends online, by suggesting meeting places where friends would normally hang out. That way there is no pressure for sex, and you guys actually get to talk.

Dating in general is hit or miss. Ask any male or female who is 26+, goodlooking, and unmarried/single. That is the world we live in. You have to be ready to potentially meet/kiss/fuck some frogs before you find a prince. Welcome to 21st century America.

Gay Bars:
I dont like really effeminate guys at all either, that said, after going to gay bars, it doesn't offend me like it used to...I would say it was an irrational fear of the unknown. Drag Queens can be pretty funny too, although I don't seek them out. There are all different types of guys. Especially in Dallas you are going to see masculine preppy guys at the bar as well. Trust me. I am in Atlanta right now, and I've met about 3 ex college ball players around my age (25), but there are definitely more fratty guys than anything at some of the younger bars. I tend to go for really buff/muscular guys, which is definitely less common, but still for the most part masculine guys. Just go, and trust me, you will see at least a few guys who will interest you! but as an FYI, I dont know how preppy other guys dress at night...usually prep wear is more day party type events, where as at night you see guys in more t shirts, jeans, and tanks...but in Dallas this could be different because it is a more preppy city in general than Atlanta.

Gay Bar vs. Straight Bar:

1st has guys that you know are gay. Increases likelihood of success. Music is a lot more pop/techno. Very little hip hop/R&B/Country unless you go to a gay bar with one of these musical themes. Cheaper drinks. larger age range of patrons 21-45+. Expect to be nervous and uncomfortable until you down your first shot and explain to the bar tender or the nearest guy you think is attractive that this is your first time in a gay bar. If you smile enough, after this, one of those guys just might get you a welcome shot (#2) in which time you might loosen up and start having an actual conversation. Just looked up a the gay area of town and you need to be in Oak Lawn FYI. Google it. Go there this weekend, and report back!

Straight bars have guys who are mostly straight, with some gay sprinkled in, but you will never know who they are exactly among straight guys. Better Music. More expensive drinks. smaller age range of patrons. 22-35. Very few gay people to talk to. Often too crowded during the night with waaay too much binge drinking. Better music.

Not going to bars before and having a place of your own:
Why not? Do any of your 21-23 year old friends go to bars? Do you have friends? How do you socialize? Just say you are going to a straight bar, then set your GPS to Oak Lawn in downtown Dallas, and have fun there, then come home, and tell whoever you are living with you went to a straight bar when they ask you questions. Why is that not an option? Have you never lied/omitted where you were going before?

Style of Dress:
Not to be judgmental, but the outfits you just described sound a little basic. 99.999% Green+Red=Christmas in people's minds, so dont wear that out...Red+Yellow=McDonald's so dont do that one either. You need more blues in your life kid, lol. From what you described, your style is that of Freshman prep school kid. You should be dressing like you already work for the family law practice. Refine it. Maybe throw in some pastel/neutral oxford shirts? Get some driving shoes leather or some oxfords (suede) if you dont have any...Your preppy needs work. For inspiration: http://www.pinterest.com/wellprepped/mens-prep-essentials/

I really like that stuff..especially the watch.
But yeah, I do need a wardrobe overhaul! That said I recently got this shirt. How is it?

 

[TX-Beau]

This is starting to become an exercise in way over-thinking the issue. There are all kinds of gay "scene" in Dallas. Find one that fits you. It could be bars (they come in different varieties) it could be volunteer orgs, or even churches.

Dress like you want, if that's clothes horse so be it, if it's gay redneck, be your fucking self.

Don't bother with straight bars unless you're hanging out with straight friends.

 

[dirtyblond91]

This is starting to become an exercise in way over-thinking the issue. There are all kinds of gay "scene" in Dallas. Find one that fits you. It could be bars (they come in different varieties) it could be volunteer orgs, or even churches.

Dress like you want, if that's clothes horse so be it, if it's gay redneck, be your fucking self.

Don't bother with straight bars unless you're hanging out with straight friends.

Okay! Thanks for the advice

 

[checkinthingsout]

Don't bother with straight bars unless you're hanging out with straight friends.

Very solid advice. I've wasted countless hours in them lol.

The shirt is ok... I wouldn't buy it only for the fact that its too bold, so I wouldn't necessarily consider it preppy. Preppy is stuff that I would consider wearing to work on a casual friday in an office...clothes that can change settings with minimal effort. I wouldnt consider wearing that. You should go more in the pastel direction in terms of color, and solid colors, stripes(not too bold), or patterns for shirts. that way they are more versatile...I'm sure there are plenty of fashion bloggers on the net that can guide you, but I only know what I see, and I wouldn't say that was preppy.

 

[dirtyblond91]

Very solid advice. I've wasted countless hours in them lol.

The shirt is ok... I wouldn't buy it only for the fact that its too bold, so I wouldn't necessarily consider it preppy. Preppy is stuff that I would consider wearing to work on a casual friday in an office...clothes that can change settings with minimal effort. I wouldnt consider wearing that. You should go more in the pastel direction in terms of color, and solid colors, stripes(not too bold), or patterns for shirts. that way they are more versatile...I'm sure there are plenty of fashion bloggers on the net that can guide you, but I only know what I see, and I wouldn't say that was preppy.

Thank you very much, sir!

 

[alwayready]

hi im pretty much in the same situation as you(24 and in texas) and what helped me most was using connection sites only looking for friends then going to dallas on the weekends. multiple things to do both at night and during the day. big thing is not to be discouraged if you live in a small town like i do. for instance i can spend all week in my town not get hit on or meet anyone interesting but ive met guys in dallas in museums, stores, and of course clubs in minutes. aspergers can suck but most guys would not mind. i mean they might be confused for a minute but a good one wont care once he knows whats up