Dealing with my boyfriend's past

[No1spcl]

Who said anything about lying to anyone or anything about hetero role models?

750+...you def wouldn't be getting a call back after disclosing that to me...but what would you have done to reassure your guy if after saying that he became freaked out and stressed out like the op? Or would have done if after months of dating if your past was still stressing him out? Just saying that yours had no issue with it so the op shouldn't either solves nothing. Obviously the op does have a problem with it.

 

[eastofeden]

Who said anything about lying to anyone or anything about hetero role models?

750+...you def wouldn't be getting a call back after disclosing that to me...but what would you have done to reassure your guy if after saying that he became freaked out and stressed out like the op? Or would have done if after months of dating if your past was still stressing him out? Just saying that yours had no issue with it so the op shouldn't either solves nothing. Obviously the op does have a problem with it.

I worked in a gay bar for 20 years..and I can tell you..the "purity crowd" can bring a special hell to any relationship. For one thing..they have already defined everything and the other..they lie to themselves and their partners a lot because they see sexual exploits without commitment as a moral failure way too often. I watched this up close and personal day in and day out.....meeting and talking to tens of thousands of gay men....you start seeing trends.....

...and I know alot of gay couples who have bene together even longer than us...32/35/36/40/42/45 years...and they were pretty much all sluts before they were together..or at least one of them was....

The reason...people like me know sex is just sex and I make it what it was. I never pretended I was in love or interested in dating to get laid. I did not lead people on or make false promises.

It sounds like the OP met a guy who was also hone. he wanted to know if it was possible to start a relationship with someone like that. My input is very relevant as I have already lived it.

 

[eastofeden]

And you completely ignored my questions...

Your questions:

750+...you def wouldn't be getting a call back after disclosing that to me

No worries.....from your tone....we would not even be compatible and we would never even be associated with each other. Obviously..these two guys ARE compatible

...but what would you have done to reassure your guy if after saying that he became freaked out and stressed out like the op?

He doesn't have that kind of personality..but if he did..I would tell him exactly what I said above. I chose him...I never pretended to be romantically interested in ANY of my sex partners.

Or would have done if after months of dating if your past was still stressing him out? Just saying that yours had no issue with it so the op shouldn't either solves nothing. Obviously the op does have a problem with it.

...and he is basing it on his partner's past..not his present. There are NO guarantees..ever in life...none. The morally pure people cheat all the time.they just lie about it. Would he be happier with that person? My past is similar to his partners. He said this: "While I knew our pasts were different, I also knew he was my soulmate."

If he believes he is his soulmate....would he rather have someone who is not his soulmate to spend his life with? I think he wants some input and I gave it to him. So did you. Do you suggest he leave his soulmate because of what "might happen"?

You lived it, as I have. I've witnessed overly active guys failing completely at monogomy over and over and over again. So what I've seen over twenty years (I'm 38) is invalid because you have a different perspective on it? Again, agree to disagree.

I am 58...and I have lived it a lot longer....and I definitely have a different perspective.

..and yes..we can agree to disagree.....

 

[No1spcl]

I would, and did, and do suggest he get out now before he gets in deeper (ten months is still early in any relationship) and gets hurt worse. Soulmate or not.

 

[eastofeden]

I would, and did, and do suggest he get out now before he gets in deeper (ten months is still early in any relationship) and gets hurt worse. Soulmate or not.

How is he "hurting him"? Really..I don't get it. Relationships take work. You have to confront all of your fears in order to evolve in any relationship. Your relationship with other people will be as good as the relationship you have with yourself.

Putting it on his BF is not something he did...it is something you are doing. I don't see anywhere where his boyfriend has done anything to hurt him. Am I missing something? If you are referring to his his BF's self deprecating humor on the computer screen....his reaction is his...and his alone.

His boyfriend didn't do anything to "hurt" him. I am sure he will though...about one thing or another...and that is one of those personal lessons that must be learned in any adult relationship if you want to have inner peace...don't make other people responsible for your feelings.

Oh yeah...lets agree to disagree..eh? Maybe he will use your advice? Maybe not. I want to give other people a chance to give their own perspective though and since this really isn't a debate board...peace out

 

[No1spcl]

Sigh...when I said gets hurt worse I meant their relationship is still young, leaving now would hurt, but staying longer and investing more will hurt worse if the bf reverts to sleeping around. You also seem to not be seeing that he is already worried the bf will go back to his old behaviours, living with that fear and stress every day is hurtful as well.

 

[Rolyo85]

Sigh...when I said gets hurt worse I meant their relationship is still young, leaving now would hurt, but staying longer and investing more will hurt worse if the bf reverts to sleeping around. You also seem to not be seeing that he is already worried the bf will go back to his old behaviours, living with that fear and stress every day is hurtful as well.

Again with "reverts", as if talking about an addiction and not a healthy sex drive.

Gay guys often sleep around before meeting the guy who is worth staying with. It's a fact of life and there's really nothing wrong with it. Get over your pride understanding of what sex represents. It's not a disease...

 

[kallipolis]

There is no security in life. Life is insecure from our conception, to our death. Death introduces us to security, when security ceases to matter. Ones endeavours construct the life that each of us believes will grant us security, and the contentment born out of the reassurance that we generate by working every day to grow a secure life.

Courage to believe in our ability to create a life worth living to die for, is the dedication that we generate to make our loving relationship, with another person worth our time and effort. It is through the effort that we make, that we grow our satisfaction, leading to our contentment.

The unknown, and the challenging is ideal territory for the pioneer spirit, dedicated to creating a life filled with trials, and set backs that oblige us to keep trying to improve on the man we were yesterday. Trying to make our loving relationship, prosper is a daily investment in life that will always return a worthwhile profit, filled with love to those who fearlessly ignore their shadow man's invitation to surrender to fear that success is not worth our time, and effort.

Those who seek the flawless loving partner, are invited to start with self improvement lessons.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.¬Plato

 

[alphalover23]

You guys sound so in love; let the past go where it belongs - in the past. You have something precious, so enjoy every moment together both now and in the future. Good luck to you both.

 

[bottomlynx]

He is clean, isn't it? Well, let's the love goes on. Only you can decide to know or not his past. Do you think it can hurt you? Don't ask him. The past can not be changed but the future does. Love each other and let him know your feelings. Don't worry about his experiences.

 

[tarallucci]

Those who seek the flawless loving partner, are invited to start with self improvement lessons.

The fact that the original poster's partner has been honest to him is definitely to be appreciated, but it doesn't mean he has to improve anything if he feels uncomfortable with his past.

 

[Rolyo85]

The fact that the original poster's partner has been honest to him is definitely to be appreciated, but it doesn't mean he has to improve anything if he feels uncomfortable with his past.

No, it kinda does. He needs to reflect on WHY he feels uncomfortable with the past when there are no red flags in the present. We can't change the past but the present is up to us.

 

[kallipolis]

No, it kinda does. He needs to reflect on WHY he feels uncomfortable with the past when there are no red flags in the present. We can't change the past but the present is up to us.

Correct...

for the past is unchangeable...whereas, our today, presents us with the opportunity to improve on the man we were yesterday.

 

[tarallucci]

He should reflect on something he doesn't share.

Judging from the chat episode, the partner was pretty proud of his past so it mightn't have been just a mistake of long gone days.

To tell the truth, "the past can't be changed" sounds like a poor excuse to me. What's done is done, let's pretend nothing happened.

Thankfully there are still people who try to set limits and find things like orgies unsettling. Otherwise, anyone would be wedding material for anyone.

 

[Rolyo85]

He should reflect on something he doesn't share. Judging from the chat episode, the partner was pretty proud of his past so it mightn't have been just a mistake of long gone days. To tell the truth, "the past can't be changed" sounds like a poor excuse to me. What's done is done, let's pretend nothing happened. Thankfully there are still people who try to set limits and find things like orgies unsettling. Otherwise, anyone would be wedding material for anyone.

Lol yes, exactly. Nothing happened. Guy had fun and just because your Puritan views find it "unsettling", doesn't mean he has anything to apologize or be ashamed of.

 

[Seasoned]

Thread is now closed because posters have more of a need to be right rather than be helpful to the OP. Repeating the same arguments or trying to have the last word is in violation of a no flame forum.