Dealing with quiet types

[brokegayguy]

Evening folks, quick question: How do you deal with quiet types?

Over the past few months, I've been kinda seeing someone. We click well, like the same movies/music/games, and enjoy each other's company. But he's SO silent. I have to start every single conversation or ask all the questions, and even then he'll just give one word answers or shrugs. At first, I chalked it up to shyness, but after a few months? I've confronted him a few times, and it's always just "sorry" and then change the subject. Just feels like he doesn't give a damn at all, it's maddening

I know some people are just that way, and it's probably rude of me to try to change him or anything like that, but still...how the hell do you deal with that?

 

[outofleft]

Evening folks, quick question: How do you deal with quiet types?

Over the past few months, I've been kinda seeing someone. We click well, like the same movies/music/games, and enjoy each other's company. But he's SO silent. I have to start every single conversation or ask all the questions, and even then he'll just give one word answers or shrugs. At first, I chalked it up to shyness, but after a few months? I've confronted him a few times, and it's always just "sorry" and then change the subject. Just feels like he doesn't give a damn at all, it's maddening

I know some people are just that way, and it's probably rude of me to try to change him or anything like that, but still...how the hell do you deal with that?

If you don't like the way he interacts with you socially, and it's really as bad as you make it sound, maybe it's time to end things. I have a friend who I love dearly but has about the same enthusiasm for life as a bowl of pudding. Conversations with him are either one-worded or 100% scathing sarcasm. I know I could never, ever date him. So I don't. Maybe you should consider whether the levels on which you click with this guy are worth his sometimes cold demeanor.

All that being said, he can't possibly ONLY give one-word answers all the time, otherwise you never would have gotten with him in the first place. When do you have good conversations? When do you not? Is it based on his mood, or on the topic? Just figure out what causes him to not wanna talk and then work around it.

 

[eastofeden]

I empathize with you...and I know how frustrating this can be. I have a friend who is like this and though I am not dating him I have a hard time hanging out with him for this reason. He is a good and decent man and very admirable as a human being...I don't have a bad thought about him otherwise but the man has only one word answers and can go for hours in silence if you don't say anything and it becomes really uncomfortable....I find myself avoiding him now. I wish I knew what to tell you...I will be interested in what other people say.

 

[brokegayguy]

All that being said, he can't possibly ONLY give one-word answers all the time, otherwise you never would have gotten with him in the first place. When do you have good conversations? When do you not? Is it based on his mood, or on the topic? Just figure out what causes him to not wanna talk and then work around it.

Well he can get a little talkative if we discuss work or some things he likes (TV shows, movies, etc.). But even then, I still have to push him into it sometimes. So I guess mood is the culprit here, like a bad day at work. Not sure if "cold" is the best word, he still always answers and smiles and stuff. Maybe "I feel ignored or taken for granted."

And yeah, it's possible I should end it...even though he's SUCH a sex god

I empathize with you...and I know how frustrating this can be. I have a friend who is like this and though I am not dating him I have a hard time hanging out with him for this reason. He is a good and decent man and very admirable as a human being...I don't have a bad thought about him otherwise but the man has only one word answers and can go for hours in silence if you don't say anything and it becomes really uncomfortable....I find myself avoiding him now. I wish I knew what to tell you...I will be interested in what other people say.

Yeah, this pretty much sums up my situation, it can get VERY uncomfortable. It's getting to the point where I'm almost afraid to say anything because I worry I'm annoying him or getting him angry.

I'd love to hear what other folks have to say too. Thanks, sexy gentlemen

 

[Seasoned]

I can be pretty quite and my husband is an over communicator and yet we've been together 30 years. Some of this is personality and some relates to childhood issues. You see yourself as normal as does he. Compromise can be had if you are both willing. This could also be an issue for couple's counseling. People aren't like types if cereal or soda to be put back on the shelf while we grab another. Every human being comes with quirks.

 

[palbert]

I'm like your friend. If I have nothing to say I keep my mouth shut.

(Sometimes I wish my friends could practice the same.)

 

[Scribe25]

Some people are simply non-verbal. Not something you can change by confronting him. Your nagging him won't improve things. If you want to maintain your friendship and see him occasionally, then maybe go to a movie where you can enjoy one another's company in an environment where chatting is discouraged. I am communicative and need my close friends to be as well so this would be a deal breaker for me. You have to decide that. Accept his quiet personality or see less of him but don't expect him to change to please you.

 

[darden]

you could just not be compatible.

I'm a quiet guy... the experiences I've had with guys nagging me into talking more have all been horrific. I'm just quiet by nature, and I'm only interested in being with someone I can be myself around. my boyfriend does enough talking for the both of us

 

[brokegayguy]

Well it's one thing to be yourself (which I wholeheartedly respect, don't get me wrong), but another to put no effort in making the other person feel cared for

 

[darden]

Well it's one thing to be yourself (which I wholeheartedly respect, don't get me wrong), but another to put no effort in making the other person feel cared for

any chance he really just doesn't care for you?

how does he show his affection in other, non-verbal ways?

 

[HunterM]

Does not sound like you two are compatible. I feel for you. It's like playing tennis. You are the one who keeps serving the ball across the net; and he is not putting any effort in volleying it back to you. What fun is that?

Either you have to reset your expectation how to be with him in this relationship or get out.

 

[sixthson]

What are the odds you will change to be as silent as he? Slim to none, right? He probably won't change either.
You are already expressing displeasure after a few months. Imagine what it would be like on a daily basis for years.

A person might be taciturn by nature, but at least some effort must be put into verbal communication when the other person so obviously needs it.

I need communication from my partner. I can't imagine living without it. There are people who are fine without it, as we have read in this thread. You need to find out how serious you each are about the other and what the future holds for you.

 

[evanrick]

sounds like hes introverted, your extroverted. its a little oversimplified but have you tried getting him drunk?

you basically have to teach your friend that being social isn't dangerous. a lot of us that dont start conversations feel like its too complicated to communicate effectively.

a part of this is being emotionally aware of the person your communicating with, and that can
be very hard to do after years of being 'shy'.

so yes there is probably a reason your friend doesn't communicate much, you can start by asking him about that.

 

[hylas]

i guess i may be somebody who is more quiet. but i dont think my silence is ever awkward for whoever im with. id like to believe im a good listener.

i only had a problem with that once. i was living with a roommate (we werent romantically or sexually involved). he kept talking and talking and talking, and always about himself, until i got tired of it. at the same time, he kept complaining that i dont talk enough, especially about myself. the more he complained, the more i felt like i wasnt allowed to be myself around him, and the less i felt like talking to him. it was a toxic relationship and a fucking nightmare.

what would happen if you didnt always try to strike up a conversation? would it be just quiet for a while? would that be so bad? you can do other stuff, too. you already mentioned one thing hes apparently good at that involves very little talking...

i dont really know what advice to give you, i just thought, maybe my perspective added something.

 

[HunterM]

what would happen if you didnt always try to strike up a conversation?

 

[Kyanimal]

My family has always been quiet, demur, and "proper". NEVER did we kids EVER hear our parents fighting (arguing, yes, but that's a different matter). Everything was communicated through Tone of voice, the precisely chosen words, and, of course, "The Look"! A "normal" 20min. conversation would only take us about 2min.

A college buddy of mine, from a Loud, unimpeded, "chatty" family, once spent a month, or so, with My family. (I wasn't there.) He later told me that as much as he Loved my parents and sisters, actually living with them nearly drove him right around the bend! The silence was deafening!

It's usually about the "style" in which we were raised. Sometimes, NOT saying something can mean more than blabbing for hours.

You, and your quiet friend, seem to be at odds on what is expected, from both of you, in General relationships. It's not something Personal. It's just the way both of you are.

If you really Like each other, and He can tolerate your constant yammering (which might be driving Him crazy), while You're getting all antsy over his not being a chatter box, there's still a chance you can both get along. Watch his expressions, his body language, what he DOES choose to say, and learn to "read" him while you're yapping his ears off!

It's all a matter of Learning from each other. Trust me, he's "talking" to you, just not by using his voice.

And, of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[72-Jay]

Your friend sounds pretty much like me -- quiet/sorta-shy/not-talkative (and might even seem kinda unfriendly)

Atleast for me, I don't try to be that way...its just how I am -- I'm not good with social interaction / am kinda shy / have nothing to talk about(from haveing lived a _very_ dull/boring life) /etc

I hate that I'm like that but its not something I can change...