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Depressed Friend

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hummer7979

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How do you deal with a depressed friend?

I'm torn between giving my best friend space (which I know is what he needs), and wanting to be there for him. My solution right now has been to just act as if nothing's wrong and continue to be the friend that I normally am, hoping that the stability of my friendship will help him get though it without him feeling like I'm "saving" him (his ego would make any "saving" backfire).

It's just so difficult because he's quiet, has a short temper, he doesn't ever talk about how he feels, and I think his depression is making him not trust that others care about him. Like for example, last week was his birthday and he was baffled that I got him a birthday present despite the fact that I had been psyched about going out to party with him for a while (he ended up staying home alone), and I had gotten him something the year before. He didn't seem very happy about it and I think he would have rather I just forgot. He always sulks about being a loner when I'm right next to him and I'm always there for him. It's like he needs it to part of his identity. That distrust almost seems like resentment sometimes, which is why I feel it's necessary to give him space, if not to at least maintain my own self-worth. I don't want to get dragged down, but it's really hard seeing him alone like that, especially since he means a lot to me.

It's just that I feel like I'm the only one who could potentially do anything, as he generally dislikes people, he's pretty insecure (projects it on others via judgement), and gets hurt really easily. We're both each other's closest friend, and neither of us really has other local friends. I have subtly encouraged him to pursue a relationship in case it was just loneliness, but he doesn't like women, despite being straight (it's complicated.. and he's not into guys, I've tried). It's like he's stuck in a rut. He says he's never going to marry and might join a seminary, but I think it's out of hopelessness rather than desire. And he's a pretty good looking guy who has several girls pining for him, so it's not that he couldn't find one. I know I'm not painting him in the best light but I have an endless list of why he is my best friend, so he's not someone I'm going to ditch. Anyway, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation, what you did and what happened.
 
You leave the door open. You say "It seems like you're in a major funk as of late. I don't want to do anything you don't want to, but if you ever want to talk about it, or anything at all, I'm here, OK?" That lets him know you're there, which may be more helpful than even he might realize.

Lex
 
I agree with G-LEX; the most important thing is for him to know that you're there.

Stick it out for as long as you can tolerate, even if it means you needing your own space to decompress from his negativity. Just keep remembering that it's HIM and not YOU.

I had a close friend who was depressed for years, and I bore the brunt of it all until he took the 'happy pill' and then took a complete positive turnaround - even after weening himself off of the anti-depressants - and he's like a new man now.

You're a great friend. Good luck!
 
Thanks guys. I think you're right. I haven't even told him that I could tell something was wrong, so maybe acknowledging it and letting him know I'm there is a good idea, even if he brushes it off.
 
hummer your a great friend to have. The other guys are right. I think being direct with him is the right thing. Tell him you've noticed that he's down /suffering and you're worried about him because he matters to you and you care about him, and you want to know how you can help. When guys get depressed and think no-one cares sometimes it's not enough to just say I'm here if you need me. Depression makes people detached and making just an invite to them is usually not enough to get them to respond.

The fact that he never talks about how he feels is significant. He will be a sea of unresolved emotions underneath. You could start by expressing things you feel when you see him so that he empathises and may open up. Also could you get him to go jogging or to the gym with you? Those endorphins have a great effect on mood! Good luck man.
 
Thanks trikky. I actually go hiking with him occasionally, and it's definitely good for a sour mood. I think you're right about seriously opening up myself as a way of getting him to feel more comfortable. I'm usually pretty casual and open around him (a lot more so than he is), so sometimes I think he's a bit intimidated by my seeming lack of vulnerability. I think it's time to be a bit more serious because I'm certainly not invulnerable. Staying generally cheerful and unaffected just happens to be my signature defense mechanism.

Anyway thanks again. I feel a lot better about the situation now.
 
I was gonna suggest something similar. If you're ever down, is he receptive to that? If you're an open person it's easy to talk about personal things, but most people still don't go on about what's truly bothering them in their life.

Is there anything you feel sad or guilty about that you could truly confide in him, and see if he takes a cue?
 
He definitely can tell when I'm down. And I usually brush it off when he asks.. I know, hypocrite. Though to be fair, at least in the past, it was because I kind of liked him (don't worry, I'm not delusional), so I never really felt comfortable talking about that. Most of my friends just happen to be straight guys though so I've learned the difference between friendship and more-than-friendship and he's definitely a close friend.

I've thought about finding something sad to tell him (I know this sounds really calculated; truth be told, I'm not the most emotional person). Though at this point, I'm trying to not think about it too much lest I end up with a script. I'd rather be sincere, and I'm pretty good at feeling out a situation, so we'll see. I'm going to hang out with him tonight, a bar and maybe some live music.
 
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