Depressed

[crossedwire]

This seems to be a last resort of sorts. I've been depressed for about a year now. I don't think I can find my way out of it. Nothing about my life seems worth holding onto anymore. The things I try to hold to, the people, just leave me. I'm alone. I've been alone for a long time. I can't shake the feeling of inadequacy. I know I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way. I just don't think I have the strength to come out of it. Everyone tells me that I need to focus on myself, love myself, blah blah blah. I've heard every cliche in the book. It's so hard love yourself when the ones I love always reject me and leave me.

 

[GamerBear]

When I was in my mid teen years I had no friends, the last friend I had at the time stole from me and so the only logical decision was to stop talking to him. I went through High School being a loner and so I tried to hang with people who accepted me in their group. I felt so out of touch with people, eventually towards the end of my Senior year I was depressed and felt like killing myself but for some unknown reason I didn't have the balls to attempt suicide.

After I graduated I still didn't have any friends, I was going through so many things I turned 20 years old, I had Internet friends but I needed physical communication. I went through years upon years of depression never told my parents I was depressed and wanted to die but I continued to keep it to myself and try to give myself self therapy during the hard times, crying mostly helped but I had to try to put myself together.

Eventually when I finally made friends two of them and it felt great but I knew once those friends had other friends they would disappear out of my life, currently right now my friend seems to be so busy with life that he forgets and I try my best to communicate with him try to find time to see when he might want to hang out but he is sort of having other plans with friends.

What is the point of this, me telling you my story. I've been where you are, I've had people leave out of my life. I've spent many nights in my room crying wishing someone would help me get out of this deep hole of depression. It's a tough thing to face when you are limited to so many things like transportation. All you can do is just hang in there or if you are able to get out of the house try to do something by yourself visit a store, get out even though you might be alone.

Getting out of the house is better then being stuck in it.

 

[cocksucker4use]

Why not tell your doctor or call a help line? How about an antidepressant? Try exercising, if only going outside and walking? If you work out and do something aerobic and get some endorphins going, it is hard to stay depressed. You will have more energy and as a bonus, look better and feel better about yourself. Others will sense this and be attracted to you. Seriously, just for today, please pick up the phone and ask for help. You are worth it.

 

[techie70]

Crossed - I'm going to say what you've heard others say. You're not the only one who's ever felt this way. And you know what - I know that probably doesn't mean much. It doesn't mean much because you're caught up in what described Steve Jobs so well, please forgive the reference, as a "Reality Distortion Field". You just aren't able to see beyond what you are going through. Been there myself and nothing anyone could say or do would really make me feel like they got what I was going through. And unfortunately language, written or spoken,still isn't able to let you know that we have been where you are. With all the technology that exists today, I wish a handshake or a hug could convey the experiences of others so you could truly understand that when they say they understand what you're feeling that they really do. It's not a good feeling. So when people say you're not alone, look beyond the words and know that what they are really trying to say is God have i been there. It sucked. I came out of it and I would do anything to help you come out of it sooner than I did.

I can't speak to the specifics of what you're going through without more details but trust that if I could I would give you a hug and show you how much I have learned that time and perspective change everything. I've been in places where I really couldn't talk to anyone in real life, long story about being gay in the military when dont ask dont tell was in effect, but found people on forums like this that really do care. I know its not always the same as having someone there in person, but if you read through the advice portions of this and other forums I think you'll see that it is a caring community.

So open up to us, see a counselor, talk to somebody. I'm gonna leave you with a quote from Stephen King of all people that has always helped me not feel so alone because it captures how hard it sometimes is to say what we all go through at times. And knowing that someone like Stephen King could put it to pen like this always made me feel more connected and less isolated. And just know there are many an understanding ear to listen when you need it here. Hope this helps in some way!

----

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear - Stephen King

 

[crossedwire]

I appreciate the responses thus far. I suppose I didn't give much detail as to the root of my depression. I used to think that it was because I broke up with someone I loved so immensely about a year ago. After that I had what one might call a "nervous breakdown," was hospitalized for a few days, and got into talk therapy. Now, however, after having met another guy I developed strong feelings for (and again having that person reject me), I feel that the problem wasn't the relationships but with myself. I've been an unhappy person for the better part of 15 years. I was told by this latest man that I needed to find love for myself before I could ever truly love another person. I don't really think that's entirely true, but I got what he was trying to say. My own self-doubt, self-loathing, whatever you want to call does come out often and it turns people who would otherwise be interested in me off. I know all the "cures" for depression: working out, reading, hobbies, friends, etc. I just feel that sometimes I have gotten so deep into my darkness that I don't even have the energy to do those things. It makes me angry because I used to do all of those things and enjoyed them thoroughly. I want to get back to it, but it's just so goddamn difficult. I workout and ask myself "What's the point?" I read and think "What's the point?" I try to be with friends (who all have their own lives) and say "What's the point?" What is the point of any of it if my darkness/depressive tendencies are going to eventually rear their ugly heads again one day?

 

[evanrick]

now that we know what you are feeling.....what are you not feeling?

 

[crossedwire]

now that we know what you are feeling.....what are you not feeling?

Joy, optimism. That feeling that tomorrow will be better than today because the todays are never any better than the yesterdays.

 

[chrisw87]

Crossed, I know how you feel. I've suffered depression from a very very young age, almost exactly how you describe.

I've refused SSRI's, other drugs, etc and tend to just push through life being as active as I can with work or exercise, never stopping for more than 30 minutes unless I have something to distract my brain.

Even though it is hard to do, there are 2 things I do that help me a little.

1. For anxiety type depression; Make a list about whats concerning you. Detailed explanations about why its bad or not so bad, usually ends up as the latter and it helps.

2. Self worth depression. Hardest to overcome, I usually just reinforce positive thoughts about myself in my mind, or I focus on perfecting new things so I can feel a sense of achievement. While I'll never fully be happy, it keeps my mind occupied enough.

If it starts to hinder your social life or your health you need to see a doctor. I went through the same feelings as yourself and unfortunately most of the time it is the personality that you have as a result of your depression that drives people away (or your mind will make it seem worse than it really is).

Please, strongly consider seeing the doctor, despite the side effects it may be useful to try a prescription of anti-depression drugs if offered. Some people find great results, others don't.

 

[rareboy]

See your doctor.

Recognize and accept that depression is as lilkely to be based in genetics and physiology as anything.

Accept that your neuro-chemistry may not be balanced.

Get something to help you sleep.

Engage in a regular regimen of exercise.

Get all the HFCS and added msg out of your diet.

Eat only food prepared from scratch.

Give up alcohol and recreational drugs.

There.

There is a prescription for recovery.