Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Self-Harm, Insomnia, and Suicidal Ideation...

[verybothered]

If you are concerned about your meds seek another opinion from a doctor who has some experience with depression and OCD. Don't stop taking your meds! I did that (once) and went into a seriously manic mode. Not a pretty picture. As far as counseling goes keep going. It takes time to make the connection between you and your counselor. You get out of it what you put into it. Give it a chance to work for you. If you feel you cannot connect with your counselor go to a different counselor. Find someone who understands what you are going through. Don't give up. Peace and happiness are attainable. It just takes time and effort. Like my daddy used to tell me: pray for rain but keep on hoeing!

 

[BrainDamage]

The suicide ideation is uncontrollable, and many days i desperately want to give in to it...

What drives you to this state?

 

[JoeyJoeJoeShabadu]

......... Plus The "Gay" factor. It's a total Fucking Curse.......

Step One would be to change your view of your sexual orientation; it is hard to be optimismtic (or, at least, not negative) about life if you feel you are "cursed". You have mentioned doctors, counsellors and family...do you have any friends who are supportive of you and your sexual orientation?

 

[JoeyJoeJoeShabadu]

Well they way things are where I live (I'm aware it's better than the deep south or middle east) you are cursed if you are gay. Your hated by people you don't know, your "friends" make gay jokes and claim its okay because they're your friends, ........

They are not your friends, and their behaviour sounds counter-productive to your health.

........ and its impossible to find anybody who would find me attractive (all the mental health problems).......

People who have just met you do not identify you as having a mental health issue. You sound down, but you don't sound like Hannibal Lecter or Jeffrey Dahmer - those are issues that warrant isolation.

..... and its impossible to find anybody who would find me attractive ........ plus the whole 6'4'' and 265 lbs bit. ...

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=33

Doctors and Counsellors are forced by their profession to be apathetic towards homosexuality, .......

Well, doctors cannot substitute friends or a social network. If you feel you can't relate to or trust your doctor, then search for a new one - you are entitled to do that. And there are many excellent gay doctors in Toronto (if you can get into the city).

........., and I have no contact with my family (due to them being abusive when I was a kid) and my "family" is a bunch of Gay-Hatters anyways. .......

Good for you; it takes a lot to detach yourself from an abusive family. Many people never get to that point, and stay connected to the people who they were supposed to trust (but were instead abused by) their entire adult life.

......Bi. Overall, my experiences in the closet and out have shown me that its a curse to be gay. I honesty wish I could say I like being gay, I hate it and I hate myself enough anyways. Just more fuel to the flames...

Your problems didn't develop in a month or two; they took time to damage and affect you, as will your recovery. You are definitely in a better place than you were when you lived with your parents, so that is improvement.

 

[BrainDamage]

Well...

First two things need to be made known. I am on the side of Nurture in Nurture v.s. Nature, and I'm a Self Hatting Material-Connectionist when is comes to Existentialism.

What "Drives" me is the key question at hand.

I have a couple theories on the issue.

1. Is the driving force Biological or Philosophical? In broader terms is my misery caused by a chemical imbalance in by Brain, plus the fact I was abused by the people who are suppose to "love" you. Has this resulted in me coming to the conclusion that Life's A Bitch and need not to be lived? Plus The "Gay" factor. It's a total Fucking Curse.

Or Has it been the philosophical fact: that Nothing is wrong in my Brian, I've simply come to a conclusion caused by years of suffering and that the logical thing to do is escape the pain. Maybe all the people who are suicidal or have committed suicide are the enlightened ones? Maybe Rationalization (what ever that is) has dictated that in Life you need not extend your pain but transcend it through death?

Know as I have been asked by the many "professionals" in the Health Field "If things are as bad as you say they are then why haven't you killed yourself?"

Well... Tricky question to answer. 1. As I Previously stated I'm a self hatting Material-Connectionist, so I do believe that there is SOME good out there no matter how little it is. and second reason why is I do not CONCLUSIVELY know wether life after death actually exists. If it does, I would have killed myself alonnggggggggg time ago. Now if it doesn't, then two issues arise. 1. I have to convert to Meaningless Nihilism, and second I have to choose: Do I fight the misery and try to enjoy something or Do I realize that death is something I cannot escape and I should no longer live with the pain.

I'm sorry Braindamage, but it seems that I might not have answered your question...
I will try in 20 words or less. What Drives Me There: The Fact My Life Has Been A Constant Struggle and I See No End To The Pain Other Than Death.

Yes...Pain. Hamlet himself struggled with this problem, whether to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to end it all; to bear those ills or to fly to others we know not of. Suicidal people often rationalize this by telling themselves that the pain is worse than anything that death can probably offer, be it eternal hell or eternal nothingness. In other words, life already seems like hell on Earth.

The reason psychiatrists ask you that question is to get you to realize that there are pleasures in life, no matter how minute. His/her hope is to expand that pleasure to reduce that pain. The mind is a powerful thing. Perception governs everything while reality has little influence. To say that there's no other way around the pain is not true. The answer is ignorance, though it's usually not referred to as that, and people generally are very capable of it. Cover your eyes with your hands and the world will disappear.

........ and its impossible to find anybody who would find me attractive (all the mental health problems).......

People who have just met you do not identify you as having a mental health issue. You sound down, but you don't sound like Hannibal Lecter or Jeffrey Dahmer - those are issues that warrant isolation.

Precisely. Like most people in your situation, I'm sure you hide your problems very well.

Doctors and Counsellors are forced by their profession to be apathetic towards homosexuality, .......

Well, doctors cannot substitute friends or a social network. If you feel you can't relate to or trust your doctor, then search for a new one - you are entitled to do that. And there are many excellent gay doctors in Toronto (if you can get into the city).

People will help you as long as they get enough rewards in return. For professionals, this usually means money. For friends, family, and strangers online, they'll help you until you are no longer responsive to their help and they begin to feel useless. You become a burden because they no longer get feelings of fulfillment for helping you improve your life.

I'm sorry. My original question was a selfish one and I did not get the answer I was looking for. I cannot offer you anything useful.

 

[dunno260]

Have you changed therapists? If its not working and you have given it a good and honest shot, then try a new therapist. Therapists are human and have different approaches. For me, I had to change from a therapist (first therapist had been pretty useless) that had been helping me to a different one because as I got better and the help I needed benefited greatly from a different approach (in my case to a New Jersey woman who was willing to more or less kick me in the ass).

I had all the conditions you listed minus any self harm at one point. All I can say is that things do get better with time, though it isn't a fun process to go through, though its probably been the most valuable experience of my life.

The other thing is to do as much as possible to try to have fun and be around other people. I head a discussion by a psychologist about depression and he described depression as being like you have on a pair of shit goggles that make everything look and seem like shit. While the activities you enjoyed in the past aren't going to give you as much pleasure right now in your current state, they do provide pleasure and much more so than you would predict they would.

Also manage what you can control. I won't tell you to ignore the stuff you can't, because thats hard enough for a lot of people, let alone someone who is depressed. But if you aren't happy with the way you look, take up jogging or go to the gym, etc.

 

[maxpowr9]

I don't like to give alot of "clinical" advice but having been in and out of therapy for years, I can shed some light on some things.

First and foremost, if you are not comfortable talking with your therapist, get a new one ASAP. You are paying them to help you. If they are not doing their job, then "fire" them and look for another one. Don't feel bad about it either.

Second. One thing you have to come to terms with is that no matter how much we bitch about shit (family, friends, personality, life, work etc.) there are some things we can change and some things we cannot. Your family and your sexuality you can't. If you are really having trouble with your sexuality, find a doctor that is LGBT friendly or deals with "sexual" issues. They are definately out there.

About therapy. The reason many people hate therapists (and often think they're apathetic) is that they expect it to be like "this person will tell me what to do and they will make me better." That is wrong. It really is like "draw your own conclusion". They will give you all these options on how to deal with your problems and you pick what you think is the best choice. The won't tell you if picked the "right" one either.

By passing all the philosophical stuff, I will conclude that; pain is inevitable. It is HOW we deal with that pain that makes us. It took me about 3 years to learn to deal with it. Instead of sitting around going "Woe is me. I'm depressed", do something constructive. I don't care if its watching TV, reading w/e. Just don't sit there and lock yourself in your room depressed.

 

[bander6610]

I took lexapro for about a month, darkest time of my life, freaked me out from all meds. Just getting the courage up to try meds again.