Desperate For Help. My Bf And I...

[innocentbychoice]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and we haven't had any big issues yet, I think. There's a lot of good things about him:

He loves me as nobody would. He's so into me, he says I'm everything for him, he's honest, he's hardworking, he's so smart and is so sensitive (which it's not always a good thing). He's got a nice job and has big plans for the future. He's 25, I'm 18 and...I don't what has happened lately but I don't feel good about the relationship. I DON'T KNOW WHY. There's like a million things I can say bothers me about him: He's too jealous, he doesn't like one of my closest friends cuz basically he says that I behave different with him,which isn't true. It's just that I have a lot of things in common with my friend cuz duh he's my friend and my bf and I don't have that much in common.

My bf calls me like 30(?) times a day and he tells me he loves me NON STOP. It gets annoying at some points. And when I'm rude to him he gets all sad (he's so sensitive) and tells me I'm being weird and why I act like that blah blah and I'm like "there's nothing wrong" but in the inside I'm kinda annoyed by him but I don't tell him anything cuz I don't wanna hurt him. Plus, every bf in his past have cheated on him so he says there's a lot of failure and sadness and loneliness in his life (cuz I forgot to mention he doesn't feel support from his family and his one true friend is always thinking about himself) so I'm like "crap"...I feel like I can't hurt him and I can't tell him how I feel cuz I don't wanna hurt him and cuz BASICALLY NOT EVEN I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION, I got no clue, I got nothing to tell him, and he being so dramatic and sensitive makes it even worst cuz the thought of hurtng hm by telling him what i think doesn't let me do it so I keep everything to myself and end up being more annoyed.

PLUS, he has told me he decided I was gonna be his last try cuz he's had enough of trying and failing. And I'm like "Jeez, don't see it as a failure, everyone (gay and straight) try with a lot of partners before they find the right one". ANd he's needs a lot of love; tha's why he basically feels alone and like crap when he's single.

I tend to put myself in his shoes and I feel bad. And I know i'm gonna feel guilty knowing that he's gonna feel bad and lonely because of me.

WHAT'S WRONG? IS IT ME? HIM? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

 

[Theyoungman]

Hes has trauma that he won't let go of.

Its not you in this situation, its him. He needs to let go of his past. I have the same problems with trauma and its ruining me. Thats probably whats happening to him. He is young, yet you are younger... I won't tell you to leave him, but I warn you that it might not end for the best. You are too young to be in these situations.

Just my oppinion.

Take note that I have never been in these situations with a guy before because I never hada boyfriend before. I'm 18 as well and crave a relationship, but I'm in no position for a good relationship because of my problems dealing with truama.

 

[RicanDAB]

I guess I would be the voice of experience here, in my late 30s, having had several relationships already AND been in situations like yours on BOTH sides! UGH ... shame isn't it?

You're 18 .. you have your whole life ahead of you - so don't feel compelled to think that this guy is "the one" as I am sure you have not dated too many guys to even know that yet (hell, even I don't know that yet). If you feel uncomfortable about the relationship right now, do sit down and talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. Perhaps letting him know that you want to take things slower. Sounds like this may in fact bother him, but if he is a guy worth keeping as a boyfriend he should have an open ear to what you have to say and understand.

He's 25 .. and in fact should know better. He's clearly being a bit possessive and clingy - and I agree this may have to do with his past bad experiences. I was like that once and with time changed to be a more independent guy. He has his own issues and he has to work on that. He is also young and should not feel compelled to settle down so seriously.

The focus on this relationship seems to be planning ahead and not enjoying the time you have together now ... if you try to focus on the present and have fun with that first, the future if there is any meant to be will naturally follow.

In sum, you need to talk to him about how you feel (key word, communication) and if he is not understanding and becomes a worse cling-on -- I'm serious: RUN and let it go ... you'll save yourself a lot of heartache. Plenty other guys out there who could make you happier.

 

[JayHew]

He is laying the trap for you to be co-dependent and an enabler. His past is not of your concern and you are most certainly not the one repsonsible for his complete happiness. The calling, the talk of how no one is there for him, how he has done this and that, yet the world has pissed all over him, HE'S VICTIM HERE and does nothing to change it. Not your responsibility. He is 25, he needs to pull his head out of his butt and grow the hell up. He has some basic essential behaviors that unless he changes those, he will never have a worthwhile relationship with anybody, unless it is totally co-dependent and full of drama, as it seems somehow he believes that is the correct way to have a relationship.

Over all, get out of the relationship and don't turn back. Have enough self-respect and self esteem to realize this is a con game. It comes across as it is always about him, not you as an individual or you both as a couple. He is living with unrealistic attitudes of what and how a relationship is supposed to be or conducted. He has accepted some pretty messed up ideas of what and how things are supposed to be and without any of that changing (his attitude, thought process, changind his thinking, etc) nothing you do will change a thing. GET OUT.

NO relationship is based upon only one part of the equation. It takes two working at things, communicating always and choosing to change it that which is felt to be needed. Anything else is mental and emotional masturbation.

 

[blatinoking]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and we haven't had any big issues yet, I think. There's a lot of good things about him:

He loves me as nobody would. He's so into me, he says I'm everything for him, he's honest, he's hardworking, he's so smart and is so sensitive (which it's not always a good thing). He's got a nice job and has big plans for the future. He's 25, I'm 18 and...I don't what has happened lately but I don't feel good about the relationship. I DON'T KNOW WHY. There's like a million things I can say bothers me about him: He's too jealous, he doesn't like one of my closest friends cuz basically he says that I behave different with him,which isn't true. It's just that I have a lot of things in common with my friend cuz duh he's my friend and my bf and I don't have that much in common.

My bf calls me like 30(?) times a day and he tells me he loves me NON STOP. It gets annoying at some points. And when I'm rude to him he gets all sad (he's so sensitive) and tells me I'm being weird and why I act like that blah blah and I'm like "there's nothing wrong" but in the inside I'm kinda annoyed by him but I don't tell him anything cuz I don't wanna hurt him. Plus, every bf in his past have cheated on him so he says there's a lot of failure and sadness and loneliness in his life (cuz I forgot to mention he doesn't feel support from his family and his one true friend is always thinking about himself) so I'm like "crap"...I feel like I can't hurt him and I can't tell him how I feel cuz I don't wanna hurt him and cuz BASICALLY NOT EVEN I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION, I got no clue, I got nothing to tell him, and he being so dramatic and sensitive makes it even worst cuz the thought of hurtng hm by telling him what i think doesn't let me do it so I keep everything to myself and end up being more annoyed.

PLUS, he has told me he decided I was gonna be his last try cuz he's had enough of trying and failing. And I'm like "Jeez, don't see it as a failure, everyone (gay and str8) try with a lot of partners before they find the right one". ANd he's needs a lot of love; tha's why he basically feels alone and like crap when he's single.

I tend to put myself in his shoes and I feel bad. And I know i'm gonna feel guilty knowing that he's gonna feel bad and lonely because of me.

WHAT'S WRONG? IS IT ME? HIM? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I'm going through the same situation right now....except I'm 23 and he's 34. It's like my man and your man should get together because they sound like they are in the same boat.....

 

[josefjosef]

There will come a time when you will say "Why did I put myself through this." No one, no one, no one should be calling any one 30 times a day - my god when does he have time to accomplish anything.

 

[kurtwild]

i think your boyfriends needs to be loved.its not your fault but i wouldnt say its exactly his fault either.
i can get it that you are pissed off and stuff but i think he feels worse.

its a very bad feeling if you are always stressed that the one you love doesnt want you.
your bf is scared.
maybe you dont fit together,i dont know.
normaly a bf should also be your friend.is he ?
try to talk with him,really calm and stuff not about breaking up just about the fact he is so unsure about himself and about his behaviour.

 

[kurtwild]

His boyfriend needs a Zoloft and a puppy, if you ask me.

I stand by my post 110%

i agrre that you need to get out of that if nothing is gonna change and if you are noy in love with your boyfriend any more.
but i think your boyfriend needs help too.i mean its not like he is acting like that cos he is bad,maybe he should visit a psychologist.
but you dont have to waist your life with him if you dont love him anymore.

 

[innocentbychoice]

I guess I would be the voice of experience here, in my late 30s, having had several relationships already AND been in situations like yours on BOTH sides! UGH ... shame isn't it?

You're 18 .. you have your whole life ahead of you - so don't feel compelled to think that this guy is "the one" as I am sure you have not dated too many guys to even know that yet (hell, even I don't know that yet). If you feel uncomfortable about the relationship right now, do sit down and talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. Perhaps letting him know that you want to take things slower. Sounds like this may in fact bother him, but if he is a guy worth keeping as a boyfriend he should have an open ear to what you have to say and understand.

He's 25 .. and in fact should know better. He's clearly being a bit possessive and clingy - and I agree this may have to do with his past bad experiences. I was like that once and with time changed to be a more independent guy. He has his own issues and he has to work on that. He is also young and should not feel compelled to settle down so seriously.

The focus on this relationship seems to be planning ahead and not enjoying the time you have together now ... if you try to focus on the present and have fun with that first, the future if there is any meant to be will naturally follow.

In sum, you need to talk to him about how you feel (key word, communication) and if he is not understanding and becomes a worse cling-on -- I'm serious: RUN and let it go ... you'll save yourself a lot of heartache. Plenty other guys out there who could make you happier.

Omg I think u understand the situation completely. I've always thought we should enjoy our time together and see what happens but he's always thinking about the future, MOVING TOGETHER, HAVING CHILDREN (yes having children). It seems nice sometimes but creepy other times cuz I'm only 18!! And even though I know I will want that at some point in my life, I don't wanna think about it right now. I wanna enjoy I'm young and wanna have fun. I think the fact that he keeps saying I'm the one, that he's chosen me to be with him for the rest of his life scares me a bit cuz I haven't lived much and worst, HE'S JUST MY FIRST BOYFRIEND. So I just wanna live the moment and not think about the future and he hates that.

And I'm pretty sure if he knew I'm getting advice from a message board, he would say I'm crazy or something and he would be like " getting advice on the web? putting our relationship in the hands of a computer or someone from the outside who doesn't even know a thing about us? Real good man"

And yeah you're right he's very dependant and needy and I'm more of a free soul, I like hanging out with my friends sometimes but I basically can't do it cuz he has no friends and I woulde feel bad knowing I'm partying and he's lonely at home. Plus when we're both with my friends he gets angry if he feels like I don't pay that much attention to him cuz I'm with my friends. EVEN WORST?: Not many people realize that, they all think he's cute and caring an loving, and he is but he also gets all intense and everything I've said before.

I don't want to get all old and wise here on you, but I think I have to.

He has some serious issues that he needs to resolve. He is emotionally blackmailing you into being responsible for his happiness, which you simply cannot be expected to be. Everything you hve said means that he has set the entire responsibility of the success or fialure of this relationship, the success or failure of his future, and his emotional state on you. This is absolutely unacceptable, and it's something that no one could possibly uphold. Frankly, you probably don't have the experience at 18 to see this, but he should at 25, and I damn well do at 30.

Also, and I don't want to start an argument here, you and he are at wildly different points in your life, and the quesitons and problems you are having are perfectly common and normal at your age. He should be mature enough at his age to see that, and he's not. You shouldn't be waiting for him to grow up. I have serious doubts about the compatibility of 18/25 under ideal circumstances, but these are far from ideal.

He is far too insecure to approcah this topic with you, so it's not something you're gonna solve. It's not your problem to solve anyway.

You've got to get out of this. He's not going to make it easy, and if you think he's manipulated you emotionally now, wait'll you try to leave him. He'll really hit you with both barrels then, and you have got to stand your ground and break up. I wouldn't put it past him to make you feel absolutely awful, like you actually are killing him, but again, it's NOT your responsibility.

Break up, take some time, and date someone who is on your level, and not all fucked up like he is.

I think you also have great points. I do feel manipulated sometimes emotionally. It's like I can't do this or that cuz I'm hurting him or he cries (yeah he's damn sensitive, I think he's gonna dry himself one of these days). Anyways, I don't feel like breaking up with him YET but I'm gonna tell him a lot of the things you've said here cuz you've gave the arguments I was looking for so THANK YOU GUYS!! (about not being responsible for his happinness, enjoying the present and so on) I'm gonna tell him al those things cuz I feel like I've let him be that way and I shouldn't have so I'm gonna think about myself and make myself clear.

OH OH ! And another thing that happened yesterday. I got home at 12.40 and called him. he then returned my call right away. We ended up talking 'til 3 am!! My mom (who knows everything excepts what i've told you here, i don't want her to worry) told me that our relationhip was becoming and obsession and that we were being so possesive and she had no clue I was like that. And I'm thinkin "well he's possesive! it's just that I'm an unexperienced 18 year old who doesn't think about himself cuzI want to make him happy, so we're playing by his rules" I told her I wasn't like that and she told me I was letting the relationship become that and that sooner or later one of us was gonna get tired of it. And I was like "i'm kinda tired already" so she told me to talk to him about it and I did. He felt bad but understood he was the one obsessed. Now I'm gonna see him this afternoon after 3 days without seen each other (he was in his hometown) and I'm gonna tell him what you said here. THANK U.

 

[innocentbychoice]

oh and --O2-- you're damn right when you say he makes me responsible of his emotional state. He has literally said to me: "You can control me as you want, if you want to make me happy yo take me to heaven and if you want to make me sad i can be in hell". ANd that obviously makes me feel bad cuz it's like i can hurt him real bad and i don't want that to happen. And he doesn't even do it on purpose, he just says he can't control it.

ANd someone said to take him to a psychologist, WELL I'VE TRIED but he doesn't want to. he feels sad every time i ask him to go, he says I SHOULD BE THE ONE HELPING HIM cuz no one else can. And that other bfs in his past haven't been very supportive either about his jealousy and possesion issues.

 

[Eagle653]

Yes, O2 has many good points. He might be emotionally blackmailing you, or he may be so insecure that he needs constant reassurance that you and he are "OK" and that he's loved so that he doesn't get dumped (again).

He seems to have been through a lot of boyfriends for being only 25. It'd be interesting to know how all those relationships ended--how often was he dumped vs. him doing the dumping? If he was as much of a neurotic please-love-me basketcase with them as he is with you, I imagine it was often.

Counseling for him is, of course, the only answer. If you wanted to be a little shrewd in a kind of way, you could tell him that he needs to get counseling and "you'd go if you really loved me." He needs to understand the irony of pushing guys away by smothering them with "love." Until he gets that, he's bound to repeat the mistake over and over and over again for life.

And, I don't buy, for a minute, that line about you being the last--after you, he gives up. He can't give up. He's as addicted to relationships as he is smothering guys with love.

Lastly, I thought it so curious that his "one true friend" is someone "who only cares about himself." People who only care about themselves are so self-absorbed that they can tune everyone else out. Thus, that "friendship" would have lasted; everyone else was perhaps worn down by him, emotionally.

Good luck. He's very likely a nice, kind, loving and generous man in there. He just needs to understand how he's unwittingly driving away good people from him. It's sad if he doesn't get help.

 

[innocentbychoice]

-There's probably a reason he has no friends. Think about it. I suspect it's because of the problems you're facing. This is who he is, so these problems cut across all lines of his life, not just boyfriends.

-Careful, you are not in 100% control here, but you are in 50% control. That's the danger with what he's doing to you, because you cannot be held responsible for what you cannot control, but you also cannot surrender to his will all the time, because then you are making the same mistake he is. I completely understand what you are doing and why, but believe me, you will learn that you don't want to. Take responsibilty for yourself, your desires, your fears. Do the best you can with it, and even if you make a mistake, you are far better off than letting him be the boss or vice versa.


-Early post-adolescence is a very difficult time for most people, especially for young gay men. It's a very tricky point in your life emotionally and sexually. Many of us have very serious problems at this time which are compounded by being closeted, or worse, out and rejected by those close to us. You sound like you are not suffering any of that, and that you are doing quite well. You have a good head on your shoulders, and from the sound of it, caring and supportive parents.

You and this guy of yours though, despite both of your best intentions, are in trouble. This isn't anyone's fault, and as I say, I don't think either of you are bad guys. But this isn't going anywhere. He isn't ready for a relationship, no matter how desperately he wants it, and you can't provide what he wants and you shouldn't try. He is damaged goods, and I don't say that as a condemnation of him, but as a warning to you. He needs help that frankly you can't provide. Can you support him, and facilitate him helping himself? Sure, but not as his boyfriend.

You have got to get out of this relationship, mate. Before it winds up really fucking you over. He is in a position to victimize you emotionally, and the only way to prevent it is to get out. I hate when I have to tell people to break up, but it's the only way in this case. It's the only way to protect yourself, and the only way you can position yourself to help him if you want to.

First of all I want to THANK all of you specially --O2--, seriously. I've been coming to this site for some time but I never thought it would actually be useful to me and it was. I talked to my bf and he understood everything. I told him I don't want him to put that much pressure in me, I don't want him to make me responsible for how he feels and I don't wanna think i'm the last person for him. I told him we're both young and we should be enjoying our relationship instead of worrying on planning a future that should come by itself and he told me I was right. I also told him he shouldn't be putting that much importance on his past and his so called failures cuz those happen to everybody and he shouldn't let those past experiences dictate how he handles his life now. I told him we needed to give each other some space and to trust on each other cuz (as my mom told me) relationships are built on trust not on being all over the other person to make sure he/she is not cheating or something. We were looking for a relationship as normal as possible (not having to hide, he knowing my parents) but we took it too far and I said it. He understood everything and told me I was right. Then he said that he was a little worried that now the relationship was gonna turn all cold and "normal" and I said we had to look for some balance. that was basically it! I felt relieved and happy afterwards SPECIALLY CUZ WE BOTH MADE CLEAR that I wasn't his life and that he wasn't gonna die if I dumped him and that he shouldn't be saying those things to me cuz that scares me away. He said he told me that to assure me I didn't have to worry, that he was gonna be loyal to me and I was like "well it had the opposite effect, it was scary", and he realized it.

I feel good right now. After a long time I feel like I have a "normal" relationship again and that I don't have the pressure of hurting him or being stuck with him forever. We'll see how things go, I'll keep you informed.

Oh and yeah --O2--, at 18 I have a lot of things I'm proud of. My parents and my little brother now about my sexuality and accept it a 100%, I ACCEPT MYSELF 200% and I'm proud of being gay, so I don't have to live a lie.

 

[innocentbychoice]

I forgot: i don't think he's a bad person. I think he's a real loving, caring and sweet guy with some issues as somebody said.

And he knows a lot of people but doesn't have that man friends cuz he doesn't let anybody in, that's why. Not so many people know that he has those issues (hell not even I knew he was like that when we were friends), just his boyfriends I guess.

 

[gotdimples77]

His boyfriend needs a Zoloft and a puppy, if you ask me.

ROFL

 

[waynemm]

I agree with O2 that this is a great post, and it's good to see that things to going forward in a good direction!!

But as O2 has said, there are still some warning signs flickering. It's good that you guys have talked things through and come to an understanding. But I'm just concerned that only the symptoms op his deeper emotional problems have been addressed, but the cause still remains.

Counseling, and not necessarily in the traditional sense, will be needed to overcome the thought patterns that his mind is set in. If he's not keen on going to see someone, reading a good book might be worth a try. I'd highly recommend Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" available In book form or or AudioBook at Amazon. The book totally transformed my life, and definately helped me accept myself for who I really am.

It requires some hard work, sometimes even more than once, but it's definately one of the best books I've spent money on!