Did my porn addiction turn me gay? please i need some help!

[nick9992]

Hello guys! i am 25 year old struggling with gay urges, thoughts, fantasies...

I am happily in a relationship with my girl for 2 years now, and i love her really much sex is amazing! its confusing for me cause i didn't have a single gay thought for 2 years... and now the cravings are getting stronger, its really confusing cause those urges and cravings to have fantasies and watch gay porn trigger when i see a really hot girl, like I would be walking down the street and see a girl in a mini skirt and heels, and I would think to myself, "Wow! She's hot", and immediately triggers the thoughts of penis, muscles, having gay sex.. it's like women trigger my gay urges... it's not always but it happens really often now.. even straight porn triggers it.. if I think the porn is really REALLY hot I start to fantasize I am the women and doing all those sexy things with a guy.. at first I am like, "Ew, no I want women!" and as time slowly passes the thought of men start to feel really good!... and it ends in me orgasming and thinking to myself, "I need to stop I have a gf".

I don't need these fantasies I have great sex with my woman.. this is what bothers me... and I think I am not actually gay.. I just reprogrammed myself...

'Cause for a really long time I had a fetish of being turned gay. I mean since I was 14 I liked boys calling me gay and slapping my ass grabbing me tight and not letting me go... it turned me on secretly, but I always acted angry but I only had crushes on women and masterbated to women 95% of the time.. The thing is everytime I orgasmed I was straight 100%.. so everytime I was in a gay mode I would edge... and edge... to gay porn I mean even sometimes I would edge for 5 hours, I had nothing to do.. and when I was horny I would just watch... and fantasize and edge.... until I bursted from pleasure.... I was always bullied and even my friends and family called me gay always... just the way I walk and talk... I had no father... and the thought of big masculine man bending me over and taking away my masculinity really turned me on...

In the real world I would have only crushed on girls I would not find men attractive I think it all started with me being always rejected by girls, no female friends, made fun off... but as my addiction grew so did it evolve into phone sex, cam sex, posting nude pictures and videos of me on gay sites, I would love to crossdress.. like when I posted a video of myself using a Dildo on myself and see all these men having arousing thoughts and finding me really hot, it just feed my addiction and I did it more..started looking to find online a man to have my first sexual experiance, the thing is every time I was online about 10 men would message me asking me if I want sex.. and I was only online for few minutes and that would turn me on really much... but everytime we set up a meeting I chicken out....that would be going on for years, until I finally was really horny and was in chastity so I could not orgasm before the meeting.. Well yeah I gave a guy blowjob in the car and he penetreted me.. but I begged him not to touch my penis that was the rule... cause I knew if I came while having sex with him I would want to run and I would find him ugly etc... while I was giving him blowjob, my mind was going crazy... like this is the best thing in the world I want this forever... etc.. same as sex.. when he was done.. I just went home and soon as I got home I didn't even orgasm. but I guess realization hit me I was like wtf have I done... I let a guy use me like a whore and I liked it... and after that I started to have rarely gay cravings and then I meet my love and it stopped for 2 years.... but now the urges, cravings, fantasies are back... and I can't control them... the thing is I would not mind the fantasies and cravings..

But the thing I did few weeks ago I just can't forgive myself... I was really horny and I guess I wanted to check my gay profile on what's new... and soon as opened people where messaging me, at first I was like "Ewww, I am just checking something I dont want to flirt with guys that would be cheating to my gf" but then a really hot guy messaged me and I was like "Maybe I should just chat with him" and we chatted it turned sexual I told him how badly I want him he told me how badly he wants me.. and in my mind "Maybe it would be not so bad to cheat just 1 time with this guy he is just sooo hot I need him badly!". That's what even he said that she does not need to find out.. and when he set up a meeting I could not contain myself and orgasmed before I left my house... and quickly exited and deleted my profile and was really ashamed... I could not believe I was going to cheat on my gf.. I was lucky cause if I didn't orgasm and if he was across the street I would had sex with him 100%...

That is my problem I would need some advice please..

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

You are right to be concerned but your concern is on the wrong issue. The issue is not that you're gay. The issue is that you have a porn addiction.

What you should be worried about is that you're doing increasingly risky things to feed that addiction. This would be no different, even if the object of your impulsive behavior was women- it's not the fact that you are acting out with men, it's that you're acting out and you have no control over your impulsive behaviors.

We can offer you advice but those things would be just temporary solutions to a problem that you need professional help to deal with. Your best bet is to find a therapist who works with addiction issues. You need someone to talk with and you need someone who can help you break this cycle of risk-taking and impulsive behavior.

 

[nick9992]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

You are right to be concerned but your concern is on the wrong issue. The issue is not that you're gay. The issue is that you have a porn addiction.

What you should be worried about is that you're doing increasingly risky things to feed that addiction. This would be no different, even if the object of your impulsive behavior was women- it's not the fact that you are acting out with men, it's that you're acting out and you have no control over your impulsive behaviors.

We can offer you advice but those things would be just temporary solutions to a problem that you need professional help to deal with. Your best bet is to find a therapist who works with addiction issues. You need someone to talk with and you need someone who can help you break this cycle of risk-taking and impulsive behavior.

thank you for your kind reply... i have talked about this with my friend privetly few years ago he is gay and he studied psychology in school and he told me that i should not think about it much i am just alot more hornier than a normal person bla bla bla....
the thing is for 2 years i didn't have urges and now it came back... why????
how can you help me? i dont know if i can ever stop. its been happening to me since i was 14...

 

[KaraBulut]

thank you for your kind reply... i have talked about this with my friend privetly few years ago he is gay and he studied psychology in school and he told me that i should not think about it much i am just alot more hornier than a normal person bla bla bla....
the thing is for 2 years i didn't have urges and now it came back... why????
how can you help me? i dont know if i can ever stop. its been happening to me since i was 14...

The last sentence tells you why you need to see someone who can help you.

There are a lot of people with porn addictions. There are lots of guys who have relationships with women who fool around with guys. What make your case different is that you're increasingly unable to control your behaviors. That's not just an addiction - it's a compulsive behavior that you are losing the ability to stop. A professional who works with addiction can help you break that cycle between impulsive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

 

[SeaCore]

To answer your question directly, no your porn addiction did not turn you gay.
You've got some degree of attraction to men and it's complicated for a number of reasons. You do seem to have some hang-ups about that attraction and you probably need to deal with them; with a professional if at all possible. What would be so wrong if you were gay? Would it say something about your character? About your respectability? About your interests? About what you can want from a relationship?

I think I can vaguely answer one of your questions, or at least give some directions. Why did these feelings resurface after 2 years of not having them?
Sexuality is fluid, bisexual people have a lot of experience with this concept. It's not at all uncommon for bisexual people to experience shifts in how strongly attracted they are to certain genders. There's no one reason for why this happens, but it's possible that you're experiencing something like that and your attraction is leaning more towards guys at the moment.
I'll be honest though, I don't think that's what's happening here. From my experience and other experiences I've heard it's not this consuming. There may be some strong urges but it's not this intense or specific.

Another possible reason is that you have a need that hasn't been addressed and these intense emotions are trying to get you to fulfill that need. And I'm not trying to claim you need to have sex with a guy or cheat on your girlfriend but it seems like there is something going on that needs attention. You've said some things here and there that sound like viable things you could explore without having to betray your girlfriend. Like you mentioned cross-dressing and you heavily focused on being dominated. Maybe you need to explore your gender expression some more? Maybe you need feel out of control in a way your everyday life isn't giving you the opportunity to.

You haven't talked at all about what your girlfriend is like. Do you think she'd have a problem with you talking about these things? Would it be a problem if you cross dressed or asked her to be a little domineering? Would she just not be into it or would she actively view you poorly for even asking?
I don't think you should dump all of this onto her because it's a lot to process but I think it's also a big problem if you can't talk about any of it. Wouldn't you want her to talk to you if she was experiencing these types of emotions?

Stop beating yourself up for being confused and needing help.

 

[TX-Beau]

When you repress your sexuality it will manifest in unhealthy ways.

 

[nick9992]

To answer your question directly, no your porn addiction did not turn you gay.
You've got some degree of attraction to men and it's complicated for a number of reasons. You do seem to have some hang-ups about that attraction and you probably need to deal with them; with a professional if at all possible. What would be so wrong if you were gay? Would it say something about your character? About your respectability? About your interests? About what you can want from a relationship?

I think I can vaguely answer one of your questions, or at least give some directions. Why did these feelings resurface after 2 years of not having them?
Sexuality is fluid, bisexual people have a lot of experience with this concept. It's not at all uncommon for bisexual people to experience shifts in how strongly attracted they are to certain genders. There's no one reason for why this happens, but it's possible that you're experiencing something like that and your attraction is leaning more towards guys at the moment.
I'll be honest though, I don't think that's what's happening here. From my experience and other experiences I've heard it's not this consuming. There may be some strong urges but it's not this intense or specific.

Another possible reason is that you have a need that hasn't been addressed and these intense emotions are trying to get you to fulfill that need. And I'm not trying to claim you need to have sex with a guy or cheat on your girlfriend but it seems like there is something going on that needs attention. You've said some things here and there that sound like viable things you could explore without having to betray your girlfriend. Like you mentioned cross-dressing and you heavily focused on being dominated. Maybe you need to explore your gender expression some more? Maybe you need feel out of control in a way your everyday life isn't giving you the opportunity to.

You haven't talked at all about what your girlfriend is like. Do you think she'd have a problem with you talking about these things? Would it be a problem if you cross dressed or asked her to be a little domineering? Would she just not be into it or would she actively view you poorly for even asking?
I don't think you should dump all of this onto her because it's a lot to process but I think it's also a big problem if you can't talk about any of it. Wouldn't you want her to talk to you if she was experiencing these types of emotions?

Stop beating yourself up for being confused and needing help.

thank you so much for the reply... i used to love crossdressing i love girly colours i mean just look at my profile picture so you could imagine what was i in to few years ago.i dont look like that anymore, but i miss it sometime... i loved heels and skirts i loved being fem.. but with that came urges to men... i became a horny girl basicly... if i told my gf what i am telling you guys she would think i am a faggot and she would basiclly probablly leave me... well yes i want secretlly to dress up while i have sex with my girl and she be dominant but she would not find that normal... so i supress... one time i crossdressed infront of her and ended up having sex, she told me it was pretty hot she felt like some kind of lesbian but would never do that again.... and me... it was great... but.... i kinda craved dick... i know so messed up..

 

[cabinfever]

Alot of what you describe has nothing to do with watching porn or being gay IMO.

The problem is not even what turns you on - also IMO. The problem is you not accepting it and when you suppress your sexuality or fantasies - whatever they are - you might end up acting out in unsafe ways and paying for it dearly.

I think it wise to take the time to know yourself. Stop beating yourself up and/or judging yourself. You have alot of company.

From what you wrote - you sound like a submissive to me. There are alot of submissive men who are straight or bi and even straight ones will entertain fantasies and even have sex with men. Try not to get hung up on labels if that is possible because that is often one of the biggest contributors to whatever problem someone has with their sexual desires.

Alot of submissive men who are straight or bi find women who are dominant and who humiliate and/or "punish" them which can often include engaging them with men.

If you can do it - train yourself not to label your sexuality until you understand it - and take your time accepting whatever it is you like and maybe even reading about it or finding like minded people to get a better perspective and understanding.

Unfortunately there is alot of shame and judgement when it comes to sex - you have to ignore both of these whether they come from outside yourself or your own inner voices - assuming the situation involves consenting adults.

 

[texan_slant]

A coupla things here -
1. Porn doesn't turn you gay, but it what it could do is it might have tapped some unknown kink, fetish, preference, etc. that you thought you never had.
2. Porn can be an addiction, and there is the chance that in order to fuel that addiction, you'll watch it any which way that you can get it, regardless of the genre.

My initial thoughts are to address the porn addiction first.
Then, over time, if you start to fantasize about men, you might want to venture out to see if it's something up your alley.

 

[beardedbearcub]

I used to think it was porn addiction as well but turns out i just enjoy the lustful embrace of another man