Disclosure Advice

[BoSoxFanVa]

Being a member for only a few weeks, I'm happy to see that these boards offer a genuine perspective with compassion. So I have a situation that needs objective advice.

This is the first time I've disclosed my issue except to my family and a handful of friends so I'm worried about the outcome. For the last five years, I've been suffering from Major Depression Disorder. I've been in and out of the hospital these last few years thus losing my husband, job and confidence in myself. My condition is so serious that I currently have electric shock therapy every other week and I'm on such a large cocktail of drugs that it would take this whole post to explain.

Here's my problem. With the addition of the ECT treatments, I've been feeling better and been out of the hospital now for a year. I've been experimenting on various dating sites to test the waters to see who's out there. I've been approached many times but have failed to follow through. I just don't know how to disclose this condition without the guy getting up and running away.

I've been communicating with this one guy for a few weeks. Somehow I've agreed to meet him for dinner tonight. (What was I thinking?). Over the phone, I told him that I work as a landscaper which is somewhat true. I take care of a few yards to keep me busy during the week.

My question. Do I tell him the dreary drama tonight on our first date or do I wait and see if we click and disclose later? My biggest fear is that if I don't tell him and wait a few weeks, I'll come off as a liar and phony. Of course, I'm also afraid of rejection which happened on one other occasion with a guy I met online.

I'm taking a big step getting back out into life but this hurdle is daunting. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks guys.

 

[gsdx]

I believe I would wait awhile to see if things 'click'. If you begin by telling him everything and things don't work out, you will always wonder if telling him was the reason, and that may drive you deeper into avoiding future contact.

I don't think you will come off as a phoney or a liar if you wait. There is no need to discuss your entire life history on your first date.

If you are still seeing each other in a few weeks' time, you can tell him then if you wish. You could begin by saying something like, "I trust you enough now that I can tell you this."

Telling him before you get a chance to know each other is like saying, "Stay away from me. I'm not worth your time."

 

[eric55]

Hey there BoSox,

I'm very sorry to hear you've had such a very hard time. My heart goes out to you. I have struiggled with low grade depression off and on for years, sometimes with the help of medication, sometimes without. It is a frustrating thing to have to go through and I'm happy you have found some measure of help and are seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

In response to your question, I will tell you what I told a friend of mine 9 years ago when he was diagnosed with HIV. The details of your life are your own and don't need to be divulged like a disclaimer. A first date is a casual thing and involves no comitment.

I wouldn't advocate making things up, but I wouldn't turn the evening into a heavy tell all. Relax and talk about things that make you happy, find points in common and discuss those... let the evening flow a bit and see if anything materializes. If things move forward, you can lead towards the subject without going into full depth, just to guage his reaction. From there, the ice is broken and you can play it by ear. As long as the relationship is light dating he doesn't need to be made aware of more than you feel comfortable divulging. If and when it heads to something more serious you need to fill in the blanks and give the full story before eithe rone of you gets too attached and potentially hurt.

Not every guy is going to be receptive. I hate to say that, because it sometimes makes us want to withold the truth in order to be accepted, I know, I've been there. But there are sane, healthy guys out there who are grown up enough to know we all have our flaws and challenges. Out there is a guy who will accept what you're living and be willing to walk the path with you.

Best of luck.

Eric

 

[herenthere]

First of all I think you have to accept the fact that a depression dis-order is not a character flaw. It in NO way makes you any less of a person. It is a disease much like cancer, MS or any other medical condition.

Your strong character and strength shows by your willingness to deal with the problem head on. The easy way out would be to deny your condition, and go sleep under the bridge.

This is a first date...go enjoy..and see if HE is good enough for you. If the relationship develops, slowly start sharing the things you are comfortable. There is no need to put all of your eggs on the table, first date.

My very very best of luck to you. Think positive and continue to deal with your condition. Your a very strong person...

My best
Shaun

 

[reachingout]

You guys are great For the most part you all always have the perfect advice . Keep it up

 

[Swellegant]

I echo all of the above advice. It's not lying, or being fake, to wait before disclosing personal information about yourself. It's the psychic equivalent of wearing clothes: you don't reveal everything to everybody, particularly your tender parts.

Furthermore, being severely depressive is not a character flaw, it's just a rather debilitating illness. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's also not polite dinner-table conversation. Do you see men walking around with T-shirts saying "I have prostate cancer!" or "Ask me about my angina!" or the like?

I've long felt that the best way to deal with an illness or disability is to not push it to the back of the consciousness nor to make a big deal out of it: just accept it like anything else that might be going on inside your body, not a surface issue but an internal issue.

I mean, I wouldn't tell someone I just met that I'm a recovering alcoholic, I wait until we're at a restaurant and someone hands me the wine list; I don't tell someone I just met that I'm bipolar unless it comes up in the conversation on its own. I don't tell him my blood-type or list the operations I've had or discuss my concern over these little carmine spots that have been surfacing in my skin over the last few years. My HIV status and sexual history are reserved until we agree that sex is on the menu for the relationship.

Of course, in online dating, I like (or rather used to like, it's been a while) to put certain of those things right on the front page... being in recovery, being bipolar, living with my 88-year-old Grandmother, etc. Anything that might be a turn-off goes right up front to scare off the people who will be turned off by that. It's been very effective: I scared everyone away.

But the things about which I am sensitive, things that might not come up in natural conversation, things that make me vulnerable (like my sexual inhibitions, my various phobias, the precise measurements of my penis, my craziest sexual fantasies, my worst childhood memories, etc) unfold later, after I've gotten comfortable with the guy.

So I guess what I'm saying is: if it's something that shows, go ahead and talk about it; if it's something on the inside, don't talk about it yet.

 

[antdak]

I agree with all of the above. Its a first date, not a commitment date, go enjoy, have fun, and see if there is a conection. Best of luck to you, and hope you find the right person for you.

 

[slobone]

I absolutely am not going to give advice to somebody with such a serious psychiatric disorder. Nor should anybody else, including people who practice in that field, without meeting you in person and learning all about your situation.

I assume you have a regular therapist. You definitely need to discuss this with him/her. In your fragile mental state, a date that goes bad, or worse yet, a relationship that goes bad, could trigger something really serious.

Even a "casual" date can be a very emotional experience, with a lot of ups and downs. I just don't think any of us here is in a position to say whether you can handle this or not.

Which is not to say that the advice you've been given so far isn't excellent. If you go through with this, take it slowly and wait till you're comfortable before you talk about your situation.

But talk to your therapist first.

 

[Yves]

There is some good advice here but I agree with slobone. Talk to your therapist first.

 

[slobone]

Yes, I agree ds, I salute him for hanging in there and for being so honest with us. Perhaps my post sounded a bit harsh.

I can't make the judgment for bosox as to what he should or shouldn't do, and ultimately, you're right, neither can his therapist.

But I do think he needs to be careful. I only suffer from mild (chronic, not clinical) depression, but I have been completely thrown for a loop in the past by relationships that went badly. It's not something you want to mess with if you're not prepared for all the possibilities.

But again, bosox, you're a brave guy. Please keep us posted, there are some good people here who can give you a lot of support.

 

[BoSoxFanVa]

Thanks for all the good advice. This topic has been a high priority for my therapist and I for the last two years. He has been suggesting to get back into life. It's just taken so long for me to act.

I went on the date last night and it went really well. I was nervous as hell but after the first few minutes, I settled down and was finally coherent.

I took the advice of many who told me it was too early to disclose on the first date. I agree. We just had small talk most of the night and I don't feel bad about not telling him about my illness.

I'm not sure whether we will date again. He was a super guy and I'd like to get to know him better. We'll see where it goes.

Thanks again for all the support and kind words. I love this site.

 

[slobone]

Hey, glad to hear it went well. I'm relieved. Sounds like you've got things under control and are taking some good steps. Hope it works out for you -- keep us posted!