Dkonfrost - Archived Blog Posts

[dkonfrost]

I decided that I'd give this blog a shot. It's funny, I hadn't been too active with JUB in the last year, but after a friend mentioned to me a post regarding a question by Jockboy01, i jumped right back on the wagon.

I guess the most noteworthy bloggable thing I can think of writing about is about a recent attitude adjustment on my part. For those who know me, I have a sarcastic/mean streak, it's part of my charm. Or, as I like to say, I put the "harm" in "charm" I'm not implying that I have a shitty personality, my sarcasm is more of a point of humor, especially around friends. I'm always the one who can make the snide remarks in jest and make people laugh. I can use the same sarcasm if confronted, but I have been fortunate and haven't gotten into soemone's face.

A friend and I were having dinner recently, and I had asked him if my attitude has gone from "funny sarcastic" to "snarky negative" because I had started noticing that my remarks, even made in jest, have been laced with a bit more negative vibe. He said it right out that I kinda "lost" my sweet side. He knows that I'm snarky in general but out of humor and wit, but he said that he has noticed that my snarkiness has gotten to the point where it's "angrier" in a sense.

Basically, i've been on a "defensive" and that i've put up shields. partial reasn for the shields is i think due to me reacting to mom's difficulty to me being gay. i've been on full defensive because i'm expecting her to try and bully me (thanks Soilwork!) into "changing" (absurd!!!) And i think it's also reactionary to the last dipstick i dated (he got all needy and clingy on me after 3 dates, he was demanding that i stop talking to other guys and that I should set aside time for him - despite the fact that I was upfront about not wanting to get involved in a relationship)

it's funny, as i'm typing it out, i sound so juvenile, LOL. Well, maybe it's good that I'm realizing that I'm being juvenile, because it's going to help me in the long run.

And i've made a conscious attempt to avoid being on the defensive all the time, and I think it's starting to work. When I went out with my friends last night, I noticed that I was relaxed, and one of my friends had mentioned that I smiled a lot. yay!!! that's what i was going for

So yeah, it's nice to make a breakthrough, you know?

 

[dkonfrost]

i finally have a siggy!!!

that's it, LOL

 

[dkonfrost]

one my best friends calls me, and we briefly talk about what i'm planning to do regarding my birthday, and i mention that she'll finally get to meet my boys/the crew.....

"Are those the guys who are on your myspace?? I can't wait to meet them. They're so hot!!!! it sucks that they're gay, they're so hot. Omg!"

i guess i have a talent for befriending attractive gay men, LOL.

 

[dkonfrost]

but i had a FAN-f****ng-TASTIC workout last night at the gym! my friend Cheryl got me and my buddy Marc guest passes at her gym last night. Marc walked us both through free weights training, and damn, it was FUUUUUN. And it was totally great that Marc was there because i learned proper form and he was able to monitor my posture and technique.

now, i am sore ALL over (intense upper body workout at the gym added with 3 hours of contemporary/hip-hop dance class for an intense leg and abs workout earlier). I'm all sorts of hurting, but i feel soooo damn good that i worked out so hard. i knocked out right when i got home too, LOL.

i absolutely CANNOT wait to start again on monday

 

[dkonfrost]

So today is 2 years. TWO years….it’s crazy, time really really flies. I’ve been gearing myself up for the arrival of this day. Well, this whole month in general, I’m not particularly fond of currently. For those who are not aware, please refer to this entry for specifics of that particular dark time in my life. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?f...31522040&blogMonth=4&blogDay=20&blogYear=2006

Well, first off, thank you’s are in order. Thank you to those folks who were my pillars of support in 2005 during the whirlwind of his death. I honestly don’t think I would be this emotionally stable had it not been for your unending support: Lester, Jamie, Marc Squared, Russ (that phone call was such a great relief at a crucial time), Tom, Mark 1, Angel, Dianne, Gio, Joe, Chi~!, Laura, Tiffany, Mark B, Amy, Jade, Joseph Anthony & Mike, Chris & Danielle, Justin; Mark’s biological family (who I consider my own family too) If I missed someone, please let me know and that will be amended.

I also want to thank the new friends who I have come to cherish and hold dear to my heart. Frankie, Manuel, Carlo, Keith, Welfrey, Memo, Lia, Clayton, Jimmy, Virginia, Donna, Robert, Anthony, Jay, Nick, Ged & Andy, Angel, David, Liz, James/ Your friendship, fun, wisecracks and drunken antics were a hoot, and getting to know you folks was such a blessing. Here’s to several more years of friendship. Seriously…… ;-)

And a huge thank you to my neighbors in Mountain Cove. They took time off from work just to visit Mark in the ICU. Their presence was a great source of comfort and strength, especially when we all ran dry from it all. I remember being in the ICU waiting room from 9am to 10:30pm, and our neighbors visited in shifts throughout the day. The Mallon family organized Mark’s Irish Wake a week later, and the neighbors also put together 3 huge posterboards filled with photos of Mark during the various get-togethers we had. Mark made such an impact on all of us, and it was a nice honor for them to remember him in such a fashion.

I still miss Mark. He was a wonderful boyfriend, he loved me very much, and we shared 4.5 years together. He’s not physically here, but his memory thrives in my adopted family, Lester, and the neighbors. While I wish that he survived the surgery, he lives on through them. And I know he’s watching over me too. And I’m also quite sure that he’s pointing and laughing at me once in a while, LOL.

Thank you, Mark. Thank you for your love and support during your time here. I’ll see you when it’s my time to hop on over to your side of the party.

 

[dkonfrost]

and i'm SORE. as in, every movement makes me go, "ow ow ow" LOL. Walking uphill at my college campus was quite the task, thankfully yoga has been making my legs stronger.

one of my best friends (who i affectionately call my personal trainer) switched up our workout and started new exercises this past friday. it was time to change things up! boy am i glad, i was starting to get used to the old set.

as for my deltoid, it's healing up, and the new workout is kinda like rehab for it too, hooray! i don't spike much during volleyball either (i've stuck with setting almost exclusively), that helped a LOT.

ok, time to get some advil...and protein, LOL

****this meathead blog brought to you by the number 7

 

[dkonfrost]

the guy i've been dating for 6 months broke up with me this past weekend.

i've been bummed out for the last few days. he broke up with me because he is dealing with a lot of personal issues. in a nutshell, thanks to the inherited neurochemical imbalance that runs in his family, and several stressors that have happened in the last few months, he felt that he was at breaking point.

he had to end things between us because it was not fair to me that his life was fucked up and he didnt want to drag me down with him. he wants to get his life together so he can function in a relationship. he's starting group therapy, and is going to make several changes in his life to get better.

i know hard it was for him to break up with me; his exact words kept echoing in my head, "It really kills me to have to say this, and i hate it, but i have to stop dating you."

it really hurts because it's something that i know for a fact, that i have NO power at all to help him. I know for a fact that this is soemthing he has to do himself with professional help.

it really killed me this past sunday because we were at the same location, but i couldn't hold his hand or kiss him like usual. one of our mutual friends had coaxed him out of hiding to go out for drinks (just as well, ebcause that mutual friend was quite drunk before we even got there, so, i'm glad someone was looking out for him). and it was also our friend, Donna's, birthday, so, he made the effort to celebrate with her, despite our situation. i thought that was cool.

i'm doing my best to deal with it. it helps that there was no anger between us or anything like that. i just hope that he gets the help he needs. i know he told me not to wait for him, but there's that hope that we'll pick up where we left off.

time will tell.

 

[dkonfrost]

"dancing" by elisa

Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon

My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking
No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

 

[dkonfrost]

i just finished the 8-week fasttrack nursing fundamentals training! damn, what a ride that was. gonna expand more about that later, but for now, i'm just glad i can have a few weeks off before i start the nursing program officially in the fall.

here's my to-do list so far:

1.) relax
2.) read Harry Potter 7
3.) purchase and actually watch Justice League Unlimited
4.) push for working out 5 times a week
5.) Palm Springs trip in 2 weeks
6.) wisdom teeth extraction
7.) snag/snog a cute guy for a date or two (easily my favorite objective, LOL)

can i do it in 4 weeks?? Let's hope so!

 

[dkonfrost]

yeah, i start school next week. geez. after i got back from Palm Springs, everything suddenly went into fast forward.

shelled out the money for books, pushed paperwork for school, got my wisdom teeth extracted, squeezed in some workouts, JUB-ed.

i guess i was hoping for a few more weeks before i had to start the grind again. Oh well, it was still fun.

i'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things, and i'm also looking forward to the holes in my gums close up so i can eat like i normally do. i have utter respect for people who have altered dietary restrictions, it aint easy!

i'm currently working out a schedule that i can stick to so i dont fall by the wayside. i hate being sloppy, especially with clinical and studying and sleeping and working out. etc etc.

oy vey, here we go!