Do I ask my fiancé' about his semi-effeminate voice? (no offence meant)

[ndavies]

Disclaimer: My intention is not to offend anyone or dredge up the old masculine vs feminine argument, is gayness genetic or learned, etc. I apologize in advance if I use terminology that could be construed as offensive or politically incorrect, but I'm asking an honest question and don't feel like tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. If you have or like effeminate qualities, I don't judge or discriminate. Everyone has their traits and predilections. To fend off the statements before they come; NO...I'm never going to leave him just because of his voice.

To start off, let me ask the question.

Do I ask him about it? Meaning, when would be the right time, if ever, to ask if his voice and mannerisms are intentional or natural/subconscious/genetic, etc? I would never ask him to change (if he could) because I love him unconditionally, but I am very curious. I would have asked him a long time ago but he can get a little emotional so I didn't want to go flirting with disaster if the group says to let sleeping dogs lie.

Here is some background if it helps:

I'm 30 and he is 28. We've been together for over a year and are engaged (no date set). We are soulmates and we wouldn't want to be with anyone else...ever. However his voice is a bit high with a rasp, but no lisp or overt 'stereotypical gayness' to his speech patterns. He also has mildly effeminate mannerisms. He isn't not flamer effeminate, but it's not what you'd call totally masculine either, unless you count his body. *smirk* When he yells, never an angry yell with me but the across the house 'honey..can you get me a napkin' type of yell, it is the same high voice and sometimes he can't get enough volume for me to hear him and it sounds like he is struggling. The same goes for when he talks on the phone, or to me very quietly, or in a crowded room. His voice is sometimes too soft or at that perfect pitch for me to hear him clearly. This is actually a problem. I have to say "huh?, what?, can you repeat that?" a bit too often. True, his voice has bothered me a little since we first said our hellos, but it isn't going to deter me from loving the person he is. His mannerisms are subtle but noticeable and while I'm not typically attracted to or turned on by that type of guy, there was just something about him that said: I love you and want to be with you till death do us part. On the flip side, he has moments when he laughs or whispers sweet nothings when his voice gets notably deeper. MUCH deeper. That alone lead me to ponder if it is intentional or not and thusly to ask the question if I should ask the question. I on the other hand have zero 'tells' if you will, aside from never having a girlfriend or being seen flirting with women.

So that's it. Do I ask or not? If I do, how should I approach the topic?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Telstra]

Maybe you could give him post1 in this thread to read

 

[hylas]

no need to ask, its not intentional.

guys dont choose freely to have feminine mannerisms. why would they? fem guys get teased, or worse.

perhaps he tends to speak softly because he feels a little self-conscious about his voice for exactly those reasons.

i guess he could try and surpress it, but thats not a nice thing to ask of him, and it seems you dont intend to, either.

if you want him to speak louder for practical reasons, i would just say it like that, and not bring up his sometimes effeminate way of speaking.

you can also tell him how much his voice turns you on whenever he "drops". positive reinforcement!

(ps: you probably have a lot more "tells" than you think you do, you old fag ^^ )

 

[sixthson]

I think it's fine for you to bring the subject up as long as you are prepared for him asking why you masturbate with your pinky finger sticking out in such a "delicate" manner.

 

[Ganoderma]

(....) there was just something about him that said: I love you and want to be with you till death do us part. (...). Do I ask or not?

I think you should talk with him about this topic, especially because you have told us that you would like to spend the rest of your life together with him. Besides that, I am quite sure that he will also have noticed some peculiarities about your own behaviour. Talking about this, and knowing ànd accepting such kind of things from each other, is a vital part of a healthy and enduring relationship.

I don't really have a good idea how you should approach this topic. Do you have experiences with him about discussing more serious aspects? Maybe you could also start with asking if he has some remarks on your behaviour?

I assume that you don't hide to the rest of the world (your friends, people around you, in public, etc.) that you have a fiancé / that you have a special relationship with Him. People are very well capable to draw their conclusions about you (and him) when both of you are often together. Are you living as an open gay?

Good luck, and feel free to react and/or ask for more advice.

 

[csb999]

I find a very interesting behaviour trait-tendency and really worthy of examination but he himself would probably be the worst person to ask .

 

[SC6201]

So let me get this right...you are gonna commit to spending the REST of your lives together, but uncomfortable about talking about his....voice? Good thing you haven't set a date yet!...

 

[csb999]

as well any question of any sort would probably be taken as criticism , an insult . And as I say he would probably be the least aware of any departure from the most average in his behaviour . As physical resemblance externality could be essential .

 

[Seasoned]

Maybe you ought to be asking yourself a question. Are you willing to listen to his voice, as it is, until you grow old together? Different things bug different people and you are entitled to your quirks just like anyone else. And like anyone else you can keeps them or attempt to work on them. I could list several of my husband's and I know he could do the same. Over time they can even become endearing.

Now, my questions to you. Has anyone ever mention the quality of his voice to you, and has it ever embarrassed you? You're not on trial so you don't have to answer, and answering yes wouldn't make you a bad person. It would just help you work on what would be your issue and not his.

I think it's ok to bring up anything and everything when in a relationship. I think it would be ok the next time he uses his deep voice to mention that you notice he has two distinct voices. That could be the beginning of a conversation.

 

[dragon08]

Ok I don't see why people get so offended whenever someone mentions a guy who acts feminine. I don't talk like that, i'm not hugely attracted to guys who do, but I don't have a problem with guys who do. Gay guys that I know who talk with a high pitch voice have all said that it isn't how they naturally spoke they just started taking like that and it became habit. I personally see it as a turn off.

There will be qualities that you don't like about him and there will be qualities about you that he won't like I don't see why someone would get offended at your question especially if you are just genuinely curious.

 

[jaysizzles]

You really should be able to talk to your fiance about anything, but I'm not so sure about bringing this subject up. If you do, I'd choose my words carefully...it may result in tension between the 2 of you, or insecurities on his part if he's not aware of it and/or can't control it. You bring it up...no matter how much you say it doesn't bug you, he'll think it does since you brought it up.

It'd be interesting to see his reaction to seeing/hearing himself if he were to be casually caught on video...to notice whether he even realizes he does it or is bothered by it. If he were to bring up the subject rather than you, it'd be easier to convey to him that it doesn't bother you since he brought it up.

 

[ndavies]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It has been VERY interesting reading and I do apologize for the late reply. I can't address everyone individually so I'll try to sum up. Please do keep the comments coming. I don't get a lot of time to reply at home so I have to make the time at work and stealthily post this pre-written reply. I'll give you one guess why.

No seriously, I have a gaydar absorbing coating. I'm totally stealth unless you spend an inordinate amount of time with me, and even then. No pinky (sixthson - you suck BTW. I almost spit out my coffee this morning when I read that ), swishy walk, gestures, or anything. Even my love says he didn't think I was gay the first time we met and people at work and even people that I've known for years are all trying to hook me up with women they know. They think I'm lonely. Umm...no. I just keep to myself so I guess you could say I'm largely not out at work, but am to my real friends in and out of the office. I mean, I don't advertise, but I don't hide either. My office is a small place (30 people) and people I call friends, know. The rest of the world can MYOB and GTFO.

Yes I think he knows he has a high voice. He's even said such when a VERY friendly waitress who absolutely loved us (I'm sure you know the kind. They see love in the air or two gay guys and go all mushy and act like your best friend even though they are perfect strangers) asked him if he had a cold or something because she was having a little hard time hearing him over the crowd in the restaurant. His reply was something like, "No, that's just my voice" and I could tell he was a bit insecure about it because he said it so quick and changed the topic almost immediately. Maybe he has been asked before. Given his past, I'm sure it has come up more than once.

With that said, I totally agree that it is a very interesting trait and one that does warrant study, but after reading people's responses here, I'm pretty sure I'm not comfortable talking to him about it. If I know he is already somewhat insecure about it, then asking him would be a slap in the face and would probably haunt us, but mostly him, forever because it was something that I, his one true love, specifically called out that I thought was 'different' and worth brining up. I just don't think I want to go there. We don't hold back about hardly anything. We are the antithesis of prudish. Farts, snot rockets, intimate details of past dates and encounters, loves, hates...nothing is out of bounds, except this one thing I fear. Yes, we should be able to talk about everything, but such a thing could, like was said in this thread, make him feel ashamed. I can't hurt him like that. I love him too much. I imagine most people have something, even just one thing, they keep from their spouse for period of time, and this may be one of those things.

I can't say I've ever been ashamed about it, but it does shoot into my consciousness for a millisecond when he starts to talk, then it all goes away and it's just love. If I am to spend the rest of my days with him I can't see it becoming a point of contention. It's not that big of a deal but I'd love to know his side of the story. He's not a screaming queen and I'm the anti-gay. For all I know he could be deliberately trying to change himself to mimic me. Since I've never asked, I have no idea how he was before we met. Without getting into gritty details, I can tell you he was extremely unhappy with his life choices and finding love. He was looking in all the wrong places and found out how horrible people can be. He gave up looking and I was like a burrito wrapped gift perfectly spiraled out of a moving bus that hit him square in the chest. (If you've seen Pitch Perfect, you'll know what I mean...and that is pretty much the only chick flick I find humorous) He may have been flamboyant and has toned it down in his old age to the point where it is barely noticeable. What better way to attract attention from the gay crowd than to act really really gay! The very first evening we met he may have seen my non-gayness and instantly dropped 90% of his 'act' realizing that he doesn't have to look anymore and be someone he is not. The remaining mannerisms could be latent traits from all those years and they may fade in time or stay the same...or get more pronounced. I just don't know and therein lies my question. I'll leave out the details of how we met, but let me say without a shadow of a doubt, it WAS love at first sight and remains such.

Coward92, I am completely in your school of thought. A trait can be learned and I would imagine in many if not most cases, overcome or at the very least modified. Think of people with accents or speech impediments. The Kings Speech or anyone British. Don't you sometimes find yourself speaking with a British inflection when you hear it? And people becoming more Americanized when they move to the US?

Playing devil's advocate, he may have a naturally soft, high, and raspy voice. But think of it as a whole. The voice, walk, mannerism, and not to mention actually being gay! What are the chances it is ALL natural and not a facet of him being immersed in the uber-gay culture from his early high school days and for the following 10 years leading up to a year or so before he met me. Imagine how many queens he's dated or been around. He was a clubbing and dating monster in his youth before we met. His stories are amazing and always end in on a sad, sometimes horrible note. I, on the other hand, never lived that life. I mostly had straight friends and a quiet, sedate life. I chose to be that way. Not because I didn't want to be labeled as gay or was afraid, but because I never felt the need or had the urge to advertise. I dated but never said 'I love you' to anyone. Call it denial, or whatever you want. Maybe my gay sex drive wasn't fully activated until I met the love of my life. Anyway, it's not about me. Now that we are together, he hates how flippant he was with his misspent youth and how he had always wished for the life he now has with me, but never knew how to get it. He may have been trying too hard to attract gay men by acting all feminine. Trial and error, and it was all error by his own admission. But I really was the whole package for him. I hit all the right buttons and we fit perfectly, quite literally, in each other's arms. But I digress.

Again, I really appreciate the advice, comments and constructive criticism. Please keep it coming!

 

[Louis1992]

i was about to post a thread about this topic and voila, someone did it firts hehehe, i've always had friends with that kind of voice and i never paid attention to that, they are wonderful friends that i love, but in terms of relationship, i've never felt confortable with that, till yesterday, i had a date with this beautiful (inside and outside ) and worthy guy, we talked about over 5 hours about so many things, he treated me so well, and nowadays guys like that are hard to find, no talking about the fail dates attemp that i had since january 2011 .. it was a kind of love at the first sight, there was something strange about him, even that we meet for the first time in person, i felt a warm in my heart, whatever i fell in love with this guy hahaahha, when he talked for the first time, i was a little awkward because of the voice, but i didnt really cared , because he's such a nice person, and i never felt confortable with a guy since my last relationship.

After 5 hours of talking, we went over a reunion with his friends, it was a reunion with straight and gay couples, those crazy girls were so dam fun, and they all liked me, i spent the night at hist place, we went upstairs at 5 am, the kiss session began, after 2 hours of kissing, we fall asleep cuddled , ( nothing else happened lol).

i have a good feeling like finally is going to work with someone . no matter what.

 

[ndavies]

i was about to post a thread about this topic and voila, someone did it firts hehehe, i've always had friends with that kind of voice and i never paid attention to that, they are wonderful friends that i love, but in terms of relationship, i've never felt confortable with that, till yesterday, i had a date with this beautiful (inside and outside ) and worthy guy, we talked about over 5 hours about so many things, he treated me so well, and nowadays guys like that are hard to find, no talking about the fail dates attemp that i had since january 2011 .. it was a kind of love at the first sight, there was something strange about him, even that we meet for the first time in person, i felt a warm in my heart, whatever i fell in love with this guy hahaahha, when he talked for the first time, i was a little awkward because of the voice, but i didnt really cared , because he's such a nice person, and i never felt confortable with a guy since my last relationship.

After 5 hours of talking, we went over a reunion with his friends, it was a reunion with straight and gay couples, those crazy girls were so dam fun, and they all liked me, i spent the night at hist place, we went upstairs at 5 am, the kiss session began, after 2 hours of kissing, we fall asleep cuddled , ( nothing else happened lol).

i have a good feeling like finally is going to work with someone . no matter what.

I know the feeling...exactly. That's almost verbatim how my love and I met, aside from the party. It was just him and I staring into each other's eyes over dinner and conversation (mostly me talking because he was SO very shy). He later admitted that he was terrified of meeting me because I seemed so perfect and it intimidated him. Then as we were leaving the restaurant, he asked if I wanted to cuddle at his place, with no mention or intention of more. And that' exactly what happened. A loving kiss, cuddles, and a very restful sleep in his arms. The next day was a long drive through the countryside, talking the whole way. We feel deeper in love. That night it was more of the same. A few kisses, cuddles and sleep. We respected each other and he was insanely happy I wasn't after him in 'that' way. After that weekend, it was done. I put a ring on his finger 6 months later.

True love happens. Cherish it when you find it because it may never come again.