Do I confront my hook-up buddy?

[onetimething]

I need to ask you guys for a bit of advice on a situation I've found myself in. I'm long-winded so bear with me.

I met a guy on Craig's List back in August. I responded to an ad of his essentially just looking for a hookup. Being experienced with the site, I wasn't expecting all that much. When I went to his place and met him, I was surprised to see that we had a lot in common, and got along really well. Before there was any sort of sexual activity, he talked for several hours, and then several hours afterwards. It was a pleasant surprise as I was just assuming this would be a quick "get some head and go" sort of thing. So over the past four months, we've had a nice little growing friendship. We generally trade emails a few times during the week, some flirtatious, some just friendly. We have only been able to meet up six times or so in the past four months due to scheduling conflicts however. I really enjoy spending time with him, and he with me. He admitted just as much awhile back telling me that against his wishes, he was starting to have feelings for me. I say "against his wishes" because he, like me, is not interested in actually having a romantic relationship at the moment. He just got out of a four year relationship not that long ago and I'm leaving the area in February and just am general not interested (nor is it wise for me to start) in a relationship with anyone male or female, and plus, I have to admit that I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to actually date another man. If I were though, he'd be it. We just get along so well and have such a similar sense of humor, worldview, goals and interests. This is the background to the situation. Now for the latest development.

He lost his job right before Thanksgiving and has been sort of down in the dumps ever since. He was always struggling to pay his bills and now here he is unemployed. Even now that he doesn't have a job to interfere with our meeting up, I still have been unable to actually meet up with him for the past month or so. We were supposed to meet up last weekend but a family emergency forced him to cancel. I didn't hear from him at all this week which isn't entirely out of the ordinary (I'm normally the one initiating email contact), so I sent him an email Friday afternoon just checking in to see how he is. I know he received the email since I know he's been online (myspace), but he has yet to respond. That in itself doesn't necessarily really bother or surprise me although it is disappointing because I'd like to hear from him and was hoping to get to finally see him this weekend. Here's where the "situation" comes in that I need advice on, FINALLY. So, tonight I was incredibly horny and decided to take a trip on over to Craig's List to browse through the ads just because they can be entertaining and arousing. Imagine my surprise when I see that my buddy placed an ad there earlier this morning. I was very surprised by it for quite a few reasons, but chief among them was the fact that in the ad, he stated he was looking for people to pay him for sex. THIS was what floored me. Now the fact that he placed an ad to begin with, when he knows all he had to do was email me and I'd be over there more than ready and willing, isn't the main issue, although that in itself does seem strange and is a tiny bit hurtful to me, even though we're not in a relationship and have never declared this to be a monogamous "fuck buddy" relationship. The main issue is the fact that he's essentially whoring himself out.

I'm not sure what to do about this. The whole thing is just so shocking to me and leaves me with a lot of questions. Is this something that he's done before? As someone who has fooled around with him, shouldn't I have a right to know? Am I blowing things out of proportion? It just really isn't sitting well with me, but then I try to rationalize it and tell myself that if he were simply looking for sex, without any money attached to the deal, I wouldn't be so freaked out, so why is the simple exchange of money, especially when I know that he's really hard-pressed for cash, changing my opinion of him? Now I'm wondering whether or not I should confront him about this. I don't want to create any sort of awkwardness (good luck, right?) and I don't want it to come across like I'm stalking him but by the same token, I want him to know that I know about this. Not to mention, I'm a bit worried for him. Worried not only for resorting to prostitution for cash, even if only a one time thing, but also worried because of his line of work. He's currently waiting for security clearance to go through to be able to work for the government and I'm worried this will jeopardize that seeing as how intrusive their background checks are, it's quite possible that this will be found by them. I suppose I have stereotypes of who exactly is a prostitute and it just shocks me that someone I'm friends with, someone with a college degree and their own place, was only one or two paychecks away from being so desperate so as to sell their body. While I doubt this is something he'll make a career out of, just the one time is enough to be really off-putting for me.

So any advice? Do I confront him? How do I approach it? Our relationship has always been very fun and light-hearted and this seems sort of like a heavy topic to bring up.

 

[JackFTwist]

until you got to the part and him needing a security clearance...


he didn't want a relationship, neither did you, you got along well, and he needs money and certainly has not contacted you because it is not easy to say Hey Joe, I am going to start charging for sex." Embarrasment, shame, desparation for money that he has to do this, he is not going to want to talk to a casual sexual encounter buddy about something like that.

but you do know him and a short term thing here could be a long time negative on his life as you say and that gives you the opening as his friend to the limit you are to go over and see him and talk to him about your concerns (talk without judgment of him).

It should not change your opinion of him, in my opinion. He is feeling pressured and he is doing something to raise some cash fast. That doesn't change him as a person. It dies not make him anything but really short of cash and desparate and scared. Funny what we all do when we get panicked. Be his friend as much as you can be given yur current relationship and that you are moving, but in no way judge him. You may be able to help him figure out another cash income flow he can get to tide him over that will not jeopardize his future, and that is what a good person might do.

 

[onetimething]

until you got to the part and him needing a security clearance...


he didn't want a relationship, neither did you, you got along well, and he needs money and certainly has not contacted you because it is not easy to say Hey Joe, I am going to start charging for sex." Embarrasment, shame, desparation for money that he has to do this, he is not going to want to talk to a casual sexual encounter buddy about something like that.

but you do know him and a short term thing here could be a long time negative on his life as you say and that gives you the opening as his friend to the limit you are to go over and see him and talk to him about your concerns (talk without judgment of him).

It should not change your opinion of him, in my opinion. He is feeling pressured and he is doing something to raise some cash fast. That doesn't change him as a person. It dies not make him anything but really short of cash and desparate and scared. Funny what we all do when we get panicked. Be his friend as much as you can be given yur current relationship and that you are moving, but in no way judge him. You may be able to help him figure out another cash income flow he can get to tide him over that will not jeopardize his future, and that is what a good person might do.

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking along the same lines in terms of approaching him in a non-judgmental way. I'm just not even sure how exactly I would even broach the subject and if he would even be receptive to talking about it, or if he would be incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that I had found out. Interestingly enough, after about a week of his being unemployed, he joked to me that he should just become an escort and I jokingly replied "Go for it. You've got the equipment".

I certainly understand the financial situation that he's in and how prostitution can seem like an easy fix; getting paid for having sex is probably a dream to many men. I'm just more surprised than anything that he was so quick to turn to it. I suppose as liberal as I like to think of myself, I still have stereotypes associated with people who work in the sex industry, which I was never aware of until tonight when this situation presented itself and I realized just how uncomfortable the whole thing made me. I have sent him job openings and ads that I have found in the past several weeks and he was actually excitedly telling me the last I spoke with him (around 10 days ago) about this job that he interviewed for that he was a shoo-in for (in another industry that would frown upon this). I'm guessing he didn't get it. I'd like to hear from him one way or another just to get a general gauge on his state of mind right now. Will he mention it without any prompting? Will he hint at how he's so broke he's willing to do nearly anything? Or will he (most likely) not make any word of it and see if I'm interested in meeting up with him tomorrow?

 

[Orlandude]

I would be a little careful here, simply for the sake of preserving a budding friendship.

First off, you stated that you have spent time together only around 6 times in the past 4 months. Regardless of how well you get along and the expressed "feelings" and all, it is POSSIBLE that you may be getting mixed signals from him or giving yourself mixed signals. A friendship takes longer than 6 meetings to be a real friendship. I am sure he sees you as a good person and someone he feels comfortable talking with and it likely helps him get his mind off his financial issues. Based on all you have said, I would not confront him. My opinion. He is a big boy and made a conscious decision to do what he has done and he probably never gave it a thought that you would somehow see his ad. Remember, he is stressing about money right now and not thinking clearly. While what he has chosen to do about it is sad and unfortunate, I would not consider it my place to confront him about it. His business. It would be a lot different if he was someone you have known for a couple of years but that's not the case. Also, you will soon be leaving the area...and him. It may well be that the next time you see him and get into conversation, he may tell you. If not, I would say that silence is golden. There is not much you can really say that isn't going to upset him or make him feel angry, guilty or have a mis-perception that you are "spying" on him....no matter how accidental it was. What he has done, out of desperation, is actually a character issue. We are all faced with "hard times" at one time or another and there are more rational options to address the problem.

Hope some of this helps your thought process.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'd second Orlandude on this one:

He is your buddy. OK, more like fuck-buddy. Yup, you have started kinda bonding with each other and all. But despite all that, both of you have been pretty busy and getting together for sex or otherwise ended up pretty much on a back burner. That bit speaks volumes, too.

He is not you partner. He is not your BF. Neither of you have entered into a committed, monogamous relationship with each other. You and your buddy are free to fuck around as you please, if you'll pardon my French?

Last but not least, there is the ca$h issue at hand, too.

You have been reasonably supportive by sending him all the info you had about the available jobs. That was a very nice thing to do. Yet, he is his own man. He has got to make his own decisions and, if he sees escorting (or whoring, as you put it), as his way out, I'd leave it to him to make that decision. You have neither a suitable job to offer nor are you willing to extend him a significant cash gift at this time and pull him out of his troubles and woes.

Escorting, and especially, gay escorting is a very complex issue. Your buddy is doing it, coz, he is hard pressed for cash. Many dudes are doing it, coz it pays so much better than flippin' the proverbial burgers, and many are doing it just coz they love sex and having someone pay them to do it gives them an additional kick.

My topline here: If you have means and a plan, how to help him out, go and tell him. If you don't (and you are by no means under any obligation to do anything about the matter), leave it up to him to run his own show.

SC

 

[HartfordGuy]

PLenty of guy out there just like him. They want a fuck buddy and even enjoy the non-sexual small talk before and after. But 99.9% are married or in a relationship with another guy. For whatever reason they feel the need to get sex outside their current relationship. And many guys do maintain a long term fuck buddy arrangement. Unfortunately many guys in these situations do get attached to the other person. But the guy will always be unavailable to you unless it is on HIS terms. Yeah, It sucks. I feel your pain. Been there, done that.

As for the new ad he placed offering sex for hire? WHOA! OK, now we have a whole NEW issue. This is really out of your control. No matter what you say to him, nothing will change his mind. Remember, you are not the controlling factor in his life. If he thinks this is a wise idea of making cash until that Government job is approved, then YOU should probably walk away and fast. An intellegent person would get a part time job bagging groceries if he had to make easy short term cash, or any other temporary job until the real job was approved.

As for this new hobby of his affecting his chances of getting hired? It will not. Not unless he gets arrested for prostitution. Those kind of background checks are for criminal records, financial history (Bankrupcy etc) personal referrals and employment history.

I am really sorry to read that you like this guy. But to be honest, he sounds like trouble.

 

[onetimething]

Thanks for all the input guys.

There's been a bit of development on the situation. This is going to make me sound crazy, but I actually responded to his ad using a different name and email account. The reason being out of pure curiosity (or nosiness, whatever you want to call it), inquiring about his ad, the rates he charged and such, and to see how he'd respond. I decided that it wasn't my position to confront him on the issue and he was unlikely to be receptive if I tried to. As others said, it could put an awkward wrench into a budding friendship. But I still had questions about it that I figured could be answered by responding. He wrote me back, giving me his rates (at least $300) and also told me his situation, that he faces possible eviction from his apartment and is just looking to pay rent for the month and even remarked to me "I have the papers to prove it if you don't believe me" which leads me to believe just by virtue of his offering a somewhat detailed explanation of why he's charging for sex to someone who to his knowledge is a stranger, that he is pretty embarrassed and ashamed at having to do so. I know, that this may step over all sorts of privacy boundaries to have emailed him under a different name but my curiosity got the best of me.

So does that make me feel better? Well, a little. I'm not going to lie. Part of my concern about his ad was pure selfishness where I was just wondering if this is something he has done frequently or in the past and what risk that would pose for me. I realize that we're not in a monogamous relationship and as I stated, wouldn't be opposed to his fooling around with someone else on the side, especially given how difficult it has been for us to meet up in person lately, but it's one thing for a person to be fooling around with one person and quite another for them to be fooling around with potentially dozens. It would make me uneasy. So his reticence does make me feel a bit better for selfish reasons, but of course I'm still concerned about him, for having to resort to this. I don't have anything against the sex industry in theory, but when it comes knocking on your door so to speak and involves someone you know, your attitudes may change. At least mine did. I'm not gonna lie, in browsing through Craig's List, you see a decent number of guys looking for "financial contributions" stating they're down on their luck and such, and even I myself have fantasized as I slave off to another 9-5 day at the office "wouldn't it be nice to just place an ad and get head and then paid $500?" Now I would never go through with that due to a paranoid fear of diseases and of potential police stings. However, I certainly can understand the temptation as it seems such a quick way to make easy money.

I don't know what's happened with his job situation. As someone else mentioned, it would be best to find a part-time minimum wage position as you look for work just to make sure you have at the least SOME income coming in. Starbucks is always hiring. Blockbuster is always hiring. The grocery store is always hiring. They're all legal. I'm not sure why it is he hasn't gone that route. When I last heard from him, he was excited about going on his second interview for a job that he said he knew he'd get. I had assumed that he had gotten it and that was the reason I hadn't heard from him in over a week (because he was busy), and maybe he did and is still short on cash. I'm not sure. I won't know until I'm able to talk with him, and the fact that he hasn't answered my emails means that I'm sort of limited in what I know of his current state. The next time I do see him, while I don't plan on confronting him, I'll leave an opening through conversation for him to come out and talk about it if he chooses. If not, that's fine too. I will start looking for jobs and potential ways for him to make money as I did in the past.

 

[amigo32]

1. Since you're not in a relationship he's not doing anything wrong by sleeping around.

2. While you aren't in a posiiton to tell him to stop "whoring himself out", you are in a position to try to help him find a way to get employed again and get back in a situation where he doesn't feel like he has to do that.

So, if you want to talk to him about it just make sure you're talking to him as a concerned friend and not upset that he's sleeping around. It sounds like he's going through some rough times, and I think it would be good if you talked to him.

 

[hermanding]

if he has to do what he's doing to support himself, then that's what he has to do. at least he's not trying to get you to support him. there's no relationship. better not to bring it up, and maybe even better not to stay interested in him.
ding

 

[HartfordGuy]

If he is not answering your emails now, why bother to help him find a job? He has clearly chosen the way he WANTS to earn money.

So now try picturing him having sex with nasty old trolls with STDs. Hot guys are not going to pay him for sex.

And for $300 he sure isn't just sitting back and getting blown.

Take our advice. Run fast, run now. Yes, you are frustrated. But jerk off alot to take the edge off and move on with your life.

 

[amigo32]

running works too...

 

[onetimething]

Again, thanks for the advice everyone.

So the general consensus is to not say anything, and most feel I should no longer deal with him. I guess we'll see how it goes. Seeing as how I do consider him a friend as well, I would have a problem just simply dropping him with no explanation given; no email or anything. Then again, at this point, I haven't heard from him in quite some time regardless. Hell, maybe he's dropping me? Whatever the case may be, while some may see it as unfair, I'm no longer into him as I once was. As I stated earlier, I can certainly rationalize his escorting and try to put into perspective, but I for whatever reason just can't help but be slightly disturbed by the whole thing.

In some ways, the amount he was charging made me feel better. If he's charging at least $300, that means he's really only looking to do this once or twice, rather than charging $20 a pop some 30 times or so. When he gave me the number however, I was floored. I'm not at all experienced with escorts and their rates but it was shocking to me that a person would expect someone would fork over that much cash for sex. I suppose if you have the money though, $300 is just a drop in the barrel.

In some ways, through my duplicitous emails to him in which I posed as a customer, I was able to find out quite a bit of information and say things that I probably will shy away from saying in person since I have since decided that it's not something that he would be likely to talk about with me. For example, I found out that he did in fact land the job he applied for and is in fact working now, although I believe it is a different job. He remarked just as much in the email telling me that this his escorting is just a short stint and that come January, he will no longer be doing it. I believe that just with his several weeks of unemployment, he simply just is coming up short this month on rent. After ending our email correspondence, I did issue a bit of a friendly warning to him, since he mentioned his line of work to me, about being very careful about doing this sort of thing which I'm sure is something he had thought of, but that I just had to say. Since then, he has not posted any more ads on Craig's List. Of course, that's not to say that his initial ad didn't yield any further responses, or that he isn't posting elsewhere on the web, but whatever the case may be, I'm unaware of it.

I do plan to see him again at some point, and probably will fool around with him, but I am not as into him as I once was. I will send him a quick email later this week just to see how he is, and as a "Merry Christmas" sort of thing and then take things from there. As I said, when I do see him, I will leave an opening for him to come out and confess (which I don't expect, but I wish he would so that we could talk about it which would make me feel more comfortable), but if he chooses not to, well, that's fine too and I'll leave it at that. I will update with any new developments.

 

[CoolBlue71]

The guy doesn't have strong character. Why trust him any further? Especially with the continuation of fucking. And, when you think about, you don't trust him -- as you were compelled to investigate him and pose.

 

[onetimething]

Not that it's that interesting, but a bit of an update on this situation. Going against most advice in this thread, I confronted him about the ads. Well, not "confronted" really in the sense that the word has a negative argumentative connotation, but rather, there was an opening in email conversation about this and I told him that I had seen his ads. He came clean about it and said he never met anyone from the ads and expressed his regret at putting an ad up in the first place (he put up a second ad just the other week but took it down after our conversation) because it just made him feel cheap and pathetic and he wanted to go about things differently. He's still going through a really rough time financially and I'm doing my best as a friend to help him in any way that I can, usually by keeping my eyes and ears open to potential job openings, but I just hope he keeps things on the straight and narrow for his sake in the future.