Do I have a problem

[Pickwick]

Hi guys !

So few updates. Since I last posted a lot has happened. Turned out the guy i talked about in my previous thread... well I still dont know if he was just a jerk or if he freaked out but..... thing is I seam to be caught in a loop and i don’t know what to do to break the circle... I’ve read messages written three years ago to one of my colleagues (another “so called straight guy”) who kissed me completely unexpectedly one night and then freaked out and I’m starting to ask myself if I may not be the problem. After the last one I completely broke down and started taking drugs and alcohol because only the fact that I knew exactly how things were gonna roll down but couldn’t do anything to prevent it completely destroyed the little self esteem and confidence and strength I had left after my break up with the only guy I had a real relationship. Now I’m clean because thank god U think that deep down I’m not that much of a self destructive person. I’ve started a therapy (but my therapist have cancelled the last two appointments so it means that I’ve been alone with my thoughts for two weeks and I still have to wait for one more) to help me talk but I feel so sad all the time and I think I can’t point the issue. Am I the problem ? Do I have a problem? I mean after all I’m the one who let himself being used by others... can one of you help me understand what I might be looking for in others to send them signals. Why am I making myself hurt like that... well I’m sorry but I’m desperate I can’t stop crying for the past three months that I’ve stop taking any kind of shit. There is a deep feeling of loneliness and void and sadness that lingers and even if I’m pushing myself, keeping busy (I started running and training) I’m still fucking melancholic. Please help

 

[SeaCore]

I think you already know you have a problem. You've got some sort of issue that is putting you into emotional duress; I'd call that a problem.

But it's a little unclear what the issue is. So, it seems to me like you've already thought of some things that might have been the problem, you changed your behavior (taking drugs) because you thought it'd either solve your problem or off-set it enough that you could ignore it.

Why did you decide to take drugs?

What exactly was the problem with the other relationships (Romantic, sexual, or otherwise)? You weren't happy. There was something you needed that you weren't getting.

You talked a little about sending signals. For me personally, I do not like this tendency we have where we... Hm... Where we expect people to have the capacity to pick up on subtle signals. This is a bias I have because I don't read these signals well. And I think people get frustrated because they think they've been communicating and like they're being snubbed or actively ignored. But they're the ones being vague. I would rather people just be explicit about what they want.

Do you find it difficult to say 'no'. Just in general.

 

[TX-Beau]

Why is your therapist cancelling your appointments? That is a sign you need a new therapist.

 

[Pickwick]

I think you already know you have a problem. You've got some sort of issue that is putting you into emotional duress; I'd call that a problem.

But it's a little unclear what the issue is. So, it seems to me like you've already thought of some things that might have been the problem, you changed your behavior (taking drugs) because you thought it'd either solve your problem or off-set it enough that you could ignore it.

Why did you decide to take drugs?

What exactly was the problem with the other relationships (Romantic, sexual, or otherwise)? You weren't happy. There was something you needed that you weren't getting.

You talked a little about sending signals. For me personally, I do not like this tendency we have where we... Hm... Where we expect people to have the capacity to pick up on subtle signals. This is a bias I have because I don't read these signals well. And I think people get frustrated because they think they've been communicating and like they're being snubbed or actively ignored. But they're the ones being vague. I would rather people just be explicit about what they want.

Do you find it difficult to say 'no'. Just in general.

Well I’ve stopped taking drugs when I realised that it was not helping. I had been drinking and smoking (pot) for long before and then started taking stronger drugs to get out of my head but stopped when I realised that I was gonna cross the point of no return. Now I don’t even have a glass of wine with my dinner...

You’re right I know I have a problem but I can’t understand what it is exactly.

I was in a relationship for two years and a half. He was kind and great but tbh I was quite bored as he is more of the homebody type and I’m more of the party animal type. He proposed but when got the time to reveal to his parents that he was gonna get married with a man (aka myself) he didn’t get the balls... that was in April.
I started falling out of love with him to the point that I couldn’t lie anymore and just broke up. In the meantime I started to get really attracted to one of my colleagues that of course was the only homophobic man in the whole team I was working with. One day I got so drunk and high that I texted him “I love you mother fucker”. Tried to pretend for months that nothing happened and all went south at the same time so I quitted my boyfriend and my job and fled to one of my favourite place on hearth: Gran Canaria aka Gayland. That was in September/October. Started taking more shit and drink even more to the point that I can’t even remember my first night over there...and not many of them in between until I left. found a job and one of the cook there started to hit on me like after two minutes (literally),I told him to go fuck himself that I knew exactly what was gonna happen and that I didn’t need it but he insisted and i went soft and one day I told myself “let him fuck you he is not that ugly”. So I did. We had an affair for few weeks... it was crazy because I felt like he was the guy I had been waiting for all my fucking life there was such a connection between us... and he freaked out because of course he couldn’t be gay and assume it... I went crazy. I started cocain at that point, I was already on mdma (extasy) on a regular basis, plus pot, plus booze....... I started making parallels between what I was saying to the men I was with and what I could say to my parents while writing to both my mom and that guy at the same time..... then my cousin talked to me and I don’t know I took the plane in February and now I’ve been living with her for the past three months in France...

I’ve always thought I had a problem with straight men but I realise they have a problem with me too. For example back in December my flatmate brought one of colleagues home (a straight guy) and as soon as he passed the threshold I knew, I felt the way he looked at me. I almost didn’t say a thing to him all the evening. The next day she came back from work and told me he said he’d fuck me if
ever he’d be a bit drunk... I knew it... but i don’t know where is my problem and what it is...

We’ll sorry for the novel... but I’m really down I feel overwhelmed and lately really sad and lonely, insecure...

 

[SeaCore]

So, I think you're being too hard on yourself. It really doesn't seem to me like you have been in the wrong in any of these instances but you're writing as if you are.

You were with your long-term boyfriend because it was comfortable and familiar but when things started to get serious it revealed a side of your boyfriend that showed some of their inner demons they hadn't yet dealt with. I think you really internalized your ex's issue exiting the closet to their parents. It seems like you took it really personally—And I don't blame you. That shame is absolutely toxic.
But in hindsight, it probably wasn't personal, because it was societal. Your ex could've been with any man and they still wouldn't have been able to present them to their parents. They chose you for a reason. They proposed to you. I don't think someone who is ashamed of their partner would propose to them; they were ashamed of themselves.
Now, I'm not saying you should have stayed with your ex. Existing in the world as authentically as you can is clearly important to you; and your ex's demons were hindering that. It may have even dragged you back to a really dark place where you hadn't gotten the confidence to be happy with being yourself.

And I wonder if that is the problem you have now? Because you seem to be struggling with just. Existing. In the world. Without wondering if it's valid.

Humans are incredible at recognizing patterns. It's why we've been able to survive and investigate the world so well. But—we also have a problem of picking up on 'patterns' that aren't really there. There are probably innumerable straight men that you interact with that don't become attracted to you but you don't notice them because they don't stand out in your mind.

It is clear that you need-you need—to be able to be open about who you are and how you exist. And those 'straight' guys have gotten in the way because you don't want to be responsible for hurting them. But it's not fair for them to put that on you and you're the one that's being hurt and it's not fair and it's not reciprocal.

 

[Pickwick]

It is clear that you need-you need—to be able to be open about who you are and how you exist. And those 'straight' guys have gotten in the way because you don't want to be responsible for hurting them. But it's not fair for them to put that on you and you're the one that's being hurt and it's not fair and it's not reciprocal.

That’s exactly how I feel right now... I feel guilty... guilty of leaving my ex and not understanding how difficult it is to just come out. Guilty for asking him to recognise the fact that I was waiting for him to make me exist in his life the way he was existing in mine.
I feel guilty for falling for a great guy that is so insecure and hurt inside that all I wanted was to just tell him that it was gonna be ok... i feel guilty for telling that I loved him... I feel guilty for becoming crazy and mad and angry towards that guy whom I told not to and did hurt me anyway... I was writing that to a friend of mine like two or three days ago. That it was as if they were making me cary all their fears and angst and guilt and then were leaving me behind and blaming me for the relationship not to have worked out. It’s been like that for years. Even my “long(est) term” boyfriend told me that our problem was me going out and getting drunk... I mean ok I had a problem with that but we as a couple were not having that problem......... I mean now I’m just full of sadness and anxiety and fucking guilt !

 

[SeaCore]

I don't think your guilt is justified. There's a different way of looking at these things that I think you're missing and could help you recover.

It may not seem like it, but you were instrumental in helping your ex learn to love and accept themselves. You showed them that they could be happy with a guy, that they could imagine a happy future with a guy. They wouldn't have proposed otherwise.
You helped them grow.
But there reached a point where their growth was coming at your expense and was sucking the life out of you. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself. And that's okay. It's a real shitty situation but the truth is there probably weren't any options where everyone walks away from the situation unscathed. You had to do what was right for yourself and I don't think anyone would look down on you for it. They certainly shouldn't.

You shouldn't feel guilty about your emotions. You can't control how you feel. You were justifiably angry. You weren't being treated fairly and by people who supposedly care about you. You had just left a toxic environment only to land back in a similar one. It's no surprise that things escalated. You were hurt and continuing to be hurt and you tried to do whatever you could to make it stop. You made some mistakes in the process, but wouldn't anyone? When you're navigating a situation aimlessly and emotionally charged it's no surprise when mistakes happen. Cut yourself a little slack. You're only human.

 

[gayvga]

Drugs aren´t a solution. Never!
They can ruin a life, literally.