Do I need to break up with my boyfriend?

[UC3543]

I used the word "need' in the thread title on purpose. I do not want to break it off with him. I wan to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

A little background. We have been together for two years now, we are both in our mid 30's and have been basically living together for about 8 months (although not officially, he's been here every night since June).

No one has cheated on anyone, we dont get into fights, we get along great, we like and love eachother - no doubt about that.

We are discussing moving in together officially in a few months. He seems 100% OK with doing that. I'm not too sure, I have real doubts, not because of problems or bad things between us, but rather I think there isn't enough between us. My feelings are not cold feet and financially it would help us both to just move in together. But I don't want to unless I am convinced that we are on a short path towards a lifetime commitment.

So you might be asking - what is the problem. that is just it, there isn't a particular problem, but something has changed in my feling toward him. Not sure why. But his little habbits are bugging me more and more, there are times when I'm glad when he is in the other room watching TV and I'm doing something else. Or when he has to work a little late and I can have a little time to myself.

I want more communication and want to do more with him. if someone were to ask me to name the top 5 times we have spent together, I don't think I could come up with more than 1 or 2

There are times when I just want the relationship to end, even though I know I'll be crushed, my heart is telling me he isn't right for me. At times I think I want to be single again.

There are some differences between us in the area of money, sex, religious and political differences - we have discussed those things, he seems fine with it, not sure I am.

OK, I guess my short question is this, if after two years, I am having serious doubts about continuing the relationship (or in this case taking it to the next level) if my heart and gut tell me this isn't that enough to break things off

I've tried to ask myself the question of what do I want in 6 months. Living with him in a very comited relationship or single, and I cannot answer that question with any degre of certainty

 

[looseliam]

There are times when I just want the relationship to end, even though I know I'll be crushed, my heart is telling me he isn't right for me. At times I think I want to be single again.

When there is doubt, there is no doubt.

That's my philosophy.

 

[UC3543]

Should it trouble me that I don't have a specific reason to break up with him. If after I break up with him someone asks me why and I can't really answer that, except to say it just wasn't right - will I soon regret breaking up with him.

Or is the fact i am even asking this question enough for me to know that we need to break up

 

[looseliam]

You have your reason for the only person entitled to such: it just isn't right.

Some people don't listen to that inner voice - it's there for a reason.

And, for me, yes: the fact that you're questioning is enough to know it's time.

But that's just me.

 

[arealis]

Breaking up is as difficult as coming together. Perhaps you should try to do things differently to get the relationship rolling. Things may get stale through time, and unless both of you are 200% obsessed with each other, it is certainly normal.

Try doing things differently, and put some creativity to the daily events. Like maybe suddenly bring some wine for dinner, or etc... I think it could be that both of you are really so closely knitted that there really isn't much that both of you guys can talk about these days. Hence the creativity part is really important to keep the ball going.

There's a saying - True love never runs smoothly. Just weather the high waves and you might see a lagoon days after.

Just 2 cents here. Hope it helps.

 

[racer2438]

If there is any doubt you need to figure out what it is thats causing it. Only then may you be able to decide if this is right or not. You have to be sure this is what you want and since something is bothering you try to find out what it is. There is not guarantee the your relationship with work, no one knows this. It may work out and may not, it could for a number of yrs and then fall apart. But if there is true love, honesty and communication, things in common you'll have a greater chance of LTR.

I have been with my honey for 25+ yrs now and I could not be happier and we could be any more happier than we are now. Yes we have had our rough times but we work it though and always kept commuicating which I think is a big key. We made a funny rule when we met that we we never go to bed mad, as funny as it sounds it works for us. We do not let things go on and on and we dont throw back into each others faces, thats also a big key for us.

I would look in your self and think this through, and talk with your bf, and maybe waiting a bit longer to move in together may/may not be better.

 

[Seasoned]

Relationships are living entities. They need attention and nurishment. I think some people think that once a comittment is made it's a done deal. See to it that the two of you are on the same page. As for someone's habits annoying you, that will happen with anyone. Some couples need therapy to learn how to fight and to learn how to compromise.

PS. Of course, no one is going to be able to advise you whether or not to break up. That's your decision.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are times when I just want the relationship to end, even though I know I'll be crushed, my heart is telling me he isn't right for me. At times I think I want to be single again

There's a saying, "A door is something that a dog always wants to be on the other side of".

Relationships can be like that. When you're not in one, you want to be. When you're in one, you often wish you were single again.

So you might be asking - what is the problem. that is just it, there isn't a particular problem, but something has changed in my feling toward him. Not sure why. But his little habbits are bugging me more and more, there are times when I'm glad when he is in the other room watching TV and I'm doing something else. Or when he has to work a little late and I can have a little time to myself.

I want more communication and want to do more with him. if someone were to ask me to name the top 5 times we have spent together, I don't think I could come up with more than 1 or 2.

Read these two paragraphs- they're contradictory.

"I want more time alone"

"I want to spent more time with him"

Or perhaps the real issue here is the quality of the time instead of the quantity?

It may be that you're a couple who does better when you don't live together. Or maybe you need to work on having both a separate life (i.e. separate friends, separate things you do for fun) as well as the life that you have together (or to put it another way, a balance between "me time" versus "we time")?

It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and sort all of this out.

 

[fetaby]

Do you really want to be single again?

The only thing I can really make out of all this that hasn't already been said by the other posters is to stress the lack of communication between the two of you.

Do you think you would ever tell him these feelings that you are having? Or do feel that it is too "private"?

 

[maxpowr9]

I think karabulut hit the point spot on. It isn't about quantity of time but quality.

If I spent every minute of my free time with my boyfriend, it would drive me away from him. That's not to say I don't care about him or anything. I need my space for me and for other friends as does he. We both understand that completely. Not to mention it adds more to the conversation when we do get together. If he really is over there every night and you spend all leisure time with him, thats a red flag for me.

My guess is that you're in a codependent relationship.

Again, I don't know much about you two but it does seem probable.

 

[UC3543]

Do you really want to be single again?

The only thing I can really make out of all this that hasn't already been said by the other posters is to stress the lack of communication between the two of you.

Do you think you would ever tell him these feelings that you are having? Or do feel that it is too "private"?

We talked for about three hours last September about all these issues (although not about breaking up) I explained to him all these issues. I wanted to have sex more often, watch less TV, interact more when we are together, I proposed having 1 night a week where we didn't watch and TV and we dio stuff together, play games, go for a walk........ I told him at times it seems like we are more like roomates. There was some improvement, the TV watching hasn't stopped. Honestly I few weeks ago I figured it was unfair of me to expect him to change, and I have been trying to decide if I want to continue the relationship because he isn't changing

Something from just today. OK it is Saturday - we both woke up at the same time we hadn't made any specific plans for today, I explained to him that I need to run an errand (to get his Valentine Day gift and run to the store, didn't tell him that) said I would be back probably in an hour. OK, he says he has to run an errand also, I said OK. About a half hour before he leaves I ask how long is he going to be gone - he said 3 or 4 hours. I ask him where are you going? he didn't tell me. Maybe I'll find out when he returns. I think he went to a movie

 

[fetaby]

Well it seems you're making the right moves, whatever those are. I think you two have different opinions of what being in a relationship means. You both want different things. That's how it was for me and my ex, if that says anything.

 

[Corny]

I know that feeling .. the more time that you spend with him - the more you want to be alone.
Some people are just more the "lonesome" persons. But I do believe that you can make it work with a partner. You both need space .. as you said .. you are happy if he is in the other room. You both need to have rooms You need to be able to live together but to be separated at the same time. And if you want to be together, meet in the living room or so Spend your day separated - but have dinner together, do something nice for the evening and go to bed together

 

[DigitalFudge]

All you need to do is step back from the situation, that means getting some you time. Inhale and exhale and see what that voice is telling you.

It will be hard to make a decision while you are in the midst of the dilemma. That extra amount of clarity you get may either give you the strength to walk away or be able to see what was causing you conflict and approach it.

This is just me, and a lot of people disagree with me but whenever you want to change things or fix things, that will only bring to you more things to change and fix. Especially regarding people. Im not saying give up as soon as something you don't like happens, I just always come back to the quote "If someone shows you who they are, believe them"

 

[UC3543]

.

This is just me, and a lot of people disagree with me but whenever you want to change things or fix things, that will only bring to you more things to change and fix. Especially regarding people. Im not saying give up as soon as something you don't like happens, I just always come back to the quote "If someone shows you who they are, believe them"

I agree with you 100%. There are many things about him I wish were different, but it is unfair for me to expect him to change and it is unfair for me to try and change him. (perhaps some marginal change is possible, and certainly improvement is possible) He wants to have sex at most once per week, I want it more often, he's not going to change me into wanting it less anymore that I'm going to change him in wanting it more. Same thing with a lot of other issues

So what I'm having trouble deciding is if I want to spend the rest of my life with him just as he is because we have been together for 2 years and it would be ignorant of me to expect anything to change. The hard part is that nothing he does is a deal breaker, he's faithful, he loyal, he's a good person

 

[lunarus]

Wow...

Reading all of your posts it seems like there are more things you Dislike about him then you like.

You must remember you are two different people with two different thought processes. If he liked and did everything you wanted and like then I think you would find fault there.

Now before you think I am coming off as an asshole to you, I want to assure you I am not trying to.

Let me try to explain how a relationship lives and breathes only if you allow it to.

I have been with my man for over twenty years now. Is there things that drive me bat shit crazy about him. YES! And I like you want it more in the sack then him, but I deal. You have hands don't you?

Are there times when I want to be far far away from him? YES! But I realize when he is gone I miss him and all of his annoying traits.

There can and will be and have been days we are together not 2 feet from one another and spoke about two words to each other. Not out of anger just wrapped up in doing our own things. It is just how we do things sometimes.

I am more needing of affection then he is, IE I like to be close to him, snuggling(ugh I hate that term, makes me sound like a teenage girl) at any rate, he doesn't function that way, family upbringing and all.

And I am sure there are a multitudes of things I do that aggravate the shit out of him.

What I am trying to say here is that a relationship takes work, and there will always be things and situations that get under your skin in reference to your mate. The difference is how you deal with with it. Will you just brush it off with a laugh remembering all the things about him that make you happy, or will you dwell on letting it fester till it ruins all the things about him that make you happy?

Just remember the things we hate in other others are usually the things we hate in ourselves.

Again sorry if I come off like an ass, if you love him like you say you do and he you, then you work on issues affecting the relationship. Rome wasn't built in a day...

 

[UC3543]

Wow...

Reading all of your posts it seems like there are more things you Dislike about him then you like.

..

If that is what it seems like then i've done a horrible job describing my thoughts and feelings in this thread. Actually there is very little dislike about him except for little minor annoyances. Those minor annoyances have just recently started to get on my nerves and that concerns me. It isn't the things I dislike that has me worried about us, it is the lack of the really good things that have worried me for at least 9 months.

If someone were to ask me to make a list of the 5 most memorable times we spent together, memorable days, memorable activities. I might be able to come up with 2 and even those aren't that great. Shouldn't there easily be 5 days or 5 memorable times we spent together where we tell the story to each other and laugh or there are fond memories or something like that. The few times we have really had fun it was the event moe so than being with him

 

[pocono]

I'm no relationship expert, but the more men I meet the more I like my boyfriend.
Now he isn't perfect...like me , but my life is much richer with him. If you can say the same...just enjoy some alone time when the minor annoyances happen.

 

[lunarus]

If that is what it seems like then i've done a horrible job describing my thoughts and feelings in this thread. Actually there is very little dislike about him except for little minor annoyances. Those minor annoyances have just recently started to get on my nerves and that concerns me. It isn't the things I dislike that has me worried about us, it is the lack of the really good things that have worried me for at least 9 months.

If someone were to ask me to make a list of the 5 most memorable times we spent together, memorable days, memorable activities. I might be able to come up with 2 and even those aren't that great. Shouldn't there easily be 5 days or 5 memorable times we spent together where we tell the story to each other and laugh or there are fond memories or something like that. The few times we have really had fun it was the event moe so than being with him

There is and never will be a set number of anything in a relationship. Also if you are looking for movie type of memorable moments it isn't going to happen.

See we all fall into this trap of how our relationships are suppose to be. We are conditioned at an early age to see everything through hollywood's rose colored glasses. Be it bad or good. Be it straight or gay, we wait for those hollywood moments to sweep us off our feet and carry us to never never land of relationship bliss. We strive to have that one perfect relationship where everything is good and fine and we do not have a care in the world. I hate to tell you but it will never happen...

Relationships are messy little creatures that take time and nurturing to bring them to the place we want and need them them to be. It is what you make them to be. Those memorable moments you want to cherish with your man, not what you see in other's relationship. The first time you met. The first date. The first time you really laughed at something he said. Hell it could be as mundane as the time he he went grocery shopping and picked up your favorite snack without you asking him to.

Sure there will be times where he will pluck you very last nerve and you'll want to smother him with a pillow, but there will also be times when he just look at him and KNOW this man loves you for you. Including your faults and the things that irritate him concerning you.

Okay with that said you seem really unsure of whether you really want to be with him now that you are officially moving in together. Is it the lack of My space that is worrying you? Are you afraid you will get bored in the relationship after a time, or have you gotten to that point now? Do you love him enough to look past those little things that annoy you? Answer those questions because once you two are living together it will be a hell of a lot harder to separate.

In closing let me say this. As a gay man of 37 in the good O'l USA it is not and was not easy finding my man. I went through a lot of screwed on men in my journey to find him. And with all his faults that at times drive me to the brink, I would rather die than give him up. He is my partner, my best friend and my soul mate. And yes there are times I would like to throttle him but all I have to do is look at him and KNOW he loves me for me no matter what.

 

[UC3543]

We did break up last weekend. I'm convinced it was for the best. its been very difficult though