Do they know? And how?

[BiGuy1970]

I'm a closeted fem gay man. I'm in my early 50's. I live in Redneckville, Tx << joking, not joking. I had my first gay penetration as an adult, about 10 years ago, and it was so good, I almost fell in love with the man. Since then, I've gotten married to a woman, got into crossdressing and explored my sexuality with her. And of course, like all crossdressing gay men, I ended up divorced.

Throughout my life, I've always known that I wasn't the alpha-male type. Being sexually attracted to men was something that sort of came and went. When it came, it was an explosion inside the mind. Something that I almost dwelled on, until my reality came back to the forefront. My reality being that I had to be straight for everyone around me. And then, honestly, I was OK with that. Simply because I loved those around me. I loved the relationships I had with them. "Them" being my wife, girlfriends, my kids, co workers. I enjoyed them as they were, and didn't want to change anything. Especially for my kids. Maybe they would've supported me. Maybe not. It didn't matter because I love what I have with them.

But sometimes, in some situations, be it a look from across the room, a point being made by someone, I get the feeling that I'm not hiding my sexuality as much as I think. Like when I get into a conversation with one of my brothers. He rarely looks at anyone in the eyes when he's talking. But when he's talking to me about "rope suckers" (as he calls them), he looks me straight in the eyes.
Once I was having a normal conversation with a co worker on break. We somehow got into a discussion about gays. She said you can usually spot them by the way they hold their cigarettes. "They usually hold it closer to the end of their fingers." I looked down, and sure enough, I was holding it closer to my fingernails.
And there's other instances of "getting the feeling they know." But I'll leave that for later, if this thread goes anywhere.

This reminds me of that part in Brokeback Mountain where he asked the other guy if he sometimes feels like others know....

 

[KaraBulut]

...Do they know? And how? ..

Do they know? Maybe, maybe not.

But they do suspect something is up, even if they aren't sure exactly what.

In reading your story, the question in my mind was, "Is he gay? Or is he trans?".

 

[BiGuy1970]

Do they know? Maybe, maybe not.

But they do suspect something is up, even if they aren't sure exactly what.

In reading your story, the question in my mind was, "Is he gay? Or is he trans?".

First off, thank you so much for replying.


I'm definitely not a trans. I enjoy my dick. And have no thoughts about changing genders. Crossdressing is more of a hobby.

After I posted this, I remembered when I worked out of town with a guy on a construction job. We shared a motel room together. One day he came out of the restroom, after his shower, butt naked, facing me. His cock was so frigging HUGE. I wanted to stare at it. Hell, I wanted to touch it. But my straight acting self told him "Put that monster away." It dawned on me that several months later, we were joking in the office about something, and called me a "gayper."

I suppose even all the chicks I'd picked up, screwed and dated around him, none of that mattered because of the way I must've come across, unknowingly.

I suppose all of this is coming from wanting a change in my life. To try something different. Like being around gay men. Dating them. Letting it be known to some people (not my family or straight friends), that I want to do this. The mental BS going on about being in the closet is knowing that if I'm already suspected of being gay, even by close friends and family, that would make it a LOT easier to come out. It's like I'm almost hoping that everyone knows that I'm hiding.

 

[KaraBulut]

First off, thank you so much for replying.

I'm definitely not a trans. I enjoy my dick. And have no thoughts about changing genders. Crossdressing is more of a hobby.

The concepts of gender or "trans" is more complicated that just dicks and pussies. I'm not the best person to explain it and it's something that I'm still trying to understand myself.

It might be that your cross-dressing is more of a fetish but some of the things that your said about femininity and sexual expression did remind me of things that other gender non-comforming members of JUB have said.

...I suppose all of this is coming from wanting a change in my life. To try something different. Like being around gay men. Dating them. Letting it be known to some people (not my family or straight friends), that I want to do this. The mental BS going on about being in the closet is knowing that if I'm already suspected of being gay, even by close friends and family, that would make it a LOT easier to come out. It's like I'm almost hoping that everyone knows that I'm hiding.

When you're in your teens and 20s, the impressions and judgments of other people is important.

But at this point in your life, you've been married, you've lived your life based upon society's terms. At what point does this become your life to live in the way that makes you happy?

 

[BiGuy1970]

The concepts of gender or "trans" is more complicated that just dicks and pussies. I'm not the best person to explain it and it's something that I'm still trying to understand myself.

It might be that your cross-dressing is more of a fetish but some of the things that your said about femininity and sexual expression did remind me of things that other gender non-comforming members of JUB have said.

I think I see what you're saying. But no, I enjoy my man down there. He's brought me a lot of pleasure in my life. Don't wanna lose that. And darn sure don't want to go through all those "treatments" and drugs, only to still be a man pretending to be a woman. Regardless of how fem I feel sometimes.

When you're in your teens and 20s, the impressions and judgments of other people is important.

But at this point in your life, you've been married, you've lived your life based upon society's terms. At what point does this become your life to live in the way that makes you happy?

I get that. It makes a lot of sense. The relationship I have with my now grown kids, is good. The few friends I have, that part of my life is also good. But there's not enough of either. And it's created a void in my life. Maybe I'm just trying to fill that void with something I've sometimes enjoyed (being cozy with another man). I've only had a few encounters with me. I've got one pretty close gay friend. Who's absolutely the best.

I'm not so sure how much happiness comes with being out. I've known a few where just as miserable as straight people.