Do you believe in lifelong relationships? (Brace yourselves! Questions are coming!)

[Ganoderma]

hi Coward92,

Good you have made this posting over here, and also welcome to J U B. I was wondering if you are living as an open gay (so are all other friendly gays around you aware that you = Coward92 is a gay guy?), and I was also wondering about your age. Where do you live, and what's the general attitude in your country towards GLBT people? Are you a student, or do you have a job? Do you live by yourself or do you live together with your family? Are your parents / is your family aware that you are gay?

Do you have straight friends (= guys who know that you are gay), and do you happen to have female friends (=girls who are aware that you are gay)?

Ofcourse, there are loads and loads of gay guys with whom you can become friends without having sex with them. Would you mind to tell us abit more about your 2 year long personal crisis?

Just some questions to get a better picture about who you are. Please be aware that you don't need to answer them when you feel uncomfortable to give specific details about your personal life.

There are lots and lots of people over here on J U B who like to become friends with you.

Best wishes & good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

Well, my husband and I have been together 29 years and there are plenty of JUBBERS in long term relationships. There are gay guys everywhere with a desire for the same. There are also vast numbers of people, gay, straight and bi, who like to play and many people go through a play period before committing themselves. Because its not a convention with name tags we generally wade through many, many people during our "dating" period. What helps during that time is patience and friends.

Being out is almost a prerequisite. Furtiveness is debilitating and only worth it in dangerous or oppressive societies. A young, club crowd is full of fun-seekers getting a joyous vibe from the fun atmosphere, but even there not all people can be categorized the same, but it's difficult to get past the noise and the activity to see people for who they are. The best approach is a multifaceted one. Being out and putting yourself in as many situations as possible to be around other gay people, organizations, activities and the clubs if they suit you.

If there are personality or emotional issues weighing you down they are best sorted out in a therapeutic setting. We all ought to have the goal of being able to be healthy and productive with or without a partner. We may all have times in our lives when we need to lean on others, but no matter how long they last they ought to be temporary. A well-rounded, independent person makes the healthiest partner.

I wish you well. Continue your journey with a sense of confidence.

 

[racer2438]

My honey and I have been together for 28 yrs, and yes LTR's do happen. But one has to work very hard, be honest, communicate, plenty of love. The rest falls in place.

Honesty begins with yourself, so if your not out and open then it's like little bricks in your wall that one can stumble on. Closeted LTR's don't seem to work out very well and it would seem they may be to afraid of being seem, talked about and so on. But if one is out, to us only--that crap does not bother us. as we know who we are and where we are going, and mostly who we are with.

LTR's are not for some, and are great for others, depends on what you are loking for in your life and at that stage of your life. Some just like f-w/benifits, some just hook-up's, and some just look for LTR.

We can say that if one is looking for a LTR, and you find someone, there is no greater feeling of happiness. I wish those in LTR's great happiness/success and those looking for it, to be patient, carefull, and don't be in a rush.

Everyone is different, and we all like and need diferent things in our life's, at diferent times.

 

[Maklaar13]

My partner and I have been together for 29 years. The thing I find most amazing about it is that I was not looking for a relationship or love when we met. I consider myself complicated, somewhat unreasonable, and very insecure. I was completely aware of what I thought were many faults and somewhat prepared to live my life alone. I was not depressed about it, I just thought that because of my insecurities and doubts I could never find someone to spend and enjoy life with. All that changed with time. Nobody is perfect! We all have our faults and the more we learn about them the more we are prepared for sharing our life with someone else.

 

[CowboyBob]

My partner and I were together for 20 years. He died of cancer 4.5 years ago. We loved each other very much and I still miss him like mad.

You have to give of yourself in a successful relationship. It's all about honesty, trust, communication and caring for the other person. Some people can't place another one above themselves but that's what I did for him and he did likewise.

Those were the best 20 years of my life and I'll never fine another man as wonderful as he.

 

[ibill1]

Like others have mentioned, I also was in a relationship for 33yrs. He died of a massive heart attack and my world collapsed for awhile. Like Cowboy stated they were the best years of my life and, for me, there will never be another man as wonderful as he was. I had the advantage of meeting him when we were 17 and we pretty much grew up together. Instead of growing apart as we got older, we just kept growing closer and closer to each other. As you can see, quite a few of us have had LTR, and your time will come since that is what you seek.

 

[Howlly]

You're NOT alone.
I cannot stand the thought of sleeping around, the furthest I've gone without being in a Relationship is oral with a friend of mine.
There are others out there like you, just don't give up.

 

[Lube]

There are plenty of guys that want an LTR, I just wouldn't say they're in the majority.

 

[mooncake]

I was trying to replace him for two years, and in the process I lost who I was.

There are many advices I wish to pass to you. They all comes back to one thing.

LOVE YOURSELF.

You must accept and love yourself, faults and all, before you can love and accept others for the person they are. Don't change yourself for a future partner you have not met. Change yourself because you want to be a better person, for you, because you deserve happiness and fulfillment and everything good in life.

If you have the mean to migrate to a more gay friendly country and prepare to do so then do it. If staying in Hungary mean you don't see a way to be happy in the future then there is no reason to stay.

There are probably gay people in long term relationship in your country. You can't see them because you don't know where to look. When you do meet these people, you can learn how they does it.

All the best.

 

[JayHawk]

Coward,
I wish you the best of luck in your search. I would tell you that many people search or are looking for the right guy. Some folks will say anything to go to bed with you including that they want a relationship. However if you stay true to yourself and to your goal then love is out there for you. Be sure to tell people you date that you desire to be in a relationship one day. But don't make it the focus of a date or two. I was in a 9 year relationship and I found my self trying to avoid the dating part and go directly into a relationship with guys. They sense it and run away screaming...

There is good advice above. Love yourself and explore and meet people. Someday you will find the guy you can live with forever.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Coward92,

Thanks for your nice and friendly reply and please excuse me for some delay in giving you an answer. Well, you will be aware that there are many, many long-term bonds between gay guys in countries like The Netherlands and Germany. Over here, in The Netherlands, same-sex marriage is already possible for around 10 years. In the meanwhile, there are loads and loads of male/male and female/female couples who got married and who live together for already many years. Same like the guys who already have reacted on your topic.

I tend to think that you should try not too bother too much about the issues of your mom (and of the issues of all other people who don't want to accept that you are gay). They are the narrow-minded and bigotted ones, and not you. Besides that, alot of the people with such bigotted and narrow-minded ideas are unable to change their mind. They show symptoms of brain-washing (same like reli-fundi christians), and its senseless to debate / discuss with such people.

It is good that you have several straight friends and other people who accept you who you are. In fact, most open gays live more or less like you. They just don't hide that they are gay, and they also don't tell their friends that its not allowed to tell anyone that you are gay. So they don't walk around with a cap with 'I am gay' (or things like that), but they also don't hide that they are gay (they assume that the 'news' will go around). Such open gays (including me and alot of other people) don't bother at all what 'other people' think about them. Ofcourse, all good friend will be aware that they are gay. So I don't bother to tell all people (I know loads and loads) that I am gay. I assume they will find out (or they talk about it with other people), sooner or later, or otherwise I will tell them.

Furthermore, don't force yourself to become friends with people (gay or straight) who have totally different opionions about life (including sex) compared to your opinions. Take your time to learn people, and don't mingle with cock-hungry sex addicts when you feel very uncomfortable in such a situation. Besides that, you are still recovering from a bad relationship. Such a recovery takes time, and often quite alot of time.

I am quite sure that there are also other, serious gay guys living in Hungary. I have no doubt about that. Maybe some of your straight friends even have a gay brother/cousin or whatever. Apparently, your university does not has some sort of queer group / GLBT group / GSA (gay/straight/alliance)?

Ever thought to become an exchange student in another EU country for a while, eg through Erasmus Student Exchange programme http://www.esn.org/content/erasmus-programme see also http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erasmus_Programme In my hometowen there are loads and loads of foreign students from other EU countries who do this study though Erasmus system.

So go on with your mental grow, and take your time. Quite sure, there are also be alot of serious fellow-students at your university.

Good luck and feel free to react.

 

[Seasoned]

Try to continue to live with hope. The situation you describe for yourself was my life as a young man in the US. It will take your part of Europe some time but change is coming. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing insofar as meeting people. Even in Hungary gay people have found love and commitment. It's more difficult and frustrating, I know, but still possible. Are you ever able to visit the larger cities of Western Europe? There, you could have some relief from being stifled. I hope you stay connected with any new found friends you find here. Please stay optimistic even as you need to remain hidden.