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Do you have an ex-lover that you still wish you can be with?

F

fallinlove

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Almost three years after my breakup with literally the best guy ever, I still can't move on with my life, can't stop thinking of him, can't stop regretting that we broke up over nonsense. We were both in our late 30s and talked about marriage, and suddenly ended it over silly fears.

I did everything I can do to move on (including 1.5 years of zero contact with him..), but after all this time I'm still at the conclusion that he was the best match for me. He's a super nice guy. Even my therapist said it's just a tragedy we're not together.

Any advice from the wiser ones on here? Or am I destined to just have this "the one that got away" pain for the rest of my life? :(
 
Well you can either try to reconnect and see if there's anything left of your relationship...or you can just suck it up and stop letting it be the 'reason'why you can't move on.

Maybe try to view it as a death...something so permanent that it can't be undone.

I can't imagine that if you had deep feelings for one another that unless it was a toxic, hateful breakup that you wouldn't wnat each other to be happy in life.

So do it.
 
rareboy said:
Maybe try to view it as a death...something so permanent that it can't be undone.
Click to expand...

This actually worked for me with people in my life that I loved but were just too toxic or disruptive. I mourn and let go. Good advice in my humble opinion. Life is short.
 
fallinlove said:
Almost three years after my breakup with literally the best guy ever, I still can't move on with my life, can't stop thinking of him, can't stop regretting that we broke up over nonsense. We were both in our late 30s and talked about marriage, and suddenly ended it over silly fears.

I did everything I can do to move on (including 1.5 years of zero contact with him..), but after all this time I'm still at the conclusion that he was the best match for me. He's a super nice guy. Even my therapist said it's just a tragedy we're not together.

Any advice from the wiser ones on here? Or am I destined to just have this "the one that got away" pain for the rest of my life? :(
Click to expand...


What is his relationship status? Is he available?

How long were you together before the breakup?
 
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Ok, one more question;

Does your therapist know him, or only your version of him?
 
rareboy said:
Well you can either try to reconnect and see if there's anything left of your relationship...or you can just suck it up and stop letting it be the 'reason'why you can't move on.

Maybe try to view it as a death...something so permanent that it can't be undone.

I can't imagine that if you had deep feelings for one another that unless it was a toxic, hateful breakup that you wouldn't wnat each other to be happy in life.

So do it.
Click to expand...

We had no contact for almost 2 years after the breakup, so it was kinda like a "death". I hated it.

We did finally reconnect and kept in touch here and there. I absolutely wanted to get back together. He's such a unique, wonderful, calm guy, and it's so easy to live with him....never any drama. I just still adore him. Ughh
 
Yeah I have an ex I would love to still be with
It was 35 years ago and he moved on and ended up with a woman
We are still in touch. He is single now but, although he is now back into guys, it has been way to long for anything to happen
It is nice that we still have a friendship though
 
Kahaih said:
What is his relationship status? Is he available?

How long were you together before the breakup?
Click to expand...

We were in a serious relationship for three years. He was available up until recently..he seems to have fallen hard for a guy. That's what he told me.

My therapist didn't know him:) I get what you mean... but I put him on a pedestal from the day I met him. Not just when we broke up and couldn't have him anymore.
 
LeicsDom said:
Yeah I have an ex I would love to still be with
It was 35 years ago and he moved on and ended up with a woman
We are still in touch. He is single now but, although he is now back into guys, it has been way to long for anything to happen
It is nice that we still have a friendship though
Click to expand...

Does it hurt you that you "could have" had him all those years, but didnt?
 
If you try to get back together with your ex, you will have to come to a resolution of the issues that caused your breakup, or it won't work. And how does your ex feel about it? Is he willing to give the relationship another try, or has he moved on?

It sounds like you're stuck here. If you "need" him to fulfill your life, instead of desiring to come together to share your wholeness, there may be an unhealthy dynamic working on your part. You may work on developing yourself with new interests apart from your ex, so you don't spend all your time obsessing about him. Take care of your own needs, and realize that you will have a future, whether or not Mr. ex fits in it or not.
 
For me I would never go back --my relationships have been informative and part of life---you can look back just don't stare--obviously if he is ok with getting back together well try but I bet he isn't---but silly fears is a good excuse when one of you doesn't feel good about it.
 
Araucaria said:
If you try to get back together with your ex, you will have to come to a resolution of the issues that caused your breakup, or it won't work. And how does your ex feel about it? Is he willing to give the relationship another try, or has he moved on?

It sounds like you're stuck here. If you "need" him to fulfill your life, instead of desiring to come together to share your wholeness, there may be an unhealthy dynamic working on your part. You may work on developing yourself with new interests apart from your ex, so you don't spend all your time obsessing about him. Take care of your own needs, and realize that you will have a future, whether or not Mr. ex fits in it or not.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't say he closed the door and moved on. He says he has trouble dating others because he still compares everyone to me. But he "in principle" doesn't believe exes should get back together, so he won't even give it a try. Sometimes I feel like he's fighting hard not to rekindle the relationship.

Thanks for your advice. Easier said than done, but I'll try. I guess I have a fear of being alone or ending up with someone that would make me unhappy. Any guy who ends up with him would be lucky..
 
No. I'm still on good terms with two of my ex-LTRs, but I have never wanted to get back together with either of them.
 
First, I will say that I would entertain reuniting with my ex if he were widowed, which is likely, as he married a man 40 years his senior and has never been monogamous. But, it isn't because it is a singular alignment or that we even have so much in common. We simply were very at ease together and are still connected. We don't chat often, only once or twice a year, but we both care for each other, despite a great distance and very different lives. We never stopped being friends. I don't have any burning desire or a plan, just open to the possibility that Fate may not be through with us yet.

As for your scenario, please know this. This wonderful guy loved YOU. That says everything. The fact that you are not willing to move on from him is your challenge, which isn't news to you or us. Admittedly, I have a long history of falling for many men, many kinds of men, if not having relationships with them, so it is hard for me to empathize as fully as I would like. But, I do fully understand your lovesickness.

You must stop pulling off the bandage and picking at the wound. People who are happy in love will be happy in love again, but you must do your part. You must try to build another house rather than revisiting the site of the one that burned down. You worry that the new one will not be as grand or will never be good enough, but you're in the way of your own happiness. Once you build something and live there, it will become you and you will grow into it.

Be thankful for what you had, but use it to help you appreciate the next man, and the next if it is to be. Many men have great attributes, as well has clay feet. Consider what you found in him that completed you so well and start looking for it. There are more gay men out there now that at any time before with our population so high. Keep looking. Don't make it your reason for being, but continue building a life that will be attractive to the right man, too.

Best to you. Thank you for sharing your heartache. We all have our own path to follow, but it is nice when sharing it helps others, and you did.
 
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fallinlove said:
. . . .
He was available up until recently..he seems to have fallen hard for a guy. That's what he told me.

. . . .
Click to expand...

Case closed.

Even if that's just his way out of the topic/conversation.
 
fallinlove said:
Does it hurt you that you "could have" had him all those years, but didnt?
Click to expand...

No, because he wouldn't have been happy. He would have felt he was missing out. He has a son now and he would have bitterly regretted not having the chance to be a father
 
No.

At the end of the day I still love him and we are on pretty good terms. So even though things changed, at least we can still have a deep friendship.
 
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