Do you need to be out for a serious relationship to work?

[JaydenLuke]

I just want some opinions. I really want to be in a relationship, but I don't think I am ready to be out yet. And I would only ever want to be in a serious relationship. And I know that if I was with someone I would love them to death and treat them really well, but I just don't think im ready for everyone to know yet. So could I ever have a relationship before I am ready to tell everyone, or am I gonna be stuck waiting even longer?

And because im not out...I don't even know how to find someone. but im tired of being alone.

 

[SayWhat]

I'm sure there are people out there that understand your situation and would be willing to give it a shot anyway. I'd say it really depends on the person's values, though. For instance, if a guy is very close with his family and introduces you to them, he could take it personally that you hide him from your family. Likewise, if you try to hide him from your friends, he may feel left out. I think it really depends on the degree of secrecy you're going for -- I don't know many people that wouldn't eventually feel self conscious if they felt like you were ashamed of your relationship.

 

[Rolyo85]

Tough love:

No, you can't have a serious relationship from the closet. There's also the side issue that your ideas of a relationship seem naive, but I guess that's just lack of experience, so I'm not worried about that. You'll learn.

BUT

A serious relationship is something that permeates your entire life and influences every aspect of it. It is something your family knows about and is a part of, something your friends know about and are a part of. A relationship of ANY kind is never an isolated situation, it is part of the whole social experience of life. And this applies thousandfold for romantic relationships.

It is of course possible to have a serious relationship in the closet - when it comes to interpersonal interaction, almost everything is "possible" - but it is a one in a million chance, and it will still be flawed and not entirely fulfilling. Because being in a closet impacts a relationship in a million ways - big and small - that you can't even begin to think about right now.

Were I you, I'd focus on myself, on what is keeping me in the closet, and what I need to do to come out. Once you are comfortable with yourself, you will both have the outlets to meet guys, AND be more attractive to them. If you need advice with that, feel free to shoot me a PM

 

[Illmatic]

Im in the same situation as you are but I THINK you can not have one without being out, no experience though

 

[Scealle]

I think it depends on people. I am out to almost 95% of my friends (from high school to college) and even though I am pretty bold when it comes to chasing after the guys I like I still find it hard to actually find any gay guy to even stay friends with me in real life not to mention a serious relationship.

 

[pilotguy121a]

Depends on your situation. How old are you? Do you live with your parents or with people you don't want to know you are gay? For me, I lived with my parents and I met a really great guy (my current boyfriend) but I wasn't out. I realized that he lived a fine life being out and no one he worked with cared. For me, that was reason enough to come out of the closet. I couldn't imagine having a serious relationship without being out.

If you live alone and are independent, then I think it is different and possible.

 

[Seasoned]

It's possible to have a secret life. Just ask anyone who's been in a long term affair, but it works best if both people are keeping the same secret. There is a toll with secrets, however. Being in the closet is already one secret; being in a relationship at the same time is two secrets.

 

[JaydenLuke]

Thank you to everyone who answered. But I do have to say sometimes...people just come off so rude and inconsiderate of others feelings when they say some of the things they say. I wont say names but words are hurtful people. please don't just assume things about my that I have not stated. write what u want to say carefully and be polite. I don't appreciate rude people.

 

[Rolyo85]

Feel free to say names. If it's me, I'd be happy to elaborate. Because from where I'm standing, nobody in the topic has assumed anything. But don't forget, that all of us have also been in the closet, and most of us have been here long enough to have seen a huge amount of people coming with similar problems. One thing about the closet and its issues - they are usually the same for everyone. We all go through the same motions.

Whether something is offensive to you or not, everything in this thread has been written with the goal to help you.

From the number of "Hey, I'm on Skype" topics that you've posted, I can tell that you need to connect with other gay people. In your previous thread in this subsection you were too afraid to add a guy you went to school with on Facebook, which tells me being closeted is making you paranoid at this point. You never told us whether you even contacted the guy after he accepted the request, or not. All of this tells me you have the need to reach out, but are too afraid to do it. This is an internal conflict that's extremely harmful to you, and nobody can sustain a relationship of any kind - serious or casual - with that amount of pressure inside.

Trust me, nobody here is out to get you. But we've been where you are. And we know the grass is greener on this side. Letting go of your fear is hard, but you'll be wondering why you didn't do it earlier once you manage.

 

[Ganoderma]

I really want to be in a relationship, but I don't think I am ready to be out yet. (.....). So could I ever have a relationship before I am ready to tell everyone, or am I gonna be stuck waiting even longer? (...). I don't even know how to find someone. but im tired of being alone.

hi JaydenLuke,

I tend to think that you have to realize yourself that you will need to start with lying to several people around you, including your friends and family, when you will have a serious relationship with another guy. Right now, your behaviour towards these people can be described as hiding: you keep on pretending that you are interested in girls, but that you have not yet found a girlfriend (or things like that, you are 26, so people around you will have their thoughts about you why you don't have a girlfriend).

Your hiding behaviour is relatively easy because you are single. Anyone around you is aware of this status. Definately, things will change when you have a serious relationschip with a guy / a partner / boyfriend / close gay friends. How do you see this in your real life? Do you like to start lying towards people about this important part of your life? Do you realize yourself that being in the closet and having a boyfriend will cause alot of stress? And how about him? Quite a few open gay guys might not be happy that you are in the closet and that they will need to hide their friendship / relationship with you.

On the other hand, having a serious relationship with another guy is an easy way to out yourself. No need to tell people anymore, as you just start incorporating Him in your daily life (including online, eg on Facebook) and you simply introduce Him to others whenever you meet others when you are together with Him (etc.). Same like most straight guys also don't need to tell that they are straight: they just start to incorporate the girlfriend in their social life.

So what makes you think that you are not yet ready to be out?

Good luck and feel free to react.