Do you think my boyfriend is gay/bi?

[QuickQuestion]

Hello, i know this forum is for men, but one of my gay friends suggested it to me after talking to him about this topic.

I'm getting worried that my boyfriend may have feelings for another man. It's not the cliche tight clothes / obsessed with appearance stuff that I've seen in other posts, though.

He has a gay best friend and they used to live together. They way they interact struck me a couple in a relationship when I first met him. But he assured me he wasn't gay. Honestly, I was a little pushy about making our relationship official after we had been casually dating for so long. But he wouldn't ever commit... That is until he and his best friend ended on bad terms and his friend moved out.

Everything was fine for a while after that. But after about 4 or 5 months, they started talking again and I immediately noticed a difference. He wasn't affectionate with me anymore. He didn't quote cute little songs or go out of his way to talk to me when we weren't together. Then his friend visited from out of town. The way they teased each other with playful name calling and touching freaked me out. And when he left, they hugged each other in the airport for like 10 seconds. He won't even show PDA's like that with me and I'm his girlfriend!!

I casually mentioned something about it to his sister. I was surprised when she mentioned that everyone (friends, family, ex's) thought he was playing for the other team when they started hanging out. She said they used to sleep in the same bed, even.

And finally, I noticed that my boyfriend never acts the same around different crowds. He acts one way with me, one way with his sisters, one way with his brothers, one way with his parents, and one way with his other guy friends. Not to mention the way he acts around his "bestie." its like he doesnt havreq default personality. Like a social chameleon. Do you think it's possible that he's in denial or trying to hide his true sexual orientation?

Thank you so much for your advice. I hope this doesn't offend anyone.

 

[anchihiro]

Its possible, your best way of knowing is...ahem in the bedroom. But he could be bi, he may have experimented previously with this guy but i guess so what if he is with you when he could be with the gay guy. Ask him.

 

[Rand]

The truth is something only he can share with you. From what you wrote, to me he sounds like a person trying to please everyone and only secure / himself with his former roommate. Don't know what kind of relationship they had / have.

The real question is what is it you want, what are you willing to settle for. You have your life a head of you - how do you want to live it and with whom? Best of luck,

Rand

 

[Rolyo85]

The social chameleon thing is something I also do, I don't think it's a factor in one's sexuality.

It could be either way. He might be gay/bi and in denial, or he might just be REALLY GOOD friends with the guy. All my best friends are straight guys, and I have shared a bed with most of them on multiple occasions. I've never tried anything, nor ever will, and they are perfectly comfortable with me. And trust me, it's MUCH easier to have PDAs with friends than with your bf/gf.

The change in his attitude might be due to him seeing the chance of getting back "together" with his "best friend", or it might be a coincidence, having to do with something between the two of you that you are not aware of/do not want to admit. OR it might be purely in your head.

I know I'm not much help, but my point is it's highly unlikely anyone here will give you a definite answer. Honestly, he doesn't really sound gay/bi to me. He just sounds like he isn't that much into you. The only way to know is confront him about it, but not accusingly. If he IS gay/bi and has been in the closet/denial, do not automatically assume the role of victim. This is a very hard thing for many guys to deal with.

 

[sixthson]

While it is important to you whether he is straight, gay or bi, it should be even more important to you why he treats his best friend better than you. You have alot to think about and alot to talk to him about before you move forward with your relationship. Now is the time to work things out. Good luck, let us know what happens.

 

[QuickQuestion]

The social chameleon thing is something I also do, I don't think it's a factor in one's sexuality.

It could be either way. He might be gay/bi and in denial, or he might just be REALLY GOOD friends with the guy. All my best friends are straight guys, and I have shared a bed with most of them on multiple occasions. I've never tried anything, nor ever will, and they are perfectly comfortable with me. And trust me, it's MUCH easier to have PDAs with friends than with your bf/gf.

The change in his attitude might be due to him seeing the chance of getting back "together" with his "best friend", or it might be a coincidence, having to do with something between the two of you that you are not aware of/do not want to admit. OR it might be purely in your head.

I know I'm not much help, but my point is it's highly unlikely anyone here will give you a definite answer. Honestly, he doesn't really sound gay/bi to me. He just sounds like he isn't that much into you. The only way to know is confront him about it, but not accusingly. If he IS gay/bi and has been in the closet/denial, do not automatically assume the role of victim. This is a very hard thing for many guys to deal with.

I didn't mean that being a social chameleon was a specific indicator of sexual orientation, but I think it does represent the desire to hide parts of himself from everyone. I'm just coupling it with this due to the context. If he's not even comfortable with the way he talks and acts with all these people, he's obviously not going to reveal something that he already feels vulnerable for.

You're right... it could just be that he's suddenly not into me anymore. It just seems odd to me that it started as soon as they started talking again. There's a lot of subtle stuff that he does that paints a better picture. You'd probably have to see it in person to get what I mean by that. For instance, he is always touching this guy in some way, especially when he gets drunk. I understand that PDA's may be easier with friends, but he's not like with his other friends. And he's known most them for 10+ years and this guy has only been in the picture for year or two from what I understand.

It's really not that I feel like a victim. My brother came out when he was 21 and if you asked him or implied anything before that time, he would deny it until he was blue in the face. And he had plenty of girlfriends beforehand, too. So even though I haven't personally gone through it, I can sympathize because someone else I was close to did go through it. And to be honest, I'm having some serious deja vu right now. I just don't want to stress myself out or put pressure on him if this is something that's out of his control. I just don't know how to be there for him and not put myself in a vulnerable position, too. :/

 

[QuickQuestion]

While it is important to you whether he is straight, gay or bi, it should be even more important to you why he treats his best friend better than you. You have alot to think about and alot to talk to him about before you move forward with your relationship. Now is the time to work things out. Good luck, let us know what happens.

Honestly, it's not important to me whether he identifies as straight, gay, or bi. Everyone has their history before they get into a new relationship. Whether his history involves men, women, or both isn't a big deal for me. But you're right... The fact that he seems to be more affectionate toward his "bestie" than to his girlfriend of a year is what gets me.

 

[Rolyo85]

I think you should just talk to him, and tell him what you replied to me. About your brother and everything. Show that you are understanding and supportive, but also that you have your own life and you don't want to be his beard.

 

[bankside]

Honestly, it's not important to me whether he identifies as straight, gay, or bi. Everyone has their history before they get into a new relationship. Whether his history involves men, women, or both isn't a big deal for me. But you're right... The fact that he seems to be more affectionate toward his "bestie" than to his girlfriend of a year is what gets me.

A lot of truly, sincerely, straight guys are surprised how much they enjoy simple innocent affection with another guy, and how important it becomes to them. Often it's a gay guy that can actually bring a straight guy out of his shell. And once they wrap their heads around it, they wouldn't give up their gay best friends for anything because they have a certain kind of freedom to just hang out with another guy without the macho armour.

If anything, this is harder on young gay guys who mind their manners but secretly yearn for more, showing up on JUB and filling thread after thread with "how can i get him to try" and "is he secretly sending me signals" and so on.

When the gay guys mature a bit and find happiness with another gay guy in a relationship, they (we) learn the difference between a close male friend and a romance, and they start enjoying their friendships for the same reasons that the straight guys do: it's just nice to have someone to count on like that without it having to be about sex. When the gay guys figure that out, those relationships with their straight friends become a lot less complicated.

And we are all relieved on JUB because we get past the risk of all the "Hi I'm straight but my best friend put his hand on my dick while we were sleeping and I don't know why he had to go there because I can't go there and what do I do now because I don't want to lose my friend but that's not cool" threads.

You sound like a smart woman who can process all this intellectually before you let loose your emotions on the subject. The only fly in the ointment is if he is not actually a straight guy, but a gay guy in conflict doing his best to pretend to be straight and not being honest with either himself or you. I admire that you seem to just want honesty more than caring about his actual identity. But you are entitled to an answer, and to be able to see a solid path forward for your relationship.

I agree/suggest that the problem is not so much how close he is to this guy, but that he needs to have the same level of freedom and enthusiasm for you, especially since you are in a relationship as a couple. I'm not sure how you can figure out an answer from him but I think seeing the friend as the problem might be a distraction.

 

[Seasoned]

Frankly, no matter what his sexual orientation might be you deserve better. Perhaps he's friend material rather than boyfriend material as far as you are concerned. Let's say he can prove he's straight. How would that knowledge make your relationship better?

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Frankly, no matter what his sexual orientation might be you deserve better. Perhaps he's friend material rather than boyfriend material as far as you are concerned. Let's say he can prove he's straight. How would that knowledge make your relationship better?

The real question is what is it you want, what are you willing to settle for.

It's simple- Voice your concerns. They are something that have been making you unhappy and insecure about your relationship- It seems like he's getting elements of a relationship from his friendship and leaving you neglected (this is what is bothering you).- If you are feeling unhappy, there is something wrong- It's up to you both to figure out what it is and work on it. Or for you to walk away for your own mental health. If it's something he wants, he'll fight for it back, if he doesn't he wasn't worth it (Every guy is the one when you first meet, then when you are thinking about being alone it seems like there is no one out there). It's kind of obvious what you want. Searching for the whole gay thing isn't going to help you, though it would make your solution/options much easier.

My advice- Tell him that you are unhappy, this is why... Tell him that you notice him pulling back.. Tell him that makes you insecure and unhappy. See what he's willing to do to make it better. If he doesn't feel there isn't anything wrong, doesn't want to do anything. Walk. Find someone that will give you more then he is giving you. Be very short, and brief with doing this. Most of the time, if we talk to much we forget what we are even trying to say.

You seem like you have an open mind- You probably aren't crazy. Just don't be afraid to walk, it actually makes people more desirable tbh.

I am with Seasoned on this one though.

 

[KaraBulut]

Do you think my boyfriend is gay/bi?

Does it really matter?

In the end, what matters is whether you are happy and satisfied with your relationship with him- out of the bedroom and in the bedroom.

It is very hard for women to understand how men compartmentalize relationships. There are things that a guy will tell his best guy friend that he wouldn't tell his girlfriend and vice versa. And a lot of guys feel that they can relax around other guys where they are always on their best behavior around women.

As several others have hinted at, the underlying question to all of this is whether you're feeling insecure about your relationship with him. There's questions about all of this that you would need to ask him- we don't have the answers.

But a warning- before you ask those questions, you might want to make sure that you think about some of the possible answers. If your boyfriend has had a past relationship with another man, that's one thing. If this "bestie" is a best friend and a fuck buddy, that's another thing. If your boyfriend is truly bisexual, that could make your insecurities about his commitment to you even worse.

 

[tatertot]

I can tell you from experience, your relationship is doomed to fail if you don't talk about your feelings with him. It is very possible it may still not work out, but you need to be open about what you are feeling in order for there to even be a chance. Communication is key to make any relationship survive. From the way you described the situation, it certainly sounds like this friend of his is very special to him. If it is sexual or not, who knows. I can tell from the way you write that it bothers you especially with the way his behavior and affection toward you changed when this friend came back into his life. I can certainly understand how that can make you feel. Make it a point to sit down and just talk with him. Tell him how you feel about him and ask him how he feels about you. I understand it is difficult to bring something like this to him, but I think it would be important to let him know how you are feeling. I wouldn't ask him if he was gay or bi, but maybe just say that you noticed a change in him since his friend has returned. Be honest about your feelings. It is quite possible that this conversation with him could mean the end of your relationship, but then you would know it is not meant to be and you can move on. It is also possible that he may have not realized that he was doing this to you and was just excited to spend time with his friend. You don't know. You won't know until the two of you talk about it. I hope this helps.

 

[evanrick]

having a close male friend does not a homosexual make, nor a close female friend a heterosexual make.

its important to think of same sex relationships different than opposite sex ones or just do away with labels completely.

most men are homoerotic but few are homosexual. just because hes homoerotic doesnt make him a homosexual or even bisexual, it makes him a man.

 

[sixthson]

Honestly, it's not important to me whether he identifies as straight, gay, or bi. Everyone has their history before they get into a new relationship. Whether his history involves men, women, or both isn't a big deal for me. But you're right... The fact that he seems to be more affectionate toward his "bestie" than to his girlfriend of a year is what gets me.

It should matter to you if your bf is gay. Some things are not history. Being gay is one of them.

You need open, honest communication. My fear for you is that you won't get it from him.

 

[hylas]

not sure whether i can add anything that hasnt been said before...

you sure make it sound like hes gay. of course, were only getting your perspective, and your perception may be a little distroted because youre suspicious.

gay or not... are you happy with him? do you love him? express how you feel to him, including your suspicions. listen to his reaction and decide what you want for yourself.

 

[mbamike]

Yes, I think your boyfriend is gay and extremely closeted. He is using you as his facade to appear straight to the general public.

It appears he would rather be with his former roommate, but something is preventing him from making that a reality. Probably his closeted sexual orientation.

His sexual frustrations will slowly simmer inside him until he can't take it any longer. I don't think you will be on the winning side of that situation.

 

[QuickQuestion]

It should matter to you if your bf is gay. Some things are not history. Being gay is one of them.

You need open, honest communication. My fear for you is that you won't get it from him.

I stand corrected. I should have been more specific. Obviously if (internally) he would prefer to be exclusively gay, that makes our relationship impossible.

Does it really matter?

In the end, what matters is whether you are happy and satisfied with your relationship with him- out of the bedroom and in the bedroom.

It is very hard for women to understand how men compartmentalize relationships. There are things that a guy will tell his best guy friend that he wouldn't tell his girlfriend and vice versa. And a lot of guys feel that they can relax around other guys where they are always on their best behavior around women.

As several others have hinted at, the underlying question to all of this is whether you're feeling insecure about your relationship with him. There's questions about all of this that you would need to ask him- we don't have the answers.

But a warning- before you ask those questions, you might want to make sure that you think about some of the possible answers. If your boyfriend has had a past relationship with another man, that's one thing. If this "bestie" is a best friend and a fuck buddy, that's another thing. If your boyfriend is truly bisexual, that could make your insecurities about his commitment to you even worse.

It matters in the sense of taking the next steps. If he's not gay and this is just a funk that we're going through, I can convey that to him and we can work on it. If he is gay (whether he recognizes it or not), there's really nowhere for our relationship to go. I won't lie, I don't want to leave him but I'll be fine either way. It's a matter of figuring out how to approach the issues I guess.

I understand what you mean about compartmentalizing, but doesn't that mean he would be on his "best behavior" when we're all together, though, and only act like this when it's just the two of them?

After we first started "seeing each other" I saw the two of them together for the first time, and I asked him if they had a thing. He told me they didn't.

There's just SO MUCH about this situation that makes me think there's more to it. Now that his friend moved back to their home town, they talk on the phone for 2-3 hours sometimes. And when they're not talking, they're texting or Facebook messaging. Even when they're not getting along, they fight like a married couple! It's kind of outrageous.

You won't know until the two of you talk about it. I hope this helps.

It does help! Thank you.

I just can't decide if I should call him and talk it out over the phone or wait until he gets back home. Right now, he's visiting the guy in another state until Sunday. I think that's why this is all boiling to the surface for me right now.

you sure make it sound like hes gay. of course, were only getting your perspective, and your perception may be a little distroted because youre suspicious.

I really tried not to be too biased in the matter. I'd list things that make him "seem straight," but I don't think clichés like "he likes sports" are an indication of sexual orientation. The only thing that I really have going for me in that department is that he pursued me originally and we do have a sexual relationship consistently.

Yes, I think your boyfriend is gay and extremely closeted. He is using you as his facade to appear straight to the general public.

It appears he would rather be with his former roommate, but something is preventing him from making that a reality. Probably his closeted sexual orientation.

His sexual frustrations will slowly simmer inside him until he can't take it any longer. I don't think you will be on the winning side of that situation.

IF he is gay, I don't think he's aware of it enough to intentionally make me his facade to appear straight to the general public. I don't get the impression that he wants to jump on every attractive man that passes by. I don't even notice him checking other guys out, to be honest. I think IF he is gay, it's something that he hasn't even come to terms with on his own yet. Which is why I'm not sure if there's a point in addressing it head-on.

 

[mbamike]

IF he is gay, I don't think he's aware of it enough to intentionally make me his facade to appear straight to the general public. I don't get the impression that he wants to jump on every attractive man that passes by. I don't even notice him checking other guys out, to be honest. I think IF he is gay, it's something that he hasn't even come to terms with on his own yet. Which is why I'm not sure if there's a point in addressing it head-on.

Contrary to how the general public depicts us, we don't want to jump every good-looking guy we see. Many of us are your average guy next door who goes to work each day to pay bills, purchase a house, etc. Many of us are masculine (straight acting) and you would not even guess we enjoy sex with men. Check out some of the gay hookup sites. There are lots of married guys (married to women) on there looking to have sex with other men.

I think your boyfriend is very closeted and in denial. He could be afraid of being rejected by his family and friends if he comes out as being gay. This is not unusual.

So no, he has not come to terms with it.

 

[QuickQuestion]

Contrary to how the general public depicts us, we don't want to jump every good-looking guy we see. Many of us are your average guy next door who goes to work each day to pay bills, purchase a house, etc. Many of us are masculine (straight acting) and you would not even guess we enjoy sex with men. Check out some of the gay hookup sites. There are lots of married guys (married to women) on there looking to have sex with other men.

I think your boyfriend is very closeted and in denial. He could be afraid of being rejected by his family and friends if he comes out as being gay. This is not unusual.

So no, he has not come to terms with it.

Sorry, I didn't mean that all gay men are like that. I'm just saying it's not obvious that he's attracted to other males. Male or female/straight or gay, I think most of the time you can get a feel for the type of person someone's interested in based on who catches his or her eye out in public if you're paying attention.