Does being sexually abused make you gay?

[tallguy297]

Hmmmm...well even after all this time I still shake when I think about this...but up till now the best way to deal with it has been just to get it out and get on with it...so I'll do that again here. It could be a long story...but please bear with me. I'm doing this in the hope that others may never have to feel the same way...

As a kid I was abused. It started when I was 7 or 8 and went on for a long time...not every day or even every week...sometimes months apart...friends of my parents - their son... and yet I'm sure I can recall every time it happened. He was maybe 9 or 10 years older when it began. He would seek me out...the first time was when I was walking home from the local swimming pool. I made it stop when I was about 14 I guess but not before I found myself seeking him out, from wanting contact and the pleasure that went with it. 5 minutes of pleasure for months of agony and guilt...until the cycle started again. To this day I still cant figure that part out...

All my life, every day those events influence my thoughts...I'm sad to say that to a degree I became a victim. It crushed my self confidence and self belief (something I still struggle with when it comes to my private life) because I believed that I caused it. I find it hard to trust and yet when I do I do it too deeply. There are days when I still hate myself - days where I crave for someone to tell me that I'm ok and that everything will work out. The irony is that my friends and people I talk too cant believe my lack of self confidence. Outwardly, especially for work, I can be convincing and confident. Inside I'm shitting myself.

But it also gets better everyday. I'm learning that it wasnt my fault. That it was something out of my control and that even my behavior towards the end where I sought him out was a learned response. That the guilt I felt (feel) from wanting to feel special and important was a result of learning about "things" way too early in life. I've also learned that the loss of trust early in life makes you value it so much more later in your life...you dont take safety and honesty for granted.

In the last few years I have forgiven the sick f..k who did this - not to his face, I dont ever want to see him again. I actually feel sorry for him - my guess is that he was abused. But he had a choice. If he was he knew the effect that it would have on the person he abused and he was too weak to think of anyone other than himself. Could he change the way he thought - probably not, its like trying to change the fact that you like beer or not - but did he have a choice as to whether or not he acted on those feelings - HELL YES. Despite a lot of hearsay I dont believe being abused increases the changes of you doing the same...if anything it makes you more understanding of the victims...at least thats what i found.

I should point out too that I have the most amazing parents. They have accepted me as a gay person so much better than I ever thought they would. But they don't know about this. And they never will. I cant bring myself to let them believe that they in some way are responsible or have failed as parents.

For me though things got really complicated when I realised towards the end that I really was attracted to guys. Or at least thought I was. I couldnt take my eyes off them and fantasized constantly. Even after a number of girlfriends and a near engagement and 4 year relationship I knew I was attracted to guys. But had the abuse caused it???

With the help of an amazing giving caring and kind counsellor...I think I've learnt that no it didnt. I'm gay. Born that way and just unlucky enough to have had some bad shit go on in my life. Hes actually taught me to value the lessons i learnt from it...to be honest, open. To be kind and gentle. And to try and help...anyone at anytime. To take the bad things and make them good sort of thing. And being gay is one of those things. The one thing I am sure of is that none of this makes you any less of a person or any less worthy or deserving of the carefree and happy life that every one else craves.

What makes me sad though is that I keep meeting gay guys who have experienced the same thing. Over and over. So is it just coincidence, a stereotype or is it real? Is there a link? Does this experience change the way you think and who you are attracted to???

Any feedback or thoughts or knowledge that you guys could impart would be great! Any support we can offer as a community to those who are scared, have doubts or fears, who have wondered if thats why they are here or who arent far down the path of dealing with this would be gratefully accepted I'm sure. Its a taboo subject in the wider community but that doesnt mean we should ignore it too.

Thanks for your patience and for reading this guys...it means a lot!

 

[lapafrax]

Some people who got abused turn out heterosexual. So there is no conclusive evidence as such.

 

[KennyD]

I personally do not believe that sexual abuse as a child = Gay as a teenager or adult ...
That said ; I was abused by two boys 14 and 16 when I was just five thru six years old ... However; I actually felt "Proud" to be included in their " Secret Games" and to have been "Chosen" when they could have had other boys their own age playing ... or so I thought at the time ...
My abuse went on for two years .. until we moved ; but like I said ..I never considered it abuse ... and I do not think it made me Gay as I have four cousins who are all Gay also ... which leads me to believe it is all in the genes ...

 

[Orlandude]

I don't believe sexual abuse = gay.

I have 2 close friends who were sexually abused at a young age and they are as straight as straight can be. They accept me totally but have absolutely no interest in being gay or even having ocassional gay sex. As for me, I was never sexually abused and I'm totally gay.

 

[3nipples]

I think it is one of the worst things you can do to a child and I'm sorry it happened to you.

I can remember with detail back to when I was 2 years old and am sure that I was never abused. I am gay.

I have a good friend who was abused as a kid when he was 12 by a 18 year old guy, including anal sex, which at the time he learned to enjoy. He grew up to be straight.

 

[tallguy297]

Thanks for your feedback guys...but I think I have stuffed up the question I posed in the first post....duh....

I guess what I was wondering as much as anything else was does the abuse make being gay harder to accept? Does it cause confusion and make self acceptance harder? Does it make coming out and being able to feel sexually attracted to the same sex as the person who most likely abused you harder? How do you learn to seperate the two?

Certainly I found that it caused me a hell of a lot of confusion...I thought that was to blame for me being gay....

 

[chris0626]

Nothing is to 'blame' for you being gay. Nothing at all.

I too was abused (when I was 10) by an 'uncle' that was 17. Abuse and sexual orientation are mutually exclusive. The abuser isn't necessarily 'gay' either, rape/abuse (rape is what it really is) is all about POWER over another, usually weaker individual.

The fact that I'm gay has nothing to do with what happened to me. I would have been gay regardless.

Can it harder to accept because of it? Certainly so. But, in the end, who you are who you are. What happened cannot be taken back. And it cannot be blamed for more than it was; a horrible, despicable thing that no one should have to endure.

You, my friend, have done nothing wrong. Celebrate who you are. There is only one of you.

Don't let the past dictate your every future. You're better than that.

 

[mexamor]

... does the abuse make being gay harder to accept?

It can cause confusion about gender identity and sexuality. I would say that ther are other factor too, such as, community support or lack thereof, religious beliefs, etc.

Does it cause confusion and make self acceptance harder?

I believe it does. Because sex abuse is more of a "mind fuck" than sexual it has a profound effect on our perception of ourself and other people sexually and how we fit in and how we experience sex, intimacy and love.

Does it make coming out and being able to feel sexually attracted to the same sex as the person who most likely abused you harder?

Here again, I think we have to realize that there are many factors that affect this issue, not just the abuse, having said that I believe that it does cause tremendous confusion sexually and with intimacy. In fact, I would say that intimacy is probably the most affected of our emotions from abuse and that "comming out" is affected in our lack of confidence in our selfs and ability to open up to others.

How do you learn to seperate the two?

Well, unless you are naturally gifted and learned about cognitive paterns I think it takes professional facilitating to help us gain back the ability to think those type of questions through.

Certainly I found that it caused me a hell of a lot of confusion...I thought that was to blame for me being gay....

All I can say is that I know how you feel. I have the added burden (not as in poor me) to have been told and to believe that what was wrong with me could be fixed by believing in religion and "repenting" and getting married, which I did. I feel so bad that I caused harm to my best friend, my wife, by being such a pussy and not telling everyone to fuck off. We just do the best we can with the cards we are delt.

You are really awesome and inspiring in your story. Don't give up.

 

[trawler69]

I am lucky enough no to be able to speak from experience but for what its worth my thoughts are these:

No I don't think being abused will make you Gay but I can imagine that when you accept you are Gay and have been abused, you are bound to think the two might be related. What will make it much worse is if you are not happy being Gay and yearn to be straight. I would think that becoming happy with who you are is the first and main step in getting over these feelings. I'm so glad you parents took it so well and the other posters on here also bleieve that abuse does not make you Gay. Use that to bolster your self esteem. I can see it is a struggle but I feel you are almost there.

 

[3nipples]

Thanks for your feedback guys...but I think I have stuffed up the question I posed in the first post....duh....

I guess what I was wondering as much as anything else was does the abuse make being gay harder to accept? Does it cause confusion and make self acceptance harder? Does it make coming out and being able to feel sexually attracted to the same sex as the person who most likely abused you harder? How do you learn to seperate the two?

Certainly I found that it caused me a hell of a lot of confusion...I thought that was to blame for me being gay....

I think that many (if not most of us) at some time during the phase of coming to grips with being gay, will grasp for an external reason to rationalize it.


Typical themes are:

Sexual abuse as a child​

Growing up without a father or other male​

Domineering mother​

No brothers/too many sisters​

... the list is endless​

Ultimately, you have to realize that there is not much point in looking for "blame". You are gay and will stay that way. It doesn't really matter how you got there.

 

[confusedboy23]

Nope, I don't believe that abuse or a particular event in life could determine or change one's sexuality. You were born to be gay, full stop.

Hmmm, I wonder if a gay boy could suddenly become straight if he was to be abused by someone? I'd doubt that!

 

[tommyj]

Good question tallguy...I think it does not make one gay but definitely does have negative implications on self esteem. I was abused by a male babysitter when I was 6 or 7 years old. I was introverted after that (who knows about before cause I think prior to that age we are still in self development stage). It has taken me a long time to gain a decent measure of esteem but I still don't feel worthy in some respects, particularly looks wise altho a lot of guys (and females) say I'm very attractive. He became a cop.

 

[tallguy297]

Thank you guys for your support and kind words...chris, mexamor, trawler,tommyj... to get this thing out into a public forum isn't easy and I'd be lying if I said it didnt dig up some mixed emotions...but in the off chance others can read posts from guys like you who are supportive and understanding then its been worth it.

For each of us I guess its a journey and self discovery and self acceptance - and it blows me away how different people respond - watch the movie mysterious skin and see what i mean - but its the support of others that means a lot. Its as if others took your worth and confidence away ...and in some small part others can help get it back.

Thank you again!

 

[ticktickboy69]

i don't think so, because i to was sexually abused whe i was 9 that lasted until the age of 12. I kind of knew that i was gay at age 8. I think my step-father (who was the abuser) picked up on that and that's why he did it. In no way am blaming myself or any other victim. Besides, my brother was also sexually abused by him and he is married with 3 kids

 

[bulge]

I was NEVER abused and I am much much much more than 100% gay.

 

[torontoguy22]

Just a quick thought I figured I'd throw out: Couldn't it be possible that those who are abused at a young age (by a member of the same sex) would become repulsed with the idea of same-sex relationships? If I were abused as a child I figure I'd now deeply hate the idea of male-male sex.

 

[tallguy297]

You are spot on torontoguy22 ....and thats exactly why gay guys who were abused have so much trouble accepting themselves. To be attracted to the same sex as your abuser confuses and clouds your feelings...makes a difficult time even harder. The guys here are right...I think that you are gay no matter...but the abuse gives you a reason to doubt why you are that way....you think that maybe if i wasnt abused i wouldnt be gay. It takes a long long time to accept for some of us to realise that arent related.
Even now, there are times when i find the sex part of a relationship difficult because something may remind me of the past. And you do realise then how deeply you've been made to hate the idea if m/m sex even though its with someone you love. Hence the confusion and extra difficulty for some....

 

[mexamor]

I have been thinking about this and I wanted to tell you that one of the problems that I think we have when we are abused and gay is the feelings of guilt and confusion that we experience. I think that contributes to the idea of "am i gay from abuse".

 

[jockboy01]

Okay, I can't offer much insight into that question b/c I wasn't abused... but I'm still gay.

But what I get Tallguy from your originally post is this... (and please, don't be offended)

I gather that you're saying all of the right things but for whatever reason, it doesn't seem like deep down you believe them. They're mimicked responses. I know, I did that about being gay for a LONG time. But it seems to me that you haven't really dealt with this abuse issue all of the way internally. It really still bothers you I think. And it seems that until you can adequately deal with this issue, you'll forever have that a hang up with your links to being gay/relationships. I don't know how to help you deal with it however... but a good counselor should. And I may be totally off base and you've dealt with it. ONly you know for sure, but something about that first posts says otherwise to me. Again, just my observations.

 

[tallguy297]

Well...yes..no.. maybe. I'm not sure if you're right Jockboy (and no offence taken...I asked for opinions...gotta be big enough to get em!) but I cant say that you are wrong either. Like being gay, Ive really only decided to deal with this in the last few years - both things together really.

See the difficulty becomes knowing when you have successfully dealt with the issue - how do you define that point? How do you know that one issue is resolved and the other is the problem? I think there is a certain truth to what you say...i think that it has caused some issues in dealing with being gay...but i cant say that i wouldnt have had those issues anyway...thats the cause of the confusion.

I dont break down over the issue - although i am sensitive to news or documentaries or real life stories about the issue for sure - but i've accepted that it may always play a part in my thinking...maybe thats wrong? maybe i do need to fight this further?

But i also truly believe that until i have experienced the real love support comfort and trust of someone special to me, i wont be able to say that i understand the whole gay concept either. This experience has taught me the importance of trust honesty and value in others - and thats something i need to share with others in a long term relationship to see if those issues remain.

For me i have come a long long way in 18 months. I may never shout it from the roof tops and wear a neon sign but i think baby steps and a slow self acceptance is making me realise that i am ok. And i'm ok with the fact that i'm gay. i still love, care deeply for others, have pretty good morals and try never to hurt people - my past has given me good things too...but maybe you are right...i still need to work on the bad?

Thank you for your perspective mate...you've got me thinking...