Does being sexually abused make you gay?

[mexamor]

Sweety, I first want to say that I admire you greatly. You are just so awesome.
I certainly simpathise with you. When I was going through group therapy, one night I was presenting my "homework" that I had done and it was very emotional for me. I can't remember what it was exactly but all of the women (I was the only guy) gave me great feedback. Our therapist looks at me (she is just so insightful and inspired) and she says very tentatively- "you know, therapy isn't going to change the fact that you are gay"

I had sort of lived my life "not being gay" for so many years and her words just dove at me. I have been upset by that revalation for two and a half years. I came home and told my wife "I'm gay".

Yeah, I'm not a very tactful fellow. It is like everything gets so mixed up and confused. I guess I am trying to say that your feelings are normal, in my view. these things are so strong and overpowering in us.

 

[DrkShadow]

I have been thinking about this and I wanted to tell you that one of the problems that I think we have when we are abused and gay is the feelings of guilt and confusion that we experience. I think that contributes to the idea of "am i gay from abuse".

Exactly!

I've thought of it this way lately. Even IF I am gay because of my past experiences, is sexuality something I feel I can honestly change? Nope.

 

[jockboy01]

See the difficulty becomes knowing when you have successfully dealt with the issue - how do you define that point? How do you know that one issue is resolved and the other is the problem? I think there is a certain truth to what you say...i think that it has caused some issues in dealing with being gay...but i cant say that i wouldnt have had those issues anyway...thats the cause of the confusion.

I'm not sure there is a single point that says you've dealt with the issue. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure there isn't. It is a process... b/c really, it is just a part of getting to know who you are. At one point, I thought that journey would have an endpoint. As I get older, I realize that it is a lifelong journey and don't expect to ever feel like I 100% know me. But it's a goal to reach toward.

And I don't think one of those issues is ever going to be resolved and one be the problem. They are issues in your past that are most definitely intertwined. By that, I don't mean your being gay and being abused. Rather, I mean your dealing with your abuse and dealing with the fact that you are gay. Being abused didn't make you gay, but it makes dealing with being gay more confusing and difficult.

maybe i do need to fight this further?

Interesting choice of words. Because it really does seem like it is a fight for you. When really, you need to stop fighting and start accepting.... both the abuse and being gay.

my past has given me good things too...but maybe you are right...i still need to work on the bad?

Well, here's the thing again... it sounds like you are working on the past. Good things happen, bad things happen... shit happens. It's just the way it is. As I look back on life I don't really look at it as good and bad. I look at it as experiences. Something I went through b/c it happened. And then I try and see what I learned from that experience. What did I take away from it? If I take away something from the experience, I've gained from that experience and thus, I see it as something good.

For instance, the first guy I was ever with... was a total hookup. We'd talked on IM for a period of time. We were both closeted, we both wanted to be with another guy. So we did. Terrible experience. I mean, he was nice guy and nothing "bad" per se happened. But after I took him home, I just wanted to crawl under a rock. One of the worst experiences of my life really. But I learned a lot from it... I realized that being gay wasn't about the sex. I realized that I didn't like random hookups. I realized that the friends who I went and watched a movie with that night made me feel much better (emotionally) than getting off with a stranger. So while at first I regretted that I'd done it and wished anything I could turn back time, now I appreciate it for something totally different and I don't regret it. And I still IM with the guy just to keep in touch and we have a good laugh about how nervous both of us were. Not sure if this makes sense... I hope so though as I've never told anybody that story before.

So somehow you just have to look at the abuse as something that happened, not as your fault, or as something that might have made you gay (trust me, we all have or had issues with being gay regardless of abuse) and something that somehow contributed to you being the loving, caring person with good morals that you are today.

 

[mexamor]

Interesting choice of words. Because it really does seem like it is a fight for you. When really, you need to stop fighting and start accepting.... both the abuse and being gay.

Well, here's the thing again... it sounds like you are working on the past. Good things happen, bad things happen... shit happens. It's just the way it is. As I look back on life I don't really look at it as good and bad. I look at it as experiences. Something I went through b/c it happened. And then I try and see what I learned from that experience. What did I take away from it? If I take away something from the experience, I've gained from that experience and thus, I see it as something good.

You are right in what you are saying here Jockboy, but the issue is really about coping with feelings and thinking errors. It is hard to understand when, in general you are healthy emotionally. That is precisely the problem with sexual abuse, it affects the way you are able to think things through and deal with your emotions. It isn't that you don't want to get to the point that you can "learn" from experiences but when you are unable to think corectly about experiences you cannot grow from them.

I am not sure if I am explaining this well here. *sometimes i hate the limitations of forums* Sex abuse is more than "shit happening" it is total mind fuck, emote fuck. I thank God every day that very few of us have to understand it. It takes a long time and lots of work to overcome the effects of this. Great post.

 

[Like Butter]

I think it does play some sort of role(abuse)...I was abused sexually 2 or 3 times, I dont even remember it clearly, I basically blocked the events & never told my parents. I don't I.D myself as gay simply cause i'll never have any type of sexual relationship with a male..I'm more of a closet bi sexual.

 

[dkonfrost]

We were just discussing this in my human sexuality class!

in a nutshell, there is no one deciding factor or indication that being abused would entail becoming gay. a girl in my class shared her story of her cousin, whose father abused the 5 girls in the family, but only 1 turned out to be lesbian. It's not very conclusive to say that abuse in early years steers homosexuality.

and much love to you for sharing this, you are awesome. it takes great courage and heart to share personal stuff such as this.

 

[alwaysone]

I have always questioned this myself. I had been abused by a male when I was about 9 or 10. I felt like it was my fault and for years it would be the one thing I would always think about. When I turned 12 or 13 is when these feelings of guilt went away.

I ask myself often why did I allow it to happen? I could have said no. I think I was curious about the whole sex thing, as children are at that age.

Do I think it contributed to who I am today? I don't write it off. I always relate it to children that are raised with no interaction to other human beings. At a certain point in their life, they no longer have the ability to learn to talk. It is almost like a door....once its open, you can go in, but once its closed, you can't go in. I wonder if it is that way with sexuality? By no means am I writing off any other reasons for why some people are homosexual or why others are heterosexual, but I don't think the idea can be dismissed. What if there is one point in your life where the sexuality door opens, and because you were sexually abused, your mind thinks that is what sex is and it makes you think that is what you want. I don't know, and I apologize if I sound close minded.....its just my theory.

 

[tallguy297]

I think the biggest impact this has had on my life is the creation of confusion...and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy...I don't know whether or not I would have had the same confusion over my sexuality if this hadnt happened...and thats the part thats hard to deal with. I accept that I am gay...and the longer I spend here at JUB the more...proud is not really the right word but...I feel good about it.

I dont think anyone thats posted here is right or wrong - i see things in all that i can relate to (wonder the same thing at times alwaysone)...and I think thats another reason that this subject is usually closed down...theres no magic bullet. The huge range of responses to dealing with this experience - from out and out exhibitionism and flaunting of your sexuality to recluse and introspectiveness makes it so hard to find a solution to the issue.

Outwardly it seems that we go on and appear to be ok...many of my friends are dumbstruck when I tell them of this stuff...and they basically all say the same thing - theres no signs. Inwardly though I think its something which can heighten your propensity to suffer from doubt or lack of confidence and self worth. We take the mask that some use to hide the fact that we are gay and go one step further.

I KNOW this has affected the way I look at my relationships with people and my ability to trust and feel confident. But because I know...I can start and continue to deal.

There is good in this. I do value the people who I let in my life so much more. I do respect and love the people who mean a lot to me. I have a unique perspective on the good and bad in all of us... the ability of us to be kind supportive and decent...and the ability to be selfish abusive and ignorant. This experience can teach you the real value of others...and of our need to do no harm.

Yes I may never be able to completely shake this off. Nor may I ever be able to clearly accept the 2 as different issues. But as time passes I'm learning that it doesnt really matter. Our pasts make us who we are today. And how we live our lives and how we influence those of the people around us is whats important - being here at JUB just reinforces that.

dkonfrost, its posts like yours and the others here that in some small way offer support...the safety and openness of these boards...they are truly amazing and special gifts. Even though I posted this with the thought in mind of just talking about the topic so it wasnt hidden any more... I have learnt so much and gained so much from peoples perspectives and experiences...and support.

Thanks guys.

 

[james1200]

wow...i never went into this section before that i recall but what an interesting topic. i always wondered about this subject too...i don't think it can make you gay but i wonder if it explains some bisexual behavior. i mean if you're introduced to certain behaviors by some freak at a very young age, it might seem normal to you and even once you hit puberty and start developing heterosexual feelings, you might still engage in an occasional homosexual act, something that you wouldn't think to do if you weren't abused. i'm not saying this is necessairly true for me because i derive pleasure from being with both men and women now and when i was a kid, it was horrible and not pleasurable in the least. so maybe that means that it's genetic and i would have been bi anyway...i mean otherwise, i would be repulsed by guys completely right? i dunno...it's all kinda confusing.

i also wonder how many men are abused as a whole. it's not something guys talk about and i never have either, even to my therapist when i was seeing one, but i always get a vibe off of certain of my friends from the way they talk about their childhood tho i've never had the balls to bring it up. i've always wondered if my rampant drug use in high school and college was genetic or brought on by abuse also...all i'm sure of is that these guys who defend sexual activity with kids, and they're right here on this site, have no idea what they're doing and the mess they're gonna create.

 

[OutofEden]

I know much has already been said, and I admit to not reading every reply thuroughly, but I will offer my insight from my own experiences. I have only become friends with or been in a relationship with one other gay guy who was not abused as a child. I wasn't abused, but I did mess around with other boys my age early. All the others though, have eventually shared with me stories of abuse by friends, acquaintances, relatives from their past. I believe there is definite correlation and I'll offer some reasons I think it may be true, these are opinions.

One reason a male who was abused by another male in their youth seeks homosexual relationships in adulthood is that the abuse represents a loss of control that mentally remains forever, they seek to re-create the situation but this time say to themselves "I'm in control, I'm choosing to do this". Sometimes guys will have such experiences and then turn out to lead heterosexual lives too, but it isn't uncommon to re-create to regain control. This behavior occurs in all kinds of trauma situations from violent crime to mental abuse to hazing.

Another reason I believe abuse victims often prefer male/male relationships is that they early on adopted a submissive mindset sexually, although they may not play a submissive role in their adult relationships, there is a stronger appeal towards the male gender for someone who desires that situation. I think boys abused sometimes seek relationships with other men because they find masculinity more attractive and feminity.

In my own experience, I try to be very supportive, but it is very difficult for me to continue relationships after I have learned of prior abuse because I worry that my partner is simply using me to recreate a painful memory and I'm playing a role in a production instead of sharing something special.

Ultimately, some things to talk with your close friends and therapist is whether or not you find yourself seeking relationships or encounters that relate to the events of your youth. It sounds like you're many years into your recovery, although others reading may not be nearly as far along, but ultimately you can hope to discover the man you are despite the crimes committed against you, and be comfortable in knowing you are who you want to be and not who someone 'made' you.

 

[puty34]

check out:http://www.malesurvivor.org/index.htm
especially the discussion forums; a bunch of stuff on that topic - I don't recall anyone saying abuse turned them gay.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

I was sexually abused by my gran-dad from an early age, and I am gay. I have asked myself this question a thousand times, and I still don't have an answer.