Does he fancy me?

[evil_danger]

How do I know if the guy I have a crush on fancies me?

We work together behind a bar, it’s a busy bar with about 6 members of bar staff behind the bar on a Friday and Saturday night, quite cramped.

Evidence:

For

This Friday we had a moment, I made a flirty joke, he looked quite mad at me not saying anything, then smiled and we just looked into each others eyes, only for him to spoil the moment by pulling a face and yelling, “boo”

Friday and Saturday night we were set to work at the top end of the bar together (the bar is split in two by a pillar) he was stroking my chest, back and constantly tickling my sides.

We have awkward guy hugs all the time, although we also have good friend hugs all the time.

He offered to kiss my hand better after I put a plaster on a blister.

He has several pet names for me.

He made a point of telling me he was bisexual, even after saying he was straight just a week beforehand, this revelation came after a session of quite funny flirting.

In a cute childish voice often says he loves me, but could mean as a friend.

We had another moment on the Saturday morning, but that just ended up being turned into face pulling.

The amount of sexual terms being thrown between the two of us is just mind boggling.

Against

We don’t see each other that often outside work, its either both of us working, or the other one coming in while the other one is working.

He never texts me back (to counter that though he never texts anyone often)

He’s a bit of a whore and generally a charmer to everyone.

Flirts with pretty much everyone (although I don’t notice it as often as with me, maybe cos I flirt back)


Hes the same guy I have spoken about before, he was almost in a relationship with my best friend, but she has since said it is over and never really happend.

 

[G-Lexington]

Invite him out for coffee after work.

Lex

 

[evil_danger]

Im trying to invite him to a DVD evening, or as i put it "DVD night, go see a film, anything just not at a pub, i have been working in one since thursday" he didn't reply, I wanna send another text but I dont wanna come across as a stalker!

 

[D-Base]

Yeah, what Lex said, invite him home, have a couple of beers and hit it off
He said he's bi after all, if that's NOT a hint I dunno what is.

 

[spreadeagle]

Is this a gay bar? How old is he?

My take on it is that this is the behaviour of someone who enjoys the titillation of flirtation but is scared of anything deeper. He probably just wants to keep it light and fun and it helps the long evenings pass quicker. Being in a 'relationship' with a workmate would be too intense - he'd prefer to be 'just good friends'.

The quickest way through this is to ask him (or tell him) straight out. There's nothing worse than all that twinky 'my friend fancies you' insecurity. The inability to voice what's important to you invalidates the feelings.

 

[evil_danger]

No, regular straight bar, although the funny thing is most of the staff that come and go are at least bisexual.

Were chilling tonight watching a film, teehee harry potter! So grown up, see how that goes, might snuggle up, probably will snuggle up but that’s just cos were like that anyway. If the conversation feels it might be going that way I will say something, or at least put out there that I could see myself liking him in a more than friend way, that’s not too revealing of my feelings but also leaves it open to say how he feels.

 

[1st love ron]

He sounds like a cock tease. We had a lot of them back in highschool...girls that would act and talk slutty but not put out (for the straights, obviously).

 

[LarsVenice]

I would be happy to have a platonic friend that was that affectionate. At least you get to exchange hugs. If nothing develops from hugging, I doubt that he wants to have sex with you. You should be able to tell if there is sexual tension, and it appears to me that there is not - at least not on his part. I also agree that it would be awkward to try anything with a co-worker. Keep it casual.

 

[evil_danger]

Thanks guys, not what I want to hear but I need to hear it. He’s not so much a cock tease as an all round tease-a-holic.

As for the sexual tension, I wouldn’t know If there is any on his part, I feel too much to notice if he does, but after tonight I guess nothing will or was ever going to happen.

I was helping him move some of his stuff from his mates house to another mates house, see he’s now kinda homeless (well he’s got a room for a month at least) and I guess very emotional so that’s gonna affect his moods and how he was with me from the start.

He was very grateful I helped him move some stuff, it was pissing down with rain and without my car he would have been all day doing it.

Once we sat down we put the film on, I though we were gonna be quite close but nope, he sat quite far away from me. After about half an hour I went to get comfortable and put my head on his shoulder, he practically ran a mile. All the touching and harmless flirting (harmless as it is, still makes my cock ache) didn’t take place, no closeness, ever time I moved he moved away a bit just in case I was going to move closer.

I cant play mind games with him, I don’t tolerate mind games, I wanted to be there for him cos he was clearly upset and first and foremost he is a friend, I’ve been with him when he’s upset before and we have talked it through, but he wouldn't even let much talking happen tonight. He blows hot and cold and its driving me mad, I need to tell him “look I know we enjoy are harmless flirting, but I need to know if there’s more too it. I care for you in a different way than a friend should and I need to be told there’s nothing behind it, otherwise it’s not fun it’s painful” But I need to say it in a way that wont destroy our friendship.

Basically I don’t want to destroy our friendship, but I just want to know if there could be more behind it, I wanna know what he’s thinking.

Kate Nash put my feelings in a song exactly, well apart from the gender issues teehee

Kate Nash – Nicest thing

“All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
but you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen;
I wish that we could see if we could be something”

 

[rareboy]

I'm glad you don't want to play mind games. So many young adults think it is how sex works.

I agree with everyone else. He's just a flirt and better to have him as a casual friend than to have him disappoint you. I suspect that if he wanted anything to go anywhere, he would have made the first move.

Chin up.

 

[evil_danger]

I'm glad you don't want to play mind games. So many young adults think it is how sex works.

I agree with everyone else. He's just a flirt and better to have him as a casual friend than to have him disappoint you. I suspect that if he wanted anything to go anywhere, he would have made the first move.

Chin up.

Yeah I agree totally, I just feel so heart broken, I know I love him, I think about him when I’m not near him, yet when I’m close to him I become light headed and giggly. The thought of seeing him makes my stomach flutter and the thought of not seeing him makes me feel sick. I get jealous when he flirts with other people, but when its just us he can make me feel like the most important person in the world, I hurt to know he hurts and it makes me happy to see him have a good time. He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I want for him to be happy, love it to be happy with me but even at the expense of my happiness.

How can one person make me feel so confused yet so sure of myself at the same time? Its more than a crush, I get them all the time, more than lust I don’t just wanna fuck him. I guess I could just be Infatuated with him as I have many of the “symptoms”.


What am I doing to myself, I mean even if he said he did feel the same, which he clearly doesn’t, what kinda relationship would we have, we don’t have any interests in common. I’m very much the good boy in my group of friends, don’t smoke, hardly drink, don’t do any drugs, home by midnight, need my 8 hours sleep, he’s the complete opposite, does everything to excess, stays up all night drinking etc. I would bore him with my “lets just have a quiet night in” and he would drive me mad. Despite that I don’t think he could have a guy on guy relationship, well nothing more than sex anyway, even then he wouldn’t want it known publicly.

 

[StlKj]

Perhaps he really does like you, but you may be one of his only friends he talks to about his life, and that could have him determined not to turn you into yet another conquest. His moving away was most likely his telling you that it's just not going to happen. He may go home with people all the time, but you're the only one he'd sit and watch a movie with.

He's straight, no he's bi, he's homeless, he's crashing at someone's place, he's dating a female friend, no he's not--sounds like he's not exactly stable right now. You may be one of the only stable things in his life, so don't be surprised if he wants to keep things just the way they are.

 

[evil_danger]

^ That actually makes me feel a hell of a lot better, thanks

 

[evil_danger]

Yeah, what Lex said, invite him home, have a couple of beers and hit it off
He said he's bi after all, if that's NOT a hint I dunno what is.

One thing I forgot to mention was that last night I told him how I was shocked he said he was bisexual saturday night, as before he has said hes straight, but doesn't hate the idea of guys, well he tried to retract his statement saying "I never said that, well no, thats not how I meant it" In my mind thats playing mind games. Its okay for him to flirt with me and casually drop into conversation thats hes actually bi, kinda to peak my intrest, but when hes not in the mood to flirt or play around he quickly takes it back.

I saw him today as we swapped work shifts, hes really ill, sounds like a chest infection, all I could think was how I wish I was the one in pain, I wouldn't worry if it was me but cos its him im just so worried, it sounds bad. Told him to go to the doctor, he jokingly told me to fuck off he hates doctors.Why does my heart do this to me!

 

[spreadeagle]

Some random thoughts-

OPPOSITES ATTRACT
You describe yourself as a careful, routine somewhat conservative sort of guy. It may be that you've created this persona as a way of helping you cope with the diffuclties that life has presented. If you just follow the rules everything will be ok. Of course, following the rules doesn't leave much room for bisexuality or homosexuality and it may be that your friend's carefree, reckless behaviour is attractive to you because secretly you want to throw off the restrictions you place on yourself.

THE RESCUER
A lot of people get a lot of emotional mileage out of 'rescuing' others. By assuming a caring responsible role you position yourself in relation to the other person as someone who appears to have a greater intimacy than is actually the case. It also allows a measure of control which can be a diversionary tactic for a person who is afraid to lose control.

PURSUIT OF THE UNOBTAINABLE
For some, a lifetime of unrequited love fixated on a series of unavailable lovers seems preferable to suffering the pain and embarrasment of the compromise, commitment and physical intimacy that are required to maintain a real relationship.

 

[evil_danger]

Some random thoughts-

OPPOSITES ATTRACT
You describe yourself as a careful, routine somewhat conservative sort of guy. It may be that you've created this persona as a way of helping you cope with the diffuclties that life has presented. If you just follow the rules everything will be ok. Of course, following the rules doesn't leave much room for bisexuality or homosexuality and it may be that your friend's carefree, reckless behaviour is attractive to you because secretly you want to throw off the restrictions you place on yourself.

THE RESCUER
A lot of people get a lot of emotional mileage out of 'rescuing' others. By assuming a caring responsible role you position yourself in relation to the other person as someone who appears to have a greater intimacy than is actually the case. It also allows a measure of control which can be a diversionary tactic for a person who is afraid to lose control.

PURSUIT OF THE UNOBTAINABLE
For some, a lifetime of unrequited love fixated on a series of unavailable lovers seems preferable to suffering the pain and embarrasment of the compromise, commitment and physical intimacy that are required to maintain a real relationship.

So what are you saying?

 

[Lube]

He tried retracting his claim to bisexuality when you pressed him on it. Maybe you already told us, but does he know you're bi?

 

[evil_danger]

Yeah, oh basically apart from family everyone who is important knows im bi, thats why I get the impression he knows I fancy him, because hes being so distant.

 

[evil_danger]

Update: well I think its kinda mystery solved, the kid loves attention, and he is an attention whore. We swapped shifts today, so when he finishes at 7:00pm I take over. He stayed in the pub, I just blanked him, not in the mood to play games, didn’t notice at first, later I walked past him, gave a polite smile but didn’t say anything.

Later that evening it happened again, I walked passed him and just didn’t look at him, gave a smile though but I looked straight through him, he grabbed my arm and said “you alright?” I nodded and said “yes”, “Oh, its just your not talking to me, I normally get a quick tickle”, My reply was simply “Oh, I thought you didn’t like that so I decided to stop” he let go of my arm and said “are you off with me?” I shook my head “Nope”, so he asked “you okay?” I just said “Yeah why shouldn’t I be” and walked off.

This was all being watched by a girl I work with (Another one than previously mentioned) who is also friends of this guy, I just explained how its hard having feelings for someone who doesn’t share them, she commented on what had just happened, just saying it was weird. She’s another person who says he’s just a flirt and he’s not worth all these feelings, we both agreed that if you wanna annoy him just ignore him. This girl also said that normally she would tell the guy/girl she liked them, but it would make things weird in this case.

Later that evening I was told to finish because it was so quiet in the pub. I decided to sit at the bar away from the guy and some of our work friends who were drinking there. In fact I didn’t want them to know I had finished, it would be awkward sitting with them, the state I felt I was in I could have cried or burst out laughing,

They had to walk past me when they decided to go and one of my female friends gave me a hug and a kiss, telling me I was silly for not joining them. Then he came up and I just turned back to the bar “whats wrong mate?” He asked me. I just shook my head, turned to him, smiled and said that nothing was wrong. He put his arms round me, I tried to push them off, all I could muster was a very quiet “no, don’t!” he stoked my chin and I grabbed his hand and pushed it away, he stroked my cheek and moved his hand away and finally pushed him away.

He knows he’s upset me, but he doesn’t know why, he clearly cant be too upset though cos he’s not text or anything. Before he left the girl that had hugged me said, “C’mon get a move on” to him, she was driving him home. He just looked at me and yelled out “WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE PISSY ON THURSDAYS?!?” I just snickered and turned back to the bar.

After he left, the girl who saw the previous event and whom I was talking to about it said, “Well after that I would tell him, if he still flirts around with you he’s a prick”

Fair enough he’s a flirt and craves attention, well after all that its obvious he does, but why be all touchy feely? It’s okay for him to blank me, but I can’t do the same? Grr he fucks with my head so much I wanna scream. I love him so much.

 

[evil_danger]

Nope is the answer i got when i asked him, got all teary.

Aparently hes banging his ex girlfriend now, after trying it on with my friend.

Fuck him, I think my feelings for him have gone straight to hell, I really dont like him at the moment.

Okay thats the bitterness talking.

Sorry to post ontop of myself yet again, last time!