Does life get better if you come out?

[wrestlingobsessed]

Im a young guy who cant cope with being gay. Ive never been to a gay bar and have no guys to go with. Theres so many people to tell Im gay, I feel like a lot of people hate me.

 

[Cactusjack47]

Is it that you can't cope with beying gay or that you think others can't cope if you come out?

 

[conrad]

Friend, there is no need for you to "come out" to anyone. Sex is personal and private and ought always to be kept that way.

The general public, including your friends and family, are entirtled just to what they can see. If you are careful and your partner is careful you can have the world to yourselves. "Coming out" simply lays a burden on others that they do not need and you do not need to cast on them.

 

[wrestlingobsessed]

Ya im very depressed at the moment and its getting me down.

 

[cityboi]

Yes, life does get better when you come out. It's not easy living in secrecy. As difficult as it may seem, try going to a bar by yourself. Most of us do all of the time and love it.

 

[Garawr]

I've never been in the closet, so I don't have any advice other than to simply be yourself.

 

[MystikWizard]

For the record, I came out last year, and my life has only gotten worse. I hate to say that, because I hear of so many success stories stating the opposite ... so maybe I'm just weird. My parents are fortunately accepting of me, but it did take some time. Especially with my father.

But I have become depressed to the point where I can't function in public anymore in dealing with people. I have been out of work and living on credit for a year (moved out to California to try to start life over, and it backfired on me). So I am moving back to Maryland to live with my parents, who were kind enough to take me in, and then deal with my financial situation, as well as trying to get my life back on track ... and go seek some professional help.

But sadly, yeah ... my life is worse now that I have come out, then before. Some people just deal with this better than others.

 

[lilman]

NO life only gets better if you emotionally can make it better for yourself. When i came out it was a terrible experience. i completely took my family off guard and i've just now come to terms with the fact that this is something that i'm going to have to deal with on my own. Telling people about your sexuality is just one part of dealing with being gay

 

[miyakko]

for the most part i think my life has been better since telling my folks. It's been..... interesting.

my folks did the whole crying and angry bit, but got over it after a few months.

now they invite us to go watch my dad's friend's girlfriend do her floor shows at the lesbian bar.... i'm sorry but i'm just not comfortable going to the gay district with my folks that are in their 60s. Just feels odd. my partner thinks it's a hoot.

I think it is more likely to better your life in the long run. It will most likely make things difficult to begin with.... which can last days, weeks, months, years.... but more times than not, it smooths out and your life in general is better off. that's my opinion.

 

[megustamyn]

Life is definitely better if you’re out. You can’t have an active and satisfying social life if you’re hiding. You can’t have a healthy committed relationship if you can’t share you’re life with your partner. Spouses expect to share in things like holidays, family reunions, major life events, etc. Being gay is not about sex. It is about relationships: with whom do we want to share life.

However, the coming out process can be difficult. Change always involves giving something up. In some cases, the things we give up are precious to us. I’m 60 years old and have been working in the gay community for over 20 years. My observation is that the people who love you usually come around but many go through a difficult period.

I believe that what you gain in the long run makes you a happier person. My husband and I (we are legally married) have a large support network of loving family and friends, both gay and straight. We are parents and grandparents. We are well known and respected in our community. For me, it was an easy process that took place gradually over time. My own fear was my biggest obstacle. For him it was more difficult because he had built up a straight life with a wife of many years and children. But even his ex-wife and her family are among our friends today.

I don’t know where you live but if you are near a mid-size to large city or a progressive university, you probably have some resources close by that can help you become more comfortable with yourself. I believe strongly in support networks and I know there are many men in your situation in every community. Check out PFLAG (http://community.pflag.org). See if there is a gay student union at a nearby college. Visit the websites of the large gay community centers for links to other resources: New York, http://www.gaycenter.org/; San Francisco, http://www.sfcenter.org/; Los Angeles, http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer, Houston, http://www.houstonglbtcommunitycenter.org/. Google “lgbt center” and the name of a city and you’ll come with helpful resources.

You may decide that you don't want to come out but it's good to find out what resources are available to you/

 

[Synergy]

i feel that life is better in that you are able to be yourself after you come out. Suppressing it really isn't fooling anyone but yourself.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

You will look back and realize how much energy and effort you put into hiding and being in the closet. That alone will make life better.

Is it going to be perfect? NO! But the less baggage you carry - the better decisions you make.

Megustamyn - sorry for your bad luck - but you are never a quitter until you stop trying. Re-group and carry on.

You don't need to blast the doors off the closet. Just start slowly, be yourself. I would encourage you to find a group of friends (by the way - the first people or group of people probably won't be the ones - but keep trying) and then slowly come to terms with it. This isn't an all or nothing thing.

You can meet people online (just meet them in public at a coffee shop), or join a group, or go to gay bar (very difficult sometimes but remember YOU have to be approachable and you have to approach others).

The path for each person is unique.

Let us know how it goes and if you need help, don't hesitate to call on anyone of us.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

I'm not entirely sure your problems are linked with being gay. It sounds more like a social anxiety disorder and I'd suggest you seek professional counseling. I'm just afraid you'll come leaping out of the closet, or hit some gay club full of snide, snapping queens and it will backfire on you. If your self-esteem and confidence are not solid first, opening up the doors of your life might invite a pack of wolves in. Talk to someone who can be supportive, yet objective.

 

[wrestlingobsessed]

Life is definitely better if you’re out. You can’t have an active and satisfying social life if you’re hiding. You can’t have a healthy committed relationship if you can’t share you’re life with your partner. Spouses expect to share in things like holidays, family reunions, major life events, etc. Being gay is not about sex. It is about relationships: with whom do we want to share life.

However, the coming out process can be difficult. Change always involves giving something up. In some cases, the things we give up are precious to us. I’m 60 years old and have been working in the gay community for over 20 years. My observation is that the people who love you usually come around but many go through a difficult period.

I believe that what you gain in the long run makes you a happier person. My husband and I (we are legally married) have a large support network of loving family and friends, both gay and straight. We are parents and grandparents. We are well known and respected in our community. For me, it was an easy process that took place gradually over time. My own fear was my biggest obstacle. For him it was more difficult because he had built up a straight life with a wife of many years and children. But even his ex-wife and her family are among our friends today.

I don’t know where you live but if you are near a mid-size to large city or a progressive university, you probably have some resources close by that can help you become more comfortable with yourself. I believe strongly in support networks and I know there are many men in your situation in every community. Check out PFLAG (http://community.pflag.org). See if there is a gay student union at a nearby college. Visit the websites of the large gay community centers for links to other resources: New York, http://www.gaycenter.org/; San Francisco, http://www.sfcenter.org/; Los Angeles, http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer, Houston, http://www.houstonglbtcommunitycenter.org/. Google “lgbt center” and the name of a city and you’ll come with helpful resources.

You may decide that you don't want to come out but it's good to find out what resources are available to you/

Im from ireland thanks for the help.

 

[wrestlingobsessed]

I'm not entirely sure your problems are linked with being gay. It sounds more like a social anxiety disorder and I'd suggest you seek professional counseling. I'm just afraid you'll come leaping out of the closet, or hit some gay club full of snide, snapping queens and it will backfire on you. If your self-esteem and confidence are not solid first, opening up the doors of your life might invite a pack of wolves in. Talk to someone who can be supportive, yet objective.

Ya thanks 4 ur help thats the way I am.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Im a young guy who cant cope with being gay. Ive never been to a gay bar and have no guys to go with. Theres so many people to tell Im gay, I feel like a lot of people hate me.

Life improves radically for you when you come out, but it doesn't usually happen overnight.

You have to embrace who you are, and you have to start now.