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Doing the long distance thing?

S

SomeBoi

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I'm 21, and my guy is 20. We've been seeing eachother for the past 5 months, and we have had an amazing time! We're madly in love with eachother. Everything really does seem perfect, but there's one problem. I received my acceptance letter to a grad school 5 hours away (400KM), and I'm moving next week for the next 4 years. He is taking it really, really hard, and often cries when we are together. I have yet to cry infront of him about it because it really doesn't feel real yet.

Do we attempt a long distance relationship, or would it be easier on both of us to just let go now? Due to our busy schedules, we would be lucky to see eachother once a month, probably a lot less. I likely wouldn't be coming home for summers. I really don't know what the right thing is to do in this situation. He means a lot to me and I don't want to let him go, but I don't want to make him suffer for the next 4 years. He has a car, but doesn't make a lot of money so trips to see me would be very expensive, and I will be living with family that doesn't know about me or him, so him visiting will be difficult and will have to be a "friend visit" when he does come. I will be able to take the bus to see him, but again, not very often due to the workload of my program.

What would you do?
 
Instead of anticipating the future, why don't you wait and see how it goes. Relationships have been known to survive worse.
 
Long distance relationships can work, and even work well. However, that takes communication and commitment from both parties to make them work.

That said, I don't see much hope for your relationship given what you've posted. You are only moving 400 km apart / 5 hour drive, which isn't very far IMO. You two are already quite young for a LTR to work out, so given that, plus your general reluctance and resignation of your situation in ending the relationship, I'd say go concentrate on your school, and let your boyfriend move on to find someone else.

If I were truly in love with someone.... oh, wait, I am..... I'd move heaven and Earth to be together. If you think 400 km is bad, try 15,000km, living on 2 separate continents, and a 23 1/2 hour plane flight to be together. We've both done that trip for weekends before, even though that only left us about 50 hours to be together before having to leave again.

You have lots of options if you truly wanted to be together. You could come out of the closet so you could be together on weekends. He could move in with you even if that means you'd have to find a shitty, little, small 1 bdr. or studio apartment you could afford. You could scale back your program just a little to have more time together. Etc....

The thing is, there will ALWAYS be things that can get in the way of having a relationship if you let them. School, work, travel, distance, health, age, kids, you name it. You have to really want it, and be ready to make some compromises elsewhere in your life in order to make any relationship work.
 
I am the eternal optimist when it comes to advice about making relationships work. To be honest I'm seeing some serious problems ahead for the two of you. Unless he can move near you sometime in the next year the two of you will have a difficult time making this work unless you can skype a lot. As was suggested above give it a try. Perhaps he'll even join you at school.
 
I've had lots of experience with distance relationships. I've been with my partner for over a decade and he is a naval officer, so there have been many extended periods of separation. The keys to keeping things together are honesty, trust, and most importantly, communication.

No one here can forecast what is the best route for you to go. What you should do is just take it as it comes and deal with that. No use worrying about what could happen. Deal with the now, and see how that develops. As things progress, talk about what's going on. Communication is the biggest key here. Talk often; talk honestly.

You have the choice to open up to the family you will be staying with. That may or may not be realistic, given you will be dependent on them for living quarters for 4 years. You could test the waters through casual conversation to see how open they are to homosexuality. If its all good, hey, your bf can visit and stay every once in a while. If not, then save some cash between the both of you and rent a hotel for the weekends that he comes up to visit. You could also go back to visit him. Many options.

Its only as bleak as you make it out to be. As I see it, its a wonderful opportunity for you to pursue your grad studies. That is first and foremost. With your bf, there will be challenges, and its a long-term duration. Don't think about it too far ahead, just take it as it comes and deal with it on a daily or weekly basis. No one can project what will happen months from now, so try not to focus on that.

I wish you both the best of luck! Please come back here and let us know how things are going. There are a lot of people that are willing to listen.
 
This is a very difficult situation to be involved in. I can only give advice from my experience. When i was 20, my then boyfriend (my husband now) and I had been going for a little over 6 months, before he moved back to the Czech Republic to tie up some loose ends after his mother passed away (I live in New York City). He lived there for 3 years because he had to go through all of his families assets in that country.
The one thing I can say to you, is that if you decide to stay together, it will be one of the toughest things you have ever experienced. You will miss him everyday, and wish you could hold him in your arms. The only thing to really do is to remember why you love him, and hopefully those feelings remain, and get together with him whenever you can. It is hard, but eventually it is totally worth it. Best of luck to you both!
 
It takes a lot of good solid communication on both ends to make long distance relationships work . but honesly .. i`m sure than one if not both of you will find someone else.
 
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