Don't know what to do anymore. Desperately needs advice :(

[insecure-me]

Well, to start with, I'm a closet guy. Many people including my friends and family often question me about being gay but I always insist that I'm not because of the fear of being stereotyped by everyone.

My problem started during my college days. There was a friend that I don't usually notice but always tries his best to hang out with us (by "us" i meant me and my other close college friends). He is always joking and making us laugh due to the lameness of his jokes. We sometimes think that he may have a serious attention deficit disorder or something. For some reason, we started texting in the last couple of months and he admitted that I might be one of his closest friend. Before i know it, we really did become close and I often find myself just hanging out with him a whole lot more. And also, he have this habit of being sweet and saying things like "ily" to me. There was then a rumor that he had been in a relationship with my 'closet-but-obviously-gay friend" and i kept teasing him about it. He protested that there just might have a been a misinterpretation due to the sweet things he's saying. He then admitted that he's always saying sweet things to ALL of his closest friends.

One night my friends decided to have a sleep over at our house. We all slept in one mattress but he was particularly beside me at that time. In the middle of the night, he grabbed my hand and rubbed it in his bulging crotch. I kind of ignored it and remove my hand but he grabbed it again. The next morning, we didn't talk about it like it never happened. the following weeks, he visited me again, this time alone and we just hang out. Then we get kinky and talked about what happened during last time. He just laughed and grabbed my hand and rubbed it again like last time but nothing more than that happened. at this point, i'm getting confused for the feelings i have for him.

Now the REAL problem is that last week, he asked me to have a sleepover at his place. I did go and we watched some movies and he keep leaning on me or resting his head on my lap and other stuffs like that. Later, he revealed his porn stash (all straight porn,btw) and we end up jacking each other off. i often question his sexuality as a joke but he always insists that he's straight. later, things got serious and he stopped jerking me. he then asked me to continue giving him a handjob. I can't control myself and did let him finished with him promising that he'll do me next. But as he did finish, his mood started to change and i'm afraid that things may become awkward after this. This is my first time with another guy and i was confused and bothered by the things that happened. As usual, we pretended that nothing happened.

I always get the feeling now that our friendship kind of changed. i think he is trying to drive me away by saying things like how awesome it was to hang out with his other guy friends whom he know that i don't like. And now I'm afraid that we might slowly become strangers to each other. I want to go back to the time that we're just fooling around. He's not texting me anymore and I'm really devastated. I get to see him everyday though (in campus) but still. any advice to our "relationship"?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB.

My gut reaction to your story is to explain that there can be no real relationship without honesty. Neither of you have been honest with the other. You have essentially come out to him without admitting it and it seems he has run deeper in the closet. Being yourself and being out is what breaks stereotypes. And as far as gay stereotypes, who cares? Some of those stereotypes are things all people could aspire to.

 

[Ilvcock2]

Sounds to me, you both were trying to come out. But were scared. Sounds like You need to come out! Being Gay is Great! No shame in it! Don't worry, Be HAPPY! or You can be miserable, for the rest of your life. Ask me? I just came out and I was miserable, till I did. Darn Glad I DID!!

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

awe buddy, I just want to give you hug. Im in process of coming and feels pretty great. Even though wasnt expecting much just because im pretty masculine and no one expected but at some time all responses I get is. "really?, would of never guess that." or one friend told me Im going be the best wing man ever now can just be complete ass to girls, and let him move in for the nice guy act.

point is its not as bad as it seems. I know it seems really scary, but its a leap of faith that you have to take at some point.

I say talk to your friend about your feelings, ask him whats up. other are right, he got scared back deeper in closet. I did same thing as your friend did, when i had my first gay experience with a friend. I now feel awful about how I treated him afterwards. What I was scared of is that he would get drunk and blurt it out, so I distanced my self from him. Your friend is probably doing the same. Hes purposely hanging out with people you dont like, because he knows you will never hang out with them.

Talk to you friend about it, then start coming out to your friends. It might encourage him to do the same.

Hang in there buddy, and stay around here, these guys are extremely helpful and nice.

 

[insecure-me]

Well the thing is, I'm getting the feeling that he is NOT gay at all. All his porn stash are all straight and his collection is ridiculously huge. I think he even let us discover on purpose his other porn collection in his phone.

During the same night of THE event, he told me how that wasn't his first time and he often let guys from his HS do him (he used to stay in a boarding school). This of course made me feel that I'm just one of those poor kids that he can add to his "my admirers" collection. He also told me that he did an oral to a girl once. I can't tell if he was lying or is actually telling the truth. All i know is that everything is not the same thing as it used to be. Don't get me wrong, we still hang out but there is and i think will always be this 'awkward' feeling.

I'm dying to come out of the closet. I know that most of my friends can easily accept this but what I fear is the reaction of my family. Never in both my mother and father side did we have someone to come out openly as one. I have no sister at all and I think the only one who can accept me is my mother. I'm really confused at the moment because I'm pretty sure that I have a period wherein I find a girl 'attractive' but never liked the idea of having sex with them. I really don't know what to do now.

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

Well you say you go to college, so you probably dont live at home right, no reason why you have to come out to your parents same time you come out with your friends. I dont plain on coming out to my parents till i bring home a boyfriend for them to meet lol

 

[evanrick]

just cuz ur straight doesnt mean you dont want a little manaction right? im still getting over the fact that straight guys can have it easy with other men because they pretend to be 'straight'. might have to steal that idea.

 

[insecure-me]

Well you say you go to college, so you probably dont live at home right, no reason why you have to come out to your parents same time you come out with your friends. I dont plain on coming out to my parents till i bring home a boyfriend for them to meet lol

I can't see how coming out to my friends will make it impossible for my parents not to know. I mean sooner or later they would just figure things out and I'm just not prepared for that.

And will this 'coming out' thing help my issue with my friend?

 

[Ganoderma]

I can't see how coming out to my friends will make it impossible for my parents not to know. I mean sooner or later they would just figure things out and I'm just not prepared for that. And will this 'coming out' thing help my issue with my friend?

hi Insecure-me,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask any question you like. There are alot of guys over here who like to help you with your problems.

You told us that your friend has a huge collection of porn (also on his mobile), and it seems to me that you talk with him about porn. So I was wondering if you also have a porn collection and/or what you tell him when he is asking about your porn collection. What kind of argument do you provide to hide that you have gay porn (or that you like to watch gay porn on the internet, etc).

Definately, telling your friend that you are gay will clarify alot. I tend to think that you friend is already aware that you are 'not much interested in girls'. I mean, you don't have a girlfriend, you don't have (?) straight porn, etc. Definately, your friend will have his thoughts about your sexual orientation, especially as you told us that he likes sex alot, and that he has alot of experience with 'messing around with guys'.

How far are you living away from the house of your parents? I wouldn't bother too much when the distance is large. Is there also some sort of gay club or a gay-straight alliance? Thought to join this to make some gay friends?

Finally, I tend to think that's its not a very big deal for him that he had sex with you. He has alot of experience, and he seems relaxed on having sex with other guys (and telling the whole world he is straight). So better don't question his sexual orientation (that's something of himself), but try to be honest about yourself. So you are a gay guy, and there is nothing wrong with being gay.

Hey man, if you really have the idea that several of your school mates will not make problems when it becomes clear that you are gay...... Then why not tell them, and gain alot of self esteem when you find out that they like you as much as always. This feeling, and the experience will make you more strong.

Anyway, you have to decide for yourself, I am just giving you some advice.

Take care & best wishes & feel free to react or ask more questions.

 

[insecure-me]

hi Insecure-me,

You told us that your friend has a huge collection of porn (also on his mobile), and it seems to me that you talk with him about porn. So I was wondering if you also have a porn collection and/or what you tell him when he is asking about your porn collection. What kind of argument do you provide to hide that you have gay porn (or that you like to watch gay porn on the internet, etc).

I often say that I don't download porn. Instead, I prefer just watching them online (which i really do) and my friend then assumed that they were straight porn.

This past few days, I'm now quite sure whether things became better or worse. The awkward feeling is beginning to drop but he is still doing things he knew that I wouldn't be happy to know like what happened earlier. We were eating lunch earlier (just us) and he keeps texting while trying to have a conversation with me. Obviously he is texting his OTHER guy friend because he keeps smiling and also because he is showing me their conversation. This would not be bothering if it weren't for the things they say to each other like "I love you" and "i miss you" and other stuffs like that (they insists that they're both straight too). I'm not quite sure if he is trying to make me feel jealous or something but I always pretend to be happy and insists on how sweet they were. Of course I got really upset after knowing that he really do the sweet things with another guy which I thought he only used to do with me.
I know i sounds like a really jealous drama queen but that's because I really am. I never find the right time to talk to him about the stuffs thats been happening.

I'm not sure whether I should continue this "lets-forget-everything-that-happened-and-never-talk-about-it" thing. He never opens the topic himself but there are times wherein we tease him with my other closeted-but-obvious-gay friend with all the things that they have done before (which only includes texting sweet stuffs too). I always laugh with them but I'm really scared if they know that we also used to do that. And also about that guy which he is texting now, i don't like him very much (because of some other factors) and I don't know what to do!!