Don't know what to do...

[lonelyheart500]

Hey guys,

I have posted here a few times before and your advice has really been great. I am 22 years old and have had a girlfriend back in my college days (when I was 17 about). We never did anything sexual though and we only lasted for a month. I have always been "checking out" guys in a way, but I do find some women attractive as well. I am not a very sexual person, let's just put it that way.. I don't feel sexually attracted to women though, and when it comes to guys I am not interested in the whole anal sex thing, but that's just me.

This summer (I'm 22 now) I started searching for guys on personals sites and found a really nice guy who treats me really well and cares for me genuinely. We went out for about a month and then I broke up with him eventually because I was unsure about myself and what I really wanted in life. I felt that if I was unsure about my orientation, that I shouldn't just "lead him on" in that respect. We continued to be friends and I told him that I was unsure of myself. Meanwhile, while I was going out with him, my parents found out that I was seeing a guy and while my mom partially accepts it my father was completely furious (he has an older mentality). I don't think my father will ever look at me the same way and I strongly dislike him for not accepting me for who I am. He said things like: no one else in our family is gay, you don't act gay,bla bla bla.... He said that he will never accept somthing like that and that I need therapy and that I need to find a woman or else I will go "the wrong way". He made me feel horrible and I'm sure he felt the same way. He still makes me feel bad and I feel like he is always watching where I am going and who I'm hanging out with, meanwhile I'm 22!!! Once when I went out with my ex boyfriend he told me: "don't dissapoint me". I was extremely angry when he said that.

Anyways, me and my ex boyfriend are still really close friends and I know he still has feelings for me. I like him a lot too, but there is so much pressure on me right now... Guys, the thing is that I REALLY want to have my own kids one day and my mother told me that she would really love to have granchildren(she was in tears when she said this). Whenever I think about never having kids of my own calling me "daddy" I get really sad...I know that I could adopt kids, but I want kids that are my own blood that will be my future. But the thing is that I don't know to what extent I could love a woman and if I did, if I would be denying my true self. I dont know what to do, because my ex boyfriend still cares about me very much (he won't let go and neither will I in a way...) and then there is the thought that if I stay too close to him, I will never move towards women.

Meanwhile, I am in university in my final year and I still spend lots of time with my ex boyfriend and I often stay over at his place. We spend time together, but we are not commited to each other. We phone each other and watch movies and all that stuff. I feel good when I am with him and so does he. Of course my dad doesn't like the fact that I still spend time with my ex, but my mom accepts it in a way. I have spoken to my best friend about the situation and she said to take it one day at a time and to not think about it too much. Guys, I am facing a real dilemma here and I really don't know how to approach the situation.

Anyone's advice would be greatly appreciated. Many days I just feel like maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but do I feel this way because of pressure from my parents and society? I get a bit depressed sometimes thinking about this and the future. What should I do?? Should I stop seeing my ex boyfriend and move in the other direction? I could never ditch him cause he is so nice with me and I still care about him a lot as a person. Thanks so much guys!!

Have a good day.

Jon

 

[douseiai]

i'm not going to tell you to stop looking at guys because it may not be the answer... if you don't like guys you don't like guys most of us are not prejudiced against straight men and i would only tell you to follow your heart...

for the anal sex bit plenty of gay couples do not have anal sex they do a variety of other things that still gives sexual pleasure...

as far as children of your own blood there are plenty of ways you can do that... you an get a surraget mom to carry the child and get her insemenated with your own stuffs... for instance my sister flat out told me that if i want a child of my own blood then she would happily carry it for me after she has a child of her own... so believe me there are options along those lines....

i think its cool that your friends with your ex... you have simply shifted your relationship and in my opinion you can shift back should you want to...

everyone feels pressured by society and family to conform this way or that... its part of civilization... if you get depressed thinking of the future i would ask why? is it the kids thing? the family thing? what? plenty of gay couples stay together for a long time and live as happy as straight people...

*shrug*

 

[Roland00]

Hey guys,

I have posted here a few times before and your advice has really been great. I am 22 years old and have had a girlfriend back in my college days (when I was 17 about). We never did anything sexual though and we only lasted for a month. I have always been "checking out" guys in a way, but I do find some women attractive as well. I am not a very sexual person, let's just put it that way.. I don't feel sexually attracted to women though, and when it comes to guys I am not interested in the whole anal sex thing, but that's just me.

Believe it or not, not all gay or bi guys are into anal. Not all straight guys are into anal, yet some love it when there women play with their assholes. You don’t have to do anal to be queer

This summer (I'm 22 now) I started searching for guys on personals sites and found a really nice guy who treats me really well and cares for me genuinely. We went out for about a month and then I broke up with him eventually because I was unsure about myself and what I really wanted in life. I felt that if I was unsure about my orientation, that I shouldn't just "lead him on" in that respect. We continued to be friends and I told him that I was unsure of myself. Meanwhile, while I was going out with him, my parents found out that I was seeing a guy and while my mom partially accepts it my father was completely furious (he has an older mentality). I don't think my father will ever look at me the same way and I strongly dislike him for not accepting me for who I am. He said things like: no one else in our family is gay, you don't act gay,bla bla bla.... He said that he will never accept somthing like that and that I need therapy and that I need to find a woman or else I will go "the wrong way". He made me feel horrible and I'm sure he felt the same way. He still makes me feel bad and I feel like he is always watching where I am going and who I'm hanging out with, meanwhile I'm 22!!! Once when I went out with my ex boyfriend he told me: "don't dissapoint me". I was extremely angry when he said that.

What your father is doing is called emotional abuse. He should love you for who you are, regardless of whether you date a boy or not. You are still his son, and he should love and appreciate you for no other reason then that. If his love will suddenly end, and you will only receive ire from him, then he doesn’t care for you really.

You need to establish boundaries with your father, tell him that you love him, but it is your life. He has no right to shame you, to make you feel less of yourself, if you don’t’ live up to his ideal. It isn't you who has a problem its him. He is the one who needs to grow up.

Anyways, me and my ex boyfriend are still really close friends and I know he still has feelings for me. I like him a lot too, but there is so much pressure on me right now... Guys, the thing is that I REALLY want to have my own kids one day and my mother told me that she would really love to have granchildren(she was in tears when she said this). Whenever I think about never having kids of my own calling me "daddy" I get really sad...I know that I could adopt kids, but I want kids that are my own blood that will be my future. But the thing is that I don't know to what extent I could love a woman and if I did, if I would be denying my true self. I dont know what to do, because my ex boyfriend still cares about me very much (he won't let go and neither will I in a way...) and then there is the thought that if I stay too close to him, I will never move towards women.

Do you want children, or does your mom want grandchildren? You can both want children, but which is the greater force, who wants them more in your mind?

Remember if you do want to settle down with a man, there is always artifical insemination. There is also adoption, I know what you mean about having kids who are actually your kids, but I have a feeling once you have that bouncing ball of joy, who runs around all day, and then comes back to you and needs you, I don't think it will matter anymore for you.

Meanwhile, I am in university in my final year and I still spend lots of time with my ex boyfriend and I often stay over at his place. We spend time together, but we are not commited to each other. We phone each other and watch movies and all that stuff. I feel good when I am with him and so does he. Of course my dad doesn't like the fact that I still spend time with my ex, but my mom accepts it in a way. I have spoken to my best friend about the situation and she said to take it one day at a time and to not think about it too much. Guys, I am facing a real dilemma here and I really don't know how to approach the situation.

Anyone's advice would be greatly appreciated. Many days I just feel like maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but do I feel this way because of pressure from my parents and society? I get a bit depressed sometimes thinking about this and the future. What should I do?? Should I stop seeing my ex boyfriend and move in the other direction? I could never ditch him cause he is so nice with me and I still care about him a lot as a person. Thanks so much guys!!

I bet I can tell you right now why you are depressed, for your situation sounds like me just a year ago.

I am the oldest child of my family, always the person who gets stuff done, is successful, and is an inspiration to others. I did it because it was my job to do so, and I wanted to make it easier for my siblings and family in life. If I could do something to make their life easier, I would already being doing it. Stress was something that forced me to do greater things, it was energy that pushed me to greater heights.

All this changed a few years ago when I began college. Nothing at first change, I was still myself, still the person who was hard on himself, to cause myself to be better. Still the person who was worried about everything. Except now all the things I was worrying about was much farther in the future, there was no immediate goalpost, no endpoint where I can say I made it, I can relax before I allowed myself to continue climbing the mountain. Eventually the stress began to eat at me, stress about my future occupation, how my siblings were going to pay for college, my sexuality, working while at the same time going to school, midterms, exams, final grades which my employer will see. Eventually stress turn into depression, and it began a self fulfilling cycle, I wasn’t my best due to all the stress/depression, thus I worried more and more.

What changed all this was me being kicked out of the house 4 and ½ months ago. My mom couldn’t deal with my sexuality, so she kicked me out, for she just couldn’t deal with it. It showed me that my mom was still emotionally a child, she just couldn’t deal with some things in life, and since she couldn’t deal with them, she made them go away. She still loves me in a weird way, but she is more in love with an idea, a fantasy. This isn’t true love, and I deserve better. Its amazing, I would have done anything for her, I mean anything until she kicked me out.









After wards, I realized what I was doing. First I was worrying way too much. Second I was looking for others approval, instead of my own aproval. I was spreading myself so thin, that I didn't have time for me, I didn’t take care of myself. You need to do that Jon, you should be the number one priority in your life, no one matters more important to this world than you. You need to take care of yourself and your own needs, stop worrying about what others would think, or what they want to do, and just live in the moment. You have stop paying attention about yourself for so long, that you did even realize that part of you is lacking. Because of this you seem so thin, so empty, so stressed, and depressed. Slow down, do what makes you happy, and start nurturing yourself Jon. You may not know what you want immediately, but until you slow down and just relax you never will figure out what you want.

You need to stop trying being the architect of your life. Stop trying to plan it all out. Stop worrying. An architect by himself will never build a house. Instead he will just constantly redesign it, day after day. It will only be a house on paper. You need to be the bricklayer, the person who works one brick at a time, who lives life in the moment, not day after day, not year after year, but one moment at a time. Stop trying to live life in the future, you will never actually live in the future, the future is just a fantasy, you only have the present. When was the last time Jon that you allowed yourself to have fun?

When you realize this, is when your stress will end, and you will have some idea about what to do with the future. It will appear to you in an epiphany, it won’t happen immediately, but when it does, you will know

Have a good day.

Jon

You Too Jon Such a pretty name


As for your boyfriend, I aint touching that with a eleven foot pole. Right now you want someone else to tell you what to do. You aren't listening to yourself, I aint going to give you advice in this matter, for it should be you who makes the decision, he is your boyfriend/friend afterall.

 

[runner]

I REALLY want to have my own kids one day

If this is really true, you will have to have a woman to accomplish this. But if you do take a woman, let her know from the beginning about your attraction to men too.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Thanks so much you guys,

I really appreciate your advice. Like I said, I don't really know what I am and don't know if I could ever even love a woman. I just feel as though there is so much pressure from society and from family and all that it's hard to make my own decisions. I know that I have to live my life for myself and not conform to the wants/needs of other people. It's my own happiness that matters right?

I know my parents should understand that but I know my dad never will. I feel like a true father wouldn't make me feel so bad about myself after being honest with him. In a way, I will never look at him the same way again. He even said things like: "what did we do wrong for you to turn out like this" and "I'll make you like women". Again, I am not saying I don't like women, I just feel more attracted to men, and have felt this way for a while. Perhaps I could love a woman...I don't know. I just feel as though my dad is being greedy because he never would want to explain to his family(brothers and sisters) that one of his sons is gay because he is too ashamed of it. He called me a "1% minority" and told me that I only like men because I feel "weak inside". I feel as though he just wants what's best for him and not for me. I hate my dad for the way he looks at me and talks to me these days... My mother told me that she knows he has an older mentality but that she would prefer if I did end up marrying a woman one day. Meanwhile, I am trying to focus on school because I'm in my last year of engineering at university and I have all this stuff to think about...

Like I said, I enjoy spending time with my ex boyfriend/friend, even though we are not commited. We still cuddle and stuff and watch movies together and do cool things. He even asked me if he thinks we will ever get back together and I told him that I don't know. And that's just it, I don't know anything right now...I like to spend time with him, but I know that he is still attracted to me and loves me as a person. He even told me that on the phone the other night. That makes things even harder. The only reason I am not his boyfriend is because he shouldn't have to deal with someone like me who is uncertain about himself (he is gay and accepts himself and he is 20 years old). Therefore, we are not commited to each other, but we still both love hanging around each other and he tells me many times that he is glad that I am a part of his life. There is no way in hell I'm going to ditch him just because of what other people think. If anything, he has become one of the few people in my life that I can actually talk to and confide in. I just don't know if we will ever get back together and I feel that staying with him now as a friend will only make things harder one day if I do find a woman...

But, I'll be honest here. If two men could have kids together, I wouldn't mind being being with a guy for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that's not the case. It's the fact that I want my own blood children one day that really gets to me. That and the pressure from my parents and society are what is getting to me. So I don't know if I am trying to fight off my true sexuality here because of the kids or not. I will keep you guys posted.

Anyways, just typing this up helps me out so much. Thanks for listening you guys. I really love having a place like this where I can type and have people just listen to what I have to say, so I feel like I am not alone. Take care and have a good evening!

Jon

 

[Pegasus69]

The only thing that I feel the need to add to this is that in regards to your father, I would highly suggest that he get the therapy to help him deal with this. If not, then therapy for yourself may not be a bad idea to give you the tools to prevent the emotional abuse from being too much on you.

 

[Riverrick]

Jon, you already seem to be seeing things a little bit clearer since the last few posts. Roland's post is a tour de force and I can tell he has helped you. Its worth reading over and over again.

You seem to understand your father very well. I'm sorry that he puts his shame first and you second or third. As hard as it is to face that, you'll feel a little less crazy understanding what's really going on. I agree with Roland. His job is to love you just as you are. From what I can tell about you in these posts, that should be a very easy job.

I think I will comment on the ex-bf. I think at the very least, you love him. But you're afraid of hurting him someday because you might move on to be with a girl. And though you've told him this, he is still with you and by your side. So why not live life in the present and enjoy having a boyfriend again? Having a girlfriend may never come to pass.

I think you have a good head on your shoulders, Jon. Good luck!

 

[Roland00]

Thanks so much you guys,

I really appreciate your advice. Like I said, I don't really know what I am and don't know if I could ever even love a woman. I just feel as though there is so much pressure from society and from family and all that it's hard to make my own decisions. I know that I have to live my life for myself and not conform to the wants/needs of other people. It's my own happiness that matters right?

I know my parents should understand that but I know my dad never will. I feel like a true father wouldn't make me feel so bad about myself after being honest with him. In a way, I will never look at him the same way again. He even said things like: "what did we do wrong for you to turn out like this" and "I'll make you like women". Again, I am not saying I don't like women, I just feel more attracted to men, and have felt this way for a while. Perhaps I could love a woman...I don't know. I just feel as though my dad is being greedy because he never would want to explain to his family(brothers and sisters) that one of his sons is gay because he is too ashamed of it. He called me a "1% minority" and told me that I only like men because I feel "weak inside". I feel as though he just wants what's best for him and not for me. I hate my dad for the way he looks at me and talks to me these days... My mother told me that she knows he has an older mentality but that she would prefer if I did end up marrying a woman one day. Meanwhile, I am trying to focus on school because I'm in my last year of engineering at university and I have all this stuff to think about...

You need to tell your dad to stop. You need to stand up for yourself and establish boundaries. He probally wont' change, but you are doing this for your sake not his. Just tell him to shut the *expletive* up.

Like I said, I enjoy spending time with my ex boyfriend/friend, even though we are not commited. We still cuddle and stuff and watch movies together and do cool things. He even asked me if he thinks we will ever get back together and I told him that I don't know. And that's just it, I don't know anything right now...I like to spend time with him, but I know that he is still attracted to me and loves me as a person. He even told me that on the phone the other night. That makes things even harder. The only reason I am not his boyfriend is because he shouldn't have to deal with someone like me who is uncertain about himself (he is gay and accepts himself and he is 20 years old). Therefore, we are not commited to each other, but we still both love hanging around each other and he tells me many times that he is glad that I am a part of his life. There is no way in hell I'm going to ditch him just because of what other people think. If anything, he has become one of the few people in my life that I can actually talk to and confide in. I just don't know if we will ever get back together and I feel that staying with him now as a friend will only make things harder one day if I do find a woman..

A question, have you ever been sexually excited by a women? I don't mean get an errection, but has your heart ever raced for one, has it seem like your blood is on fire? For if you haven't then most likely it never will. I am sorry if this is depressing, I don't like to be the bearer of bad news I am just being truthful...

But, I'll be honest here. If two men could have kids together, I wouldn't mind being being with a guy for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that's not the case. It's the fact that I want my own blood children one day that really gets to me. That and the pressure from my parents and society are what is getting to me. So I don't know if I am trying to fight off my true sexuality here because of the kids or not. I will keep you guys posted.

Its called artifical insemination. You will have to have a mother who bares the child though. You may find this unethical but there are some mothers who will be a birthing tank for 9 months for several thousand dollars.

Eventually it will be scientifically possible for a child to be composed of dna from two fathers. (Short science explanation, you get a stem cell from one father, and coerce it into becomming an egg cell, then you just implant the sperm, that or strip the dna from one sperm, implant it into an empty egg, and then insert the dna from another sperm.) You will still need a mother to bear the child for 9 months. (Note I doubt this will change your mind for I sense you have ethical problems with it).

Anyways, just typing this up helps me out so much. Thanks for listening you guys. I really love having a place like this where I can type and have people just listen to what I have to say, so I feel like I am not alone. Take care and have a good evening!

Jon

Why do you think you aren't worth it for some other man to date you? Since you don't know about you future? That is a silly reason and its just an excuse in your mind. Since you are still comming out? This isn't a problem if you tell the guy upfront and he knows about it, it is his decision whether or not to date you.

Jon I sense some internalized shame inside you, that you don't believe you are good enough, that you aren't unique or special, that you don't believe you deserve to be happy. If this is the case, you need to know you aren't the only one who has felt this way throughout their life, I am one person who used to feel this way, and sometimes with very bad days I do too. Most gay men deal with this, and alot of straight people do too.

You need to realize that the only person putting limits on your life is you.

 

[confusedboy23]

Reading this thread was like looking into mirror and all I could see was me! Believe or not, lonelyheart500, I had very similar thoughts if not the exact same as yours since April this year.

I might just quickly share with you my story. I have always been fascinated with the idea of penises and have realised my attraction for guys since I was 13. Like you, I have always had girlfriends and I do admit that I am (emotionally and somewhat sexually) attracted to them as well although I am still unsure of which attracts me more even until today. In the past, I did have my fair share of casual hookups with random guys thinking I was in it for the sex only. I never thought I could fall in love with a guy but I did and we were together for a short while.

I was exactly like you and I was totally unprepared but I'm glad that I was totally honest with him. I told him of my love for him and how I was still unsure of myself. He was very supportive of me and he wanted me. So we were 'in love' for a while before he went back to his ex (but that's a different story).

OK, I guess my point is, he knows of your confusion and he has stuck by you. You have been honest with him all along. He wants to help you discover yourself and he wants to support you. As Riverrick has said, why don't you live life with him as a couple again? Well, you never know, you might just realise that your attraction to guys could be stronger than your attraction to girls. By doing so, you are giving the both of you a chance.

I can't tell you what to do with you family especially your dad because I am still 100% in the closet and all families are just different. What I'm planning on doing is develop myself professionally to prove to the world that I am not the 'weaker' race if I ever came out as gay and that I could still be who I am even if I chose to sleep with guys instead of girls. That's one of the greatest lesson I have learnt from my ex.......

 

[wentworth]

About the kids thing: It's going to be almost impossible to have kids without adopting. So be prepared for that. You may find a surrogate, but that is not very common, and unlikely to be so in the future due to cost and issues of custody etc.

In life you have to make choices, so be prepared to make a choice here sooner or later; whatever you decide to do.

P.S. Artificial insemination is already very expensive--and risky (even though it's thirty years old tech); so there is no way it's going to be affordable for you to take any future stem cell route--if it's ever invented.