Drifting apart

[TygreBryte]

fifteen years is a long time. Like, two marriage's worth. I hope you guys have had some fun together.

Are there things you do together that are interesting and e
engaging for both of you?

 

[KaraBulut]

He thinks I met my partner and got into the relationship too soon after coming out (it was less than a year) so did not give myself a chance to really get to know many other gay people and experience a gay lifestyle. It is true that he is the first person I had sex with since coming out (excluding stuff at school etc) and the gay social life here at that time was almost non-existent. I probably was too desperate to get a partner and when he came along I grabbed the chance.

That's an interest perspective but honestly, the story you have recited sounds like the story of many straight men and their marriages. Talk to your straight peers and you'll find that many of them are staying in their marriages until their kids are grown and after that, they wonder if they will continue to stay married.

It's a breakthrough that you've been with your partner in a marriage arrangement for 15 years. It's a breakthrough that gay couples are becoming more and more like their straight peers.

But it's almost like the story about the dog that chases the car- what happens if he catches it?

Marriage is the new battleground for gay political activism but we really haven't given much though or planning to the issues that cause straight marriages to fail- infidelity, substance abuse and just the growing apart that happens with time.

Here's the reality of the situation: the two of you have changed from a "we" into a "me".

For your situation, I would recommend what I would recommend for a straight couple- relationship counseling. If you partner won't attend with you, then you need to get counseling and figure out what you are going to do.

If your partner isn't interested in counseling, there's no "we" to fix anymore.

 

[josher]

^^That is some of the best advice I've ever read in this forum.

 

[rareboy]

I know we should talk about things. But if he is not seeing any of the problems and is completely happy then any discussion will make things much worse. It could force a separation.

You've answered your own question.

Print off your post to the board and hand it to him to read if you can't talk about your feelings.

It is also possible that you love one another deeply, but just don't have passion.

Maybe he's depressed at his midlife stage.

Frankly, he sounds like a bit of a dick to me if he complains about the cost of a Valentine's Day card. I'm not sure I'd want another 15 years of that.

I've been with the same guy for 25 years. We're like many other couples where the friendship and shared experiences are more important than unbridled passion.

Figure out what you want from your relationship and then find out what he wants as well. Maybe you will break up. Maybe you will redefine your partnership to make it more open.

 

[texan_slant]

Life is too short - follow your intuition. You've pretty much hit the nail on the head, and now, it's all in your acceptance of things present, and it's a matter of time before you decide how you want to move *forward*.

You're bound for a huge change in your life - and your choices will fall into place as you go through all of the steps of figuring out what you both want and need. You can very well flourish, or go your separate ways, but the hard part now is that you can't go through this process alone - your partner has to be involved, and his actions/reactions will also be determining factors for you as emotionally-wrenching as it sounds.

 

[swerve]

Dude...

You are in your 40's...

AND...

You've been together for FIFTEEN YEARS!!!

RECONNECT....

RECONFIRM your COMMITMENT to each other to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE's together...

And if you're having difficulty getting along -- DISCUSS IT!!!

Best of luck to you...

And...

CONGRATULATIONS on the 15 years together!!!

 

[michaelarchangel]

Here is all i have to say, when you are away from him does he enter your thoughts? If so then you are fine. Just like any other couple that has been together for a long time. Don't make the mistake of throwing away your life partner for someone you click with, because chances are that person you think you have this great communication with will be completely different when you live together. However, if you find that you are much happier when you are away from him then you may want to consider moving on.

 

[Blueboy369]

Appreciate what you have. Find ways to enjoy eachothers company. Crawl into bed with him. Communicate to him how you feel. It's worth a try.

 

[drhladnjak]

The two of you need to talk about all of this, either just the two of you or with the help of a couples counselor. The two of you need to make the choice either to separate or to work hard to reconnect/recommit. Unfortunately, I don't see the current situation as sustainable. You'll just continue to drift apart. In fact, if you continue along the current trajectory, things will probably get ugly and end badly once one of you falls for somebody else. You've gotta fix it or end it in a rational, mutually agreeable way.