Drop in Confidence Led to Being a "Boy Friday" to Someone I've Lost Attraction For- Advice Needed

[erobert]

I'm in need of some advice about a two related issues.

First, I'm not into hooking up and being a fuck buddy but a few months ago I let my standards slip and started seeing a guy as on a "fuck buddy" who I met at a gaybar here in Boystown. I've seen him 3 times but after the 2nd time started to loose any initial attraction since he isn't really my type. After leaving his place the next morning I felt awful with myself since this is a situation I don't want- in fact I think it distracts me from what I want: to have a loving relationship with my next boyfriend. Not someone who texts me because they're horny/ lonely.... who I'm not even attracted to anyway Ever since my ex and I broke up a few years ago I've been trying to get back on track with my relationship goals.

The second issue, which I think got me into this situation, is being able to attract my types but for some reason not being able to keep their interest. I've had a frustrating roll-a-coaster experience last year of first dates usually not leading to second dates for some reason. I don't think it's because of not being attractive or anything but something else is going on. This led to a drop in confidence after a string of these rejections (both passive and verbal) I'll catch myself thinking "I probably can't even attract him; he'll just reject me like the other guys?" when I see a guy around my age who is my type and someone I would want to date. Best to squash this mindset before it becomes a self defeating attitude. The interesting thing is though is my ex was my exactly my type (athletic, intelligent, etc) who I met through a mutual friend so I am capable of growing relationships with my "types" of guys but I've retreated from putting myself out there to them due to go nowhere dates.

I'm worried I settled for being a fuck buddy to a guy I'm not interested in due to this drop in confidence and think "Well, this is the best I can do now". I think it's best to stop seeing him altogether (how do I tell him this without hurting his feelings?) since it makes me feel awful/ guilty, takes focus and time away from growing a LTR with a guy who is mutually attracted to & interested in me. All in all it's best to be spending that time developing myself into the best version of myself and making more friends in the city.

What do you guys think?

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot of different types of relationships that get categorized as "fuckbuddies". It can range from the "booty call" variety where there's really nothing beyond a mutual horniness/nothing else (or no one else) to do... to someone who is a good friend with whom you have great sex but with whom there is no romantic spark.

There's nothing wrong with any of the different varieties of fuckbuddy as long as everyone is getting what they want.

What is wrong in your case is largely centered around the "as long as everyone is getting what they want" part of that sentence. You're wanting something else with someone else. If that is the case, then either find a fuckbuddy that you're more compatible with or put your energy into finding someone that you have a romantic connection with.

 

[TX-Beau]

The vast majority of first dates don't go anywhere. That's true for everyone, either you don't click with him, or it's the other way around. It's a lot easier to find a fuck than a relationship. Perhaps you should just give yourself a break and relax.

 

[Seasoned]

Life seems best when a person simply does what he wants to do and doesn't do what he doesn't want to do. That seems like a big DUH, but we all continuously over complicate things with all kinds of compromise.

We all have types, but do be open to getting to know people. I thought I had a type in 1983 then I met a guy outside that type. We'll be celebrating our 34th anniversary this summer n

 

[erobert]

Thanks for the advice all.

Seasoned agree, especially with this bit: "But we all continuously over complicate things with all kinds of compromise."

Well, there's been an interesting development. I met 3 guys, all of which are roommates and all of who are very good looking and slightly younger than me, while out a bar this weekend. Somewhat unbelievable since I was wondering if I was Quasimodo last week. They seemed interested in me (I think) and I chatted them up. After a while we exchanged numbers and one of them said I "should hang out sometime with them". I said def. I want to text him back but don't want to seem too eager.... I'll wait till Wed I guess since texting back on Valentines Day might be a bit strange. I do really want to see them again but don't want to get ahead of myself. But then again maybe I'm overthinking and over complicating things.

Nothing for months and then everything... Guess you need to be ready for anything which is why mindset about yourself is important when putting yourself out there.

 

[mcbrion]

"I want to text him back but don't want to seem too eager.... I'll wait till Wed I guess since texting back on Valentines Day might be a bit strange. I do really want to see them again but don't want to get ahead of myself. But then again maybe I'm overthinking and over complicating things."

The so-called "I-should-wait-x-days-to-call is another example of overcomplicating things. Someone with all their marbles doesn't say, "Oh, he called too soon. I don't want to date someone like that." That's playing childish games. And if you call them the next day and suddenly they don't want to see you, you can be sure that their "marbles" are differently arranged than what you are looking for.
And basing your attractiveness on how others see you is a trap as well. There is so much of the "I-have-to-get-muscles-to-attract-a-guy'' mentality is not a healthy one, despite what things seem like. As an example, I'm Black. If I based my love life on the number of guys who rejected me, I'd be pretty unhappy. And I have muscles, so that doesn't protect you from rejection. But I'm okay with myself, so if someone didn't want to date (other than as a sex partner), I'd just say, that's not me, sorry, but I'm sure you can find someone who wants what you want. And that way, I didn't trip on "oh, did he reject me because I'm Black," (as if their opinion of me mattered more too me than my own) or was that that I'm too "old" (I care even less about that) or was I too playful? I learned in the 50s and 60s that I couldn't trust society to see past my color, so I thought "fuck 'em. If they're that shallow, I don't even want to know 'em.
So now I'm dating a genuinely wonderful guy who isn't muscular (and whom I have to reassure that I don't care, he looks plenty good to me and to not worry that someone's going to steal me away)(at 65, no less). But even if I wasn't, I'd be okay with that, too.

If you let society TELL you who you should be, you aren't going to be ANYbody. Just a collection of "shoulds". A bit like the Frankenstein monster: this person's body, and this amount of income, and take this kind of vacation. In other words, you're just blow about like a scrap of paper. Learn who you are inside, and find a guy who complements you, not just compliments you (based on your looks).

 

[mcbrion]

By the way, when I wrote "in the 50s and 60s," I didn't mean my age. I meant the 1950s and 1960s, when society was pretty hateful towards minorities. My attitude then was the same as now: observe, assess and then take action.