Dumb Boy Problem

[Wyzeguy]

Hey Guys, I've lurked here for a long time but it's late and I'm vexed so I thought it might be fun (helpful?) to post. Fair warning, this problem is probably stupid but i can't seem to get past it so I wanted some feedback.

Here goes...

I have a friend, we've known each other since college and we're very close. We were roommates in college, and then briefly after college when we were both living in the same city. I moved abroad and he joined the military but we've kept in touch, and now that I'm back in the states we visit and try to take at least one trip per year. (We often joke about how sad it is that we have no one to vacation with but each other but I enjoy traveling with him.) He's straight, obviously I'm not, but this isn't one of those posts, at least not really.

I admit that when we were introduced i college my first thought was that he was really attractive and a little ambiguous. His sexuality was an x-factor and he had a reputation for it even though he had a girlfriend at the time. I admit that AT FIRST I pursued a friendship because I was into him. We became friends and roommates and I came to accept that he was straight. I never really made a move, and I never regretted it because I think it would have been bad for our friendship. After college we lived together, took road trips and camping trips together. We just returned last week from a trip to Australia, where i had lived for about a year, and it was so much fun introducing him to the place that I had lived and exploring some new stuff. Despite years of parties, late night chats, silly drinking, tent sharing, and even bed sharing the closest we ever came to hooking up was when we fell asleep on the futon playing x-box and i sleep cuddled him because i was cold. What I'm trying to say is that even though he is still really handsome and funny and sweet, i'm not pining for this guy. We're 25, we've known each other since we were 19, i am confident that it's never going to happen.

Here's the problem. On our most recent trip, after a silly night drinking with some friends of mine in Sydney, we had one of those stupid confessional late night chats back at our hostel while trying to fall asleep. He told me that he did experiment with guys back in college. This is not a total surprise, i'd heard about this from a few people though the lack of detail was always surprising. We went to a very small school so the fact that he kept this any kind of secret is impressive. At any rate, the part that threw me is that the guy he experimented with was my ex-boyfriend...the first guy i dated in college...the one who outed me to everyone to win a bet and then dumped me the next day. We met right around the same time so i know he was pretty familiar with the details. Furthermore, this happened on a camping trip that he invited me on, then cancelled saying that he was going home for the weekend.

I know this shouldn't matter to be because it was sophomore year and we're adults now with jobs and a 401k's and a pretty serious friendship history but i'm still...upset? I can't even quantify why i'm so bothered. I'm not mad, or jealous, and the guy was a giant whore so i'm not even surprised I'm just...sad about it? I don't know. I feel like a gay cliche because I'm all broken up about something a straight guy did that had nothing really to do with me. I feel ridiculous but i still kind of want to cry, which is really weird and out of character for me. Thoughts???

 

[seven2go]

Let sleeping dogs lie........there's nothing you can undo anyway.
What you CAN do is better the relationship with your friend........you never know where it might go......

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you posted this story because I've got a feeling elements of your story come up more frequently than we might think. I think there are at least two elements to your story, jealousy (or some other strong feeling) about something someone did in the past, and surprise over a long held secret.

The sadness might come down to the fact that had you been more aggressive he might have experimented with you, or, realizing that he didn't/doesn't see you the same way you saw/see him.

Not everyone I'm going to be attracted to is going to be attracted to me whether or not they are gay, bi or just willing to experiment. My husband discovered that a former "straight" roommate, someone who refused his advances, was actually gay, but didn't think of my husband in the same way. They are still extremely close friends.

In time your feelings about this will abate provided you don't become fixated. You also have the choice to bring up the subject of "why him and not me," in an attempt to get over it quicker.

 

[HunterM]

Let sleeping dogs lie........there's nothing you can undo anyway.
What you CAN do is better the relationship with your friend........you never know where it might go......

Follow this advice. Focus on the present and the future with your friend...not the past. You are the one who still has his friendship. You ex does not.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's probably a lot of reasons why you're feeling this way. The biggest reason is, deep-down, you wish that it was you that he had experimented with, not your asshole ex-boyfriend.

But- as your story mentions- you did the right thing and ended up with what will probably be a lifetime friendship. The asshole ex-boyfriend is long gone for both of you. If things had played out differently, you might have gotten a one-night stand with your friend but you would have probably lost the friendship.

Neither of you should have any regrets.

 

[Benvolio]

It sounds like he must have known all along that you are gay, right? Perhaps he recently mentioned his experimenting as a way to suggest that he might be interested.

 

[Rolyo85]

Of course he didn't mention his experimenting as a way to suggest that he might be interested.

What this boils down to is a level of comfort that has been reached. He likely knew that you would not take it well back then, and after that there was never a good time to tell you, but now he feels comfortable enough with where your friendship is to tell you the truth. Take heart in that and don't fixate on it. Also, don't take it as a sign that you should now try to hook up with your friend, that would not end well.

I had a similar situation - I hooked up with my current bf's ex the same week that I met my bf for the first time. We had been chatting for a month or so on Grindr, so I can't claim that I was completely unaware the other guy was his ex (though I wasn't completely certain either). But at the time I didn't have any strong feelings - and therefore obligations - to either of them, so I just went through with it. As it happened, the situation allowed for me to confess that to my bf at the very first date, but if he were a different person, or if circumstances were different, I'd likely have kept it a secret. Not because I'm ashamed of it, but because he would have taken it bad, and I wanted to get close with him. I would have waited for us to be settled and comfortable with each other before I told him.

Point being - these things happen. You can't help the way you feel, but you can influence how long the negative emotions last and what you do with them

 

[Wyzeguy]

Thanks for the input guys. I know you're correct and I definitely will get over it. It's nothing so dire. I just wanted to vent a bit. I feel dumb really for caring at all.

I should clarify that I'm not reading this as an opening to try to sleep with him. I don't even think that's something I want anymore. Even if he was do suddenly become an option.

I'm ashamed to say it might have more to do with feeling a little let down by how clueless I was back then and a little bit betrayed. I mean Mike (my ex) was a pretty big dick to me so maybe I was expecting loyalty? Or maybe I'm just mad that he got something I wanted. All of these are gross emotions. I'm just hoping to get past them quickly.

 

[TX-Beau]

My brother would call that a chick reaction. Sometimes you just get these feelings. They are not rational.

I know my female friends all studiously avoid sleeping with men that the others have been with. I'm not sure for the same reasons or not, but it sounds like you're having the same reaction. I knew this one guy back in college, I couldn't stand him, I would have been extremely upset if any guy I dated had ever slept with him. It's not rational. It doesn't really make sense, but there it is.

I suspect that what you're feeling is the why him and not me thing. Not because you're in love with him, but since you're obviously a better guy than your ex, and now you're really close friends, it's almost a betrayal of your friendship that he would experiment with the other guy.

Which of course, is not rational. It's just what you feel, unfortunately sometimes feelings are retroactive. But unless you do something really stupid like try to blame them for it, there's no reason to feel ashamed.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I wouldn't necessarily look at it as a negative. He's straight(-ish). He was experimenting. He wanted to try the physical aspect of it with someone he didn't care about, anonymously without anyone finding out. I would look at it like he cared enough about your friendship that he didn't want to fuck it up with you. I think that if he trusts you enough now to talk about it openly, that says a LOT about how he feels towards your trust, and friendship. Most "straight" guys wouldn't admit to experimenting if their lives depended on it.