Duroc5088 - Archived Blog Posts

[duroc5088]

okay so tonight I got home from work(I worked from 5am to 8pm) and I was exhausted. I just wanted to kick of my boots and take a long hot bath and relax for the evening.Fat chance of that ever happening.

I get a call from my brother as soon as I walk through the door, and he asks me if I could do him a favor. I asked him what he wanted fixed and he said "my lawn mower broke down again". I told him I would be over in a little while.

I get over there and fix his mower for him. and then he asks if I could finish mowing for him cause he has to leave. WTF!!! Now I know I am the family handy man/ mechanic, but come on! I told him "NO, I am going to go home and relax, why can't you just do it tomorrow" he replied," because it's already half way done and I don't want my yard to look like shit all day tomorrow" and I said," well I'll do it tomorrow after I get off work if you can wait. ANd he got all piss off and through a temper tantrum, so I mowed it for him just to shut him up.

Now I get asked to do favors for family and friends all the time, and I do them with a smile on my face. Hell I just remodeled three of the rooms in my brothers house a couple of months ago and never got so much as a thank you. I don't mind helping people out, it gives me a since of pride knowing that I am able to help with things that they don't know how to do.

But when I asked my brother to feed my dog for the weekend like two months ago while I was out of town, he acted like I was putting him out or something he go t all shitty with me and the only response I got was," yeah, shit, I guess if i have to i can."I mean I just asked him to feed my dog for like two days, I didn't ask him to give me money or anything like that.

I guess i just feel unappreciated sometimes. Everyone expectse me to help them out at the drop of a hat but when I ask for any kind of help doing anything they always get shitty with me, and I end up doing it by myself, just so I don't start a fight.

thanks for listening to me Bitch.

Dirk

 

[duroc5088]

the bar tender
just told me
I've had too much to drink

Now why's he believin'
I give a damn what he thinks
Cause i can tell
he's never felt
the way that I do

He's never had
to get over
someone like you

And I'll be under the table
'for I'm over you
drowning you memory
isn't easy to do

and as long as i'm standing
Well then I ain't through

cause I'll be under the table
'fore I'm over you

It seemed so easy
for you to leave me
and find someone new

why can't your memory
find somebody too

there ain't a day that slips away
that I don't think of you more
the only time you're off my mind
is when I'm flat on the floor

And I'll be under the table
'fore I'm over you
drowning you memory
isn't easy to do

and as long as I'm standing
well then I ain't through

cause I'll be under the table
'fore I'm over you



Anyone ever just had one of those nights where you are trying to forget something or someone, but no matter how much you drink you just can't stop thinking about them?

Dirk

 

[duroc5088]

Hey guys,

I know it's been a while since my last blog entry, sorry. I just thought I would give you a glimpse into my last few weeks.

So I was on myspace browsing, and I saw this guy that I thought was really cute and I liked what he had to say in his profile, so I left him some pathethic line about something. To make a long story shorter, we hung out a few times and had a few beers, I took him out to eat a few times, you know the normal stuff. Then the other night we were talking on the phone and niether one of us had any plans, so he invited me over to his house to hang out with him and his sister in law. It was great, cause we finally just got to be ourselves, you know, we weren't trying to impress each other, or anything like that, we were just being who we are. Well I called him yesterday to see what he was going to be doing. It's pride weekend here in Oklahoma City, so all the bars were packed full of butt pinching old men.lol We went to the bar anyways, and had a great time. Now keep in mind we had never even kissed, UNTIL last night. he has great lips too, but I digress.

So I drive him home and we ended up spending the night together. No we did not have sex!!! We made out a little and fooled around some but mostly we just made out and held each other. I fell asleep with his arms wrapped around me, I felt so comfortable with him. And to make things even better, he is a great guy, stable, playing with a full deck, and he is such a sweet heart.

We only just met about a month ago, and we started out as just friends/ drinking buddies. I have kinda had a thing for him the entire time though. But I am going to take things slow, I tend to put my feelings out there a little to early sometimes, I won't make that mistake again. I am just going to play it by ear for now, but I could seriously get use to having him around.


sorry it's so long. I just had to tell somebody.

Dirk

 

[duroc5088]

Okay so for starters, I was just asked by my boss today if I would go back on the road. I just finished a two month period where I was on the road six days a week and working like 23 sometimes72 hours without sleep. He told me that I wouldn't have to do that again for a while. I didn't mind it so much, the money was really good, but I had no life whatsoever. And now I have a wonderfull man in my life that I love very much and I don't want to be gone all the time for fear of us drifting apart, I mean this is part of the reason that I didn't spend the summer rodeoing, I want to be home and I want to be with my man. He has offered me a new company truck and a gas card, and a $3 an hour raise, if I go on the road again. But I just don't want to! I am not interested in being away from home anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, the offer is tepting, but I just don't know what to do. maybe you guys could help me out with some advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

On a lighter note, I sold my horses to a buddy of mine. So that is good. I had just finished breaking them. so it was perfect timing.

I am kinda going nuts!! I haven't rodeoed in like a MONTH!!! I think I am having withdrawls? I miss not getting chased around the ring by bull and I miss getting throwed off broncs, don't ask me why. I just do. I would love to be able to hit the road again like I did after I graduated, and just travel the country, rodeoing, making money where and when I can, and be able to be free again. I miss the days of not having any responsibilty and living day to day not worried about what tomorrow is going to throw at me.

But alas we all have to grow up. And even though I have these thoughts of being a rodeo man, and i dream about it on a nightly basis, I couldn't be happier than I am right now. I have a great job, I am surrounded by good people, and I have a man that really does love me. And i wouldn't trade that for all the buckles in the world. Life is good. I am content with who I am and what I am doing for the first time in a long time. I am truely in a state of bliss when I am with Levi. I couldn't ask for a better man to call my own. He truely makes me happy and I love him with all my heart. Sometimes I don't think that I deserve to have such a great guy. But I'm not going to tell him that. shhhhh! lol

Anyways guys if you have made it to this point, I want to thank you each and everyone for reading my thoughts, and any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Love you all.
Dirk

 

[duroc5088]

I know I'm in love. I hate going for even a day without seeing my man. He is proving with each passing day why I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He never stops impressing me, and he never gets old. I would spend every waking moment of the day with him if I could. I can't spend eough time with him, and when I stay at his house or visa virsa, I never want to go to work, it is hard for me to leave him lying there, all alone. He continues to amaze me everytime we are together. I constanly find myself looking at his beautifull face, and thinking to myself, " what did I do to deserve such an amazing guy? What the hell does he even see in me?".

I know that this is "the one". I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I know that when we are 80 years old, that I will still have a child like crush on him every time I look into his beautifull eyes.

Can't get enough of that man!

 

[duroc5088]

okay so I don't know if am just a little depressed or if I am just feeling sorry for myself...

right now it's 1 am, and levi is in bed.... I haven't slept very good the last week or so and I just don't know what is going on...

I guess my big beef is that I don't feel special.. when Levi and I started dating he use to say sweet things to me all the time and he use to do sweet stuff for me... and i did the same for him... as of late it seems like when I try to do something sweet for him or I say something sweet,, it just gets brushed off and he is back on the computer or back on the phone. We don't spend much time together even though we live in the same house and most evenings we are only a few feet apart... it seems as if I am just a guest, and some times I feel as if I am an unwanted guest at that.

now don't get me wrong, I know he loves me and i know he would do anything for me. But i get this feeling like he may be getting tired of seeing me everyday... or maybe he is just bored of me?

I find myself in another delima... Levi is a health nut and a few months ago he talked me into getting a gym membership.... i did the best I could to try to fit the mold of the guys that he seems to think are sexy... But here's the catch, I HATE working out... it's a burden, and it's not neccesary, I do like the results of working out but I don't like having to come home after a day in the shop and then try to get motivated to work out. It's hard for me to do. i don't think he understands how bad of shape my body is in... I mean after rodeoing and playing football all those years I still have things that i should have had operated on several years ago but I just got too busy. I literally hurts for me to work out. But the bottom line is I would do anything to keep his attention on me. I want him to notice me and i want him to every now and then tell that I look nice when we go out to eat.

I tell him all the time how good looking he is and that there is noone else i would rather be with.... I still have my doubts that he feels the same way....

we were talking tonight about Christmas at his families in Iowa, well he told me that if I didn't want to go it was no big deal... Almost like he was dropping a hint? Sometimes the things that he says don't make any sense to me. I feel obligated to go, 'cause his mother and sisters and brothers are expecting me to come. I would love to spend Christmas here in Oklahoma with my family but I don't want to dissapoint his mother by not showing up in Iowa...

I feel like I am just going through the motions of what a couple ought to be doing. I really don't want him to get bored of me, and i really try to do sweet things for him, but I'm not sure he notices. I hope things change, AND SOON!!!!

i literally have to drag and " I LOVE YOU" out of him. I sat down after work tonight and tried to think of the last time that he said it first, You know just walking through the house, wraps his arms around me kisses my neck and says " I love you". I honestly cant remember the last time that he said it and it wasn't a response to me saying it first. I feel so lonely. But I have nowhere to go and noone to talk to. most of my friends have become more like aquantainces, and it seems like I dont' know anyone anymore.

I am supose to go ride in a rodeo in Lindsay Texas this weekend... Chance ( my best friend) is paying my entrie fee.... I haven't ridin' in about 5 months, so I know that there is a very slim chance that I will walk out with a check... it's a $1500 payout, it would probably cost me about $150 to get down there and spend the night and make it home the next day. But if we are going to Iowa I know that we need to set some money back for that trip. So I guess for now I'll just put riding on the back burner again and try to do the right thing.

That's really about it. I dont' know why I even let this kind of shit get to me, I'm really not a whiner but these are some things that have been keeping me up at night... adn I thought maybe I could sleep better if i got them off my chest.


the loneliest cowboy
Dirk