Enough is Enough

[bhandsome]

About a month ago, I was told the best thing I could do for myself is to stop caring about what people think or say about me. Being a closeted young man (21), I can't afford to worry about the simple minded individuals who feel the need to disrespect me due to their ignorance. So, I decided to stop caring. It's taken me years to get to this point, but this is one huge step towards coming out.

I already have a friend in mind whom I will come out too (known her since the second grade). She is the most open minded, kind, friend I have and I know she will accept me regardless. I feel as though I'm following the proper steps towards coming out and everything is falling into place as it should.

My only worry is finding gay friends to hang out with, to test the waters. Joining my universities GSLTB group isn't an option being I know people in that group and that's like coming out; plus their aren't any straight students in that group so yeah. I don't want to find a gay guy, just to have sex with, I want a true friendship. I was wondering if it's the school I go to or the city I live in, that is the reason behind why I can't find many gay people to talk to.

Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any form of advice.

 

[Seasoned]

I sense a erroneous impression that there will be a sexual tension with every gay guy you meet. The potential for have a gay best friend is high and is a very good way to get threw issues that will come up for you. Who better to understand gay issues than another gay man.

I'm not clear in your difficulty with coming out to an LBGTQ group. Again, you will find support there you won't find everywhere. It's a social and perhaps political group, not a sex club and if you're afraid of potential sexual tension, there's always the "L" component of the group.

 

[Rolyo85]

Gah, I wish I had the balls to come out when I was 21...

A question - is there any particular argument against you coming out completely? As in - environment, family, etc?

 

[bhandsome]

I sense a erroneous impression that there will be a sexual tension with every gay guy you meet. The potential for have a gay best friend is high and is a very good way to get threw issues that will come up for you. Who better to understand gay issues than another gay man.

I'm not clear in your difficulty with coming out to an LBGTQ group. Again, you will find support there you won't find everywhere. It's a social and perhaps political group, not a sex club and if you're afraid of potential sexual tension, there's always the "L" component of the group.

I know someone who is apart of the group and me joining the group would mean coming out sooner than I want. Joining the group is like being forced to out myself, imo. Like I mentioned earlier, there are no straight people in that group. I honestly don't feel the need to join the group to come out.

Gah, I wish I had the balls to come out when I was 21...

A question - is there any particular argument against you coming out completely? As in - environment, family, etc?

Well, I was raised in a Christian family and they believe that being gay is a sin, but they don't hate those who are gay. According to my Mom, I have plenty of gay cousins, but I have no recollection of ever speaking with them in years. My Mom is pretty understand, she loves me no matter what.

The environment at my university is gay friendly, and of course there are those straight men who feel the need to disrespect gay people because they think it's weird or wrong; that's their own ignorance. Being in a fraternity, I could see some of my brothers distancing themselves from me.

At this point, I think it's a now or never decision. Idk when I'll come out but I don't think it will be to everybody. I don't want my sexuality to define me.

 

[TX-Beau]

It's pretty simple. you're having trouble finding gay guys to talk to because you're still terribly worried someone will see you talking to them.

Your sexuality will define you, in fact it's defining nearly all of you right now, dictating who you can associate with, who you can't, who you'll be seen with, who you won't, notto mention all that angst and fear in your head. It's defining the way you respond with fear and hiding from people who don't like you, and it's defining how you feel about yourself.

At this very moment your sexuality is defining not only who you like, but just about every other aspect of your life. Imagine when all it defines is the guys you want to bang.

Don't lie to yourself. Sexuality in all it's facets is a huge part of everyone's life. it spills over into the lives of people around you, it's enshrined in culture and social interaction - it's the basis of almost all of our popular culture, not to mention the traditions passed down to us.

Your life is heged about with your sexuality and the sexuality of all your aquaintances. This has always been true, and it always will be.

All you are saying when you say, "my sexuality doesn't define me," is that you want to put distance between yourself and your sexuality - and while that's incredibly common for guys who are trying to come out, it's still impossible to do.

Whether you like it or not, you are who you are. Trying to tell people that your sexuality is just a little inconsequential piece of you only fools you - and usually not even that.

You will stop trying to do that with time, but first you need to stop worrying about who is going to see you with whom. Running around behind the backs of everyone you know isn't being out.

You don't have to come out all at once either, but don't fool yourself into thinking that because they can't see you, they don't know the score.

None of us are ever as sneaky as we congratulate ourselves for being.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

I think you're on the right track. You're taking steps so that your coming out process is as comfortable for you as possible. That's fine. So with that said, try not to get ahead of yourself. Come out to your good friend first. She's a girl, so there will be some similar topics to talk about/advice she can give as if it was a gay man (of course not the same, just similar). When you have at least one person who you can confide in and completely trust, then you can worry about letting others who are close to you know, and eventually finding a gay friend who can be your best friend.

I completely understand where you are coming from, I am in college and have those similar fears. I want to talk to someone in our LGBT group, but am afraid of people finding out. I want to let my best guy friends know who I really am, but am afraid of awkwardness and/or losing their friendships. They're my bros; it's scary. I imagine it's the same for you, being in a frat. They become your brothers. But of those brothers, your true family will accept you, and those who don't never were your family to begin with. But you can definitely strengthen the friendships with those you support you. It's a great feeling.

So my advice would be to tell your girl friend first. If you really want to have a gay friend, then try gay social networking sites like Connexion. If you need anything else, you can PM me, I understand where you are coming from.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't know how it is with fraternities, and that part of college in general. I am a musician, so for my environment it's almost expected you are gay haha (a fun detail - in one of the stalls in the men's restroom someone wrote "I am gay", and someone replied "dude, you are in the music school. Nobody cares"). All I can say however, is that people in college will generally accept you. It's surprising how open that environment usually is. Not just that - like TX-Beau said, your sexuality defines you NOW, and in a bad way. I promise you it is making you more unpleasant to be around, as inner conflict always does that. It will define you a lot less when you come out, as you will no longer have to hide.

As for not wanting to go to the group - gay people tend to be sensitive towards others' coming out process, as all of us have been there at one point or another. So it is highly unlikely anyone you know from that group will oust you if you go there. Especially if you ask them not to.

 

[bhandsome]

@TX-Beau Thank you for everything you have said. I want to clear up what I mean about not wanting my sexuality to define me: I could care less if people see me talking to a gay man, that's not a problem. I just don't want to be known as "the gay guy" or "fag". I know I will be confronted by ignorance and hurtful words, and I'm okay with that. It's not right, but I've learned that worrying about what people say about me is insignificant.

Being gay doesn't determine the way I talk, the leader I can become, my talents, my personality, my values, etc. Being gay is just a sexual attraction; it isn't everything.

But I do understand your explanation.

@elGeniuoso1721 Thank you for your response. It's good to know I have a friend on here that is going through the exact same situation as me.

 

[bhandsome]

I don't know how it is with fraternities, and that part of college in general. I am a musician, so for my environment it's almost expected you are gay haha (a fun detail - in one of the stalls in the men's restroom someone wrote "I am gay", and someone replied "dude, you are in the music school. Nobody cares"). All I can say however, is that people in college will generally accept you. It's surprising how open that environment usually is. Not just that - like TX-Beau said, your sexuality defines you NOW, and in a bad way. I promise you it is making you more unpleasant to be around, as inner conflict always does that. It will define you a lot less when you come out, as you will no longer have to hide.

As for not wanting to go to the group - gay people tend to be sensitive towards others' coming out process, as all of us have been there at one point or another. So it is highly unlikely anyone you know from that group will oust you if you go there. Especially if you ask them not to.

Thank you. This makes so much sense. Being in my fraternity is based around girls, drinking, sex with multiple women, and more drinking. Of course brotherhood is great too but I am so much more mature than most of my brothers; especially for my age. I can't see most of them understanding and I don't need them too. All I know is, if one of them tells me that I chose this lifestyle, I will never speak to them again. I cannot stand ignorance!

 

[Rolyo85]

@TX-Beau Thank you for everything you have said. I want to clear up what I mean about not wanting my sexuality to define me: I could care less if people see me talking to a gay man, that's not a problem. I just don't want to be known as "the gay guy" or "fag". I know I will be confronted by ignorance and hurtful words, and I'm okay with that. It's not right, but I've learned that worrying about what people say about me is insignificant.

Being gay doesn't determine the way I talk, the leader I can become, my talents, my personality, my values, etc. Being gay is just a sexual attraction; it isn't everything.

Well, it doesn't, and it kinda does. It doesn't affect your potential or your other qualities, but it certainly does change your personality and values, or should. At the very least, it would be VERY weird if you were a bigoted homophobe, right? I am not sure if you really get what TX-Beau is saying. Being gay isn't just a sexual attraction, the same as being straight isn't. Half of what we are, of what we do and say and think is defined by our sexuality. Even stuff that we think isn't. I am getting the feeling you wish to be treated as a straight guy who just happens to like dudes. It doesn't work that way, but it's up to you how close to it you will be. I doubt you are very feminine, or you would be out already, but still, it's very liberating not having to hold desperately to macho stereotypes.

And what if they think of you as "the gay guy" (which they won't, since this isn't high-school and you won't be the only one)? Wear it with pride, turn it into a point of confidence, so it could never be used as a weapon against you.

It's what I did, and it's been the best year of my life. Every day I wake up and I feel like I'm high. It is pretty cool

 

[bhandsome]

@Rolyo85 Okay, I understand what your saying. Your right, my values will change and for the better. I'm already an open minded person and will continue to be one in the future. I don't want to be treated as the straight-gay guy, I just don't want to treated as a negative stereotype.

I am fully aware that being gay isn't going to always be easy in our society, but I'm more than willing to stick through it and become a stronger man. I love the fact you told me to turn this into a point of confidence, it means a lot to me.

I appreciate your explanation and time.

 

[TX-Beau]

@TX-Beau Thank you for everything you have said. I want to clear up what I mean about not wanting my sexuality to define me: I could care less if people see me talking to a gay man, that's not a problem. I just don't want to be known as "the gay guy" or "fag". I know I will be confronted by ignorance and hurtful words, and I'm okay with that. It's not right, but I've learned that worrying about what people say about me is insignificant.

Being gay doesn't determine the way I talk, the leader I can become, my talents, my personality, my values, etc. Being gay is just a sexual attraction; it isn't everything.

But I do understand your explanation.

@elGeniuoso1721 Thank you for your response. It's good to know I have a friend on here that is going through the exact same situation as me.

Sugar, you're contradicting yourself. You yourself said you don't want to go to that gay group because people you know will see you there.

Being gay is going to help determine where you go in life and who you end up with. That's just a fact of life. The earlier you accept that, the better off you'll be, because a lot of that isn't up to you, it's up to others. People will either not care or they will, and if your boss cares, there you are. If that guy you like won't date a closet case, there you are.

You're trying to compartmentalize this away because you aren't as comfortable with yourself as you're trying to tell us you are - and that's fine. No one wants you to go faster than you can. But sugar, admitting you like men is not the same thing as accepting it.

Almost all of us have been where you are. Almost all of us have said the exact same things you're saying. You will get through this, and you'll get through it faster if you try and see yourself as a whole gay man, sexuality and personality intertwined just like the rest of humanity, rather than a man who just happens to have this little inconsequential thing that really doesn't matter and has little to do with "who you are." The latter isn't true, and trying to make it so won't help you.

Look, you're going to do what you're going to do - and I have no doubt you'll continue on the same course you're on - because it's what i did when I was in your exact same position - but if you ignore everything I have to say, don't ignore this. The path to redemption lies with other gay men, real ones who are happy to be called gay because they own who they are, have embraced it and aren't ashamed of it.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, it doesn't, and it kinda does. It doesn't affect your potential or your other qualities, but it certainly does change your personality and values, or should. At the very least, it would be VERY weird if you were a bigoted homophobe, right? I am not sure if you really get what TX-Beau is saying. Being gay isn't just a sexual attraction, the same as being straight isn't. Half of what we are, of what we do and say and think is defined by our sexuality. Even stuff that we think isn't. I am getting the feeling you wish to be treated as a straight guy who just happens to like dudes. It doesn't work that way, but it's up to you how close to it you will be. I doubt you are very feminine, or you would be out already, but still, it's very liberating not having to hold desperately to macho stereotypes.

And what if they think of you as "the gay guy" (which they won't, since this isn't high-school and you won't be the only one)? Wear it with pride, turn it into a point of confidence, so it could never be used as a weapon against you.

It's what I did, and it's been the best year of my life. Every day I wake up and I feel like I'm high. It is pretty cool

Beat me to it.

 

[TX-Beau]

Buck up, coming out is a process not an event. The vast majority of gay men still had issues to work through even after they'd told everyone else. It can take years to come to terms with yourself.

I was "out," when I was 19. it was years before I was a comfortable gay man. I played all the games, did the "Straight acting," thing, told myself what you're telling yourself, told myself I wasn't one of "them," hit just about every justification there is.

But in the end, when you accept yourself, it doesn't matter who calls you gay, it doesn't matter who knows, it doesn't matter if you are hot for the drag queen down the street, or the biker bear on the corner, because it's your life, it's my life, and I absolutely refuse to live it on someone else's terms, and if they don't like that, they can go fuck themselves.

Get mad if you have to, I did - did me no end of good, I deserve every prerogative and every advantage straight people don't even realize they have - and I intend to get them whether they like it or not.

I mean, doesn't it piss you off that you have to deal with all this 'phobic shit in the first place? You didn't create the haters, you didn't throw the shit. They did.

 

[slnattak]

So tell us...

Is everything truly bigger in Texas?

 

[bhandsome]

@TX-Beau Thank you for your response. I understand everything you are saying and I am now another step closer to coming out. I appreciate your support.

 

[bhandsome]

I just told my best friend I was gay. Her response, "There is nothing wrong with that. When did you discover this?" I love her!

She is the first person I have told this too and I'm so happy right now. I could send a mass text to all my friends, haha, but I won't. Best feeling in the world!

 

[Rolyo85]

Awesome, isn't it? Wait till you tell everyone. I have a rainbow on my wrist, whenever I'm out. Never felt the need to hide it.

 

[bhandsome]

Awesome, isn't it? Wait till you tell everyone. I have a rainbow on my wrist, whenever I'm out. Never felt the need to hide it.

I appreciate your support tonight. You and TX-Beau really helped opened my eyes.

 

[Rolyo85]

Glad to help ^_^