Err...can't figure out my sexuality

[jojo84]

I've been on an off these boards for a while and I'm still struggling to decide where I stand on the sexuality meter. I figure the vast variety of individuals on this board might be able to offer me some guidance.

So, no one in my life is really in tune to my questioning of sexuality. I am straight to the world, but confused inside.

I have never experienced any kind of intimate relationship with a man, but I have with a woman (and I did enjoy it, for the most part)

Sexually speaking, I can be turned on by both men (what I have seen online or from dudes in real life that catch my eye) and women (from direct, intimate experience).

When it comes to emotional attachment I can see myself with women for sure, sometimes I struggle to see the potential with a man, but other times I can see it happening for sure.

When it comes to homosexual versus heterosexual sex, I know that heterosexual sex works for me; however, anal sex (with both homo and hetero) is a turn off. I do get aroused at just the idea of being with a guy: kissing, oral...etc (TMI, I know).

I just don't know where this leaves me. I don't really belong to the network to test out dating a guy, although, if it could be discretely done I would consider it. Sometimes I just think it's more of a fantasy (to be with a guy). I don't want to deal with the stress of "coming out" and then it all ends up being some fantasy....but I do experience moments when I am really turned on by a guy...

....I digress, I'm just pretty confused about it all. I've been thinking about all this for the past 10 years! I need some resolution. Any advice or resources?

 

[CTorontoC]

Here's my take on your situation. I think you probably have some bisexual tendencies if you like the idea of having intimate relations with a man. You say you aren't sure about the possibility of a romance with a man though and I think that may have a lot to do with social conditioning. We're told from childhood that a man falls in love with a woman, marries her and has kids. Therefore, when visualizing one's own life it can be difficult to envision a life outside that box society tries to lump us all into.

As for sex, anal sex is a big part of the gay world, but by no means is it the only part. Many fully gay guys don't like anal (I don't know why it's awesome from both ends lol) so it's not abnormal that you don't find it arousing (though it may change with time).

When it comes to deciding what to do with yourself I think you need to examine your views and see what makes sense. You seem content with the idea of a relationship with a woman as well as sex so there shouldn't be a problem carrying on in a straight relationship, however, being gay myself I'm not sure what it'd be like to go on with a woman, enjoy it, but then also feel as if you were missing out because you'd never tried a man as you wanted to. If you think that might be the problem ie. the reason you are posting here for help then maybe you should explore your gay side and try and find a gay male to be friends, fuck buddies or lovers and see how it goes. Worst case scenario, you don't like it and find out you really just dig chicks. Lots of gay guys are also looking for something discrete for various reasons so it shouldn't be an issue to find someone.

So yah, you're probably bi, but you'll just be curious until you try it out. Play safe and you can't really go wrong.

 

[jojo84]

Thanks for your comments, you make it sound so easy.

Although, I am not really interested in just trying out the physical side for the sake of clarity (just part of my more conservative nature). However, I might begin to consider some community resources for individuals in the LGBT community.

 

[jojo84]

Any one have any good resources the GLBT community in San Diego?

 

[rareboy]

Well you could order one of our deluxe 'Sexometers' that tells you what your sexual orientation is at any moment, but they're out of stock.

SO you'll have to figure it out the old fashioned way by living it.

You can probably google lgbt orgs to find something to suit, but I'm going to suggest that deciding if you're gay or bi through following a pack around may not be the answer.
A mule can be standing happily in a herd of sheep, but that doesn't mean he will ever be a sheep. He can observe their behaviour, but can't really play in any sheep games.

Hanging around with a group of trannys, lesbians and gay guys in a social setting isn't going on a date.

So, I agree that you need to explore your feelings through one on one relationships to see where your interests are. If you remain as emotionally ambivalent to men as we are led to assume, I have to say...you aren't probably gay.

If you let some guy plough your ass and love it...Gay.

 

[954dude]

Dont configure yourself to a box. Love yourself!

 

[jojo84]

Dont configure yourself to a box. Love yourself!

This is what I've been thinking lately.

If I just live my life and take it as it comes, thing will be fine. If a dude walks into my life and I fall madly in love with him, then so be it. If it's a woman, then that's the way it goes.

Why am I trying so hard to define myself, when in reality it's my future experiences that will end up truly defining who I am....

I just gotta go with the flow.

 

[954dude]

^^ That's right. You have to allow yourself to be a free spirit and not limit yourself to a label. Life's already hard enough, why bother placing a title? Just LIVE!

 

[jojo84]

^^ That's right. You have to allow yourself to be a free spirit and not limit yourself to a label. Life's already hard enough, why bother placing a title? Just LIVE!

Thanks, man.

So simple, but so liberating.

 

[Eagle653]

You're not alone in your feelings, that's for sure. There is something to be said about not putting a lot of emphasis on labels, especially right now. I suspect you don't fit neatly into any label.

Your confusion and tug of war can stem from any number of roots. One could be an attraction to men that, on some level, you find distasteful, so you convince yourself that you are curious or attracted-in-passing. But, you can't have a relationship, nor emotional attachment, with one.

Many men fall into that trap. The fact is, that one can fall emotionally in love with anyone to whom they are physically attracted. Sometimes it happens (usually by surprise), sometimes not. But, the physical and emotional side are not completely separate.

Other roots could be a genuine attraction to both sexes, as in bisexual. Within that sphere, one can be more attracted to males, or females, equally to both, and to make things even more confusing, these attractions can vacillate over time.

One way to get a handle on this would be to visit with a therapist and really explore these feelings. That could shed some light. Another, easier, way would be to just forget about all the analysis and go with the flow for a while: Give yourself permission to like who you like and be attracted to whom you're attracted without worrying about what it all means.

You're lucky that you're in San Diego. There are a lot of resources there, and the Hilcrest District is dynamic in that there are lots of options, and people, and it's easy to blend in and be part of the scene--as much or as little as you want.

Good luck. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

 

[CTorontoC]

Eagle made a great post, good points!

I should mention that I myself fell into the trap he described where I figured I was sexually attracted to men only and couldnt ever fall in love with one. Thought I could have an emotional relationship with a woman but never felt sexually attracted to them.

Getting a serious crush on one of the guys I hooked up with in university changed my perspective and I realized I wanted to be in love with a man but had convinced myself it was impossible. Only way to find out for sure is to try.

 

[321blastoff]

Wow, I can relate to the OP nearly one-hundred percent thus far. Only on the other side of the spectrum, being a chick and all.

I'm kind of doing the same thing you're talking about, just going with the flow. Who you fall in love with is who you love. And yeah, it sounds so fluffy and perfect in those terms, but it's so frustrating wondering what you're missing out on...

Go with the flow, go with the flow. :]

 

[jojo84]

Wow, I can relate to the OP nearly one-hundred percent thus far. Only on the other side of the spectrum, being a chick and all.

I'm kind of doing the same thing you're talking about, just going with the flow. Who you fall in love with is who you love. And yeah, it sounds so fluffy and perfect in those terms, but it's so frustrating wondering what you're missing out on...

Go with the flow, go with the flow. :]

This is my plan.

Thanks for the breakdown eagle, there are some kinks to work out. I got to the point last night where I admitted to myself that I am attracted to guys and that I am interested in pursuing relationships with men. This was a huge step and it felt so good to just say it. I woke up this morning and I felt like I could look at things in a different light.

Now that I accept that, I don't have to constantly be concerned with people questioning my sexuality or be overly paranoid about my slips in speech or whatever (that might give it away). Time to go with the flow. I feel like if someone was to ask me now, I could give them the honest answer

 

[954dude]

You can't say you're missing out on anything, because in life, everything happens for a reason. What you go through and experience, another person most likely won't.

Do what works for you and stick to it. Don't model yourself after anyone else or what you see out there.