Ever date a (gay) activist?

[Lube]

I've run into an interesting situation.

Only recently have I come out to my family, and I'm not out to most friends yet. Soon, but not yet.

Now I find myself dating a gay activist. He's not some world-famous personality on TV or anything, but he is well known in certain circles of the gay community.

He is, of course, totally and completely out. As I start to hang out with him, I'm realizing that I will be seen in public with him at all sorts of places. It's sorta forcing me out of the closet. (I'd rather tell close friends that I'm gay than to have them find out by seeing me at some public gay gathering.)

It's making life move in fast forward. Not bad, just interesting.

Have you ever dated someone who's an activist? Or avoided dating someone you think you'd like because he's "too out"?

 

[looseliam]

Well, some need a wee bit of a kick in the ass.

I, however, wouldn't want to date an activist. My life is not about being gay. Being gay is a part of my life.

I think an activist would be a little too wrapped up in, well, the scene.

But those are my nonsensical thoughts.

 

[Lube]

Well, perhaps I misspoke. He's not an activist in the sense of someone who leads protests and screams at people all day long.

He's an activist in terms of being a writer who writes (among other things) about being gay. He's also newly elected to be the leader of a local gay special interest group. So he hosts parties and whatnot for the gay community.

It's just that I never would have imagined that I'd be attracted to someone like this. But his personality wins me over all the time.

If, before I met him, someone asked whether I'd ever be involved with an activist, I'd have definitely said, "no way". It's just interesting how life develops....

 

[bluedragon4]

i was a huge activist in college but we only dated each other(; and frat boys. i was on the news three times and one time was on tv for a kiss- in we threw on our campus.my college had the 1st and oldest gay group in the us.i was at the huge 1993 march on washington(anyone else there?) I will never forget that march. I was only 19 and the older gay men surrounded us(youth group) during the march from the violence of the christian groups.we worked with act-up who were throwing ashes from aids victims on the front lawn of the white house! we saw the last complete showing of the aids quilt and worked with different out celebs. what a time! now i am an activist by living my life open with my bf.i don't really see the level of activism i was involved in anymore.

 

[slobone]

I used to hang out with guys who were pretty political. This was in Berkeley, natch. Can't say I "dated" any of them, although there was one memorable orgy....

After a while, I got tired of all the rhetoric and the BS. People getting all exercised about things they didn't know anything about. I found me a nice normal straight gay guy and made a lot of new friends.

But things are a little calmer today, I can take people for what they are, and either agree or disagree without feeling I'm a traitor to the "gay cause".

My advice, Lube, is that you need to be with somebody who you feel comfortable with, who will accept you just as you are. If he understands your situation and is OK with it, that's all that's important. You don't necessarily need to be photographed with him on the front page of the Hicktown Gazette.

 

[DareMo]

I know exactly what you mean, Lube! I just stopped dating someone for the same reason! I don't like feeling uncomfortable and exposed, esp. when I know I'm a guy that passes as straight pretty easily.

Sorry to hear that you've run into that kind of problem.

 

[hotdog1846]

I've not dated anyone who's an activist, but I have a female friend who's an activist. She takes up a number of liberal causes, particularly during election years. She thinks I'm insane for being so laid back and sanguine. According to her, I should be out there, and I mean WAY "out" there, fighting for my rights.

I'm glad we have activists. We wouldn't have the rights we have without them. But I'm not one, and I'm perfectly happy not being one. And, it can be uncomfortable being around such folks if you don't have an activist personality. It isn't so much about being out to everybody and anybody, it's beyond that ...

I think the important thing, Lube, is that you want the best for each other and enjoy each other's company. The rest will fall into place.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'm glad we have activists. We wouldn't have the rights we have without them. But I'm not one, and I'm perfectly happy not being one. And, it can be uncomfortable being around such folks if you don't have an activist personality. It isn't so much about being out to everybody and anybody, it's beyond that ...

I think the important thing, Lube, is that you want the best for each other and enjoy each other's company. The rest will fall into place.

Well-said.

I am simply not an activist and frankly, I do not much believe in the whole idea, to start with. Conversely, I do not connect too well with the 'activist type', and am always staying far away from such groups.

Nope, I'd never say never. But, not very likely.

SC

 

[MadeUpName27]

Have you ever dated someone who's an activist?

Yes!!!

Enthusiasm is wonderful!!!

Or avoided dating someone you think you'd like because he's "too out"?

Hell No!!!

I've dumped guys for NOT being politically active!!!

 

[Lube]

i was a huge activist in college ... what a time! now i am an activist by living my life open with my bf.i don't really see the level of activism i was involved in anymore.

Hopefully that means progress is being made, and so less activism is needed. Or we're all just getting lazy.

I know exactly what you mean, Lube! I just stopped dating someone for the same reason! I don't like feeling uncomfortable and exposed, esp. when I know I'm a guy that passes as straight pretty easily.

Sorry to hear that you've run into that kind of problem.

Well it's not a problem so much as feeling like you're always just a little bit out of control, sort of like being on a rollercoaster all the time! It has its good points and its bad points.

I'm glad we have activists. We wouldn't have the rights we have without them. But I'm not one, and I'm perfectly happy not being one. And, it can be uncomfortable being around such folks if you don't have an activist personality. It isn't so much about being out to everybody and anybody, it's beyond that ...

It can be uncomfortable, but so far it's been within my tolerability limits. We'll see if it becomes more of a drag on things over time...

I think the important thing, Lube, is that you want the best for each other and enjoy each other's company. The rest will fall into place.

Thanks, hotdog. My attraction to him has little to do with his activism directly. He's just such a smart and interesting guy. With some really great ideas.

I am simply not an activist and frankly, I do not much believe in the whole idea, to start with. Conversely, I do not connect too well with the 'activist type', and am always staying far away from such groups.

Nope, I'd never say never. But, not very likely.

You don't believe in gay activism, or you don't believe in activism at all?

 

[Lube]

I used to hang out with guys who were pretty political. This was in Berkeley, natch. Can't say I "dated" any of them, although there was one memorable orgy....

After a while, I got tired of all the rhetoric and the BS. People getting all exercised about things they didn't know anything about. I found me a nice normal straight gay guy and made a lot of new friends.

But things are a little calmer today, I can take people for what they are, and either agree or disagree without feeling I'm a traitor to the "gay cause".

My advice, Lube, is that you need to be with somebody who you feel comfortable with, who will accept you just as you are. If he understands your situation and is OK with it, that's all that's important. You don't necessarily need to be photographed with him on the front page of the Hicktown Gazette.

No orgies so far, although there is a Halloween party coming up...

And so far there's no pressure to fit into a certain mold. It's pretty early in the dating process, still.

He seems to tolerate me pretty well, so far. I took him out to dinner the other night, and he lightly joked with me for wigging out every time he said the word Gay in public. He lives in a very gay-friendly part of town, and no one in the restaurant would've given a rats ass that either of us were gay, but coming out is so new to me, I still feel uneasy.

He's got a great sense of humor, and prods me in public in a light-hearted way. So far it's been fun. But so far he hasn't caught me in a bad mood.

 

[Lube]

Yes!!!

Enthusiasm is wonderful!!!


Hell No!!!

I've dumped guys for NOT being politically active!!!

Do you, perhaps, have strong feelings about this?

It had always been my life goal to contribute to society in some meaningful way. I started down that path in college, but got detoured after graduate school into working in a corporate cubicle like most other people.

I've been considering a career change, but didn't know what to get into. Maybe he will be good for me; make me re-evaluate what I'm looking for out of life.

 

[Lube]

This is my favorite line in this thread so far.

Are there any (gay) activists on JUB who want to answer the flip question?

"Ever date a gay who wants to pass as straight?"

Are you saying someone who doesn't want to come out of the closet, or someone who is actively avoiding appearing gay in any way?

 

[luminum]

I guess the important thing is not the activist/not activist, but rather that youd ate someone who can understand and work with your comfort level despite how out they are.

I consider myself an activist, since I care about my rights and don't care to heap the responsibility on others.

I killed me to date a guy who just didn't care, but that's in retrospect.

I have nothing to lose by being exposed and I don't care.

 

[The_Reaper]

I am the activist...

Just not too many people have connected the dots to the part where "Oh, he's an activist because he's gay." part.

I've never been good with telling people about my sexual preference, but seeing as I've told 2 people I just met (even though we were on the way to the gay bar) and the fact that I've actually been in the gay bar mean I am making progress.

 

[Christopherb36]

Absolutely...went to some swanky parties! I was seen in the gay papers! It was a great work for me to network!

 

[shyboy]

Or avoided dating someone you think you'd like because he's "too out"?

i did... it was kinda bad since that at the time i was very closeted