everyone except for me, aka my "insanely annoying boyfriend"

[kissthesky88]

beware. long post, lots of unnecessary details. sue me.

so this isn't the first guy i've dated; not by a long shot, but the guy i'm seeing currently is the only guy i've ever wanted to openly date (as i've only been out since the spring).

i've known zach (i'll call him by his real name, since he goes by his middle name anyways) for a really long time. we went to the same high school, live in the same development, attend the same country club, his parents are friends with my parents, etc. but i've never been close to him. never really wanted to be, i've always had my own friends and he's always had his and neither of our circles have never seemed to mix (he's a year older than me and graduated high school a year early so i've hardly seen him in the last four years even though he lives a quarter mile away). never thought he was gay, or bi or anything. never heard of him dating anyone or getting tail but like i said, really never cared so never gave it much thought. ANYWAYS, so after i came out a couple of months ago, i recently starting seeing him a lot of places. random places; grocery store, at the gym, crossing paths with me while out jogging, each time becoming more and more... smitten with him. the event that started this whole thing was when my two best friends, brother and i went to game 2 of the nba finals in early june at the staples center (go lakers!) and he coincidentally bought the ticket to the seat *directly* behind me.

we started talking and he proposed we should start jogging together, so we did. we went on like 5 runs 5 days in a row, every time thinking it was a completely platonic thing but still hoping i'd catch even a bleep on my gaydar, but i never did. on the 6th day he showed up at my door for another (unscheduled) run but i had woke up with a hangover so i apologized and sent him home. twenty minutes later, he showed up again, this time with a bong in his hand (to "take my hangover away"). he ended up leaving his bong at my house (he confessed to me later that it wasn't an accident). later that same day/night at like 1 in the morning, i'm already in bed and asleep when i get a call from him saying he's on my porch and wants his bong back. i took it down with me and went outside to discover he was really drunk and sweaty (he had ran over from his house), so i offered to give him a ride home. instead, he snatched the bong out of my hand and ran away, so i go back to my room. 5 mins later, i hear a big splash coming from outside, i look out the window, and it's zach... swimming in my pool. i go outside (pretty pissed, mind you) and asked him wtf he was doing, while he tried to convince me to get in. i said no and told him to get the fuck out, but he refused. realizing that this guy had been to my house 4 different times in less than one day and none of them were announced or planned, i was just like "k whatever, enjoy your swim, i'm going to bed, turning off my phone, locking all the doors and windows and setting the alarm. goodnight", but as i walked away, he got out of the pool, sprinted towards me, picked me up and threw us back in the pool. holy crap i was pissed. i had just started to yell at him when he swam up and kissed me. we ended up going through all the bases and scoring a home run in less than half an hour, right there on the side of my pool.

he stayed over (first time i've let a guy or girl do so at my parents house), we had the-morning-after-sex and then, of course, the proverbial awkward-talk-after-the-morning-after-sex. he told me he was bi, not out to anyone at all and that he wanted me and him to be exclusive. so now we are. but here is where all the *real* problems began:

1. having just come out and associating with a male-heterosexual majority group of friends, i wanted to begin transitioning that side of myself towards them. i want my friends to know who i'm dating, to actually see me with another guy, maybe even become friends with my boyfriend. something or anything to have them begin adjusting to the fact that i am actually, for real, this-is-not-just-a-phase gay. i know they know i'm gay now 'cause, duh, i came out to them; but i think it'll still be incredibly awkward for them to accept seeing me "be gay" with their own eyes at first, so now that i have a boyfriend whom most of them know already and who none of them thought liked guys either, i want the growing pains to fucking start so i can just get them over with, ya know? plus i really like him so it's sad i can't show him off to anyone.
   
2. since officially getting together, i've had him hang out with my friends on several occasions. i've got a pretty close-knit group of friends and we're all very opinionated people, so they've let me know exactly what they think of him. they really don't like him. he almost got into a fight with one of my closest friends over a beer last night so now i can never bring him over there anymore. they think he's rude and obnoxious and stupid. because he's in the closet, they think he's just one of my random friends who i hang out with occasionally, but have also seemed to catch the underlying tension that exists between him and i, so they've begun teasing me. now i'm not just their gay friend, i'm their stereotypical gay friend who crushes on straight guys, but not just any straight guys, "conceited loser alcoholics who fucking suck". and yes that's a real quote of what my friend said of him.
   
3. when i brought up the subject of coming out, he very nonchalantly said he didn't wanna discuss it with me at all. he didn't want to talk about mine, nor his absence of one because "he's never planning to". he said i can't tell anyone about us including my friends or parents, but i can't date anyone else. if i do either then we're through. i never explicitly asked but i'm assuming p.d.a is completely out of the question too.

after getting kicked out of my friends house over a stupid fucking beer last night, my opinion of him is starting to change and i guess i'm sortof lost. has anyone else been in this sortof situation? what am i supposed to do? my friends hate him, he's only himself around me when we're alone. technically because he's out to nobody at all, if i did tell anyone, even by accident, that means that i would have outted him. i was outted and it was the most hurtful experience of my life, so it really upsets me that the one thing i want to do most is tell everyone him and i are together. almost as much as it upsets me that he never wants to come out. what does that say about what he thinks of us? am i just something to ride on to help him pass the time or something? my friends are sortof a little right too. he is rude... the methods he used to get together with me are pretty rude even. i live in cali so pot is decriminalized but it's still pretty rude to just show up at a not-even-close-friend's house who still lives at home unannounced with a bong. and it was definitely rude hopping the fence and jumping my pool, my parents were home and everything. i guess he does rude things all the time and my crush on him just makes me not notice.

post is getting a little long so i guess i'll stop. advice greatly appreciated, shouldn't have to say this but please, if you don't have something nice to say, this is an internet forum and nobody's forcing you.

 

[payit4ward]

Run very fast in the other direction and get out now he sounds like and ass and since you were born with and ass of your own you don't need two.

 

[spencer]

it's one thing to date someone who's closeted but it's another for anyone you're dating to treat people badly.

You're not going to change the first part any time soon, but if he's not willing to respect your friends, you should talk to him and reevaluate your relationship.

 

[G-Lexington]

Years ago, I worked at a radio station "running the board" during the Dr Laura show. And I quickly learned that most of the callers to her knew precisely what she was going to advise they do. "Yeah, I thought that's what I should do, but I just thought I'd check." In short, they had the answers already - they just needed someone to tell them yes, they have the answers already.

...you have the answers already.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

I guess it all depends on how hot the sex is.

And your opinionated friends must be pretty thick if they can't tell you're fucking one another.

 

[kissthesky88]

In short, they had the answers already - they just needed someone to tell them yes, they have the answers already.

...you have the answers already.

um... no, i don't really think i do have the answers. i mean, if were someone else, i think i'd probably either tell myself to fuck my friends, keep seeing him and see where or it goes, or break up with him.

it's not like he's done anything to me personally to make me change the way i feel about him (besides being in the closet, but that's completely his decision and i totally understand and have to respect him for it) it's the way he interacts with the certain people who just happen to be closest to me that's the problem. i get along with his friends... that's gotta be worth something.

 

[G-Lexington]

Then let me spell it out. This guy sounds like bad news. Not because he's in the closet (although that can be problematic), but because he appears to be the type who must be in charge of all situations. A control freak, if you will. Your friends seem to have picked up on this, and have given him the thumbs down. It's up to you to decide what to do with this information.

Lex

 

[kramer362]

Tell him you aren't looking to keep things hidden and will be seeking a relationship with a more like-minded individual...

 

[rareboy]

You do have the answers already.

You can't be that obtuse.

Drop the guy. Like Lex wrote, the guy has a dangerous side to his personality. Time for him to get a growing up lesson. And don't think you're going to tame him.

 

[capchino2009]

maybe you need to be alone with him for a whole day or two and see if you can tolerate him going forward. maybe go on a hike and pop a tent then you can get a close look at what you've got. maybe you will get really sick of him and realize you're better off without him or maybe he will make you love him even more.
I myself have done this but you're bf sounds a bit too wild for an ordinary bloke like me.

 

[kissthesky88]

maybe you need to be alone with him for a whole day or two and see if you can tolerate him going forward. maybe go on a hike and pop a tent then you can get a close look at what you've got. maybe you will get really sick of him and realize you're better off without him or maybe he will make you love him even more.
I myself have done this but you're bf sounds a bit too wild for an ordinary bloke like me.

well, that's sortof the reason why i like him so much in the first place. he's wild... he's 22 but still has the energy of a 15 year old. and because he lives only like 3 blocks away, there have been times throughout the last 2 months that i've practically spent days on end with him. i've gotten tired of him a few times of course; he has very little shame when it comes to asking for and taking things, especially because he's so indifferent to people he doesn't deem as important as him, but he treats me well and is really sweet when it's just the two of us. isn't that what matters the most?

maybe i should've mentioned that my parents totally adore him, they're friends with his parents so they only like him by association since they obviously don't really know him, but it's still a plus.

 

[TygreBryte]

he has very little shame when it comes to asking for and taking things, especially because he's so indifferent to people he doesn't deem as important as him

that really sticks out to me. Earlier in the thread, you were talking about how you wanted to "break in" your straight friends to the idea that you are gay (and I thought it was cool that you've got friends you trust enough that you believe they'll make it through with you). While some day you may need to expand out from that group of friends, is being with him really the way you want to do it?

If he's "really sweet" to you when you two are just together, BUT your agenda is "I want to date someone who is out and will be out with me," and he won't do that (and says he never will), how do those things add up together?

I, personally, completely understand the appeal of "the bad boy." I've seen some of them grow out of it! But I think you would do yourself a favor to consider, "what will it be like when this stuff starts splashing on me?"

Best wishes!