Ex-marine colleague - latent homosexual?

[kobathedread]

Hmmm.... I need some gay advice, please.

I'm a middle manager in a public sector organisation. Openly gay and as comfortable with my sexuality as I've ever been. Get on great with everyone in the office. Happily single, waiting for the right guy to pop along but not really that bothered - I love the single life. Not especially handsome (unless in a quirky, offbeat way) but I'm intelligent, ambitious and compassionate.

Anyway, a new admin assistant recently started in the team, couple of weeks now. He's 6 foot 2, muscles, tattoos galore and universally declared by the female office gaggle to be the hottest thing since... ever. Just moved here after leaving the marines, with whom he served in Iraq and Afghanistan. He's totally changed the vibe of the place; is super-confident, loves attention and loves to banter. Naturally I automatically assume he's completely hetrosexual. We've chatted a bit in the pub, and I don't know much about him, apart from he never went to university and his parents were extremely religious.

We've been trading a bit of banter about gay things, which I didn't mind. Statements like "were you up all last night with your lover?" were fine. It's just, like, it's... constant interest in my private life. And more than one person has noticed. For the first time, I'm a bit uncomfortable with it.

He also flirts, big time. Calls me "sweet". Squeezes my shoulder. Gives me that "look". Throws me over his shoulder.... Then at every oppurtunity proclaims that he's "straight". That certain activities (like going to a gay ball) "aren't his thing". Despite nobody actually asking.

So, I'm getting this contrary vibe which is making me feel weird. On the one hand, I can't stand the guy. He's an arrogant dick who thinks he knows it all and that he's better than everyone there. On the other hand.... I've got this immense animal attraction to him. I know he's bad news, but I can't help myself. I swither between ignoring him, being nice to him and being outright hostile.

I know this isn't my imagination. People are starting to notice the behaviour of both of us...

Things took a weird turn on Friday. We went out for a few drinks, and I picked up a guy at the bar (something I never do ). The hostility this guy gets from Mr Marine is shocking. At one point he looks like he's about to attack him. Anyway, I go home with the guy, and today Mr Marine is over within 5 seconds of my arrival in the office asking for all the juicy details of our romantic encounter, which frankly sent me into the discomfort zone in the extreme. He's been making comments all day, although strangely quiet towards the end - and we had an ok moment when it was just the two of us in the office at closing.

Now I'm in a bit of a state. I don't want to feel this mixture of lust, anger and confusion. How do I deal with this guy? Is he what I think he is? Will it all end in tears? I can see disaster.

Sorry for rambling. Any thoughts welcome.

 

[ronnie54321]

Sounds like the guy wants to fuck you (or just fuck with your head) just me but I'd stay away. Good luck man.

 

[blogthissucker]

I definitely agree that he's weird. Gay? Maybe. He could just be really curious about gay-ness after being sheltered from it most of his life by a religious family and then the armed forces.

Either way though I think his behavior is inappropriate. It's inappropriate for him to take such an interest in the sex life of a guy he only met recently, and it's inappropriate for him to ask you about it at work. I doubt it's in your head - you sound mature enough to be able to make a sound judgment yourself, and you're pointed out that other people have noticed. I think you should call him out on it next time - not like in a "you take such a big interest in me that I think you're gay" way, but just like "dude, I can understand that this is a new idea to you, but has it occurred to you that you're being incredibly nosy about my sex life?"

Whether or not he's gay, he doesn't really seem like the kind of guy you'd want to be in a relationship with. A bit of a "bad boy" ... but then that's probably just the appeal, isn't it? Haha, be careful with this one. He seems like trouble.

 

[cardshark]

Since this is happening at your work, I would make a complaint with HR. His actions towards you is considered sexual harassment in the workplace and they will definitely put an end to it.

However, the nice thing to do, though not in anyway required, is to warn him (just once) that you will report him, giving him a chance to remedy the situation without having to involve HR.

 

[KaraBulut]

Actually, he sounds a bit psychopathic and manipulative. What he's doing borders on harassment and is inappropriate for the workplace.

You would be wise to steer clear and avoid having him in your personal business.

 

[josher]

Well, the phrase, "I don't think it's proper for you to ask me questions about my personal life." comes to mind.

Also, if I were you, I'd get over that "animal attraction" very quickly, or you may wind up being the one accused of harassment one day. You are in management and he isn't.

Is there any chance you picked up that guy just to make him jealous? If so, that wasn't fair to him or to the guy you took home. That's also manipulative behavior.

And I doubt being in the marines sheltered him very much from gay men, considering the number of gay marines I used to meet in bars when I lived in a heavily military area.

Worst case scenario: He's waiting for you to make a move. You make a move. You two hook up. He pretends to be all hurt and confused and reports the whole thing at work. You: unemployed.

In any case keep the relationship strictly professional and discourage personal questions and physical contact.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey mate...

As some of the other guys here have alluded too, something doesnt quite gel here.

Be careful of this guys motives and interest in your life. I'm not saying hes evil or a bad person but if hes as hot as you make him out to be it will be easy for your to let your animal attraction too him force you into making errors of judgment.

Apart from the fact that your his boss and its a workplace, his attention not only seems over the top it also seems a little passive aggressive. So even if he was gay... is he really someone you want to be in a relationship with???

Take a step back, nip the antics in the bud, assume a manager/assistant relationship and let things unfold as they should once everyone's hormones die down a little.

 

[andy12]

Hmmm... stud Marine who's completely into you? Filing a complaint? Are you guys serious? Go for it and have fun. If you're already best pals going to the pub, how hard would it be to ask him?

 

[Achilleus]

The guy sounds like an asshole. There are better guys out there, who don't behave like complete jackasses. As a gay former marine, my advice is avoid him.

Semper Fi

 

[Nomenclature]

I think it's a little extreme to say "Oh, this guy's gay" based on his current behavior, but I think it's fair to say that he's uncomfortable with it, and your sexuality is something that's always on his mind when he's around you.

I've spoken to many people like that, and they've acted the same way, asked completely inappropriate questions, seemed a little "jealous", etc. I never thought they were gay, I just thought they were immature assholes who I either avoided, or got into a bad situation with if I attempted to actually have a friendship with them.

Trust me: If you make any kind of moves on him, it will end badly for both of you for reasons other people've already mentioned. DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT.

 

[G-Lexington]

He sounds like a rather unpleasant human being on several levels. Which is presumably one of the things that attracts you to him. (As one friend astutely said "Nice guys make my smile. Assholes make me pop wood.")

What should you do? Go in with your eyes open.

Know that he's a tar baby and not gonna be easy to wash your hands of should you choose to sully them with him.
Know that all his boorish asshole-y behavior will simply become magnified should you become physical with him.
Know that "shitting where you eat" is rarely a good idea.

And then, with those three thoughts firmly in mind, decide if you want to go ahead and make a move. I'd say most gay guys I'd know would say to stay away...unless it was happening to them.

Lex

 

[shainski]

We went out for a few drinks, and I picked up a guy at the bar (something I never do )

I would avoid mixing alcohol with work - especially if you are in a postition above them - and - male or female - straight or gay - i would not be "picking up" people at the same time i'm socializing with my employees after work. You're just begging for your personal life to become fodder for public conversation.

 

[Blueboy369]

You guys work together. Don't cross the line. You will have to face each other every day at work. Keep him at a friendly distance.

 

[Lube]

He's an administrative assistant? And an ex-marine? He grabs you & calls you "sweet" and wants to know about being gay?

Next you'll be telling us he drives a Jeep.

Total flamer.

Now, normally I don't subscribe to the "don't shit where you eat" adage, if for no other reason than most people in my family met their spouses at work, with no drama.

However, in this case, I think Josher really nailed it:

Well, the phrase, "I don't think it's proper for you to ask me questions about my personal life." comes to mind.

Also, if I were you, I'd get over that "animal attraction" very quickly, or you may wind up being the one accused of harassment one day. You are in management and he isn't.

Is there any chance you picked up that guy just to make him jealous? If so, that wasn't fair to him or to the guy you took home. That's also manipulative behavior.

And I doubt being in the marines sheltered him very much from gay men, considering the number of gay marines I used to meet in bars when I lived in a heavily military area.

Worst case scenario: He's waiting for you to make a move. You make a move. You two hook up. He pretends to be all hurt and confused and reports the whole thing at work. You: unemployed.

In any case keep the relationship strictly professional and discourage personal questions and physical contact.

If I were you, I would not do anything with this guy until one of you quits (and even then, he sounds like a lot to handle).

In the meantime, your life is going to be hell until one of you leaves. You both are obviously crushing on each other.

 

[Runewell]

Even if he's straight, it definitely sounds like he has some kind of crush on you. I'm not going to lie, this kind of situation would totally throw me for a loop, but if I were you, I'd stay away. I get being tempted to play around, but you know...considering what everyone else has said, the stakes seem higher right now than the payoff would probably merit. And that would be true even if you knew for sure he was gay. You don't, so its a gamble. On top of which is the fact that he isn't exactly a sweetheart. That could totally get frustrating.

On the other hand, if you find you absolutely must...(j/k)

 

[johnsmith824]

It is a well known fact that most civvies do not understand miltary humour and banter! And booties (marines) tend to take it further than the rest of us!

When you are with a unit, everyone is a lot closer to each other than you would normally see on civvie street. Even if someone does an act to make them portray themself as gay, it doesn't mean they are- it is usualy just banter between the lads. It is really quite common in the military. Him knowing that you are actually gay is probably fueling these acts.

Oh, and booties tend to be more agressive than they mean to. He has to remember that he isn't with his troop anymore and he is working with civilians. We can forget that sometimes...

Also:

I would avoid mixing alcohol with work - especially if you are in a postition above them - and - male or female - straight or gay - i would not be "picking up" people at the same time i'm socializing with my employees after work. You're just begging for your personal life to become fodder for public conversation.

I really agree with what shainski is saying. Its good advice.

 

[kobathedread]

Guys, thanks for this. Brilliant advice. You're absolutely right, of course - but given I'm the one in the situation, who knows what will happen? I'll let you know ;-)

 

[Rex]

He sounds like he's curious at the very least. Probably not gay but I don't understand why he'd be so curious about all these details if he wasn't just a little bit bi-curious.

 

[Lube]

It is a well known fact that most civvies do not understand miltary humour and banter! And booties (marines) tend to take it further than the rest of us!

When you are with a unit, everyone is a lot closer to each other than you would normally see on civvie street. Even if someone does an act to make them portray themself as gay, it doesn't mean they are- it is usualy just banter between the lads. It is really quite common in the military. Him knowing that you are actually gay is probably fueling these acts.

So, you're saying there are no gays in the military? Might not the worst offenders in the military be gay men in hiding?

Oh, and booties tend to be more aggressive than they mean to. He has to remember that he isn't with his troop anymore and he is working with civilians. We can forget that sometimes...

He's an administrative assistant. For all his muscle and bravado, he sounds kinda girly.

 

[johnsmith824]

So, you're saying there are no gays in the military? Might not the worst offenders in the military be gay men in hiding?

I'm not saying that at all. There are loads of gay people in the military and is widely accepted over here in the UK. Of course, it varies between services (especially other countries) but from my experience, people aren't that bothered. However, saying that, they always show a friendly interest.

I wouldn't say that people who use "gay banter" more than others are necessaraly gay themselves. They are usually the big-headed ones who try too hard to make people laugh. But, you never know, you could be right...

Please note that what I mean about "gay banter" is no way insulting towards gay people. I see this kind of banter almost everyday and it can be very, very funny! I have never felt insulted in any way. If someone is, then it gets stopped. Our service is very good with regards to this kind of thing.

He's an administrative assistant. For all his muscle and bravado, he sounds kinda girly.

With this recession going on, I don't think people can be very picky with what job they can find. You have to bear in mind that usually when people come out of the services, they are stuck with little qualifications under their belt. Especially if they have not been trained in a technical trade (such as an engineer).