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Exboyfriend desperation?

persuASIAN

persuASIAN

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Hey all, so I have a weird situation with my exboyfriend. Not sure about whether you'll want to comment on it since I'm a girl and he's a guy, so it doesn't really have anything to do with a gay relationship, but I figure that a relationship is a relationships and w/e.

So my exboyfriend and I were friend since 9th grade, and he went to middle and elementary school in Tokyo. He really didn't have much family over here, his parents were still in Japan and he was living with his grandmother. So he used to spend 90% of his time at my house. Since he really didn't have any other friends here, we used to do everything together. Last year, we went from being friends to "having a relationship", although nothing really changed. This last christmas, he went back to Japan to hang out with some of his old friends and celebrate christmas with his family. When he came back, we hung out for about two weeks, just the same as always. Then he told me that his exgirlfriend from Japan was coming to live with him and his grandmother in two weeks. (She actually moved in in about a week) Needless to say, our relationship was basically over.

Anyways, I was dwelling on it from the remainder of the month, then got over it and started dating again, eventually meeting my current boyfriend. I guess this unintentionally made my exboyfriend jealous. After the whole drama during the last month, I hadn't really talked to him, except maybe a 'hello' when I saw him with mutual friends. On valentines day, my current boyfriend had a whole extravagant set up and what not. Then when I went home, I took a nap, only to be awoken by a phone call. It was my exboyfriend, and he told me to come outside. He had flowers, a box of chocolates and a card, and he hugged me for WAYYYYYYYYYY too long. Ever since then, he's been calling me a lot, and when I don't pick up, he gets annoyed, like I still owe him something, and then he tries to be all "sweet" and "cute" (at least that's what I think he's trying to do).

Then, at the end of February, my friends and I had a party to celebrate all of the birthdays in the past two months, including mine. He was there, and he gave me a present that turned out to be a diamond watch.

My question is, what should I do? It's getting to be a bit much. Should I give everything back, or should I just try and cut off all communication with him, ignore it and hope he stops?
 
First, I have to agree with what you said: A relationship is a relationship, so it doesnt' matter if you were a girl or a boy, straight or gay.

Now, it's really sad to have this long friendship of yours end in such a way. If you could, I suggest you stay friends at least. I understand that he made a stupid choice leaving you for his ex (or maybe he didn't and I misunderstood), so if he did, that's his problem. But staying friends would be good.

The thing you need to do is talk to him. Make him understand that you have a boyfriend and you wouldn't make the same mistake he did, which is leave your boyfriend just because someone else was available. Tell him that you'll keep his gifts as a sign of friendship, but you cannot breakup with your boyfriend.

Understand that it might hurt him a lot, so try to be there for him as a friend
 
Yeah, a relationship is a relationship whether its gay or straight and I'm sure the nice people on this board are more than willing to give you advice.

This guy left you, his mistake. But you guys have been friends for a long time so if you value your friendship with him, keep it. The ball is in your court. Is this guy worth your friendship?

Are you happy with your current boyfriend? If yes, and he does sound like a great guy, keep him. Dont go back to your ex, if he left you once for someone else, he can do it again.

Just try and be gentle when you break it down to him. Dont do the same mistakes he's done.
 
Yup. Sit down and talk.

You like your Ex as your friend. You have been friends for a while. You want to keep that good thing going.

He dumped you for his 'ole gf'. (Sorry for lacking the finesse here.) That was his decision. You moved on and have a bf now. You know, who is your BF and you also know, who are your friends.

Make sure your Ex understands that and also understands his place in your life.

SC
 
There's two pieces of the puzzle missing-

1. This "ex-girlfriend"- why did she suddenly come to the US and why did this end your relationship with this guy? Is this girl really an "ex"?

2. Your post does a good job of telling us what happened but it doesn't tell us anything about the emotions involved- what are your feelings toward this guy? what are his feelings toward you?
 
Thanks to all for your advice. I really don't know anything about the ex. I mean, I've met her once, but it was under different circumstances. I assume that they are somewhat back together, from what I've heard from mutual friends, but I really don't know. I mean, my exboyfriend in general has a fairly immature personality, so there's the potential for him to have invited her to live with him without thinking about how I would feel, but at the same time, he's fairly intelligent, and I would think it would be common sense. I also think that he realized what kind of reaction I would have, because he knew about her coming over for about 2 months before telling me. I really don't have any desire to still be friends with him, just because I wish that I had been notified earlier, so that I wouldn't have been wasting my time on a relationship that was bound to go nowhere. From what I can verbalize, my only emotions towards him at this point are annoyance with a smidgen of bitterness. I'm not sure what his feelings towards me are, and I guess I'll find out if/when I talk to him.
 
persuASIAN said:
My question is, what should I do? It's getting to be a bit much. Should I give everything back, or should I just try and cut off all communication with him, ignore it and hope he stops?
Click to expand...

Back to your original question, then.

Etiquette says that you should return the gifts and refuse to accept any others.

As for your other questions, if you read what you have said in your second post then the answer is clear. What you have said in that second post is what you need to tell him. This is someone who was your friend and your boyfriend. He may not have a clue that he has hurt you and he apparenty does not understand that the relationship with you is over.

persuAsian said:
I really don't have any desire to still be friends with him
Click to expand...

If this is true, it is sad. But understandable given the circumstances.

It also sounds like you have met someone else who is nice and treats you well. The sooner than you make a clean break from this old relationship, the sooner that you can begin focusing on the new one.
 
Alright, thanks. It's nice to have a more sensible and reasonable voice in this situation, because obviously my emotions, and also since all of my friends' opinions are sugar coated. I think I'll try and meet up with him this friday, and hopefully we can end of a good note.
 
I'm a day late and dollar short here, but I'll weigh in anyway, even if it's basically a rerun.

Yes, return everything. (Well, not the chocolate. Especially if you already ate it.) Think of how it would look if you said, "Thanks for the expensive stuff, I'm keeping it, but I'm not interested in you like that." Best to give it all back.

Just tell him you appreciate it all, but you are no longer in a romantic relationship. You currently have a boyfriend, therefore gifts of flowers and jewelry are no longer appropriate from him. It may be a bit premature to close the door completely on the friendship, but make certain that he's clear where you stand in regards to your "relationship status".

Lex
 
Yeah, by no means did I ever really intend on keeping the gifts, it was just the means of returning it that was the problem. I think that I want to close the door on friendship at this point because I don't think that he is a person that I want to have in my life at all, at this point in time. Once again, thanks for all of the advice!
 
Wow... I was under the impression that he had ended things with this other girl when he came outside your place on Valentine's. The fact that he did that while he was still with her proves that he's no good.

He was no good to you and now he's no good to his current girlfriend. He should be giving those gifts to his girlfriend, NOT his EX-girlfriend.
 
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