except for the drinking..

[fag lick]

I'm bad at explaining, so bare with me please.

I've been seeing this guy Jeremy off & on for about 4 years. We were serious for the first two, then he broke it off & I started dating around. Then I met a guy, who I dated for about 5 months named Mike. Nothing was exclusive between Mike and I, but at times I thought it was going to be. Jeremy has been with 2 other people besides myself, both were one night stands. Somewhere in between dating Mike, Jeremy stopped talking to me altogether because of the way I was acting. Possibly I was acting different, I don't know. Possibly Jeremy just didn't like the fact that someone else was fucking me, I don't know.

For about the first year of Jermey & I's relationship, things were rough. We lived in different cities, and I would see him only on the weekends. He was heavily into drinking & drugs. He smoked heroin at one point (I believe it was only once), and one thing that put me off was when he was stabbed in the shoulder, not knowning exactly where it came from. After a stint in jail & house arrest, the drinking & drugs stopped. For over a full year, not a drop of alcohol touched his lips. Probably a year & a half. Drugs have stopped altogether for him, for 2 and a half years. In the first year of our relationship, I have never cried so much in my life. I have also never been fucked with so many times in my life, nor hurt so many times in my life. But I stayed with him.

After drugs & drinking were gone, things were amazing. We spent maybe just under a year, before we broke up for the last time & I started dating Mike. Eventually, Jeremy & I started talking again, and I still talk to Mike - but we've put anything we had past us. Mike among other people (good friends), have warned me about getting back together with Jeremy as both Jeremy & I are "unstable" & seem to feed of each others. I'm dating Jeremy again. Neither of us consider ourselves a couple, but we don't have sex with anyone else. Neither of us are too into the gay scene either, I am moreso than him, and he doesn't go out that often.

Lately, like I used to, I have been having dreams about his drinking. Like last night for instance, I woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming I met him at a park in the early hours of the morning after work & he was all cut up. I asked him if he'd been drinking, & he said he had. So I just said, "see you later" & left. They are the dreams that seem realistic, like they really happened. Or another time he'd been drinking & came home & told me he had a one night stand, and when I wake up after hearing the news, I am absolutely heart broken, as again it was one of those realistic dreams. I have them usually on a weekly basis, sometimes bi weekly. We have talked about getting together, and I don't know if I can do it. He doesn't drink excessively, maybe like 2 or 3 beers maybe once or twice a month.. but I always have it in the back of my mind.. what if it gets to be like it used to.. and I don't want to put myself thru that again.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm extremely confused about the whole situation, and the dreams actually hurt. Thanks for taking the time to read this far, and I am looking forward to hearing your response.

 

[jetsonboy]

I feel the honesty and pain in your writing. You must let go of him. I think you need to stop thinking of him as a romantic interest. Be a good friend to him and let him know he needs to straighten his life. The picture you paint is that of someone who will never stop bringing his chaos into your life. You also have issues to deal with, the ones that make you attracted to chaos. I am telling you all of this with my best wishes for your life and happiness.

 

[G-Lexington]

I guess that will all depend on how easily you think he might tip back into the "using" game. Right now, he seems fine. Do you think he can stick with it? You certainly know him better than all of us.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

There is a reason why you have been on & OFF with Jeremy for 4 years. Your friends, the people who know the situation the best, are telling you to stay away. Very, very few people who have a substance abuse problem can successfully use just a little over a long period of time. Sure they may control it for a short period, but then the amount increases and leads to another abuse problem. Given your history with him, I think your chances of having a successful relationship with him appear to be slim to none.

 

[nickmybabe]

Wow, seems like his past now haunt u in ur inner side ... decide brightly my friend

 

[Ninja108]

You have to let him go. Nobody can help him but himself and until he figures that out for himself there's nothing you can do

 

[fag lick]

I feel the honesty and pain in your writing. You must let go of him. I think you need to stop thinking of him as a romantic interest. Be a good friend to him and let him know he needs to straighten his life. The picture you paint is that of someone who will never stop bringing his chaos into your life. You also have issues to deal with, the ones that make you attracted to chaos. I am telling you all of this with my best wishes for your life and happiness.

Thanks for the kind words.
Sadly, I don't think I have had many people actually say anything kind to me in such a long time.

He's fine right now, he was a mess before. It's been about 2.5 years since he was "a mess". Everything is fine right now. He's really into physical fitness & health, so not sure if he would start drinking heavily again. I don't have great trust in people, so I guess all I am looking for is advice or words of wisdom.. or kind words.. i dunno.

 

[fag lick]

I guess that will all depend on how easily you think he might tip back into the "using" game. Right now, he seems fine. Do you think he can stick with it? You certainly know him better than all of us.

Lex

Not sure if he can stick with it, it's been 2.5 years, as I said. I don't know much about people who drink/use drugs, & I don't know what can cause a relapse.

 

[fag lick]

I understand what all the above poster's are on about, and I'm with them.

To a point.

You have not said anything about how things are now. You said he cleaned up, and you broke up. Some undefined amount of time has passed, and now you are back together.

I too am skeptical, but if he is still clean, if he has gotten his act together, and if you have overcome your affinity for dysfucntion, then maybe the picture isn't so bleak.

But, don't bullshit yourself. If you are as concerned as you sound, to the point that you can't sleep because of it, then your instincts are probably right. This may well be a one way ticket to hell.

But based on what you have told us so far, I can't say for sure.

How it is now:

He'll go out, have a couple (2, last time he went out) beers with friends. Maybe once or twice a month. And that's all - so he says. Could be an easy thing to hide, if he does get drunk - as I do not have a phone & I work from 5pm-3am, so he is always asleep.

I took a shower at his place the other day, and I found one of the wrappers that comes off the Jack Daniels bottle lid on the floor. I wasn't going to say anything, but finally I asked him & he said it was his mothers. He's not into lying to me, or lying in general & it being his mothers is not unbelievable. She too, was a very heavy drinker, but has to since stopped.. but since she started working has indulgded herself once in awhile.










Also forgot to mention, if it matters or if anyone reads it. Recently he began to smoke again. After not smoking for 3 years. When I told him it was digusting & it was stupid because he's already quit once - he said, "well no one cares if i get cancer anyways.. so what does it matter?" or some shit like that. From what I know, he has since stopped again.. the smoking went on for about 3 weeks.. but again, I see him once a week. I'm just really looking for advice & what you would do in the situation, guys.

I'm not even sure how to go about meeting someone else if i decide to end things.

 

[3nipples]

You say that (according to him) he has stopped using for 1 year and has moderated his alcohol use as well....

I don't know, but starting to smoke again after quitting for 3 years sets off a symphony of warning bells in my mind.

I think you're picking up other warning signals as well and that's what is triggering your dreams and your uneasiness.

 

[rareboy]

Run like hell before you are sucked into a vortex of deceit and emotional pain. All addicts lie. An alcoholic can't just go out for a couple of beers once a month....but you'd also have to be pretty stupid not to know if he was using or drinking when you're with him.

as both Jeremy & I are "unstable" & seem to feed of each others.(sic)

How are you actually unstable? Do you drink to excess and/or do drugs? If so, you are definitely the worst thing that could happen to him.

 

[fag lick]

Run like hell before you are sucked into a vortex of deceit and emotional pain. All addicts lie. An alcoholic can't just go out for a couple of beers once a month....but you'd also have to be pretty stupid not to know if he was using or drinking when you're with him.



How are you actually unstable? Do you drink to excess and/or do drugs? If so, you are definitely the worst thing that could happen to him.

He used to be a really heavy drinker. No booze for a couple years. & I'm just thinking that starting drinking even slightly will lead things back to the way they were before, hence the dreams. When he's with me, no booze. The last time he drank (2 beers, according to him), I talked to him on msn when I got home from work & I was able to tell. I work in a bar, so I can tell when people are drunk/tipsy, although, I still don't understand alcholism.

We're both sorta emotionally unstable. I've never done drugs in my life, and until my 19th birthday I never had the urge to drink. I drink maybe once every two months, and I know how to control myself.





& thanks for the reply 3nipples, I'm thinking what you are thinking pretty much.