Exclusivity in Relationships

[deserter85]

Hi all,

I've recently embarked on my first relationship (I'd started another thread a few weeks back asking some questions).

Here's another:

How does one determine the relationship is "just dating", "exclusive relationship" or "an open relationship"?

Do people generally talk about things like that or does one just "go with the flow"? Well, since my boyfriend and I have discussed about moving in together (we've come to a consensus - if we're still together by the end of the year and our living habits don't clash too much during out "trial phase", I'll be moving to his place at the end of the year), so I'm assuming that we are well past the "just dating" phase.

But, how do I know if I'm in an "exclusive" or an "open" relationship? Should I assume that it is an exclusive one unless told otherwise?

 

[deserter85]

Yes, I thought that it would be a good idea to clear this up... I just wasn't too sure if it was appropriate to ask my boyfriend the question directly... Is there a possibility that this question can be misconstrued as a lack of trust?

Any ideas on how to broach this topic? Do I just open with "So, are we in an open or exclusive relationship?"

 

[Lube]

Any ideas on how to broach this topic? Do I just open with "So, are we in an open or exclusive relationship?"

Just get a general topic about relationships started. Ask what his opinions on open relationships are (that'll be a conversation starter!). Ask if his previous relationships were open or exclusive. Do you both know couples in both types of relationships? What do you think of them? Get his opinions and reveal yours.

As others have said, this is critical to a successful relationship.

 

[deserter85]

Thanks Lube for your advice. However, I'm an incredibly direct person and as such, "fishing" for opinions by talking about something else isn't exactly my forte. I'm going over to his place tomorrow, so I'm planning to talk to him about this then.

If the conversation goes something like "Since we're planning on moving in and stuff, I think it is good to talk about the status of our relationship just to clear the air. I'm just wondering if we are in an exclusive or an open one?".

Would that be fine? Or would that be too direct?

 

[KaraBulut]

How does one determine the relationship is "just dating", "exclusive relationship" or "an open relationship"?

You have the "state of the relationship" talk.

You ask what he wants.

You tell him what you want.

Either you come to an agreement or you give some thought to dating someone else who wants the same thing that you want.

Do people generally talk about things like that or does one just "go with the flow"?

Part of having an adult relationship is being able to have honest conversations about these things.

Start having honest conversations early in the relationship and it just becomes a natural part of it all.

 

[deserter85]

So I finally had the talk with my boyfriend, and here are the general results.

1) He said "I wouldn't want to have a relationship with you unless it is a committed one".

2) When he asked me why did I ask this question, I said it was because we didn't talk about this before and we're moving into rather serious territory now, and I don't want to assume anything. And also because his prior relationship was an open one. The second part of my statement set him off which sparked a disagreement/quarrel of sorts.

3) In the middle of the argument, he admitted that he's not totally over the fact that his previous 10-year relationship was over (and he had previously thought that his ex-partner was someone he saw himself growing old with). Then, he proceeded to say that he can't see himself growing old with me because no matter what he'll be 19 years older than me. This, from the man who asked me to move in with him at the end of the year because our relationship is "succeeding".

4) He said that I have the ability to take parts of what he said and twist them around. For e.g. In one part of his spiel about how he's not completely ready, he said that he met me within 3 days of signing up to gaydar, and he hasn't met anyone else since. So I asked "So do you regret meeting me at that point in time?" He used that as evidence of my twisting his words around. But to me, that seemed like a logical train of thought.

There are other minor points that I don't really wish to bore everyone else with. But at the end of it all, he apologized to me for "being cranky".

O.K, so I'm head over heels for this guy who is apparently either still hung-up over his ex-partner or the idea of the life that he could have had with his ex-partner.

I guess I can cut my losses and head for the hills now, but I don't think I'm able to bring myself to do that. So I think I'm going to stick around and hope that he will eventually realize that I am worth the trouble if he can just open up and give me a chance.

Because I know that he is worth it.

 

[Lube]

Great conversation! Congrats on doing it.

It may be worth your while to separate for a little while and see if you guys really need each other. His comment about not growing old with you would scare me, frankly.

Let's see what others have to say. I'm sorta on the fence on this one.

 

[KaraBulut]

That was a good talk.

Sometimes these frank discussions can dig up a lot of things that haven't been said before. But that's the point, isn't it? Better to find out now.

What this boils down to is that you're involved with someone who doesn't know what they want and who is having trouble with trust issues. At some point you will have to make a decision about whether you want to invest in a relationship with such an uncertain future.

 

[deserter85]

I don't think I can extricate myself from this situation now as I fear that I'm already in too deep. But at the same time, the words he said made me feel really small and insignificant - like I'm just someone he's hanging around with till he either goes back to his ex or till he begins a relationship with someone who's closer to his age.

I can accept that he's not completely ready for me right now.
I'm willing to take a gamble and hang around in hope that he'll be completely ready for me someday.
But I'm not going to hang around forever. Maybe 6 months, 1 year, 2 years...

If he still can't commit himself to me then, I'll hold my hands up and admit that I'd lost this rather expensive gamble. Cos I don' think I've ever invested so much of myself in that short a span of time.

 

[mydrew1]

Lol, no offense but try to stick with people closer to your own age. You'll feel less insecure I imagine, you'd both feel equal.