Family’s True Colors Come Out at the Thanksgiving Table

[thermodynamics]

Yeowch. That's a tough one. I too came from a congregation that gave me a lot of support. The old folks often gave me their greatest compliment--they said I should be a pastor. So I wonder what would happen if I came back and told them all I was gay.

Anyway, I understand your predicament. If it were me, I'd tell them. If they condemn you for who you really are, well, then they weren't the supporters/friends that they said they were and that you thought they were. I realize they are making your education happen, but you can't live in constant fear of them. And quite frankly, this is how we will change people's opinions. It's so easy to condemn a group that you have no connection to. But it's much harder when you know someone from that group that you really have a connection to and care about.

Those are my thoughts.

 

[Evsann]

I come from a family that has all different types of stuff in their closets that would make certain other members very uncomfortable or even angry. For the sake of loving one another we keep these things away from the family. This is due to the fact that, for the most part, as important as these things may be us individually, our relationships with one another do not hinge on them. Our personal lives are just that, personal.


It does not sound like you have anything to lose by letting sleeping dogs lie. If you really feel that they must accept this part of you then so be it. Just don't feel like you are keeping a secret from them. In the end, it is really none of their damn concern.

 

[mega]

The two men especially who support me the most condemn my existence. One is supports me financially and the other has been my guardian, even during the times when my own father hated me.

Your coming out could eventually change their minds about how they feel about gay people. A lot of homophobes will tell you they don't know or associate with any gay people. They tend to be a bit blind regarding the people around them. It won't be pretty, and they'll blame you. But with time they may remember that they love you.

At some point you'll have to make a choice about how you are going to live your life. Remember, when one door closes, another door opens. Be brave. Good luck to you.

 

[arteguy]

I believe that this is to blame for Hassert and alot of the high up politicians. It's not that they start out evil, it's just that one wants to not disappoint the people we care for, or be hated by god and those around you. Still when people are found out they seem pathetic for lying to everyone. It seems you arent doing these extremes and are self-confident. I grew up very S. Baptist, and my fresh. year in college I was dating this awesome girl and I had to make a choice. I knew that if we married and she found out, it would be bad for alot of people who did not deserve it. I mean who changes their personality so that YOU won't be upset? Pretty unfair. I was very scared but my family broadened their perceptions because they knew who I was. I was very lucky, but I didn't know that then. You are moving up, in school, and I'm not suggesting you rush and come out to everyone. But you seem smart, so think about the decisions you make
and how that fits into your integrity.

 

[arteguy]

OOPS Haggard, not Hassert

 

[CoolBlue71]

I just left my Thanksgiving dinner which is a whole church affair, about 40 people in this little 3 room box house. Everyone I love and everyone that supported me in getting to college was there. This party was basically all stern black Baptist and Hispanic Catholics, with me being a young black-latino myself with no extend family but my church.

The conversation that followed dinner became heated living room argument about discussing sexuality in church (as did unexpectedly happen last Sunday and caused a huge stir). What made this extremely awkward was only two people in the room knew I was gay, my mother and one other church mom. I was curious and wondered if I hushed my mouth, what would each person would say since this my church and my family. True colors came out…

My mom --- First shock, not only was my mom supportive but she was fierce in defending every side of homosexuality and educating people about it. (Deep down inside I wanted to shout “Go Mom, REPRESENT!!!”)

Both of my mentors in the church, turned out to be complete homophobes. The two people who are supporting me the most also condemn my existence? The first is a deacon that guided me through the whole college process, has helped find scholarships and has $5,000 of his own money behind me right now. The second is my role model, my guild, the man who has refilled my joy and confidence every week, 32 years old, Chief Resident at Harvard Med, poured blood and sweat into making sure I had all I needed to complete my senior project…said he didn’t even want homosexuals (me) in the presence of his children or house.

My dad and sisters were quite and passive about it, simply because they felt it was a distant issue from their life. And the rest of the church members were pretty much split on issue, but much more progressive and open-minded than I expected.

So here I am now knowing that I may be the pride and joy of my church, but that could all change if I came out (my family=my church, if one knows, the other knows by default). The two men especially who support me the most condemn my existence. One is supports me financially and the other has been my guardian, even during the times when my own father hated me.

But now, I don’t know how to look at either of them. It burns now to know that I am receiving money, resources, and guidance from people who passionately hate who I am. It feels like some slave master relationship now, and after the display from these men tonight, I could really see one of them just spitting on me if he knew I was gay. If you understand what I am feeling right now, please give me some advice.

Tell those who hate you you were going through a phase -- and you'll find them loving you once again.

That is the true depth of their concern for your well-being.

In the meantime, I wish you well in life; and if I had more energy I'd say even more. This is just one of those situations where the best advice is to stay true to oneself (no matter whether anyone has anything they're wanting to add).

 

[jockboy01]

It's up to you ultimately. I agree with the idea that if these people know that you are gay, they may change their minds about homosexuality.... although, as stated it would take some time. But if you don't want to tell them, you shouldn't. We can't make that choice for you. But we'll be here if you do decide to tell them for however they react.

 

[wentworth]

Did you ever figure that that could be a possibility?

Dislike of gays is not something rare. Many people do--even you know that; which is why only two people know.

I think you are over-analyzing this too much.

They are who they are. Finish school and deal with everything else later.

 

[colemanshs]

Wow dude, you are in a really tough position. I am sorry that you are going through all of this. It seems that church is very important to you so pray about what you think you should do and talk to your mother as she seems to be very supportive. Much luck.

 

[ljghba1]

I know exactly what you are going through man. No one in my family knows that I am gay and during this thanksgiving break the topic of homosexuality came up numerous times.

my dad told me that there was a proven statistic that most homosexuals are pedofiles. hm... dont think so dad. then one night i was watching a program on tv that was supporting gay marriage... and my sister tells me that I shouldnt watch something that supports "fags getting married."

Then before thanksgiving dinner that ellen degeneris commercial came on and my grandfather said "I cant believe they allow these homos on television." everyone that was in that room laughed.

what im trying to say here is there are gonna be these types of people in the world. They are just ignorant. Unfortunately they are the majority of my family. Seems like you have a great mom who you can talk to for support. What I have learned is to just block all the shit that they say out of my head, and i know some day things will be better. Whether its with them or without them.