Family Breakup

[Linxus87]

Hey all,

A recent development that may or may not happen has occurred in my home. I am a college student that lives with his parents while finishing up school (one more year, hopefully). Yesterday, I found out my dad plans on leaving my mom, whether it's a permanent split is beyond me. Originally, he had planned on moving in with his sister in another state to find work to pay our bills, but turns out it was his plan to leave. I'm not sure if this will actually happen, or my parents will reconcile, but I honestly don't know what to do. I'm so angry at him, but I bottle it up to prevent less awkwardness in the house. My mom locks herself in their room, while my dad sleeps in the living room. They talk, but lately it all ends up in petty arguments.

I don't know if it's because my dad was laid off that he feels trapped since he can't find work here. He could be taking it out on my mom (who's unable to work due to a disability). These are my parents, and no matter what age, it's hard. I feel like if they do split, I have an obligation to drop out and maybe take up a second job to help my mom out. She would not let me do that, but I don't see much option. Ugh, 22 years of marriage, and he wants to throw it all away over some self-pity and frustration. He's no better than his late biological dad who walked out on his family when he was little

To sum it all up, what advice can you give me in this situation. I don't know what to do.

 

[TX-Beau]

Better finish school and put yourself in a position to really help your Mom than drop out and take dead end jobs.

For the rest, I feel for you, I don't know how to help you though, other than to say that I sympathize. Good luck.

 

[COACHMN]

No Matter WHAT! Finish School.

Whatever issues exist between your parents is between them and beyond your grasp or ability to fix.

Sacrificing your education would make the whole situation worse leading to more bad feelings with your parents. Plus your earning power would be diminished making you even less able to help if that is what is really needed.

Finish School. You owe to them to do so.

You owe it to yourself.

HUGS,

-dan

 

[Seasoned]

Remember that this is their issue to work out. It affects you, but this isn't about you. And you may have only a part of the story. They are both hurting. It's hard not to take sides, but, as an adult, it ought to be your goal. You are entitled to two parents. Just as you wouldn't want them telling you how to live your life, you need to give them the space to figure this out. Every partnership eventually ends either through divorce or death. And while it may be traumatic for you because it shatters stability, it is not the end of the world. Seeking help like you are doing is an excellent start. Good luck to all three of you. Please stay in school.

 

[StlKj]

You're a grown man, so your father is not the same as his father, who left him high and dry as a boy. To compare him to such a person and make him sound worthless seems incredibly harsh on your part. Not knowing him, I don't know what kind of man he is, but perhaps you don't either. You don't know why he's leaving, so you have only your own imagination to explain why. If he was recently laid off, he could be experiencing all kinds of feelings--fear at being his age and out of work, fear at not being able to provide for his family, self-loathing for losing his worth as a man because he can't provide any longer. For all you know, he could even be feeling like your mother would be better off without him, saddled with a husband who is growing older and can no longer take care of her.

This issue is between them, and your taking sides without knowing everything is not going to help anything. If you can put your judgments aside, you might be able to offer both support as they try to navigate this.

Then if he proves to be all you've suspected, you can decide what kind of relationship you want to have with such a man. Until then, keep living your life as you normally would and wait until you have more details.

 

[hotatlboi]

I agree with the suggestions to finish school. It's an unfortunate situation, but you have to look out for yourself first.

 

[rareboy]

Your parents relationship isn't your relationship.

Talk to them about how frustrated and angry you feel about the dissolution of their marriage, but tell them that you'll support their decision and hope that they each find some happiness.

Stay in school. Make sure that they both understand that you are not sacrificing your future because of their failure. If they are good parents, they will both understand that you have a better chance of a brighter future if you have even a modest college education.

And if you want to distract them from their own misery and self-pity, tell them you're gay.

 

[Linxus87]

Thanks for the suggestions. Yeah, I realize taking sides is not the best idea. That was my anger bubbling up. The more hours pass, the more I see that I may not know everything, and I can't blame anyone. I really do appreciate all the suggestions, which I assume some of you may have faced at one point, so it's nice to have this amount of support and suggestions. I suppose dropping out wouldn't be the best option, no matter how much money we may need.We may have to cut back on our luxuries, but it won't be the end of the world.

BTW, they know I'm gay, so that wouldn't be a distraction. Nice try though, lol.

 

[Linxus87]

I sat down and talked with him. Turns out he had an affair about seven years back, and she knew he had a family. It ended after we moved. There is a kid involved, but she didn't want to do a DNA test as she would have had to have three tests taken (yeah, looks like she slept around quite a bit). Anyways, my mom hasn't been able to get past this (with good reason), and not from lack of trying. I'm glad I sat down and talked and got the truth. It hurts still, but I'm less angry. From here, I guess I will have to figure out how to manage this information and such. THanks for the help guys. I don't think I'd have confronted him had it not been for you all. Everyone close to me were with me on my anger, so I needed an unbias opinion that could tell it to me straight.

 

[talbot57]

Hope everything goes ok for you, it can't be easy

 

[spencer]

If there's one thing you can do is communicate with them. Why can't you ask your dad for the truth. You're old enough to know it and he should tell you especially if it affects you.

No need to bottle it up, just don't explode. Talk to him calmly and don't get angry. Him verbalizing it will help both you and him.

 

[StlKj]

I sat down and talked with him. Turns out he had an affair about seven years back, and she knew he had a family. It ended after we moved. There is a kid involved, but she didn't want to do a DNA test as she would have had to have three tests taken (yeah, looks like she slept around quite a bit). Anyways, my mom hasn't been able to get past this (with good reason), and not from lack of trying. I'm glad I sat down and talked and got the truth. It hurts still, but I'm less angry. From here, I guess I will have to figure out how to manage this information and such. THanks for the help guys. I don't think I'd have confronted him had it not been for you all. Everyone close to me were with me on my anger, so I needed an unbias opinion that could tell it to me straight.

Good for you in approaching it in this manner. I'm sorry you're going through this pain right now. Take care of you.

 

[Linxus87]

Good for you in approaching it in this manner. I'm sorry you're going through this pain right now. Take care of you.

Aww, thanks again to you all

 

[backpacker]

I sat down and talked with him. Turns out he had an affair about seven years back, and she knew he had a family. It ended after we moved. There is a kid involved, but she didn't want to do a DNA test as she would have had to have three tests taken (yeah, looks like she slept around quite a bit). Anyways, my mom hasn't been able to get past this (with good reason), and not from lack of trying. I'm glad I sat down and talked and got the truth. It hurts still, but I'm less angry. From here, I guess I will have to figure out how to manage this information and such. THanks for the help guys. I don't think I'd have confronted him had it not been for you all. Everyone close to me were with me on my anger, so I needed an unbias opinion that could tell it to me straight.

Please remember that you still have only part of the information. The dynamics of a relationship are very hard to understand and there is far more factors than either your mother or father can tell you. Since your dad doesn't sound like a total asshole who made a habit of cheating, I would guess that there were some circumstances that lead to his cheating. If everything had been great in your parents relationship, I doubt he would have cheated. That doesn't make cheating right or acceptable. Cheating was probably a symptom of the problem, not the root cause. There is a good chance that your mother has focused on the cheating rather than the root cause, which could explain why she has been able to move past it. If they haven't already tried counseling, they should. I'm sure there are issues that they both need to work on. Even if they don't get back together, resolving some of the issues will help them establish healthy relationships in the future.

 

[Deandbn]

You seem to be doing the right thing based on what i have been reading on this thread.

My advice is - complete your education - no matter what - even if you have to work at night or whatever to pay for it.
It is the most important thing you will ever do for yourself.