Family member anger problems. Refuses help

[LemonMonk]

On Sunday my parents brought me and my stuff back to my uni accommodation. Whilst at my accommodation, mother threw a tantrum after she was found destroying a prescription I have, as she thinks the drugs I'm getting do me more harm than good [The prescription it replaces was far better, so she wanted the new one to be invalidated and changed back to the older one]. As she lied that it ripped apart without her intervening my father pointed out that wasn't the case [it was obvious, but nice that he said it. She sometimes schemes, has plans she doesn't reveal that make little sense to us]. She began to yell and then stormed out of my room, getting a train home as dad and I put my stuff where it should be, then had a meal with each other as a goodbye.

She texted me yesterday morning advising me to get my prescription changed back to how it was. Her motives are obvious.

I spoke to her the day after she ripped my prescription up, making sure that her actions would be mentioned. She said without me prompting that she'd see a doctor about her blood pressure and anger issues. Although she said she would, she's been coming up with crappy excuses for not doing so. It's clear to me and my father that she won't get an appointment.

She is an old lady, in her 60s and has been becoming more and more forgetful, I worry that she'll have umpteen problems when old age hits her hard. Just an overview on her mental state: Easily angered, Forgetful, Schemer.

I'm between 80 and 90 miles from my parents, getting her to see a doctor is hard. The only way I can think of getting her to see a doc is to not get my prescription changed to what she thinks I should be taking, or just not take the current drugs I need. Emotional blackmail would work, however there should be another way. I'd hate to use emotional blackmail, but I'd be unable to live with myself knowing something awful happens to her because she never got the help she needs.

This prescription is to keep my bones from thinning, becoming weaker and eventually making me immobile, however just by exercising I do more than any drugs can do. It really wouldn't matter if I stopped taking the drugs for a while, infact I haven't used any for 4 months.

If you want any info that'd help you eventually help me, do ask. Thanks for reading.

 

[LemonMonk]

Just info I didn't add:

My dad won't do anything to get her to seek help. He agrees that she needs it, but getting her to do something like that isn't easy. He's being laid back about it. We've got different feelings towards my mother though. I love her unconditionally, she's my mother afterall. But I suspect they're in a loveless marriage now. They never do anything together and moan about each other behind backs. If they were to divorce it'd probably do them good, but that's not the issue here.

 

[LemonMonk]

The topic title is for "anger problems" but really problems with mental health in general should be looked at. She has signs of dementia. Or so I think, judging from what it says on the NHS website and how she is.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, I don't see what you can do from afar, and in the end people HAVE to want treatment for it to work. If your dad won't do anything about it while living with her, you're kind of stuck.

I would only urge you to NOT endanger your own health to blackmail her. Not only because that's playing her game, but also because you should never gamble with these things. Though, living 90 miles away, I see no reason why you can't just TELL her you're not taking it.

 

[rareboy]

Well the person that should be taking charge here is your father.

And your mother, unless she is a physician, should not be the one deciding what medication you are or are not on.

She sounds like she may have some mental health issues to be honest, but they could be exacerbated by neuro-physiological conditions.

I think though, that you had better start to take control over your own life and make it clear that she cannot make every decision for you.

 

[Seasoned]

I'd search out a support group for people with family members that have mental health issues. There could be some invaluable help found there.

 

[jaysizzles]

With regards to your health and prescriptions, do what you feel is best for you...not what your mother demands. Negative emotional blackmail is the wrong way to deal with her/this. Keep it on the positive side...let her know, and reassure her, that she raised an intelligent son that has researched the available treatment options with doctor's advisement, and that this is the best one for you. Reassure her that you love her and respect her, but that you know this is the best solution for you and that it's working.

As for your mom...remaining positive, calm, and rational when speaking with her is best...to the point of patronizing her. Agitating and arguing with her is never going to end well. I do think you should have a frank discussion with your father about her condition...he lives with her and sees her on a day to day basis...knows the real story. Let him know how genuinely concerned you are about her and that he needs to keep you apprised of her mental state/health, and that you don't want him to allow her to be putting herself in any dangerous situations. Take a firm approach with him...make sure he's honest with you (you're an adult now and can speak with him man to man...so to speak.) If he sees how concerned you are, he may be more proactive in dealing with her for your sake.

Good luck with this...it isn't going to be easy nor is there a cut and dry solution.

 

[LemonMonk]

Thanks guys, your advice has been really helpful. I'll try to speak man to man with my father, see if he'll do anything. I'll look for organizations that may come in handy as well. Glad I've been advised not to try any emotional blackmail, I thought the idea was silly but at the time all I could come up with. To answer your question youngoutlaw my mother has been through menopause.

I'll keep you posted on developments, but I imagine it'll be a long process.

 

[Seasoned]

Best wishes to you. Living with a loved one's chronic illness whether physical or mental is a challenge and something that can't be done perfectly. Doing your best and seeking advice is going to help you navigate. If and when you screw up apologize and move on. Actually, apologizing to your mum when appropriate is good role modeling. I hope you and your dad find good and healthy coping strategies.

Don't be afraid to set healthy boundaries with her. No one has to be a doormat. This is why I suggested getting support from people who live or had lived through something similar. I hope your mother can and will get healthier. Best wishes.

 

[LemonMonk]

This is awful fast, but I just got off the phone with my mother. I told her my feelings and concerns, she said she'll get a docs appointment this week. Weather she does or not will remain to be seen, but I have her word. I can get it verified by my father on a later date.

I told her that when she's older I won't be around to help her get around and that she'll need to get support before it's too late. I know she hates the idea of going to a nursing home when she's elderly and mentioned if I thought she was incapable of doing things for herself I'd consider putting her in one. I'm not going to become her carer, something she's often told me not to become. She agreed with my reasoning, or perhaps she's deceiving me. At least I've done what I can for now. I'll follow it up in a couple of days. I might start badgering her about it, get details and such to work out if she has gone or is telling fibs.

 

[Seasoned]

I hope she gets help, but, ultimately, the only person you have control of is yourself and how you react. I know it's not easy and I wish you and your family all the best. Good luck and don't allow her illness to make you ill. You can still be a good son even if you need to detach. Just do it with love.