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family members coming out

B

boxerboy16uk

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Hi guys

Long time reader, first time poster!

I had some news today from my mother (who I live with), crying as she told me her sisters eldest (he's 27 ... I'm 24) had just come out to his mother. All this crying wound me up, I'm out to a few friends from when I was at uni, but not at home ... I was of course proud of him and would loved to have said so too ... I would never have guessed he was gay, shocking gaydar I must have.

I am not overly close with his side of the family and haven't seen him in at least 5 years, since his wedding that I attended, which lasted roughly a year, he has a beautiful 4 year old girl.

Now, as I said I haven't been close, but I'd love to talk to him ... I'm not currently a friend of his on facebook and I dont have any contact details for him ...

How do I go about getting in touch?

I know it's wrong that I haven't spoken to him in such a long time, but it seems that even with such mediums available for communication that we still all manage to loose contact with our nearest and dearest.

I'm just concerned with massaging him and saying hey, your news travelled fast through the family. Just thought I'd say I'm gay too ... fancy a chat? Sounds a little f'ked up. But is it that simple and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing?

I think it doesn't help that I'm considered the little privileged kid, everyone else in the family had a tough childhood and 'works hard' ... I'm the only one to have been to uni and am the flash git, out earning them and spending it ... But I work 50+ hr weeks and work hard for my money also ... I get the feeling, but maybe it's me again over analysing things.

Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated ;)
 
Just wondering, is there some reason that you haven't come out to your family?

If you are financially independent then it would seem that there wouldn't be that much risk anymore.
 
It sounds like a really crap excuse ...

I finished at uni and moved back into a conservative family home about 3 years ago now. I keep looking at moving out but never make the jump. I'm not comfortable about coming out whilst still living here ... It's not going to be accepted, there are quips about 'gays' every now and then and I just have to leave take some time out ... I don't really want the hastle. Although I know I could find somewhere to live if the shit really hit the fan ... I go to work at 7 and get home at 7 and spend my free time with friends ...

I need to do it ... no doubting that ... I keep saying when I move out, but I can always find a reason not to move out ...

It's always, next month, at the end of this summer, after christmas ...

I'm just a coward
 
Boxer,

I think you are in a difficult situation. If you support your cousin now, while in the closet, when you do come out, that support will seem disingenuous. If you stay quiet, what will he think when it becomes news you are gay. If you tell him, it might get leaked if he is having to "defend" himself with family.

It may be time time to step up and step out. Since his mother is crying and your mother is crying, I don't think either of you will have an easy go of it for a while.

Best of luck - do wish you the best and hope you celebrate your life.

Rand
 
Hey Boxer,

I think that if there's a chance you can talk with him, you should do it. He's family, and in a family it's important to be supportive and take care of one another. Even though you might not be close or keep in touch, you could change that. Who knows, a great friendship might emerge from this.

It sounds like you really want to get in touch with him, and I think you should. I don't think you should miss an opportunity like this. Maybe he needs someone to listen to him and support him right now.

Is he on Facebook? Maybe you could add him as a friend and talk to him that way. do you have any other relatives that you could ask for his email address or phone number (if you want to text him).
 
at first it was very difficult coming out to my friends because the whole coming out thing was new to me. I told my parents when I was very comfortable being out and it still was more difficult. I dont feel accepted by them really, but i dont know. Coming out in the first place to the first couple of people was more difficult but not because they werent accepting. Just cause it was new and scary, you know?

Coming out to people doesnt even phase me anymore though, its cool. Take it or leave it
 
I think you should contact him. He may need your support and have someone to talk to and it would be a good way to bond. Let him know you are there if he needs someone to talk to. I actually envy your situation. I secretly wish someone in my family would come out, so I would have someone to talk to and that I'm not alone in our family. Whatever you do, best of luck. :)
 
Maybe give it a week or two so you don't seem to obvious. And when you do message him just say something short and sweet. "hey man its your better looking relative. just popping in to day hey, we haven't spoken in years and i kinda wanna change that." or you can change the ending to " We have not spoken in years, and we are family after all." I don't know you or what your personally is like, you'll figure it out. Just don't give yourself away so soon, meet with him first.
 
He's family and he may need the support right now. I'd at least speak with him and let him know I am proud of him and admire him for having the courage to come out. Let him know you're there to talk and you'd also like to hear some advice from him. Just be up front and honest. Don't take the long road because that's in genuine anyways. You know why you're contacting him and deserves to know as well.
 
You are not a coward. It's just not your time.

Contact your cousin. Either it be via facebook, e-mail or a greeting card. Just a few sentences: "Heard you have set course for a new direction in your life. want to talk?"

This sets the ball in motion. An ex-wife, a child to support, a hysterical mother. Perhaps he needs to talk with the one person who can relate to the craziness of his family - a relative. Or he may want space to be left alone. Either way, when it's your time (and when you are ready) he will remember that reach out from you. And hopefully he will be there to support you. Think of it as an insurance policy.
 
It's really helpful to have people to talk to about things like this. Right around the time I started coming out to everyone, a classmate of mine who'd heard the news privately confided that he was gay. We talked about it a lot - I think having someone familiar with the situation was good for both of us. I guess it depends how well you think you could relate. If you think you'd be able to get along and talk, contacting him could work out really well.
 
I see your point.
Not easy to face though, you probably don't feel alone at the family anymore, but it's strange to appear all of a sudden with fresh news. Put yourself in his shoes, and then imagine that you just came out and then he came with some courtesy, hi, it's been a long time, I missed you a bit so I thought I would visit. We could eat together someday.... You picture it. Don't lose the chance of supporting him now, and become allies.
 
Even though it's been a few years, how was your relationship with your cousin before? As long as you were somewhat amicable, I think it would fine to get in contact with him. As far as how to do that without a phone number or e-mail, that's a little trickier. You said that you're not a facebook friends with him? But does he have an account there? If you can find it, there's your potential inroad.

And when you do get in touch, I think it's perfectly fine to just be up front with him. You can't change the fact that you haven't spoken to him in a few years, so just acknowledge it and try to reestablish a connection. Tell him that you just heard that he came out, that your proud of him, and ask him about how he's handling it all. He sounds like a pretty safe person to tell that you're also gay. Tell him about your situation and why you're not out yet. Ask him how he got to the point where he is now.

This is a good thing. In a family where it seems like acceptance of gays isn't there, you've got a potential ally in your cousin. He may be having a tough time if he's finding rejection from his family, and all the while, he's got a potential ally in you and doesn't even know it.

Just talk to him.
 
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